(and well obesity doesn't taste that well ... either ... but I look beyond smoking more than obesity.)

"Hey, sweetie, I know it's a tough time for you, but if we're gonna stay together, I'd really like it if you would STOP POISONING YOUR DUMB ASS."

My boyfriend (a non-smoker) is tolerant of smokers. Although he doesn't smoke himself, and he doesn't think it is a good idea for others to smoke, it doesn't really bother him all that much. He could potentially date a smoker. He prefers non-smokers, but a smoker is not a deal breaker for him.

But for me, a smoker is totally a deal breaker. I don't care how hot he is, or how spectacular he is at sex, or how often he brushes his teeth, I could never date a smoker, long term. A weekend fling, maybe, but not a long term relationship. You are free to disagree with me, but that is my position, and it is absolute.

Dan is right. If DNUMN is like me, where a smoker is an unequivocal deal breaker, they need to be clear with the girlfriend where they stand.

Not EVERYONE of course, just most people as far as I can tell.

Have yet to hear a Lesbian complain about bad pussy eating from smoking or any thing else.

For me the new car is most important.... dick size, and body hair are also factors.

sorry dan, but matters dealing with addiction seem way out of your knowledge base, not to mention your sensitivity base.

If you know anything at all about addiction, you would know that relapse is part of recovery. Perhaps you should stick to advising on what you know best.

To all the haters: Enjoy an ironic, possibly early death courtesy of your altruistic, I'm-better-than-you-are-neener-neener lifestyles. Next time you're sucking wind on your bicycle, remember that the air quality in urban centers might as well be an ultralight anyway!

Not only to I test positive on allergy tests to tobacco AND tobacco smoke (and woodsmoke) ...

But kissing a smoker is like kissing my father. EW. EW. EW.

Things worse than smoking using those criteria:
1) Meat
2) Cars
3) Babies

But DNUMN wanted to know if he was being unreasonable. And Dan was right. If smoking is your deal breaker, and they won't quit, then leave them. Everyone has things they won't tolerate, maybe it's eating meat, maybe it's kids, maybe it's smoking. Your deal breaker is your deal breaker, and if you make that clear right from the beginning, then you have the right to DTMFA if they cross that line.

There's a palpable hatred for smokers that those who enjoy tobacco not only notice but take pleasure in, to a degree. Like knowing which buttons to push on your younger sibling, or dog, when you really want to set them off. Because it's funny.

I never claimed that my view is the only legitimate one, I wouldn't even go as far to say it's legitimate at all.

The point was that Dan is not sensitive to addiction issues. Except maybe a sex addiction, then he probably does know a thing or two.

But thanks for the info, tomasyalba, you're very smart. good for you.

Who wants to be with someone who can only be happy when they're getting a fix?! Particularly when that fix is stinky and illegal in most public places? You're sentencing yourself to unpleasant plane rides, vacations, shopping trips, guided tours, bus rides...any time your partner can't smoke means less fun for you.

No thanks.

*Exception: caffeine. You can have that anywhere and it is not disgusting.

Another boyfriend just started smoking again and just denied it, despite the pointed evidence of his reeking breath (which you can't cover up with mouthwash) and pores, and the cigarette packets and lighters which just kept materialising in his clothes washing.

I won't date recent ex-smokers (less than 12 months) as their commitment to me usually falls by the wayside as they see me as their obstacle to lighting up again. So the deal-breaker works both ways.

And besides ... at the end of the day, and smoking is so totally in the catagory. You have to accept people for who they are. People won't change for other people, when people do change its for themselves.

(and well obesity doesn't taste that well ... either ... but I look beyond smoking more than obesity.)

Posted by formerly OR Matt | October 23, 2008 1:15 PM
2
What, no comments about how a partner has a right to ask/expect their significant other to abstain from things that will harm or kill them?

"Hey, sweetie, I know it's a tough time for you, but if we're gonna stay together, I'd really like it if you would STOP POISONING YOUR DUMB ASS."

Posted by brian | October 23, 2008 1:18 PM
3
Not to mention their fucking clothes, which REEK. Dump.

Posted by Fnarf | October 23, 2008 1:19 PM
4
I couldn't agree more, Dan.

My boyfriend (a non-smoker) is tolerant of smokers. Although he doesn't smoke himself, and he doesn't think it is a good idea for others to smoke, it doesn't really bother him all that much. He could potentially date a smoker. He prefers non-smokers, but a smoker is not a deal breaker for him.

