Slog

Three responses to this week’s column.

You told WWM, the woman whose boyfriend wanted sex more often than she did, that she should “commit to being his full-blown sex partner once a week and his life-size, ambulatory masturbatory aide at least three times a week.”

I’m sure you’ll get plenty of angry letters, so I won’t bother going off on you; I’ll just tell you that my first boyfriend basically had that idea, and I was young and trying to feel adventurous, so I went with it. My self-respect was trashed. I fucked around (with his blessing) and ruined a bunch of relationships that should have been just friends; looking back, while I know I can’t blame my behavior on anyone else, I think a big reason was that I was having so much unsatisfying sex with him—emotionally as well as physically. He claimed to love me, then pulled shit like waiting till I fell asleep so he could fuck me in the ass—the one thing we rarely did otherwise, because as hard as I tried to be his sex toy, he did not do a good job at all of easing into it, and it hurt. Even when he wasn’t doing such despicable shit, he acted like he owned my body, and I put up with it, because I accepted that role for myself.

Now, granted, my ex was a deluded creep with no social skills, but I don’t see any difference between the way he treated me and what you’re advising for WWM and her boyfriend. He can masturbate; if his hand isn’t good enough he can hit up the local sex toy shop. If she wants to increase her libido somehow, more power to her, but advising her to have sex that isn’t physically satisfying to her won’t do anyone any good; it’s even worse than the twice-a-week compromise. No one’s satisfied. I am all for being GGG and satisfying your partner and having lots of sex, but it should be good sex. Having crappy sex will just cheapen it, and taking on the role of “masturbatory aide” will just humiliate her. I assume her boyfriend isn’t physically disabled, and knows how to get himself off. There’s no reason she needs to do it for him.

Nobody’s Right Hand

I don’t see the connection between your ex-boyfriend’s behavior and my suggestion that WWM help her boyfriend out now and then when he’s horny. Allowing a partner to nuzzle your breasts or crotch while he has a wank in no way compares to fucking someone in the ass while she’s asleep.

But you’re correct, NRH, when you insist that my suggestion for WWM and her boyfriend would amount to “unsatisfying sex.” Taking ten minutes to rub one out would be unsatisfying sex—if it were sex, which it’s not. It’s masturbation—that’s what I called it, NRH, and that’s what it is. And having a wank in the arms/under the ass/at the knees of an indulgent, upbeat, not-into-it-now-but-generally-into-you boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse/whatever is perfectly satisfying masturbation, as masturbation goes.

And helping someone out under those circumstances—he’s horny, you’re not—can be a loving, giving thing to do, not a demeaning, self-negating thing to do.

Look, I’m sorry you had a shitty boyfriend, and I wish you nothing but good, decent, respectful sex partners in the future. But you’re comparing loving, indulgent apples to abusive, obnoxious oranges here, NRH.

Your response to WWM was good, although you might have let her off a little too easy. First off, the best response to a SO asking nicely for more sex is not to cry. She obviously sees this as something important, and yet every time she makes sure that he feels bad about asking. And I would have been more forceful on the patience aspect for both of them. After 10 years of wondering whether marriage meant once-a-month sex, my wife hit 31 and now she’s the one begging me for sex day and night. Finally Fulfilled

Like I said to WWM in my response: “If you’ve been to the doc and ruled out a hormonal imbalance, WWM, and made sure that whatever birth-control method you’re using isn’t decimating your libido, your best bet is to accept that this is the way you work for now—you may surprise yourself when you hit your sexual peak—and find some middle ground.”

I’ve heard from lots of women over the years who had low libidos and no kinks to speak of in their teens and early 20s. Then they hit 30 and all hell breaks loose. (Good hell!) Tragically, many of these same women rejected—ran screaming from—guys they liked, guys they dug, guys they seriously thought about marrying… when they discovered their guy had some boring, run-of-the-mill kink. But instead of staying with and indulging the perfectly nice foot fetishist—or the totally hot cross-dresser or the freakishly considerate bondage freak—who would so totally owe ‘em now, these woman opted instead to find the dullest, most vanilla guys they could and marry them. Tragic.

I have noticed a number of emails (from women mostly) addressing libido issues. They seem to fall into two distinct categories—women in their 20s whose libido is less than that of their male partner and women in their 30s whose libido is greater than that of their male partners. It’s no secret that (generally speaking) men and women peak sexually at different ages.

My experience is no different. As a male, from about ages 10 to 30 I was ready, willing and able to perform sexually at the drop of a hat. The women in my life? Not so much. Now in my mid-30s, I still enjoy sex but it’s clear the shoe is definitely on the other foot. I know there are physiological and psychological reasons for this, but I can’t help thinking (with smug satisfaction) this is a sort of biological revenge for the blue balls men like me were forced to endure during our sexual prime.

Your thoughts?

Pete

It’s just God’s way of letting us know that straight women in their early 30s and 40s are supposed to sleep with straight boys in their late teens and early 20s and that straight men in their 30s and 40s are supposed to fuck straight girls in their late teens and early 20s.

It’s either that, Pete, or God just likes gay couples—who always in sexual synch (so long as we’re close in age)—way better than He likes straight couples.