Savage Love Savage Love Letter of the Day
posted by October 28 at 15:50 PMon
I’m a 29 year-old gay male. I’m in a 5 year relationship. My partner and I are both HIV negative and we bareback with each other. We have a certain degree of openness in the relationship (mostly when we are on vacation or one of us is out of town), and we always play safe when we are playing with people outside the relationship. We get tested every six months for HIV and everything else and we’ve always been clean.
Even though we always play safe outside, we both get turned on by barebacking. We like bareback porn and the idea of barebacking is hot to us. One onf my unfulfilled fantasies is to be the bottom in a bareback gang bang. We are going on vacation in a few months with a couple we’ve been friends with for a few years and have played with. They are good friends and we trust them. They are both negative. Recently we were hanging out and the idea of the four of us barebacking together when we are on vacation came up. We agreed that if we did this we would all get tested the week before the vacation, and we would only do this during our vacation. Once we are back home, no more barebacking.
So, my question is this: Is this a totally stupid idea and the first step on a slippery slope? Or is this a situation where we are all going into this knowing there are certain risks but we are going about this in a reasonably pragmatic way? Should we do this, or leave it as a fantasy and enjoy a safe vacation?
Heading To Fantasy Island
Officially, HTFI, I’m opposed. Testing the week before you all go away isn’t going to reveal a recent infection, and being a bareback gangbang bottom could—could—place you at risk. And you may find that once you cross this line, crossing it again (and again and again and again) won’t seem like a big deal, and your very greasy ass will be sliding down that very slippery slope.
But… if you trust these guys, and if they’re SAFE with others, and if you bear in mind that you can get infected doing things generally considered “safe” (like oral), and if you trust your partner, and if realizing this fantasy is really important to you, well, you’re a grownup. You have a right to weigh the risks against the rewards, assess your circumstances, and make the call. Some fantasies are worth taking risks to realize. But you have to accept the potential negative consequences going in, HTFI, and recognize that they could be severe.
And how much is the realization of this fantasy worth to your friends? Perhaps they would be willing to swear off all outside play—your and your boyfriend too—until this vacation. So you all test now, both couples remain strictly monogamous for the next three months, and everyone tests again before you head off on vacation. You won’t know for absolute certain that everyone is still HIV negative, but the odds will be much lower. If the prospect of the four of you getting to throw the condoms out for two glorious weeks is tempting enough for everyone to commit to no outside play (or no outsiders) until after your vacation, well….
There would still a risk, though—there’s always a risk.