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Friday, August 29, 2008

You’ve Gone Too Far, Hershey’s (Or, Why the Fuck Do They Keep Ruining Good Candy?)

posted by on August 29 at 10:00 AM

candycornkiss.jpg

For the most part, I’ve felt okay about all the new versions of Hershey Kisses that have bombarded the market the past few years. Plain ol’ (cheap) milk chocolate wasn’t enough for the world, consumers wanted variety. So Hershey’s (as you no doubt noticed) started introducing new flavors of Kisses… dark chocolate, mint, cherry, motherfucking NEW YORK CHEESECAKE.

Some were flops (raspberry and strawberry), some are now a permanent part of the Hershey Kisses family (peanut butter and caramel).

But this season, they’ve gone too far; this season, they’ve introduced Candy Corn Kisses.

They look like candy corn—layers of white, orange, and yellow white chocolate—and they smell like the artificial vanilla lip gloss I wore in sixth grade. They taste like store-bought Betty Crocker frosting, but instead of being creamy, sugary, and delicious (and on top of a cake) it’s in solid, striped form. That’s what makes it wrong. It’s like eating a big chunk of sweetened chemicals. While I was able to stomach one (for the sake of science) co-worker Anthony Hecht spit it out immediately after it touched his tastebuds.

It’s not like this is filling a big hole in the market, either. Candy corn already exists as its own kind of candy. Was it really necessary to make it into a Hershey Kiss? If I wanted to eat candy corn, I’d eat some motherfucking candy corn. This brings nothing new to the table.

They’re available at QFC, should you want to try it. You sick bastard, you.

(While we’re on the subject of candy, did you know they have Pomegranate flavored Tootsie Pops? The pomegranate trend is officially absurd.)

RSS icon Comments

1

Jesus ate pomegranates. Or something.

Posted by Mr. Poe | August 28, 2008 4:17 PM
2

So did my grandmother.

Posted by Abby | August 28, 2008 4:21 PM
3

Coming soon: Ašai Jolly Ranchers.

Posted by T | August 28, 2008 4:25 PM
4

i guess you are safe because none of the other flavors are big chunks of sweetened chemicals.

Posted by um | August 28, 2008 4:28 PM
5

So eat 3400 Phinney's Bread and Chocolate instead. Con un traguito de mezcal no tiene madre!

Posted by kinaidos | August 28, 2008 4:28 PM
6

I've always wanted to raise a chicken on candy corn...

Posted by E | August 29, 2008 10:19 AM
7

That vile shit has been around for a while, actually. I had them last year and try to forget the experience. The cherry-filled Hershey kisses, however, are tasty.

Posted by Jennifer in Chicago | August 29, 2008 10:41 AM
8

These repugnant sweats must really haunt your dreams for you to re-posted such a warning. Even so, after I read this post last night I went and bought some out of shear curiosity... it kinda reminded me of disgustingly sweet banana bread; I also noticed one of my molars rotted out afterwards. Good Times.

Posted by UNPAID BLOGGER | August 29, 2008 10:58 AM
9

why is this reposted?

Posted by um | August 29, 2008 11:34 AM
10

Is this coming up every day from now on?

Posted by Fnarf | August 29, 2008 11:55 AM
11

Thank you for trying these for me. They looked so hideous it was like they were challenging me to try them. I stared at the bag for probably 10 minutes for some mention of "chocolate" on them... but there is none.

Posted by Mae | August 29, 2008 11:56 AM
12

Those sound horrid. But, the hot cocoa kisses from last Christmas were really good. I hoarded a bag so I could savor them all year and I am hoping they put them out at Christmas again.

Posted by PopTart | August 29, 2008 3:12 PM

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