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The XXX Files!

Oh, the “famous”! Aren’t they all such total bunch of big raging perverts? Of course they are. They can’t help it. It’s all in the DNA. (The celebrity allele and the pervert allele travel hand-in-hand. Look it up.) But oh so very few of “the famous” have the courage to stand up (off their God damn knees) and do what David Duchovny just did: buck nature and check his famous and perverted ass into rehab to handle the sticky issue. (Or, um, not handle it.) And David’s particular perversion? Well, he’s addicted to, uh, online porn. Well. Yes. Online porn!

Online porn?

Observe:

Actor David Duchovny allegedly entered rehab for an Internet porn habit, according to reports.

Indeed. At first the rumors flying around claimed that David checked into a sex addiction rehab or whatever to save his marriage to Tea Leoni after she caught him porking the tennis instructor. (People still pork tennis instructors? People still have tennis instructors?) But no. Porn. Online porn. Which seems like such a waste of effort, as far as addictions go. Especially sex addictions. I’m sure you agree.

But most importantly: They have actual rehabs for perverts? Who knew? And where the hell can I find one near me?

Comments (27)

1

How about my "red shoe diaries" addiction? In one episode a nubile young woman hires her tennis coach to be her sex teacher.

Posted by ams | September 3, 2008 1:17 PM
2

Well, obviously, the first place to start looking is on online porn sites. Duh.

Posted by Wankman | September 3, 2008 1:20 PM
3

I'm addicted to Slog, is there a rehab that will help me overcome that?

The original reports were "sex addiction" which I took to mean lots of real live sex with lots of real live people. That was so much more juicy.

All of it is ever so funny in light of his latest television series.

Posted by PopTart | September 3, 2008 1:23 PM
4

I hear he read a lot of Mulder/Scully slash fic.

Posted by LDP in Cincinnati | September 3, 2008 1:24 PM
5

It's just like his role in Full Frontal, only he won't die.

Posted by Mr. Poe | September 3, 2008 1:31 PM
6

God that's so hot.

Posted by catnextdoor | September 3, 2008 1:32 PM
7

Dear Adrian,

Perhaps the Fruedian position to take is to elongate by the depth of field in your spatial capacity relay mechanisms.

In the heated political enviornments of our presently tense generations, there are multiple solutions to the ongoing datalines and points of intesecting incremental appeasement catalysts.

Often, in the genre filled lifestyles of the wealthy, famous and very connected insiders.... the necessity to infiltrate certain geographical logistical situations require of man of stealth and characters to knuckle over the small innuendos and proceed straight into the haze and fog of the smoke screens of battle.

Often when giving unsolicited advice as I am, I freely admit that I have overstepped my bonds and bounds that eliviate stress from one side of the mind to another.

This is of course a common form of passive agressive bi-polaristic reflux syndrome.

Hipters like yourselves, ever aware of the increasing valued use of technocratic lingo and bludgeoning euphanisms that smother the minds of clearly biggoted uninitiates in a given shelve of topical subject matter,

will do thee well to adhere to a few simple rules when invoking the names of the stars whos screenwriters and grandparents that may want revenge on you for lost revenue due to substandard ratings during sweeps week:

Consequence?

Purgatory at best...

at worst...hell forever in

Mayor Nicklesville.

Posted by Dr. No | September 3, 2008 1:36 PM
8

My vote is with Dr. No.

Posted by danielbennettkieneker | September 3, 2008 1:37 PM
9

Ok ... I used to have crush on Tea Leoni ..... but if she is going to go all postal for a PORN ADDICTION!

I mean, try be married to someone with real problems like Scott Weiland!

Posted by formerly OR Matt | September 3, 2008 1:39 PM
10

I recently heard of this wet nurse who had released all the old sound files from the prosecutors lawyers team who were under investigation for making peoples minds suceptible to poor grammar by adding illegally insane emoticons to the repetative looping tricksters... Do you think Sherman Alexie is writing a new book on cop hackers or is there a new screen writers block on again this season?

Posted by danielbennettkieneker | September 3, 2008 1:43 PM
11

@ 7: ooh! i'm a hipster? awesome!

Posted by adrian | September 3, 2008 1:45 PM
12

@ 7: i'm a hipster? really? awesome!

Posted by adrian | September 3, 2008 1:47 PM
13

@9

Seconded!

Posted by Sir Learnsalot | September 3, 2008 1:50 PM
14

Fox Mulder also had a porn addiction. ?!

Posted by Mikki | September 3, 2008 1:52 PM
15

It is quite interesting that Fox Mulder and David Duchovny share the same porn addiction problem. Talk about method acting!

Posted by Marty | September 3, 2008 1:54 PM
16

My only beef with David Duchovny is that since he married Tea Leoni her star fell far short of expected. I thought she showed a lot of promise as an actress before becoming a mommy.

Posted by elswinger | September 3, 2008 2:03 PM
17

Speaking of Tea Leoni, does anyone know if she's the daughter of the lead actress in Leave Her To Heaven?

She looks awfully similar.

Posted by Will in Seattle | September 3, 2008 2:07 PM
18

Hello - this is totally a publicity stunt. This is viral marketing campaign for the second season of Californication

Posted by DavidC | September 3, 2008 2:09 PM
19

@17: Try IMDB, and no, she is no relation to the famous and beautiful Gene Tierney.

Posted by Mikki | September 3, 2008 2:25 PM
20

he's got a beautiful wife who probably gives it up. he's just greedy/pathetic.

Posted by lighten up | September 3, 2008 2:31 PM
21

This is claptrap. Tea thinks the idea of online overuse is less shameful than actual adultery (as probably most people would), so "friends" have been dispatched to sell this story. His overactive liason-ing with everyone in sight has been pretty well documented, though. The cat won't go back into the bag.

Posted by Terry | September 3, 2008 2:39 PM
22

Um, if you're married to Tea Leoni and you would rather watch online porn... you have a problem.

Posted by Greg | September 3, 2008 2:41 PM
23

@19 - thanks. Darn. Greg @22 for the win.

Posted by Will in Seattle | September 3, 2008 2:56 PM
24

Adrian, where you been buddy? There have been rehab centers here in the good ol' U.S.of A. that offer 12 step programs for sexual addiction for at least ten years now. Google it baby...

Posted by Fillip | September 3, 2008 3:43 PM
25

How is it possible that Will in Seattle, America's Number One Film Critic ("It was three hours long"), doesn't know who Gene Tierney is?

Posted by Fnarf | September 3, 2008 4:04 PM
26

all publicity is good publicity.

and, if he's going to humiliate himself this way in public, i hope he was at least watching something really really dirty. like i do.

Posted by max solomon | September 3, 2008 4:46 PM
27

ummm guys, online porn is a serious addiction. just like regular internet addiction.

an online porn addict is not just someone that watches a ton of internet porn. nor is he or she someone who watches what anyone would consider "normal, expected" amounts.

these are people who have such a profound addiction that it is actually interfering with their everyday life in very negative ways. it isn't just the stress it puts on the marriage. it can have negative ramifications for career, health and family life and can impede basic functioning. that is why it is categorized as an addiction, because the addict TRULY CANNOT STOP.

it has nothing to do with how attractive the wife is or whether she puts out or whether he's secretly gay or whatever.

Posted by bridget | September 3, 2008 4:59 PM

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