Savage Love Savage Love Letter of the Day
posted by on October 15 at 15:30 PM
I am a 20 year old female, I have been dating a 30 year old male for about 6 months now. He sold my brother a hard drive and my brother happend to find A LOT of shemale porn inside of a hidden folder on the hard drive. I did ask him about it, and he said it was a joke. I’m not sure that its a joke. I’m a very sexually educated person, and think that fantasies are a part of sexual health to some degree, but for some reason I feel concerned about the whole she male situation. Should I buy a strap on and join in or should I feel concerned?D.H.
It’s not a joke—and it’s not necessarily an “either/or” question, D.H. You can buy a strap-on and feel concerned, D.H. But first…
Your boyfriend’s interest in shemale porn and, presumably, shemale persons is not evidence that he’s gay or incapable of monogamy. That’s the assumption scandalized girlfriends and/or wives tend to make when they discover a big, fat, sweaty cache of shemale porn—he must be a fag or he’s cheating on me with shedudes or both. But rest (somewhat) assured: Gay men aren’t interested in shemales or shemale porn, and gay men don’t patronize shemale escorts. Shemale porn/escorts are almost exclusively consumed/patronized by straight guys who are into cock, or would like to get into cock, but are absolutely, positively not into other dudes.
So what do you do?
You don’t accept transparent bullshit for an answer, for starters. Men don’t assemble “joke” porn collections. Say this to the boyfriend: “Look, level with me about this—or we’re through.” And this is what honest “leveling with” will sound like: “Look, I’m straight, I love women, I’m into you. But I’m fascinated by chicks with dicks and want to experience what it’s like to be with a chick with a dick sometime/again sometime.”
If he doesn’t say that or something close, dump him. If he says that or something close, you have to decide if you can stay with a man with an admitted interest in shemales or if you would prefer find a new man who isn’t interested in shemales or is better at concealing his interest in shemales.
Good luck!
He sounds like he's interested in her brother. But, really, selling a hard drive with shemale porn, even "hidden" just seems too obvious. Something isn't adding up.
Speaking as a guy in a monogamous hetero relationship with a history of looking at shemale porn -
1) I don't have any history with or intentions towards actual shemales. It's a fantasy, it's porn, it's not something I pursue in real life.
2) It's not necessarily about having sex with a shemale. It could be about imagining BEING a shemale. I've watched both man-on-shemale porn and woman-on-shemale porn (much harder to find), but I prefer the latter. Sometimes it just seems like it would be awesome to have tits. Like crossdressing, which I have done from time to time, I rapidly lose interest once my arousal is gone.
That being said, I don't have an actual COLLECTION of porn, I just browse it from time to time. Maybe D.H.'s dude does have a deeper interest (or, as Vince says, a hidden agenda).
He may have just forgotten that the porn was on the hard drive. No matter how meticulous one tries to be about concealing one's porn collection(s), there's always room for error. I once forgot to delete some porn off of an old computer that I gave to a neighbor. It happens.
I call major bullshit. Nobody is attracted to she-male porn.
"Shemale porn/escorts are almost exclusively consumed/patronized by straight guys who are into cock, or would like to get into cock, but are absolutely, positively not into other dudes."
umm..., aren't she-males STILL dudes?
Being a chick, I can only speculate, but any guy in America who is confronted by his g/f demanding that he 'level' with her about his porn habits is very likely going to lie through his teethm and I would have a hard time blaming him. A lot of women have a lot of really effed-up ideas about what it means to catch their guy looking at *any* porn, let alone porn that's weird in any way. I suspect that if she pushes this with him in the confrontational way you've suggested it might turn an innocuous curiosity into a relationship-breaking cluster-fuck when it doesn't need to be. What about a playful "oh come on, a *joke*? Come on, really, I want to know, maybe we can pick out some toys together." Heck, she even offered.
if I may extrapolate from personal experience - he wants to be pegged. and he wants to be pegged by you, and not some hairy, muscly gay dude. The varieties of human sexuality know no bounds, ya know?
I imagine his reluctance to own up could be related to two things. 1: he's afraid you'll be disgusted and not understanding of his fetish. This is understandable, as shemales/pegging/role reversal is not, um, mainstream. 2: he's a severe closet case, to the point where he'll watch dicks coming into contact with each other, but only if there are tits and waxing involved as well.
The first scenario seems more plausible, but who knows?
Considering how often this come up, isn't it time to get one of the at-risk youth over there to help Savage Love explain how to properly erase a file?
The guy is a very particular 10 years older (not 25 to 35, 30 to 40, etc.) and he's either lying or has a mindf*ck sense of humor (he didn't wipe the drive?). So older + lying or baggage= You're young + don't waste your time. Find someone who is sexually educated enough to ask directly for what they want.
Uh, why is this any of her business? It's not like she found kiddy porn or snuff porn.
@10: Exactly. Aren't we all entitled to a private interior realm? Sometimes some of our masturbation fodder has nothing whatsoever to do with the desires we'd actually like or need to fulfill--it's just some shit that only works in our head.
I think Dan's off on this one. Don't grill the boyfriend and demand a full, exacting confession. Just fucking drop it.
But holy fucking shit, is it really that difficult to reformat a motherfucking hard drive? Or at least look up the C-drive in the goddamned control panel and make sure that there isn't some huge chunk of unavailable memory that might be filled with, oh, a forgotten porn stash?
Christ, it's like she's dating my dad.
Men don't have "joke" porn collections? Oh, hell yes they do.
There are the obvious jokes: Lemon Party, Goatse, etc. And then there is just the strange. I've got a whole collection of strange straight porn that is not erotic to me at all, SENT TO ME BY GAY FRIENDS. It's a joke.
I am really tired of hearing about women losing their shit about men looking at porn.
Men don't assemble "joke" porn collections? Have you perchance seen the Rule #34 collection?: http://rule34.paheal.net/
Many, many porn lulz to be had.
Still, the dude was doing what any man of worth would do when getting caught with a stash of tranny porn -- pleading ignorance. Demanding a confrontation from him about it will only lead to some unnecessary drama.
Can I just suggest that if she does talk to her boyfriend, she doesn't use the phrases "sexual health" or "very sexually educated person"?
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