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Friday, September 12, 2008

Rx for Election Anxiety Disorder

posted by on September 12 at 8:20 AM

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I’ve mentioned a couple of times lately that acute cases of election anxiety seem to be on the rise among Democrats. I’ve been doing my personal best to play election therapist to friends, co-workers, and all the random acquaintances who’ve asked me to help calm them down since the Republican National Convention. But I realized this week there’s more I can do.

In that spirit, a work of public service health journalism:

Is this YOU?

You’re a Democrat. You call yourself a liberal, and you’re not ashamed.

All through the spring and summer you felt hopeful. It was an emotion you’d lost contact with over the last eight years, and it was fantastic to feel it again. Your man was doing well. He was going to win the election in a walk…

But now you’re increasingly feeling anxious. You can’t concentrate. You can’t manage anything close to the euphoria of January and February, nor can you summon the optimism of June, July, and August. Ever since the Republican National Convention, ever since Sarah Palin, a gnawing dread has been lying just below the surface of your every interaction. Sometimes you can’t keep it bottled up. Sometimes you snap—at the screen, at your friends, at your family.

What you feel these days is that it’s happening all over again: the lies from the right, the successful pandering to the evangelical Christians, the sinking poll numbers for the Democratic ticket…

You wonder if you’re suffering from some sort of post-traumatic stress disorder. You find yourself thinking ominously of how they stole the election from Al Gore in 2000. You have flashbacks to that heartbreaking, alienating moment in 2004 when you realized John Kerry was going to lose, too. You can’t stop worrying. But you also can’t stop following the events that are terrifying you. Your life is an endless circle: read the news, worry, talk to friends who are worried, get even more worried because they are worried, repeat.

If this is you, help is available. It’s time for a pharmaceutical intervention.

Thankfully, several new mood-stabilizing drugs have been developed for this particular condition, Election Anxiety Disorder. Read through the following offerings and then ask your doctor which one is right for you.

Click here for the pharmaceutical catalog, available in helpful text and slide-show formats. A sampling:

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PALIUM

Recommended dosage: 5 mg per day until November 4. Except for October 2, the day of the vice-presidential debate—on that day, the recommended dosage is 50 mg. Take with alcohol as necessary.

Effects: Induces a Valium-like calm with respect to all things Sarah Palin and predisposes the mind to recall that she has only been on the national stage a few minutes and yet already has a pattern of political falsehoods, a knocked-up daughter pressed into a shotgun relationship, a cadre of small-town enemies crawling out of her closet, and an abuse-of-power investigation in her home state that’s being run, helpfully, by a Democrat. While on Palinium, you will be soothed by repeated waves of placidity and feel certain that all of these Palin vulnerabilities will somehow lead to a Republican-ticket implosion within the next few weeks.

Possible side effects: Delayed ejaculation, loss of lingering resentment toward Hillary Clinton, desire to join the Alaskan Independence Party.

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AFRODIAZEPINE

Recommended dosage: 15 mg daily, half dosage if some of your best friends are black. Consult with your physician before taking Afrodiazepine if you are black.

Effects: Also known as the “Black people will save us!” pill, Afrodiazepine focuses the mind on the record-shattering African-American turnout that helped Barack Obama win during the Democratic primaries. This drug fosters deep belief in the turnout-altering nature of Obama’s historic candidacy and helps with absorption of related numbers and percentages, such as the fact that Ohio, which Kerry narrowly lost to Bush in 2004, could easily go for Obama this time around if he wins 95 percent of the state’s black vote (a not unlikely scenario based on Obama’s performance in the Democratic primaries, when his take of African-American voters was well above 90 percent in several states).

Possible side effects: Tourette’s-like shouting of “Black people will save us!” at inappropriate moments, awkward attempts to acquire black friends.

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JEWBUTRIN

Recommended dosage: Eighteen pills (a lucky number in Jewish lore), or any multiple of 18 pills, weekly. Do not take with milk and meat.

Effects: Stimulates the profound sense that elderly Jewish voters, particularly in Florida, have long since gotten over all those e-mails about Barack Obama being a Muslim and are now spending all of their time—between canasta and mah-jongg games—forwarding around e-mails that talk about how Sarah Palin’s pastor is tight with the founder of Jews for Jesus, how Palin was in church the day this Jews for Jesus putz came as a guest speaker and said that terrorist attacks in Israel were God’s punishment for Jews rejecting Christianity, how on top of all this Palin is an evangelical Christian, and how Jews are generally creeped out by evangelical Christians, what with their tendency to fawn over the Jews because they supposedly can help bring about the rapture (at which point the Jews, their utility over with, will be left behind and suffer eternal damnation).