But for me, a smoker is totally a deal breaker. I don't care how hot he is, or how spectacular he is at sex, or how often he brushes his teeth, I could never date a smoker, long term. A weekend fling, maybe, but not a long term relationship. You are free to disagree with me, but that is my position, and it is absolute.

Dan is right. If DNUMN is like me, where a smoker is an unequivocal deal breaker, they need to be clear with the girlfriend where they stand.

Posted by Reverse Polarity | October 23, 2008 1:24 PM
5
Amen, Dan. Amen.

Posted by Old Mama Chips | October 23, 2008 1:27 PM
6
I've noticed that the people who are so vehemently against smoking are usually ex-smokers. People who don't smoke or who smoke infrequently/casually are less obsessed about it.

Not EVERYONE of course, just most people as far as I can tell.

Posted by Sleestak | October 23, 2008 1:32 PM
7
If smoking is such a deal breaker - you are not worth much to begin with. The smoker should be glad to be rid of you.

Have yet to hear a Lesbian complain about bad pussy eating from smoking or any thing else.

For me the new car is most important.... dick size, and body hair are also factors.

Posted by Jim | October 23, 2008 1:32 PM
8
Amen Dan. And there's another reason for not wanting a smoker. Thousands of people die each year in fires caused by smokers. Someone who drinks and does drugs and smokes poses a fire hazard. That really scares me.

Posted by Vince | October 23, 2008 1:35 PM
9
Also? I can't believe people actually still smoke these days, knowing the damage it does to you, others, and the environment. Even if you don't care enough about yourself not to smoke, quit being selfish and hurting everybody else.

Posted by Precipice | October 23, 2008 1:36 PM
10
DNUMN stated that his greatest fear is that she would continue to relapse, off and on, for the duration of their relationship. If he can't live with that fear, then of course he should break it off! It's no moral failing on his part if he can't live with the prospect that she might fall back in to the habit again.

Posted by Hernandez | October 23, 2008 1:37 PM
11
So, Dan is great, we all know that, great with sex/personal/fetish issues. But apparently not super great when it comes to addiction and addiction issues.

sorry dan, but matters dealing with addiction seem way out of your knowledge base, not to mention your sensitivity base.

If you know anything at all about addiction, you would know that relapse is part of recovery. Perhaps you should stick to advising on what you know best.

Posted by KM | October 23, 2008 1:40 PM
12
And enabling someone helps who exactly?

Posted by Vince | October 23, 2008 1:44 PM
13
@ 2: i agree. when my boyfriend and i got serious, the first thing i did was demand that he start wearing his seat belt. he drives a freaking convertible, and wouldn't wear one. drove me crazy.

Posted by konstantconsumer | October 23, 2008 1:45 PM
14
I'll have a cigarette from time to time - maybe once a month, when I've been drinking enough not to care - but I sure as hell don't expect any action from my girlfriend when I do so.

Posted by Neil | October 23, 2008 1:47 PM
15
I have to ride the elevator with smokers, and even that is enough to send me over the edge. Smokers have NO FREAKING IDEA how bad they smell. When I think back to my teen "mom and dad will never notice" days, I can't believe how stupid I was.

Posted by Fnarf | October 23, 2008 1:48 PM
16
One of the things smoking does is destroy your sense of smell.

Posted by Greg | October 23, 2008 2:01 PM
17
It's not like we're dying (except that we literally are -- ha!) for your love or approval, either, nons. I've dumped many a non-smoker in my day because I find whining preachiness to be a deal breaker, whether it's about smoking or anything else. In the end, sometimes a cigarette > you. Honesty is the best.

To all the haters: Enjoy an ironic, possibly early death courtesy of your altruistic, I'm-better-than-you-are-neener-neener lifestyles. Next time you're sucking wind on your bicycle, remember that the air quality in urban centers might as well be an ultralight anyway!

Posted by jackie treehorn | October 23, 2008 2:02 PM
18
Not only am I a candyass asthmatic who finds smoke (of any kind) triggering...

Not only to I test positive on allergy tests to tobacco AND tobacco smoke (and woodsmoke) ...

But kissing a smoker is like kissing my father. EW. EW. EW.

