??!! The Children Are Our Future (We’re Fucked)
posted by September 10 at 14:45 PMon
The other day, I found myself—for the first time in years—inside a community center, a place where babies gather to engage in art projects and table tennis and psychological warfare. In the main hallway, I noticed that some enterprising and earnest babies had constructed a large wire dome, on which they had pinned an army of colorful felt homunculi and a bunch of note cards. Each note card bore one baby’s vision for the future of earth.
I know you guys think that Sarah Palin and John McCain are scary, but check out what these fuckin’ babies have in store for us:
“I wish the animals were not scared of anything.”
Oh, great! Great idea, dumbass. Personally, I feel a lot safer knowing that sharks are scared of my outboard motor, and bears are afraid of me waving my arms and yelling “Don’t eat me, fucker!”, and snakes couldn’t be more terrified of my fucking foot and just want to hide in a hole all year instead of, you know, CHOMPING MY TOE WITH THEIR VENOMOUS FANGS.
“I wish spider weren’t feared.”
Ohhhh, fantastic. You know that’s just what they want, right? You’re playing right into their eight tiny hands! Spiders cannot wait for us to let our guard down and stop squishing them so that, under cover of night, they can carry out their ultimate scheme: to eat every single one of our eyeballs. Do you like having eyeballs? Me too. But you can kiss your eyeballs goodbye (well, not physically—that’s impossible) if these babies get their way.
“I wish there were more animals.”
Whoa whoa whoa. Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK? You babies are even crazier than I thought. So once you’ve established your armies of fearless, bloodthirsty beasts, and we humans are hobbling around blind and toeless, what you’re wishing for is more animals?! Fuck!
“I wish seals could say their feelings.”
I have no criticism here. This actually is my fondest wish.
“I wish all animals could celebrate holidays.”
Haven’t the animals taken enough from us already? I mean, really. My god.
I think the lesson here is clear: DO NOT ELECT BABIES TO PUBLIC OFFICE. Or animals, for that matter. I think they may have formed some sort of alliance. We’re fucked.