Reaction to my advice for “Wanna Want More,” the woman whose boyfriend wants it four times a week while she only wants it once a week, continues to pour in. I advised WWM to fuck the shit out of her boyfriend once a week and “keep him milked” two or three times a week—basically, take ten minutes three times a week to help him rub one out, thereby keeping his balls drained and him content, and who knows? Maybe her libido will kick into gear now and then during these low-stakes, get-him-off sessions. You can read the whole thing here. Four reader responses after the jump…

I usually like your advice. Or even if I don’t always like it, I rarely get irritated by it. But this time, you really put your foot in your mouth.

I refer to the letter from “Wanna Want More,” whose boyfriend’s libido outpaces hers by a lot. Your advice was to not try and reach a compromise of, say, four times per week, because you think that will end up making her feel resentful and she’ll abandon the attempt and her boyfriend will be unhappy and unfulfilled, but for her to agree to keep him “well and thoroughly milked” not by having sex, but by letting him go down on her and giving him hand jobs or watching him jerk off.

Did you remember that the writer’s problem was a low libido? Do you remember what that means: a low desire to have or engage in sex. Aren’t these sex acts? I’m surprised at you. So oral and mutual masturbation and stroking someone else to orgasm don’t count as sex, do they? Does a penis have to go in and out of a vagina for the act to qualify as sex? I guess that leaves all the gay people out. As you’re so fond of pointing out to all the Christians who are saving themselves for marriage, staying pure, and yet fingering each other, giving head, even having anal sex: they are hypocrites or liars: sex is sex. How can you tell this woman that she shouldn’t have to have sex; she should just “treat him to a hand job while [she] rub[s her] tits in his face.”

It’s sex. You know it is. It’s not just that her boyfriend needs to be “milked”—what is he, for fuck’s sake, a Jersey cow?—because you well know that if he just needed to “keep his balls drained” he could take care of that on his own. No; what he wants—and it seems like a reasonable request—is that his girlfriend want to have sex with him more than once a week.

Do you really think any woman who doesn’t want to have sex more often than once a week with a man she says is sweet and whom she loves, is going to happily “plop [her] twat down on his face and let him eat [her] out while he beats off”? You tell her it will only take ten minutes, as if you’re offering suggestions for dealing with a trip to the dentist. And furthermore, your solution is supposed to be employed week after week, indefinitely. How long do you think a woman who cries when her boyfriend tells her he needs sex more than once a week is going to put up with acting like a disaffected sex worker, joylessly pulling away on her john’s dick?

And this doesn’t even begin to deal with how the boyfriend is going to feel if she approaches each of these “milking” techniques as some horrible chore she has to perform.

NH

Well, you got me. Handjobs, blowjobs, tits-in-your-face—that’s all that is sex, so far as I’m concerned. What it isn’t, however, is too terribly taxing. And while it would be sex—or sexual release—for WWM’s boyfriend, I don’t think, under the circumstances, that it adds up to sex for WWM. What I laid out doesn’t require that much of WWM; it would be understood, going into these milking sessions, that this is enhanced masturbation for the boyfriend, not full-blown sexual intercourse. He’s horny, she’s not. He’s attracted to her. She holds him—or sits on his face, or has him kneel between her legs and allows him to nuzzle her panty-clad crotch—and he rubs one out.

As for treating this like a horrible chore, I did warn WWM thusly: “But you also commit to making sure your boyfriend is thoroughly milked—with your cheerful assistance—three times a week.” So, yeah, I agree that it won’t work if WWM treats it like drudgery.

I guess I don’t see what the big deal is. How often do you hear people say, when discussing the person they love, that they would do anything for that person? Anything at all—walk through fire, take a bullet, die for that person. They would do anything… except help that person beat off. Die for you? Sure! Help you out when you’re feeling horny and need a little intimacy and just want to blow a load? Nope, that’s asking too much.

How fucking sad is that?

I could have written the letter from Wanna Want More, and I think the compromise you suggested is wise in spirit but not actually workable. I know my husband only has two modes—Horny and Not Particularly Horny—but when I don’t feel like sex, I am in a third mode which can charitably be described as Seriously, Stay Out Of My Body Space. Anybody sticking his face anywhere during this time makes me feel invaded and uncomfortable and totally squicked out and turned off; it’s not a GGG-able situation, and in fact I’d much rather just blow the guy and not have to take my clothes off. I’m sure this is somewhere between an unfortunate quirk and a major disorder, but it’s one I share with a lot of women and I bet with WWM, and it means that any off-getting is going to have to involve something less, well, personal.

Also WWM

So give your husband blowjobs when you’re not feeling like being touched, AWWM. I’m pretty sure that’s a compromise he could live with. And who says you have to take your clothes off when you help your husband rub one out? Why not explore a little CFNM?

Thank you for the excellent advice to Wanna Want More. That could have been written by me until about six months ago: I, too, was in my mid-20s with a sexy partner and enjoyed great sex about once a week, though he wanted more. I ended up doing essentially what you said: committed to full weekly intercourse and kept him “thoroughly milked” in between. He was satisfied and, as you theorized, once the pressure was off and we’d experimented with different ways of pleasing each other, I did want him more often.

Worked For Me

Thanks for sharing, WFM.

The advice you gave to Wanna Want More was the best advice I never realized I needed. I wasn’t conscious of how guilty I felt for not having a libido as high as my husband’s. I told him about WWM’s letter, and asked him if he’d like that kind of treatment. He said “Hell, yes.” When he asked for sex, I thought he wanted sex. I had no idea that being a masturbation aid was sufficient. My great sex life just got better.

Kit

You’re welcome, Kit.

Great advice, Dan. And did you know that that’s exactly the same advice Dr. Laura gives women who call into her show with that problem? (Well, it’s usually the women, but occasionally the man.) Her premise, like yours, is smart and it works: take care of your man and you may be surprised how the feelings of horniness magically appear. It also works in gay relationships like ours. We have a “never turn down the offer of sex from your partner” policy, and it is amazing how often one of us realizes—after shooting a load—how horny we were but just didn’t realize it.

Anyway, as a Dr. Laura AND a Savage Love fan, it gives me great pleasure to point out how you and Dr. Laura are on the same page on this one.

RG

Wait—Dr. Laura gives the exact same advice? Holy crap! And last word goes to…

Just wanted to add my voice to the chorus of support on your advice to “Wanna Want More.” You were right on the money! My wife has been offering almost exactly the same “milking” activities you suggested (totally hot, btw) for awhile now, whenever she wasn’t up for full-on sex, but wanted to respond sweetly to my advances. Sadly, I’ve been pushing back on those offers out of guilt/shame, worrying that somehow I was putting her on the spot in a disrespectful way, despite her assurances to the contrary.

What a fool I’ve been! Your advice was a revelation—I finally “got it,” and when I read it aloud to my wife, she was like, “Uh-huh, that’s what I’ve been trying to tell you!” I finally gave myself permission in that moment to recognize that for her, this isn’t disrespectful towards her—on the contrary, it’s psychologically rewarding for her to have such power over me and be such an efficient “milker”—and occasionally leads to more if she gets inspired! She regards it as a happy chore that takes very little of her time, and makes us both happier in the long run. THANK YOU!!!

Another Happy Cow