Slog

If you have not read this Very Special Presidential-Debate Installment of I Love Television™, you are not ready for tonight’s debate, much less the rest of your day/life. An excerpt:

THE HANDSHAKE

The opening handshake is incredibly important, because this is where the candidate must indicate dominance. Without pausing, race to the middle of the stage, grab your opponent’s hand, and, with your other hand, firmly grasp his elbow. Smile broadly, squeeze the shit out of his arm, and whisper in his ear, “You my bitch, right? Say you my bitch. That’s right, bitch… I’m gonna make you cry like a little bitch, bitch.” Then let go, smile and wave at your audience, and take your place behind the podium.

That’s if you’re Sarah Palin.

However, if you’re Barack Obama you should definitely go for the high five. Why? Because of his war injuries, John McCain CAN’T RAISE HIS ARMS! And when he doesn’t return the high five, Barack can be like, “Fine… leave me hanging, jerk!”

You may especially enjoy the section on the efficacy of pantsing as a debate tactic. Thank you, Wm.™ Steven Humphrey.

ALSO! Watch the debate with your live-Slogging, drink-swilling host Dan Savage right here, starting at 5:30 p.m.!

^{Also! I would like to predict right now that the vice-presidential debate will never happen, even if the GOP has to manufacture a hurricane to prevent it!}