Posted by JenK | October 23, 2008 2:07 PM
19
Also? I can't believe people actually still smoke these days, knowing the damage it does to you, others, and the environment. Things worse than smoking using those criteria:
1) Meat
2) Cars
3) Babies

Posted by jrrrl | October 23, 2008 2:19 PM
20
KM, it's best not to assume your view is the only legitimate one. A cursory review of the literature suggests a couple things. First off, many who now enjoy a comfortable, long-term, seemingly permanent recovery from susbtance abuse see earlier relapses not as having been part of that recovery, but as simple signifiers of its absence. Second, relapsers often report having made pre-slip displays of just the moral certitude your comment displays. Good luck to you.

Posted by tomasyalba | October 23, 2008 2:28 PM
21
It seems like pretty much every smoker imagines that as they are oblivious to the portable squalor they carry around with them non-smokers who can't stand the habit must be hysterical health nazis. Objective fact: after you have had a butt you reek like a smoldering landfill. Not like coffee breath (as I have heard) not like a meat eater, just plain awful. Never been able fathom how a habit that gives you grotty teeth, a foul odor and ruins your looks and health came to be seen as attractive or 'sexy'.

Posted by Rhizome | October 23, 2008 2:34 PM
22
Here's another reason that single people who want a partner should quit smoking: No one ever refused to go on a date with someone just because they're a non-smoker. Improve your odds! Quit the nasty habit!

Posted by seattle mike | October 23, 2008 2:39 PM
23
The advice wasn't about whether or not DNUMN should quit smoking, although she should, without question, smoking is bad for you.

But DNUMN wanted to know if he was being unreasonable. And Dan was right. If smoking is your deal breaker, and they won't quit, then leave them. Everyone has things they won't tolerate, maybe it's eating meat, maybe it's kids, maybe it's smoking. Your deal breaker is your deal breaker, and if you make that clear right from the beginning, then you have the right to DTMFA if they cross that line.

Posted by Charm | October 23, 2008 2:53 PM
24
I smoked for 20 years and quit 5 years ago. I don't consider myself one of those "rabid ex-smokers" one hears about. I have many friends who still smoke and I can hang out in a bar in Mexico full of smokers without having a melt-down, but my lovers must be a non-smokers. It isn't just the smell either; my ultimate reason for quitting was political. The tobacco corporations and their adherents are completely at odds with my belief system. Being addicted to their products and paying out my own money to fund their lobbyists to push a far-right agenda just became to much to bear.

Posted by inkweary | October 23, 2008 2:55 PM
25
how come no one mentions the health reasons? i am an ex-smoker. this year i watched my grandmother die of a brain tumor caused by metastasized lung cancer. it was the most horrible thing i've ever seen and i don't think i could ever smoke again after watching that. smoking is a deal breaker for me - for many reasons, but mostly because i would not want to watch someone i love die a horrible death caused by cigarettes. my grandmother was always cavalier "you have to die of something" she'd say whenever my mom asked her to stop smoking. well she wasn't cavalier when she was dying and she smoked like a fiend until she couldn't hold a cigarette and inhale anymore. it was horrific.

Posted by xina | October 23, 2008 2:55 PM
26
In the hunt for a mate, EVERYONE has the right to decide their own deal-breakers, whether it be smoking, voting republican, eating meat or snoring. Everyone is also responsible for the consequences of having those preferences. It doesn't matter whether smoking is gross. The LR was honest from the start that smoking was a deal-breaker for HIM, and dumping someone who, knowing that, still smokes, is not unfair.

Posted by SRJ | October 23, 2008 2:56 PM
27
The only reason for Mikki to quit is for her own sake, not mine. And why would a non smoker start dating a smoker if it was a deal breaker and you knew the person smoked from day one?

Posted by Bellevue Ave | October 23, 2008 2:57 PM
28
I would describe the unique shrillness of the vehemently anti-smoker set as (being akin to the clamor of the) hysterically anti-semitic, too.

There's a palpable hatred for smokers that those who enjoy tobacco not only notice but take pleasure in, to a degree. Like knowing which buttons to push on your younger sibling, or dog, when you really want to set them off. Because it's funny.

Posted by jackie treehorn | October 23, 2008 2:58 PM
29
Thursday afternoon advocacy of the devil!

Posted by jackie treehorn | October 23, 2008 3:06 PM
30
Smoking is a deal-breaker for me because I don't want to be with someone who is willfully risking premature death due to cancer, heart disease, or emphysema. Also because it's pretty much the stupidest health-related decision that anyone can make, and idiocy? Not hot.

Posted by Mary in DC | October 23, 2008 3:07 PM
31
Mary, you really haven't enjoyed a good nicotine high lately, have you?

