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Savage Love Letter of the Day

Hmmm, written before but perhaps my concern is either too weird or not weird enough.

Since my husand and I have been together he has never comforted me when I am emotional and cry. I would go to him for a hug and comfort but he always refused. After years of being hurt by this I finally confronted him for an honest answer. He said that when I cry he gets an erection, and immediatly feels like a sexual freak and so keeps me at a distance.

Any way we can deal with this other than ignoring it and me never getting comfort? We are really at a loss.

Help Us Hug

P.S. We have a great frequent sex.

Hey, this is weird: I get erections in cabs, pretty much for no reason, and it makes me feel like a sexual freak.

But I still get in cabs.

Since you know he gets erections that he can’t help when you get emotional, tell him that you’re not going to hold those erections against him. Swear you won’t resent him for getting hard. Then tell him, however, that you do resent him for withholding physical affection when you need it most.

Comments (21)

1

this is great opportunity to get banged... Just do it.

Posted by enr1443 | September 18, 2008 3:10 PM
2

he told you the truth. perhaps you should find comfort in his boner.

Posted by max solomon | September 18, 2008 3:10 PM
3

THAT was too much information.....

Posted by Cato the Younger Younger | September 18, 2008 3:12 PM
4

Is this guy the lead singer from VAST?

"i didn't want to hurt you baby,
i didn't want to hurt you,
i didn't want to hurt you,
but you're pretty when you cry"

Posted by Julie in Chicago | September 18, 2008 3:12 PM
5

I get horny when I'm sad and sex does indeed make me feel better. There's a similar sense of awkwardness when I'm around sad people, I want to comfort them, but my mind tends to stray off in the wrong direction when I do. Is this a Man/Woman thing? Any ladies out there who get horny when they're sad?

Posted by Super Jesse | September 18, 2008 3:14 PM
6

I get boners when female characters (or male, though more rarely) in video games die in a violent fashion, but I still play violent video games.

Posted by Anonymous | September 18, 2008 3:15 PM
7

It's amazing this relationship made it to marriage.  Even knowing how self-esteem issues can cripple assertion of emotional needs, I'm boggling at how refusal of comfort in time of need is not a deal breaker.

Posted by lostboy | September 18, 2008 3:15 PM
8

Actually, I think acting on those sadness boners is bad... next thing you know he'll be looking for ways to make your life miserable so you'll fuck him.

Posted by UNPAID BLOGGER | September 18, 2008 3:23 PM
9

If we get in a cab together and you get a hard on can we have anal sex on the first date?

Posted by thaumaturgistguy | September 18, 2008 3:23 PM
10

There's no such thing as a bad boner.

There are inconvenient boners and badly timed boners and difficult-to-hide boners but there are no bad boners.

- "No Bad Boners", by the Boner Acceptance League of Lower Syracuse

Posted by Breklor | September 18, 2008 3:48 PM
11

@5 Sure there are.

Posted by simsim | September 18, 2008 3:51 PM
12

This letter gave me a boner. I think I'll go hug it.

Posted by Vince | September 18, 2008 3:52 PM
13

My poor reading comprehension, I read this 3 times before I realized that it wasn't the hug that caused the boner. I was like, well, duh...

Anyway if I feel responsible for the crying it sure ain't making a boner, but if my girl is crying for other reasons I feel an intensification of my emotions for her, maybe even attraction. Not really that much of a stretch to imagine a boner.

Posted by daniel | September 18, 2008 3:56 PM
14

1)For Dan's sake, I'm glad that Mr Poe isn't around much anymore...if he heard about that cab/boner thing, you'd see Mr Poe cruising incessantly around the Stranger offices...
2)Boners in cabs isn't that odd. They tend to have bouncy seat springs, (overly bouncy busses do the same thing to me) AND cabs frequently smell like locker rooms which makes you think of naked men which causes the boner.

Posted by michael strangeways | September 18, 2008 4:03 PM
15

My boyfriend has one at least 50% of the time he is awake. At least. All kinds of random things cause it.

Posted by Mikki | September 18, 2008 4:57 PM
16

I'm wondering why this person's first instinct after learning about hubby's cry-boners was "I'll ask Dan Savage!" instead of "You're supposed to get a boner when you touch me, now stop being such an unsupportive bastard!"

Posted by iflurry | September 18, 2008 5:03 PM
17

Did you really write "tell him that you’re not going to hold those erections against him"?

Posted by seattle mike | September 18, 2008 5:12 PM
18

... and have him read some of ECB's posts, instant boner-killers

Posted by seatard | September 18, 2008 5:39 PM
19

I'm a little suspicious of any fellow who rejects physical contact with his wife when he's aroused.

Posted by Fnarf | September 18, 2008 5:59 PM
20

I find sex to be very comforting. Personally.

Posted by violet_dagrinder | September 18, 2008 8:00 PM
21

I get boners in department stores when I'm bored.

Posted by Catman | September 18, 2008 10:57 PM

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