Possible side effects: Appearance of speaking in tongues—although this is usually only Yiddish, which is harmless.

Other available treatments include Virginiacodone, Pollzac, Bradley Effexor, Joeloft, Emmigratol, Internetsapro, and Electro-College Shock Therapy.

Don’t wait until it’s too late.

RSS icon Comments

1

There's an alternative therapy out there.

It's called being part of the solution. Being active. Facing the scaredy thing that bothers you.

So in additiona to taking drugs and fretting, why not do the following:

1. Gt on the hpone right now to plan your one week trip to OH MI CO NV VA other swing states to volunteer for Obama.

The notion out of state volutneers don't work was a myth; Obama is importing MASS volutneers into NH. Just don't wear orange hats. If you don't fit in locally, go to the campaign office and do data entry.

We should have TONS of Seattle OBama fans who can go help speed up computers and help folks with their databases, etc.

3. Make a donation. Keep making donations until you are maxed out aat $2300. Even if you just give $10 a day, this will help.

4. If you already maxed out stop being a douchebag and send something in to Hillary. The traditional game is the maxed out donors of the winner give to the loser and this prompts the maxed out donors of the loser to gie to the winner. If you gave $2300 I am sure you can handle the de facto nature of this transaction....voila, it's really another donation to Obama.

5. Talk to your friends and relatives in the swing states.

WARNING: but instead of talking about Palin's babies, her guns, her positions, or indeed anything about Palin, or hope or change or unicorns, or about how horrible the Clintons are, or how insane this blogger PC is, or about how great it is that Barack talked up detainee rights in Michigan recently, shut up about everything except this:

OBama will make their lives better because he will give them:

--an immedaite tax cut
(just leave out that detail this is not true for 5%; just say he is for a tax cut. HE is. Why the distracting details?)
--he will end taxes for seniors making less than about 50K.
He will invest in green economy to help us be competitive in the future
--he will get you health care and brind down health costs for everytone
--we are in a changing worldd with terrorism, climage change, China and India and the old policies mean you the listener will suffer more just like you've suffered the last 8 years.

Sorry to be verbose but this post, like the whole attitude here, is that this election is a spectator sport. The truth is the power is in you to make this change happen. Instead of standing by passively, you could, you know, get off your ass and take responsibility and make the change happen.

If you actually want to do that, that is. Instead of just enjoying the bubblefun and taking drugs.

And one more thing. Just heard the latest OBama ad is about McCain being old and not knowing computers.

When is he fucking going to make this election about THE VOTERS and THEIR FUTURES? It's the economy stupid. HE and you ought go read that article about what Clinton told Obama it's at the top of the list in real clear politics. One of the lessons is to make the election about....THE VOTERS.

Unity y'all--

Posted by PC | September 12, 2008 7:42 AM
2

Or you could just watch Charlie Gibson "interview" the self-described PitBull-in-Lipstick about foreign affairs. It's free--you don't even need cable.

Posted by Andy Niable | September 12, 2008 8:02 AM
3

Hey, SusanUnPC, I was thinking we could begin reviewing your record here on the Slog. You post a rant every day, and within days usually, it is proven wrong by events. Again and again, you get it wrong, yet you don't seem to be aware of how incompetent you are. This could be a learning experience for you. Want to play?

Posted by elenchos | September 12, 2008 8:16 AM
4

I need some Jewbutrin immediately.

Posted by Carollani | September 12, 2008 8:20 AM
5

I'll have a large order of Pollzac for daily use, and some Palium for back-up.

@Elenchos -- We'll try to find some Trolloseptic as well! Hang in!

Posted by It's Mark Mitchell | September 12, 2008 8:28 AM
6

I love this.

Posted by Billy the Cid | September 12, 2008 8:42 AM
7

Or you could take part of your drinks-and-marijuana budget for the next month and instead give it to the Obama campaign. It couldn't hurt.

Posted by flamingbanjo | September 12, 2008 8:46 AM
8

#3, speaking of proving things, why don't you prove that PC is SusanUnPC?

Oh that's right, you can't.

Posted by w7ngman | September 12, 2008 9:08 AM
9

@1

"It's called being part of the solution. Being active. Facing the scaredy thing that bothers you."

You're not right about a lot of things, but I'll give you this one. I'm really tired of all the defeatism and negativity here. Between Dan, Eli, and a number of regular commenters, it seems like the Slog is almost rooting for Obama to lose. If all the cynics were actually out there doing something to help Obama win the election, they wouldn't have time to sit around and bitch, would they?

