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Thursday, August 21, 2008

King of Kings

posted by on August 21 at 17:09 PM

Then the governor’s soldiers took Jesus into the palace and gathered the whole troop around him. They took off his clothes and put a bright red cape on him. They twisted some thorns into a crown, placed it on his head, and put a stick in his right hand. They knelt in front of him and made fun of him by saying, “Long live the king of the Jews!” After they had spit on him, they took the stick and kept hitting him on the head with it. After the soldiers finished making fun of Jesus, they took off the cape and put his own clothes back on him. Then they led him away to crucify him.

It is only here I can see the glory (truth) of Jesus, the moment he is mocked, the moment he is the subject of derision and fun. The soldiers are right to laugh at him. They are not crazy; Jesus is crazy. Like the narrator of Gogol’s short story “Diary of a Madman,” he is the king of nothing. He rode into town on a fucking donkey, and his parents are of the lowest birth. The Messiah was supposed to be a great warrior, not a carpenter. This is a complete joke. Mock him we must.

And for those who believe he is the One, the “King of Kings,” every time you read this passage, do not wish the worst (hell fire, eternal damnation) for (or cast curses on) his mockers. They have every right and reason to humiliate this mouse of a man. Instead see that this is really your king; this is who he really is and nothing more. The contempt and laughter he rightly deserves is also the source of his greatness. You want to renounce real kings—with their palaces, rings, wives, and hounds—and raise and praise this penniless fool who claims to be the creator of the world.

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I bet right about now, Jesus is wishing he had tits made of concrete, which, being absolute, were getting harder and harder til they were impossible.

Posted by An impossible Amanda is hard to find, but absolute | August 21, 2008 5:21 PM

But you know Jesus is a borderline fictional character, right?

Posted by Whitworth Fag | August 21, 2008 5:22 PM

@2 - But you know that Charles is a borderline "writer", right?

Posted by Hen | August 21, 2008 5:32 PM

@2 - "borderline" at best. Actually little to no historical evidence of any such character. And just a side note - the lineages of Jesus in the new testament disqualify him from being King of Isreal anyhow, so according to christianity's own requirements for their messiah, Jesus couldn't have been it. Amazing how this mythology (not to mention Islam and all other major religions) has totally screwed up our world.

Posted by Meinert | August 21, 2008 5:44 PM

I love you Charles.

I am eagerly awaiting my next opportunity to challenge an anti-gay christian who attributes their bigotry to the bible. What about the other 611 commandments, the rules about food and the jewish court? The christian hypocrites take what they want from leviticus, what they need to defend their hate, and ignore the rest of their god's words.

Have you read Asimov's Guide to the Bible?

Posted by Mrs. Jarvie | August 21, 2008 6:24 PM

You'd do well to research etymologies before tossing out unjustified parentheses. And this is the first and last time I'll tell you that profanity is neither cute nor effective---you're only betraying your facile reading.

Which is my real point: your second paragraph unwillingly half-paraphrases Jesus while doing nothing to justify your reading that he "claims to be the creator of the world."

This is your junior year, you must do away with sophomoric flights of empty prose. I look forward to grading your papers over the next year. We'll make a thinker of you yet!


Posted by Your TA | August 21, 2008 6:24 PM

You know what Jesus was, Charles?

A fuckin' POW, that's what!

Posted by NapoleonXIV | August 21, 2008 6:39 PM

I wonder what Marx would think of this?

Posted by Lacan | August 21, 2008 7:35 PM


I imagine Groucho would think of a sharp, witty retort, possibly in the form of a pun.

Chico would of course think of something he could shoot on the piano.

Harpo no doubt would have many thoughts on the subject, but would distill them into a simple honk of a horn.

Posted by COMTE | August 21, 2008 8:47 PM

A gracious stranger to most.

Posted by Userer | August 21, 2008 9:44 PM

where did that come from?

Posted by nos | August 21, 2008 9:55 PM

What? I don't get it. I'm slow. Please explain.

Posted by Slutty Slut | August 21, 2008 10:53 PM

@6 "your second paragraph unwillingly half-paraphrases Jesus" ... How do paragraphs do things willingly or unwillingly? Perhaps you meant "in your second paragraph you unwiTTingly ..." If you are going to patronize Charles by posing as his teacher, shouldn't you get it right?

Or maybe you should just say he sounds like a stoner.

Posted by yuiop | August 22, 2008 1:18 AM


Isn't he some radical, religious insurgent imprisoned at Gitmo?

Maybe, after his trial, acquittal and subsequent re-incarceration some of his friends may record his teachings about life for future generations to read and ponder.

