Savage Love Savage Love Letter of the Day
posted by on October 6 at 12:57 PM
I get more letters at “Savage Love” than I could ever hope respond to in the column or in print. But until October 16 you can get a guaranteed response by going to www.noonprop8.com, making a donation of $25 or more, and sending me your question along with your donation confirmation email.
I donated money to No On 8. Cool idea to set this up; thanks for taking the time to read and answer this.I’m a 21-year-old gay guy. I used to think I had a clear type of guy I was into: small, twinky, feminine, boyish bottom. I’ve been dating a guy (my first BF) that fits this bill for the last few months and the sex has been mostly great, though lately he’s been enjoying it more than I have. (I’ve started giving him head, which I didn’t think I’d be into. I also fuck him, and he never fucks me.)
For the last few weeks my tastes have been changing. I’m now into more traditional-looking guys. Even bears sometimes. And I don’t always think of being the top, as I used to—sometimes I even think of being the bottom! It used to be easy and clear. The problem is I’m worried I won’t be able to find one guy I want to have sex with the rest of my life, because I don’t have one clear type he can fit into—I’m attracted to a bunch of guys, not just one type.
Thanks for answering my question!
Bright College Days
Welcome to your all-grown-up-now sex life, BCD.
Like billions of men and women before you, BCD, you’ve discovered—now that you’re out there dating and fucking—that whatever it was you thought you wanted back when we were beating off in your parents’ house doesn’t really do it for you, or isn’t the only thing that does it for you. Do not despair. Everyone’s first sexual experiences involve some testing of presumed preferences in body types and looks—our “type”—against reality. Some find that they’re into bigger, meatier, even fatter folks than they thought they would be; others discover that, despite beating off to images of, say, muscle jocks all through adolescence, that slender guys do it for them.
So are you just not into twinks? Can’t say. You may be into your Twink Boyfriend, or his type, but you’re rapidly losing interest in him sexually because your dick wants to explore other types. And your dick knows that only way its ever gonna get to do that is if you end things with Twink Boyfriend, so your dick is actively sabotaging your relationship. Damn dick.
So what do you do? If there’s a time in your life to be single and out there exploring your options and discovering what it is you really like in bed, it’s when you’re young and 21 and in college. So you might want to think about breaking things off with Twink Boyfriend. You could also propose opening things up; seeing other people, and other types of guys, perhaps together. I’ll betcha there are lots of beefy, traditional-to-bearish looking guys at or around your school that would love to have a crack at you and your boyfriend together.
But you’re very likely to learn, as you conduct your explorations, BCD, that you’re attracted to twinks and jocks, bears and girly boys, topping and bottoming, and that there isn’t “one type” of guy or sex that does it for you 24/7/365. Even if you were into just one type of guy—let’s say girly twinks—you’re still going to find yourself attracted to other guys, other girly twinks, in addition to the twink in your bed at home. You’ll also find, as you meet other adult gay men, that most gay men in successful LTRs allow their partners to have some safe, controlled, occasional, and limited outside sexual contact. Some gay men are in monogamous relationships—or relationships they believe to be monogamous—but most gay male couples recognize that a frustrated desire to be with others—other twinks, other types, whatever—can be more destabilizing, and a bigger threat to the survival of their relationship, than the occasional threeway or piece on the side.
Got a question? Make a donation today at www.noonprop8.com and get an answer!
He didn't say he was getting into fatties, just "traditional-looking"
Being into fatties requires self projection of worth, and it sounds like this one actually has some.
I can't be the only who noticed that the letter as printed doesn't contain a question.
Even a Yale undergrad should have spotted that.
I can't say or think of anything that you haven't already said. I mean I can but it would be retarded.
Solid advice.
@2
They're not looking for an answer, they're looking for advice. They've supplied everything they've come to discover, and they're clearly looking for guidance, as their tastes are changing and those tastes obviously don't fit in to what one would normally term a typical relationship. It doesn't take more than a high school dropout to spot that.
And then there's the whole www.noonprop8.com /SL letter thing you might have missed.
This conversation is making me horny. Bye.
Yeah, I regretted my snarky post right after I clicked "post." Sorry all.
most successful gay couples have some form of non-monogamy sexual encounters? really? you pulled that out of your ass, savage. without even getting into the semantics of what constitutes a "gay couple" (sexual, financial, spacial, emotional, etc.) there is no study or reputable survey that says "most successful" gay couples are open. i'm not saying it's wrong to have an open relationship, but lying to someone looking for advice to make the world conform to your viewpoint is pretty fucking pathetic.
http://blogs.psychologytoday.com/blog/gay039s-anatomy/200809/are-gay-male-couples-monogamous-ever-after
http://www.gaycouplesinstitute.org/blog/category/monogamy/
Blah blah blah.
most gay couples i know have some form of an open relationship. many are monogamous for the same reason straight couples are monogamous: pure lazyness.
Excellent advice! Wish you'd been around to write to when I was 18.
Max @9 is absolutely write. Me and my bf have been monogamous for 17 years. We're also the laziest two fags on the planet!
So Dan, I'm in a supposedly monogamous m/m relationship. Does that mean that I should be inherently suspicious because they don't exist?
Just cause Terry is screwing around on you when he's out on his own doesn't mean every gay relationship is open.
Gettin' some catty ones up on Slog today, huh?
Well, #14, I think it's getting kind of old. First Dan says that, for most people, committed partnerships traditionally haven't been considered as important or as worthy of respect as marriages. Now he's saying that more often than not, the basis of many successful gay relationships is due to a degree of openness.
He's right, but that doesn't make it any less annoying to read.
Honesty will only hurt your partner when it's the honesty about last night. So obviously, you should talk about these things before you declare a relationship. It's called dating.
If you didn't think you would want to see others during dating, it's better to be honest about what you're feeling now instead of bottling it up and then having to be honest about that last night I mentioned above, where you'll hurt your partner more than anything. It's called not being a shithead.
If you met someone you really like--like a lot, but you know there are things you'll have to BS and hide in order to make that relationship happen, then you're just a creep.
Relationships are (usually) only hard when people are selfish and riddled with double-standards. Wouldn't you be happier if you played The Game the right way? M-hm. But if you're anything like me, you only learn through your mistakes. M-hm.
Wow, Mr. Poe wins most insightful.
Seriously!
16 gas GOT to be a sock-puppet
lol
Re: #1 It sounds that you're saying that people into fatter people lack self-worth? I think that you're wrong.
I think Dan's advice is right-on.
I'm in a long-term relationship with a man that I love deeply. Are we married? Nope, can't do that in this state. Yet, all our friends (gay and str8) say we're the most married couple they know.
Monagomous? Yes and no. Sometimes we have a three-way or play with another couple. We agreed to this from the very beginning. We both enjoy it and have never exhibited any jealousy during it. Come on guys, it gives you a chance to experience different things and kinks than you normally would at home. We don't play without eachother although we have both said we wouldn't be bothered if the other did. I will admit to being tempted but I can honestly say that my partner means too much to me to do that. Above all, I respect him and wouldn't want him to question my love for him or to hurt him. It just isn't worth it.
Hopefully, Mr. Bright College Guy will do his exploring now and then someday be mature enough to have a relationship based on respect and honesty. It sounds like he at least has a shot. I've sure met a lot of guys who never seem to figure that one out.
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