Savage Love Savage Love Letter of the Day
posted by September 22 at 13:48 PMon
Letter of the day? It’s more like a dialogue—or an extremely lengthy email exchange—and since it’s pretty epic, most appears after the jump. And BA will see this post, so feel free to offer your own advice in comments.
We spoke briefly about my husband’s crossdressing and diaper fetish some time ago (Diaper Pals, Feb 8, 2007). After about a year and alot of work we found a “happy medium” and things toddled along fairly well for awhile. But now I’m pregnant (late first trimester) and every time he slides those nappies on I feel this overwhelming urge to throw something at him. I don’t want sex at all, must less the time-consuming extravaganza satisfying his fetish regularly requires. I just want to sleep, literally, all the time.
When I tried to delicately bring this up, he pointed out some of the “finer print” on the agreement we worked out between us, where I promised him a set number of hours a week in exchange for him not masturbating himself to the point where he doesn’t want to perform with me on “my days” (one of the issues we had). Obviously this is a situation where we need to renegotiate our deal—I am perfectly fine with him masturbating himself raw all he wants, in whatever clothing makes him happy, so long as he does it away from me as the rubbing plastic sounds grate on my nerves for some stupid reason.
I’ve brought this up, but he’s reluctant to work with me on this. He feels betrayed that I don’t want to participate anymore, despite our deal, and even further betrayed that (when he switches to his other fetish, crossdressing) I don’t find him attractive at all. One girly moan and I’m, quite literally, nauseated. I know I’m not being GGG here, but the mere thought of six more months of his claiming that I “already love the baby more than him” and saying that, if it’s a girl he “just knows he’ll be jealous” is really starting to wear me out. I’m a wreck all the time, I can’t keep a damn thing down, and I’m sick to death of his (what I consider to be) goddamn selfish attitude! We agreed on starting our family together!
Why in the hell is he acting like this NOW when it’s too late to back out?!
I need advice, pointers, something… ANYTHING to say to him. I know this can be figured out but I can’t wrap my head around how. I just can’t handle this by myself anymore!
A lot of men get little or no sex while their partners are pregnant. Your reproductive organs are pretty much OCCUPIED at the moment. Quite literally. So give him permission to wank all he wants right now. Just make sure you both understand—and say out loud, and realize and believe—that your pregnancy is ONLY TEMPORARY. No need to end your old agreement. Just suspend it.
Thank you. I appreciate you getting back to me so quickly.
I’m just worried about one thing—what do I do if, after the baby’s here, I look at all the “big baby” stuff and still can’t stand the thought of dealing with it? You’re a dad and (if I’m remembering this right from your book) you got your son when he was a baby, right? How much did his needs cut into your private time with your partner?
Naturally baby comes first, but I’m concerned about how frustrated I’m going to get laundering two sets of diapers, giving two different feedings, telling two bedtime stories, etc. I have no idea how soon he’s going to want to re-initiate activities once version 2.0 is born, though TBH, at this moment, I don’t care. (Which of course, since I was raised Catholic, trips my guilt.)
I’m freaking out a little simply because, while I love him, I desperately don’t want to associate hubby’s kink with our upcoming bundle of joy. One is something that turns him on the other is… well, will be our baby.
I’m frustrated and guilty and angry and sick and just hating the world right now. Worse yet, I’ve bit my tongue several time to keep the “why can’t you just be NORMAL?!?!” question from flying out of my mouth in the past few weeks. I know he can’t control what he likes… I just wish he’d be more reasonable about it.
Sorry to dump on you. It’s been a hell of a week.
You’re hormonal… right?
I mean that in the nicest possible way. You’re going to have to compartmentalize, BA, and keep your actual baby child separated from your adult baby fetishist. And remember: Your child’s infancy is temporary. Your kid will out grow it. So a time will come, after two or three years, when the baby stuff is “his” again, and not your child’s. But, yeah, it will definitely be a bit
trickier to navigate his fetish—emotionally—during this period of overlap, for sure. So the husband should brace himself for less baby-play during his child’s infancy. Tell him I said so. And get a diaper service.
And you might want to consider letting him get a little indulgence elsewhere—many pro doms do adult baby play, for instance. Better for him to be happy and, er, pacified, and for you two to stay together and parent together, than for him to be frustrated at being denied and you to feel guilty/resentful about being forced to play along.
My partner and I adopted our son as an infant—the day he was born, in fact—but we adopted. While bringing a baby home cut into our sex life, it was mostly a problem of logistics. Neither of us had to endure the huge physical and hormonal deal that is being pregnant, giving birth and recovering. It can’t compare to what you’re going through.
I’m not offended. Hormonal is the absolute nicest way to describe the insane ups and downs I’ve been going through lately. I actually prefer “raging-psycho-lunatic-bitch.” Much catchier. Thank you. Thank you thank you thank you. I needed to hear that. I needed to hear that it’s okay, that our sex life isn’t baby-damaging, and that juggling the two can be done.
As for the pro-dom, I already suggested that along with the free-pass for jerk-off funtime, but he’s shy and more than a little self-loathing about his fetish so I sincerely doubt he’ll take me up on it. Thank you.
You could find the dom for him. I know a lot of pro doms, and they are all—to a woman—touched when a wife gets in touch with them to set up an appointment for a hubby whose needs exceed their interests, abilities, or capacities. It’s really a loving act. If your husband is too nervous to explain what he’s interested in, you could lay it all out.
And he likes being dominated about this stuff, right? And he’s into the humiliation aspect? So if it’s not a financial hit (doms are pricey), why not call a few in your area, interview ‘em, find one you think is sane and respectful, and set something up. then tell your hubby—order your hubby—to go see the nice
lady. Tell him he doesn’t have to explain what he wants or what he’s into. she’s already been told. He just has to go and enjoy. And your small investment of time (finding a dom, interviewing her, setting up the appointment), could keep your husband off your back for a good, long while.
Oh, and you’re a saint and your husband better stop taking you for granted. Have him read this exchange, and re-read the advice I gave guys back in early 2007.
Thank you! I suppose a pro would be an option. I’ve never really researched it before. We’re in a big city, so there’s bound to be someone who might work. :)