Slog - Comments on Savage Love Letter of the Day http://slog.thestranger.com/2008/08/savage_love_letter_of_the_day_45 You've helped before, so I'm putting before you the doozy of a problem that's cropped up recently in my love life—in my life in general, actually: I'm a middle-aged guy, and my boyfriend has just left his teens. We originally got to know each other because I like to tie up muscular young guys and he's a muscular young guy who likes getting tied up. But he's a smart, funny, original kid, and after a few months, we started actually LIKING each other. Not to get all mushy on you, but at some point that like turned to love. We... Copyright 2008 Fri, 29 Aug 2008 14:09:36 -0800 Sun, 31 Aug 2008 21:43:19 -0800 http://www.movabletype.org/?v=3.34 http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss Comment by Charm Wow. That was great. You are so amazing. Seriously, you are the only man I would ever consider having a sex change for. but you're already taken *sigh*

]]> Charm http://slog.thestranger.com/2008/08/savage_love_letter_of_the_day_45#c1117329 http://slog.thestranger.com/2008/08/savage_love_letter_of_the_day_45#c1117329 Savage Love Fri, 29 Aug 2008 14:16:30 -0800 Comment by not a lawyer One legal issue: taxes re gifts. He'll want to look into the laws on that - I doubt it's anything too onerous, but he may have to file a letter with the IRS if it's over $12k annually.

]]> not a lawyer http://slog.thestranger.com/2008/08/savage_love_letter_of_the_day_45#c1117334 http://slog.thestranger.com/2008/08/savage_love_letter_of_the_day_45#c1117334 Savage Love Fri, 29 Aug 2008 14:19:09 -0800 Comment by Jubilation T. Cornball Commissioner Savage, it's time to fire up the Poe Signal!!!

He'll have the answer for this gerontophilic inquiry.

]]> Jubilation T. Cornball http://slog.thestranger.com/2008/08/savage_love_letter_of_the_day_45#c1117339 http://slog.thestranger.com/2008/08/savage_love_letter_of_the_day_45#c1117339 Savage Love Fri, 29 Aug 2008 14:24:09 -0800 Comment by Sirkowski Sounds like scam.

]]> Sirkowski http://slog.thestranger.com/2008/08/savage_love_letter_of_the_day_45#c1117351 http://slog.thestranger.com/2008/08/savage_love_letter_of_the_day_45#c1117351 Savage Love Fri, 29 Aug 2008 14:37:24 -0800 Comment by chick commenter Ooh, how Queer as Folk-ish! Intriguing...

]]> chick commenter http://slog.thestranger.com/2008/08/savage_love_letter_of_the_day_45#c1117360 http://slog.thestranger.com/2008/08/savage_love_letter_of_the_day_45#c1117360 Savage Love Fri, 29 Aug 2008 14:41:53 -0800 Comment by keshmeshi If I were the kid, I'd be worried about the relationship ending before I'm done with school. Of course, living with homophobic parents who are also constantly berating him can't be good for his grades.

]]> keshmeshi http://slog.thestranger.com/2008/08/savage_love_letter_of_the_day_45#c1117365 http://slog.thestranger.com/2008/08/savage_love_letter_of_the_day_45#c1117365 Savage Love Fri, 29 Aug 2008 14:47:27 -0800 Comment by mreddiefather The LW is in for a world of hurt. I think its great he's willing and able to help this kid, but I think you're right Dan, the kid is likely to move on at 23ish.

]]> mreddiefather http://slog.thestranger.com/2008/08/savage_love_letter_of_the_day_45#c1117366 http://slog.thestranger.com/2008/08/savage_love_letter_of_the_day_45#c1117366 Savage Love Fri, 29 Aug 2008 14:48:25 -0800 Comment by Vince It's always good to have understandings about what you will and won't do regarding his education. If you commit yourself to something, be clear about what it entails. I had parents like his and I finally had to say goodbye. It helped me grow up. They could never see me or the world in a wider context and it took an emotional toll I could no longer pay.

]]> Vince http://slog.thestranger.com/2008/08/savage_love_letter_of_the_day_45#c1117369 http://slog.thestranger.com/2008/08/savage_love_letter_of_the_day_45#c1117369 Savage Love Fri, 29 Aug 2008 14:51:25 -0800 Comment by Kanye West Holla WE WANT PRE-NUP! WE WANT PRE-NUP!

]]> Kanye West http://slog.thestranger.com/2008/08/savage_love_letter_of_the_day_45#c1117389 http://slog.thestranger.com/2008/08/savage_love_letter_of_the_day_45#c1117389 Savage Love Fri, 29 Aug 2008 15:08:46 -0800 Comment by Cato the Younger Younger This is SOOOO Brian/Justin from QAF. But Brian would have just had the balls never to have asked a middle age sex advise columnist.

