Slog - Comments on Savage Love Letter of the Day

Comment by violet_dagrinder

violet_dagrinder — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 11:57:41 -0800

Agreed! Nicely done, Dan. You should do this professionally.

Comment by Miss Stereo

Miss Stereo — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 12:03:45 -0800

Maybe the partner has really bad PMS.

Comment by EmilyP

EmilyP — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 12:07:35 -0800

@2: yeah, I hate to play to the stereotype, but if she feels this way about once a month...

I like Dan's advice, but I think the girl could also use a therapist.

Comment by whatevernevermind

whatevernevermind — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 12:11:24 -0800

Yeah, I wondered about the once-a-month thing, too. But the three of them must have thought to rule this out. Right?

When I was in my teens and early '20s, I used to think a triad would be my ideal relationship. Then I grew up and spent half my life dating psychos and losers. If I ever conquer finding one partner, I think I'll quit while I'm ahead.

Comment by Grammar Nazi

Grammar Nazi — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 12:12:15 -0800

As always, Dan, I love your advice. I know you write for a living and can't possibly catch every mistake, but there's a "your" where there should be a "you're" in the third paragraph. Elementary school teachers everywhere are cringing.

(Hey, teachers! What are you doing reading Dan Savage? The shame!)

Comment by Vince

Vince — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 12:16:15 -0800

Maybe the two women could connect with him on a more casual basis. They sound like they're trying too hard. Less pressure=more fun.

Comment by kitschnsync

kitschnsync — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 12:18:54 -0800

WHO EDITS THE EDITORS??

Spot on advice, Dan... But I can't help feeling sorry for the poor schlub who is letting himself be jerked around by these two. There are bi women couples out there that would value his feelings as well.

Comment by Reverse Polarity

Reverse Polarity — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 12:47:50 -0800

I agree. Getting two people into a perfectly balanced relationship is nearly impossible. Any attempt at perfect balance with three people is an utterly lost cause.

Live with imbalance, or stick with being a couple.

Comment by formerly OR Matt

formerly OR Matt — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 12:55:56 -0800

Maybe they got what they needed out of the triad and it's time to move on ...

Threesome relationship ... check ... next song.

Maybe just MAYBE one of the girls is not as gay as the other. I get the sense that one of them is in love with guy, and other has some physical attraction but is more in love with the girl. The upset girl does it more for her sake than the guys. They sound like nice open respectful people, with the one upset who is repressing her true feelings about the situation.

Comment by carlos

carlos — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 13:10:51 -0800

Jealousy is a totally normal feeling. For nearly everybody it's just inevitable. At its worst it's grief as bad as the death of parent. So that's why we have monogamy, not because of God, or because it makes you a better person, but because you want your partner to be monogamous, and then you have to do the same in return. It's for minimizing jealousy.

If you can manage to find three people with an unusually low capacity for jealousy, and they all happen to be attracted to each other, this sort of thing can work. I suppose it's possible, but it sure ain't common.

Comment by i can smell a LUG

i can smell a LUG — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 13:59:20 -0800

this isn't going to work out - the writer likes men. she'll be sneaking off sooner or later.

Comment by mint chocolate chip

mint chocolate chip — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 14:22:20 -0800

My straightdar is pinging.

Comment by breklor

breklor — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 14:28:34 -0800

Sometimes there's no good reason for this kind of feeling. I was in a foursome once (me & my gf with another bf/gf couple) and everyone but me insisted they had got the least amount of attention. Mathematically, this was impossible, especially since I know I didn't get the *most* attention. (I was just having fun and not worrying about it.) Apparently it's easy to misinterpret or fail to recognize positive stuff. Or something like that.

Anyway, Dan, I agree with your advice.

Comment by Jill

Jill — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 14:30:47 -0800

but, Dan, you HATE poly people. this sound, thoughtful advice belies your true, poly-phobic nature. Why don't you just tell them to go fuck themselves, with their polyamourous asses.

Comment by RS

RS — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 15:20:55 -0800

My ex was always interested in persuing a 3-way relationship, but even he would agree that they are a lot more work. They're actually four relationships: A:B, B:C, A:C, and A:B:C together. Plus, not only are you juggling all of these factors, but you're also making sure the other components aren't hurt in the process. I have enough trouble with 1:1 relationships. Never say never, but "not likely" for me at least.

Comment by Ecce Homo

Ecce Homo — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 15:28:33 -0800

What about the feelings of the guy? He's got a hot three way with an amazing bi girl and her bitchy dike sig-other. Dump the dike and find another hot bi girl to keep the hot three way going.

What is wrong with you, Dan? Are you gay?

Comment by LMSW

LMSW — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 17:04:30 -0800

Although people like to believe that balance is a 50-50 proposition, a) there are too many different qualities to simply add up and say there it's all "even" (how would one even measure the quality and quantity of affection?) b) what feels right is completely subjective and not necessarily "even". With this in mind, the three separately or in a group, could likely benefit from some counseling (5-12 sessions), especially as they are mid 20's folks figuring relationships and themselves out. Odds are that if the bi couple just dumps the guy without processing it, there is going to be trouble down the road as one remaining half is likely to feel resentment at the loss/limitation while the other half might remain feeling insecure.