Chow You’ve Gone Too Far, Hershey’s (Or, Why the Fuck Do They Keep Ruining Good Candy?)
posted by August 29 at 10:00 AMon
For the most part, I’ve felt okay about all the new versions of Hershey Kisses that have bombarded the market the past few years. Plain ol’ (cheap) milk chocolate wasn’t enough for the world, consumers wanted variety. So Hershey’s (as you no doubt noticed) started introducing new flavors of Kisses… dark chocolate, mint, cherry, motherfucking NEW YORK CHEESECAKE.
Some were flops (raspberry and strawberry), some are now a permanent part of the Hershey Kisses family (peanut butter and caramel).
But this season, they’ve gone too far; this season, they’ve introduced Candy Corn Kisses.
They look like candy corn—layers of white, orange, and yellow white chocolate—and they smell like the artificial vanilla lip gloss I wore in sixth grade. They taste like store-bought Betty Crocker frosting, but instead of being creamy, sugary, and delicious (and on top of a cake) it’s in solid, striped form. That’s what makes it wrong. It’s like eating a big chunk of sweetened chemicals. While I was able to stomach one (for the sake of science) co-worker Anthony Hecht spit it out immediately after it touched his tastebuds.
It’s not like this is filling a big hole in the market, either. Candy corn already exists as its own kind of candy. Was it really necessary to make it into a Hershey Kiss? If I wanted to eat candy corn, I’d eat some motherfucking candy corn. This brings nothing new to the table.
They’re available at QFC, should you want to try it. You sick bastard, you.
(While we’re on the subject of candy, did you know they have Pomegranate flavored Tootsie Pops? The pomegranate trend is officially absurd.)