]]> Cato the Younger Younger http://slog.thestranger.com/2008/08/savage_love_letter_of_the_day_45#c1117394 http://slog.thestranger.com/2008/08/savage_love_letter_of_the_day_45#c1117394 Savage Love Fri, 29 Aug 2008 15:13:03 -0800 Comment by Megan If the kid is about to go to college, he should be living on-campus, no? Why is taking him in an issue?

LW, I think your intentions are good, but I agree with others that the long term prospects aren't promising. Are you thinking about the whole life-cycle of this, and how to protect yourself emotionally and socially for a few years down the line?

This could all be done kindly and graciously for everyone, (and your money will go a long way towards making that easier), but it'll take a lot of self-awareness and generosity on your part.

]]> Megan http://slog.thestranger.com/2008/08/savage_love_letter_of_the_day_45#c1117398 http://slog.thestranger.com/2008/08/savage_love_letter_of_the_day_45#c1117398 Savage Love Fri, 29 Aug 2008 15:16:33 -0800 Comment by formerly OR Matt Very very very very red flag. You are moving from the role of kinky companion to PARENT! Honestly, I would choose to do either one or the other. The be the kinky companion, or be the adoptive father that he should have.

I don't think doing both is going to be healthy.

]]> formerly OR Matt http://slog.thestranger.com/2008/08/savage_love_letter_of_the_day_45#c1117401 http://slog.thestranger.com/2008/08/savage_love_letter_of_the_day_45#c1117401 Savage Love Fri, 29 Aug 2008 15:20:42 -0800 Comment by Dave @10 - Brian would've fucked the sex columnist.

]]> Dave http://slog.thestranger.com/2008/08/savage_love_letter_of_the_day_45#c1117415 http://slog.thestranger.com/2008/08/savage_love_letter_of_the_day_45#c1117415 Savage Love Fri, 29 Aug 2008 15:52:56 -0800 Comment by Dan Savage The sex columnist would've turned Brian down.

]]> Dan Savage http://slog.thestranger.com/2008/08/savage_love_letter_of_the_day_45#c1117421 http://slog.thestranger.com/2008/08/savage_love_letter_of_the_day_45#c1117421 Savage Love Fri, 29 Aug 2008 15:57:54 -0800 Comment by elise brian kinny & sunshine much

]]> elise http://slog.thestranger.com/2008/08/savage_love_letter_of_the_day_45#c1117422 http://slog.thestranger.com/2008/08/savage_love_letter_of_the_day_45#c1117422 Savage Love Fri, 29 Aug 2008 15:58:08 -0800 Comment by Reverse Polarity What transpires between the young man and his parents will happen no matter what, and there is little older man can do about it. He can be supportive of the younger guy, and not piss off the parents any worse, but he can't fix it or mend fences. That will be up to the asshole parents, mostly.

BTW, does this letter set off any bullshit detectors? It sounds a little too much like fantasy to me.

]]> Reverse Polarity http://slog.thestranger.com/2008/08/savage_love_letter_of_the_day_45#c1117434 http://slog.thestranger.com/2008/08/savage_love_letter_of_the_day_45#c1117434 Savage Love Fri, 29 Aug 2008 16:16:40 -0800 Comment by whatevernevermind @16 On the contrary, it sounds extremely plausible to me. A gay teen into bondage doesn't have a lot of/any options within his own age group and mutual attraction doesn't even have to enter into bondage play.

I know a gay guy who gets regularly tied up by a straight guy because the straight guy is good at it and enjoys tying people up. The straight guy gets to practice what he loves and the gay guy gets to be tied up. Everybody wins.

The idea that a teen would turn to an old pro to tie him up and then fall in love with the one guy in the world who gives him what he needs is not unlikely in the least.

]]> whatevernevermind http://slog.thestranger.com/2008/08/savage_love_letter_of_the_day_45#c1117446 http://slog.thestranger.com/2008/08/savage_love_letter_of_the_day_45#c1117446 Savage Love Fri, 29 Aug 2008 16:33:46 -0800 Comment by Mab Very QAF-ish for sure. But for reals Dan? You'd turn Brian down? Damn, he'd be welcome in my bed any day...

]]> Mab http://slog.thestranger.com/2008/08/savage_love_letter_of_the_day_45#c1117484 http://slog.thestranger.com/2008/08/savage_love_letter_of_the_day_45#c1117484 Savage Love Fri, 29 Aug 2008 17:38:10 -0800 Comment by David Wright Excelent, practical advice.

]]> David Wright http://slog.thestranger.com/2008/08/savage_love_letter_of_the_day_45#c1117492 http://slog.thestranger.com/2008/08/savage_love_letter_of_the_day_45#c1117492 Savage Love Fri, 29 Aug 2008 17:48:16 -0800 Comment by ZWBush Dan I am impressed with your advice once again. If this man cares about his lover, he should do all he can to help. Close minded parents are gonna play that card eventually. But I think that even without marriage there should be some sort of pre-agreement to accompany this large decision/move. At least a big discussion of the possibilities down the road. Anything can happen.