As the years pass what will remain of the faded stain on parchment, what words will still be passed from mouth to ear?

What will future generations imagine when they hear those dark and wicked tales about the indelible stain that formed upon a young nation's soul? How will the story ebb and flow as it winds its way, twisting and turning, through the minds of each successive generation? Will the tale turn upon itself and the jailer be hailed a hero and the martyr become a thief?

Out, damned spot!

Why bury your head in a lifeless, musty old book when the opportunities abound all around you to drown in shallow truth, choke on painful irony and wallow in the stench of life?

If an artist may be known through his work, why do you not study the grass beneath your feet and see what you may yet come to know?

Posted by yawp | August 22, 2008 4:16 AM

Meinert is wrong about the historical evidence for Jesus. There are at least 4 contemporary accounts of his life, the gospels. Much that we accept as a fact in ancient history has less evidence than that. I don't say this as a christian but as someone who studies ancient history.

Posted by Mike | August 22, 2008 5:51 AM

Mocking the morons who believe this crap is o.k. though. We still see these self proclaimed "holy men" today. They want all the control and money and power over others who are ignorant enough to believe all this messiah non-sense. What's worse yet is the followers who are so miserable being sheep that they have to force this on others. And you know how they've tortured and murdered Jews over the last two thousand years. It's because Jesus was a Jew. They persecute gays because Jesus was gay. Clearly. Which is the best thing I could say about him. Otherwise, a clear view of history shows Jesus has caused unimaginable misery for countless people. In fact what he alledgedly suffered is nothing compared to the horrors his followers have visited on other innocents.

Posted by Vince | August 22, 2008 6:32 AM

@16- but a large body of literature hasn't been dedicated to any of the other holy men.
@15- so I could write about a green spaghetti monster, and if its corroborated by a few other accounts across the world in a hundred yrs then it will be a historical fact?

Posted by truth or hair | August 22, 2008 8:34 AM

You are so right about me. I came into a world that was expecting a conquering hero on a mighty steed and instead gave them a nameless carpenter who was mocked, crucified and whose name has been used to destroy countless lives, peoples and cultures.
You speak the truth. I have nothing to offer but to fall at your feet, in humblest awe and wash them.
You speak such truth.

Posted by SonofMan | August 22, 2008 8:46 AM

@15: As ridiculous as Charles makes himself out to be here and always, you're wrong on this. The gospels were four among many, two are based on the same text, and all were selected in the third century. They acquired their current names some time in the second century.

Even if you ignored all of these historical facts (readily acknowledged by early Church fathers), only half are reportedly written by actual disciples (Matthew and John). Luke was Paul's personal physician (and so two degrees removed from the 12) and Mark was a chum of Peter's in Rome.

@8: Marx would think it was an utter waste of time. And most people here agree.

Posted by eric sic | August 22, 2008 9:07 AM

wouldn't a carpenter be the god of socialist working regimes?

Posted by Bellevue Ave | August 22, 2008 9:34 AM

this makes no sense

Posted by sir jorge | August 22, 2008 10:13 AM

Consequently, to get rid of the report, Nero fastened the guilt and inflicted the most exquisite tortures on a class hated for their abominations, called Christians by the populace. Christus, from whom the name had its origin, suffered the extreme penalty during the reign of Tiberius at the hands of one of our procurators, Pontius Pilatus, and a most mischievous superstition, thus checked for the moment, again broke out not only in Judaea, the first source of the evil, but even in Rome, where all things hideous and shameful from every part of the world find their centre and become popular. Accordingly, an arrest was first made of all who pleaded guilty; then, upon their information, an immense multitude was convicted, not so much of the crime of firing the city, as of hatred against mankind. Mockery of every sort was added to their deaths. Covered with the skins of beasts, they were torn by dogs and perished, or were nailed to crosses, or were doomed to the flames and burnt, to serve as a nightly illumination, when daylight had expired.

Posted by Tacitus | August 22, 2008 12:20 PM

@22 And the tortures and misery's visited upon everyone else by "Christians" has been a million times worse than that visited against them by Nero. So you can stop carping about how wonderful your martyrs are. Many other people suffered at the hands of Nero. You big cry babies.

Posted by Vince | August 22, 2008 12:31 PM

If you give fear only in its rightful place, a simple warning that you are at the edge of your knowledge and in need of learning, and you dispel the vast ignorance with the unyielding pursuit of knowledge, would you still need God, Jesus or other masters, deities?

What masks and crutches would you have need to craft then, little mimicking, tool monkey?

Posted by yawp | August 22, 2008 3:20 PM

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