Homo Reality TV: An Exercise in Gender Confusion!
posted by August 20 at 12:35 PMon
Jesus Christ! If anyone ever accused me of watching “reality TV”, I’d murder them with a salad fork. (And yes, I always seem to have one handy—beware!) There is no greater evil on this earth.
I know, I know! Most of you poor suckers—despite your express wishes and best intentions— have accidentally been sucked in by some soul-sucking reality turd or other. (Blah, blah, blah, Project Runway! Wah, wah wah, American Idol! I don’t want to fucking hear about it!) Some of you are probably suckling, even as we speak, at the poison teat of the wretched reality TV god.
For shame! You people disgust me!
That being completely understood, let me tell you about this reality show.
Alright, “full disclosure” or whatever: let me tell you about this God damn reality show that’s on Logo. The, um, “gay channel”. And if you ever accuse me of watching the “gay channel”—salad fork! SALAD FORK!
Okay, the show is called “Transamerican Love Story.” It’s total shit, but listen! See, there’s this tranny. She’s the star. She’s like the Bachelor, but with hormone injections and a man-made snooch. She’s not so bad. (Kinda looks like Marcia Cross. With a man-made snooch.) Her name, for Christ’s sake, is Calpernia. No kidding! Calpernia!
Anyhoo, Calpernia is being wooed by a bunch of tranny-chasers. They rush around doing stupid “tasks” and she eliminates them for stupid reasons. (The producers really broke the brainpan with this sucker, let me tell you.) The tranny-chasers are mostly a bunch of total douche bags (especially this idiot called, of course, Barry)…except for two of them, who are dreamy as ice creamy. I’d do both of these guys in broad daylight, thank you. One of them is a massively hot yoga instructor from New York City that I can’t seem to find any snatchable pictures of (see him here), and the other is this guy…
…who is called Jim. He is 32 years old. He is in awesome shape. (They show him with no shirt on all the time!) And he was born a bona fide snatch-having woman. Girl. Whatever.
It’s tranny on tranny action, baby, and who saw that coming! Not me, and certainly not poor Calpernia, who is worried now that she might be a hypocrite. Does she have the, um, ovaries to date another transsexual? Ooh! The suspense is crushing!
Well. If she doesn’t, toss that tranny over here. I’d totally hit that shit. Probably.
You heard me.
I’m so confused.