2008 Rx for Election Anxiety Disorder
posted by September 12 at 8:20 AMon
I’ve mentioned a couple of times lately that acute cases of election anxiety seem to be on the rise among Democrats. I’ve been doing my personal best to play election therapist to friends, co-workers, and all the random acquaintances who’ve asked me to help calm them down since the Republican National Convention. But I realized this week there’s more I can do.
In that spirit, a work of public service health journalism:
Is this YOU?
You’re a Democrat. You call yourself a liberal, and you’re not ashamed.
All through the spring and summer you felt hopeful. It was an emotion you’d lost contact with over the last eight years, and it was fantastic to feel it again. Your man was doing well. He was going to win the election in a walk…
But now you’re increasingly feeling anxious. You can’t concentrate. You can’t manage anything close to the euphoria of January and February, nor can you summon the optimism of June, July, and August. Ever since the Republican National Convention, ever since Sarah Palin, a gnawing dread has been lying just below the surface of your every interaction. Sometimes you can’t keep it bottled up. Sometimes you snap—at the screen, at your friends, at your family.
What you feel these days is that it’s happening all over again: the lies from the right, the successful pandering to the evangelical Christians, the sinking poll numbers for the Democratic ticket…
You wonder if you’re suffering from some sort of post-traumatic stress disorder. You find yourself thinking ominously of how they stole the election from Al Gore in 2000. You have flashbacks to that heartbreaking, alienating moment in 2004 when you realized John Kerry was going to lose, too. You can’t stop worrying. But you also can’t stop following the events that are terrifying you. Your life is an endless circle: read the news, worry, talk to friends who are worried, get even more worried because they are worried, repeat.
If this is you, help is available. It’s time for a pharmaceutical intervention.
Thankfully, several new mood-stabilizing drugs have been developed for this particular condition, Election Anxiety Disorder. Read through the following offerings and then ask your doctor which one is right for you.
Click here for the pharmaceutical catalog, available in helpful text and slide-show formats. A sampling:
Recommended dosage: 5 mg per day until November 4. Except for October 2, the day of the vice-presidential debate—on that day, the recommended dosage is 50 mg. Take with alcohol as necessary.
Effects: Induces a Valium-like calm with respect to all things Sarah Palin and predisposes the mind to recall that she has only been on the national stage a few minutes and yet already has a pattern of political falsehoods, a knocked-up daughter pressed into a shotgun relationship, a cadre of small-town enemies crawling out of her closet, and an abuse-of-power investigation in her home state that’s being run, helpfully, by a Democrat. While on Palinium, you will be soothed by repeated waves of placidity and feel certain that all of these Palin vulnerabilities will somehow lead to a Republican-ticket implosion within the next few weeks.
Possible side effects: Delayed ejaculation, loss of lingering resentment toward Hillary Clinton, desire to join the Alaskan Independence Party.
Recommended dosage: 15 mg daily, half dosage if some of your best friends are black. Consult with your physician before taking Afrodiazepine if you are black.
Effects: Also known as the “Black people will save us!” pill, Afrodiazepine focuses the mind on the record-shattering African-American turnout that helped Barack Obama win during the Democratic primaries. This drug fosters deep belief in the turnout-altering nature of Obama’s historic candidacy and helps with absorption of related numbers and percentages, such as the fact that Ohio, which Kerry narrowly lost to Bush in 2004, could easily go for Obama this time around if he wins 95 percent of the state’s black vote (a not unlikely scenario based on Obama’s performance in the Democratic primaries, when his take of African-American voters was well above 90 percent in several states).
Possible side effects: Tourette’s-like shouting of “Black people will save us!” at inappropriate moments, awkward attempts to acquire black friends.
Recommended dosage: Eighteen pills (a lucky number in Jewish lore), or any multiple of 18 pills, weekly. Do not take with milk and meat.
Effects: Stimulates the profound sense that elderly Jewish voters, particularly in Florida, have long since gotten over all those e-mails about Barack Obama being a Muslim and are now spending all of their time—between canasta and mah-jongg games—forwarding around e-mails that talk about how Sarah Palin’s pastor is tight with the founder of Jews for Jesus, how Palin was in church the day this Jews for Jesus putz came as a guest speaker and said that terrorist attacks in Israel were God’s punishment for Jews rejecting Christianity, how on top of all this Palin is an evangelical Christian, and how Jews are generally creeped out by evangelical Christians, what with their tendency to fawn over the Jews because they supposedly can help bring about the rapture (at which point the Jews, their utility over with, will be left behind and suffer eternal damnation).
Possible side effects: Appearance of speaking in tongues—although this is usually only Yiddish, which is harmless.
Other available treatments include Virginiacodone, Pollzac, Bradley Effexor, Joeloft, Emmigratol, Internetsapro, and Electro-College Shock Therapy.
Don’t wait until it’s too late.