]]> ZWBush http://slog.thestranger.com/2008/08/savage_love_letter_of_the_day_45#c1117587 http://slog.thestranger.com/2008/08/savage_love_letter_of_the_day_45#c1117587 Savage Love Fri, 29 Aug 2008 21:05:36 -0800 Comment by Lohitaksha We are taking the young man at his word, aren't we? no questions asked? no word from the parents?

]]> Lohitaksha http://slog.thestranger.com/2008/08/savage_love_letter_of_the_day_45#c1117632 http://slog.thestranger.com/2008/08/savage_love_letter_of_the_day_45#c1117632 Savage Love Sat, 30 Aug 2008 01:46:28 -0800 Comment by marcus Superb advice. Most older guys wouldn't care enough to take the kid in when the shit hits the fan, much less less pay for his education. Whether they are really in love, or its a mentor/protege who fuck relationship, this kid is very lucky to have a guy who cares so much that it sounds like he would take the boy in even if they were not in love. And Dan's advice about the attitude toward the family is right on the money...if the kid has any awareness, and it sounds like he has lots, then there is no way he will 'blame' the guy for taking in a stray, so to speak. I would be more worried about the emotional damage to the kid caused by his family deciding to just throw him away...he might need some help for that so he doesn't end up blaming himself for their incredible stupidity.

]]> marcus http://slog.thestranger.com/2008/08/savage_love_letter_of_the_day_45#c1117643 http://slog.thestranger.com/2008/08/savage_love_letter_of_the_day_45#c1117643 Savage Love Sat, 30 Aug 2008 05:30:29 -0800 Comment by Drew I think that NTBG should think twice about getting more attached to a kid who is this stupid/devious. His young friend is a member of the tech-savvy youth generation and must know how to hide his porn on his computer well enough to fool his parents. And yet they somehow stumble upon it in a furtive room search. The kid is either a first class idiot or a Machiavellian genius. Either way, I'd be very careful!

]]> Drew http://slog.thestranger.com/2008/08/savage_love_letter_of_the_day_45#c1117659 http://slog.thestranger.com/2008/08/savage_love_letter_of_the_day_45#c1117659 Savage Love Sat, 30 Aug 2008 08:17:09 -0800 Comment by Barky Am I the first of 20-odd posts to suggest tying up the parents and giving it to them Sonny Style?

]]> Barky http://slog.thestranger.com/2008/08/savage_love_letter_of_the_day_45#c1117662 http://slog.thestranger.com/2008/08/savage_love_letter_of_the_day_45#c1117662 Savage Love Sat, 30 Aug 2008 08:30:25 -0800 Comment by ferretrick @18: The biggest suspension of disbelief QAF required was that Gale Harold is all THAT hot (he's cute, but not the stud QAF made him out to be). Also, that someone who treated his friends like Brian Kinney treated Michael and the gang would have real friends.

]]> ferretrick http://slog.thestranger.com/2008/08/savage_love_letter_of_the_day_45#c1117711 http://slog.thestranger.com/2008/08/savage_love_letter_of_the_day_45#c1117711 Savage Love Sat, 30 Aug 2008 11:03:23 -0800 Comment by Mark in Missouri deja vu - of sorts.
I'm a 40+ year old who just told a 20 year old it was time for him to move on - not out of malice but because we were in different places in our life and I didn't want it to end badly (him sneaking around, etc).

So guy. I believe you 100% that you are doing this as a stand up guy. Just be prepared for the day when you realize it does need to end and do the right thing. If you said you'd pay for the edu, then do it. Don't over commit on this one.

Yes, you'll always have affection for him and I can assure you that he'll always have a special spot in his heart for you because of how you helped him in his hour of need.

How do I know? Because I was once that kid and as an adult I had the strength to do the right thing because of how I was handled in my teens.

Go slow and be careful. Above all else remember the Campfire Rule.

]]> Mark in Missouri http://slog.thestranger.com/2008/08/savage_love_letter_of_the_day_45#c1117780 http://slog.thestranger.com/2008/08/savage_love_letter_of_the_day_45#c1117780 Savage Love Sat, 30 Aug 2008 15:02:18 -0800 Comment by Robert I think that the chronology is highly persuasive, but the vast majority of people will only have sympathy and admiration for Pailin for trying to hide her daughter's pregnancy as her own. It has no legs as a political story, even if it shows she has stunningly little regard for honesty.

]]> Robert http://slog.thestranger.com/2008/08/savage_love_letter_of_the_day_45#c1118205 http://slog.thestranger.com/2008/08/savage_love_letter_of_the_day_45#c1118205 Savage Love Sun, 31 Aug 2008 21:43:19 -0800