Slog News & Arts

Line Out

Music & Nightlife

« Savage Love Letter of the Day | Meanwhile at UW »

Thursday, October 30, 2008

“God Told Me To Bone You”

posted by on October 30 at 13:20 PM

I’m paraphrasing, but that subject-line statement is essentially the pick-up line used by a Catholic priest who allegedly slept with a woman he met in his confessional.

From ABC News:

A Catholic priest allegedly seduced a distraught woman after hearing her confession, telling her to have an affair with him because it was “ordained by God,” the Queens, N.Y., woman claims in a lawsuit.
According to the lawsuit, Father Elvis Elano professed his love for her immediately after her first confession at the Church of Our Lady of the Snows in Queens, N.Y. “Your presence struck me like a thunderbolt,” Elano allegedly told Rodrigues-Lytwyn, who says she was distraught over her recent divorce and her ex-husband’s alleged drug use.

The lawsuit, first reported by The Smoking Gun, claims Elano immediately began courting her and encouraging her to have sex with him to overcome her grief over her divorce and “because it was ordained by God.”

Rodrigues-Lytwyn “immediately became overwhelmed” by Elano’s advances and embarked on a four-month-long affair with him, the lawsuit says.

Extra-creepy closing details:

According to the lawsuit, Elano ordered Viagra over the Internet and arranged sexual encounters with Rodrigues-Lytwyn at her house and at a hotel in Montauk, N.Y. She claims she broke off her relationship after Elano admitted that he had developed a rash in his groin area and legs.

So, God ordained the affair, but refused to help Father Elano with his erectile disfunction or protect the priest from whatever rashed up his groin. Full story here.

RSS icon Comments


"Also, God wants you to call me by my first name: Elvis."

Posted by flamingbanjo | October 30, 2008 1:22 PM

Ah God, you move in mysterious ways.

Posted by gnossos | October 30, 2008 1:32 PM

Oh Father Elvis, you rashy limp-dicked son of a bitch...

Posted by Hernandez | October 30, 2008 1:46 PM

elvis is NOT a saint's name! when did holy mother the church changes the rules to allow names like Elvis or, god forbid, britney? heaven help us! i shall need at least a novena or two to help me calm down.

Posted by scary tyler moore | October 30, 2008 1:49 PM

A straight priest?!?

Who knew?

Posted by blackhook | October 30, 2008 2:05 PM

Sounds like a case of Extreme Unction.


Posted by John Bailo | October 30, 2008 2:08 PM

Damn, I never knew priests could be straight....totally shocking, seriously, are we sure the priest was not really a lesibian and used Viagra as a cover?

Posted by Cato the Younger Younger | October 30, 2008 2:27 PM

Funnily enough, today's news includes the Vatican's idea that priests need to take a psychological test to determine if they're perverts, and also to determine if they're gay. Because the two obviously go hand in hand.

All sex-obsessed priests all the time!

Posted by EmilyP | October 30, 2008 2:38 PM

I just heard Donna Brazil on CNN say "Of course there is a God" and "There's plenty of proof there is a God". Really!?! What proof?

Posted by Vince | October 30, 2008 2:38 PM

There's *plenty* of proof there's a God.

I just read in an updated version of The Bible that God is considering declaring bankrupcy because, in these dicey economic times, He can no longer afford to pay the Electric Bill for The Universe.

Posted by blackhook | October 30, 2008 3:06 PM

oh please, the mormons have been using that line forever

Posted by ... | October 30, 2008 3:58 PM

@4: Scary, if I remember my catechism correctly, the rules clearly state that your first name needn't be a saint's if your middle name is.

So he's probably Elvis Aloysius Elano.

Posted by emma's bee | October 30, 2008 5:46 PM

Let's hope your not judged as quickly and harshly as those of you that are judging him. This is the United States, and last time I checked we were innocent until proven guilty. This is a also a great time to use two adults weakness to exploit the church for some profit. What's lower then a lawyer, nothing.

Posted by Beliver | October 30, 2008 8:06 PM

@13, um, "Beliver": Hence the use of the word "ALLEGEDLY" in both the original source material and Schmader's comments. You might say we have only a certain amount of faith (or "fath") that the story is true.

Posted by rob | October 30, 2008 8:34 PM

See? I've been looking for good pick up lines that actually work (note to self - go to church more often). I wish I had known about "because it was ordained by God" back in the day.

Do you think it's too late to try to use it to convince my gf for more (regular / constant) blowjobs? :)

Posted by Fred34 | October 31, 2008 6:03 AM

Comments Closed

Comments are closed on this post.