Posted by Bellevue Ave | October 23, 2008 3:14 PM
32
Maybe now more than ever, when it comes to talking about smoking or not smoking, the economics of it should be addressed. Not only up-front costs of supporting a habit that in some areas of the country may run $35-$50 a week, but the longer term costs such as increased health insurance expenses, decreased productivity, shortened life expectancies, etc. To smoke, or not smoke, is an individual choice, and if you choose to smoke, you should try to make yourself aware of how much it is costing you over your lifetime. If you feel you are capable of shouldering that burden, then by all means, start or continue to smoke. But if you can't, is it fair to ask a non-smoking partner to take on those costs for you? Or society at large? Not to mention, what could you do with the money you save on not buying tobacco products every day/week/month!

Posted by PDX_Paulie | October 23, 2008 3:20 PM
33
I don't think I've met a smoker who demanded their non smoking partner "buy them smokes" or put them on their insurance.

Posted by Bellevue Ave | October 23, 2008 3:31 PM
34
As a non-smoker, I find all this self-righteousness incredibly annoying. Everyone on here have their own gross habits, but want to present themselves as health-conscious, clean-living paragons. Life isn't just about surviving in a clean, uncontaminated cocoon, you know?

Posted by Jay | October 23, 2008 3:39 PM
35
tomasyalba, its not best to assume anyone cares how smart you think you are.

I never claimed that my view is the only legitimate one, I wouldn't even go as far to say it's legitimate at all.

The point was that Dan is not sensitive to addiction issues. Except maybe a sex addiction, then he probably does know a thing or two.

But thanks for the info, tomasyalba, you're very smart. good for you.

Posted by KM | October 23, 2008 3:50 PM
36
I would have had *way* more sexual experience in my life if not for one fact: I cannot bear the stench of cigarette smoke. It genuinely makes me physically ill. I have to say, with some regret, that smoking is a deal-breaker for me, and I can certainly understand why it would be for others. It has nothng to do with being a snob or holier-than-thou. If I could tolerate it, I would, and my life would probably be richer for it.

Posted by Lonely | October 23, 2008 4:19 PM
37
No one has mentioned the perils of dating an addict - addiction* itself is a dealbreaker for me.

Who wants to be with someone who can only be happy when they're getting a fix?! Particularly when that fix is stinky and illegal in most public places? You're sentencing yourself to unpleasant plane rides, vacations, shopping trips, guided tours, bus rides...any time your partner can't smoke means less fun for you.

No thanks.

*Exception: caffeine. You can have that anywhere and it is not disgusting.

Posted by EmilyTakesTokyo | October 23, 2008 5:09 PM
38
All these arguments for and against just sound really YOUNG to me. When you find your mate (hopefully you will), you will both agree on all the major issues and habits and practices and policies and morals. Smokers, find a smoker who is willing to share the health issues, non-smokers, make it a deal breaker. There are a lot of issues that come up when you find your life partner - this stuff just sounds like DATING. Then again, i'm 'an old.'

Posted by gracynyc | October 23, 2008 6:18 PM
39
I won't even date recent (ie

Another boyfriend just started smoking again and just denied it, despite the pointed evidence of his reeking breath (which you can't cover up with mouthwash) and pores, and the cigarette packets and lighters which just kept materialising in his clothes washing.

Posted by MikeDownUnder | October 23, 2008 7:08 PM
40
oops used a single angle bracket for "less than" and half my post was obliterated.

I won't date recent ex-smokers (less than 12 months) as their commitment to me usually falls by the wayside as they see me as their obstacle to lighting up again. So the deal-breaker works both ways.

Posted by MikeDownUnder | October 23, 2008 8:12 PM
41
The flip-side comes from smoking advocate Fran Leibowitz who said "Smoking has the added benefit of driving away people you don't want to talk to anyhow."

Posted by xaxatax | October 23, 2008 8:17 PM
42
Question ... what about ... like illigitamate deal breakers. Like ... I don't want my significant other to masterbate, read trashy romance novels. I knew a girl who wanted an innoscent wash board abbed hot body who was all totally monogomous and wanted to wait for marriage.

And besides ... at the end of the day, and smoking is so totally in the catagory. You have to accept people for who they are. People won't change for other people, when people do change its for themselves.

Posted by formerly OR Matt | October 23, 2008 10:25 PM
43
@42 Can I have some of what you're smoking?

Posted by drewl | October 23, 2008 11:13 PM