Posted by Hernandez | September 12, 2008 9:23 AM
10

There is much more to be done than fret poll numbers and read/write blogs. I'm keeping a blog and trying to get into Camp Obama. You should, too.

Posted by snark | September 12, 2008 9:39 AM
11

@9: I'm with you. Quit whining, Stranger boys. We got here on believing that things were possible- let's go back to that positivity. No good comes out of acting like we've lost already. Stop. Being. Lame.

Posted by Abby | September 12, 2008 10:07 AM
12

I don't see this post as whining. He's just joking around about the pills; after all, they're not real...the whole point of the post is to help those with election anxiety by reminding them of uncertainties and probabilities on Obama's side that we've been forgetting since the Pit Bull joined Old and Saggy. It actually helped some of my tension and made me laugh, which has been in short supply lately.

@1, is it really necessary to post something that's just as damn long as the article itself?

Posted by Leslie N. | September 12, 2008 10:20 AM
13

@12: I mean in general, not so much this specific post. (This one is actually much more fun.) People have been whining and wringing their hands way too much- if we spend these weeks acting like that, then yeah, we're in for a fall.

And don't pay attention to PC, its long rants are a constant thorn in the side of Slog comment threads.

Posted by Abby | September 12, 2008 10:27 AM
14

@1 - Wow, I'd have to say that's pretty spot on, is this an appearance of the non-sock puppet PC?

Personally I'm not too worried about the outcome of this election. While I think it's important that we get somebody like Obama in there to fix things, I also realize that, like Dan said, he's going to eat a huge shit sandwich in the form of all the massive problems that Bush created. Shitty economy, Slowly imploding credit market, crappy educational system, pointless unwinable war that costs way more money than we have to spend. Let the republicans have that platter if they want it, it's their loss. Meanwhile we'll be ready with Obama in 2012 with some real hope.

Posted by Super Jesse | September 12, 2008 10:39 AM
15

@ 13, oh well...in general, yes. I agree with you. They seem like they're advocating learned helplessness and I was never a fan of "Shock the Puppy".

Posted by Leslie N. | September 12, 2008 10:43 AM
16

I was talking to my (black - not that it matters) next-door neighbor last night about my election anxiety, and he said: "Oh, I don't care about any of that crap. Whatever's going to happen is going to happen." LISTEN UP: Everyone should attempt to locate a person who has a simliar attitude (and Obama leanings) get them registered to vote and DRAG them to the polls on November 4. Use bribery if necessary. I may very well fuck my next-door neighbor for my country.

Posted by Cat in Chicago | September 12, 2008 10:51 AM
17

We won't support spine-less NO-Bama and will re-defeat him in November !! Go Hillary 2012 !!!

Posted by clintonsarmy | September 12, 2008 10:52 AM
18

@8

What difference does that make? How about if I call her LyingFuckingCunt instead?

Posted by elenchos | September 12, 2008 11:05 AM
19

I just had a shot of Nomo'McCain, and I feel fine.

Posted by inkweary | September 12, 2008 11:48 AM
20

Have you ever been ripped a new asshole in Yiddish? No, it's not harmless at all. I'm still dripping schmaltz from kishkes.

Posted by jm | September 12, 2008 1:28 PM
21

Liberals are Patriots and Islam is a religion of Peace. Step aside right-wing trash, this is OUR time! Obama/Biden (forever)

Posted by jojo | September 12, 2008 3:17 PM
22

The link below is a video of an actual abortion. It is graphic, brutal, and if you watch it, hopefully life-changing.


www.abortionno.org


After you watch it, know that this is what Barack Obama supports.


McCain/Palin '08

Posted by MWH | September 13, 2008 7:12 AM
23

re MWH - Nuclear war (and war with Russia) is what the death-merchants of McainPalin support. Just so they can enrich their friends in the war business. THE SUPPORT INTENTIONAL DEATH of innocent children & families - and maybe, YOUR family as well. They've got underground bunkers, they'll be quite FINE, you know. It's YOU who are expendable. Nobody wants an abortion, Obama is clearly for birth control and for stopping unwanted pregnancies. But the McCain/Palin crowd DOES want war - lots and lots of war. THEY won't be fighting, of course. They'll be killing us, and killing innocent people all over the world, for MONEY. If you are against killing (and if you call abortion 'killing', then that is your view)- then you cannot vote for EITHER person. ESPECIALLY for McCain, who is a bonafide killer, and for Palin, who wants a NICE BIG NUCLEAR WAR so she can have her "rapture" in AK. They are both totally CRAZY and will probably destroy half the world (for profit) and should be hospitalized, not elected.

Posted by terry | September 14, 2008 7:52 AM

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