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Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Reality TV: An Exercise in Gender Confusion!

posted by on August 20 at 12:35 PM

Jesus Christ! If anyone ever accused me of watching “reality TV”, I’d murder them with a salad fork. (And yes, I always seem to have one handy—beware!) There is no greater evil on this earth.

I know, I know! Most of you poor suckers—despite your express wishes and best intentions— have accidentally been sucked in by some soul-sucking reality turd or other. (Blah, blah, blah, Project Runway! Wah, wah wah, American Idol! I don’t want to fucking hear about it!) Some of you are probably suckling, even as we speak, at the poison teat of the wretched reality TV god.

For shame! You people disgust me!

That being completely understood, let me tell you about this reality show.

Alright, “full disclosure” or whatever: let me tell you about this God damn reality show that’s on Logo. The, um, “gay channel”. And if you ever accuse me of watching the “gay channel”—salad fork! SALAD FORK!

Okay, the show is called “Transamerican Love Story.” It’s total shit, but listen! See, there’s this tranny. She’s the star. She’s like the Bachelor, but with hormone injections and a man-made snooch. She’s not so bad. (Kinda looks like Marcia Cross. With a man-made snooch.) Her name, for Christ’s sake, is Calpernia. No kidding! Calpernia!


Anyhoo, Calpernia is being wooed by a bunch of tranny-chasers. They rush around doing stupid “tasks” and she eliminates them for stupid reasons. (The producers really broke the brainpan with this sucker, let me tell you.) The tranny-chasers are mostly a bunch of total douche bags (especially this idiot called, of course, Barry)…except for two of them, who are dreamy as ice creamy. I’d do both of these guys in broad daylight, thank you. One of them is a massively hot yoga instructor from New York City that I can’t seem to find any snatchable pictures of (see him here), and the other is this guy…


…who is called Jim. He is 32 years old. He is in awesome shape. (They show him with no shirt on all the time!) And he was born a bona fide snatch-having woman. Girl. Whatever.

Wow. Ta-wist!

It’s tranny on tranny action, baby, and who saw that coming! Not me, and certainly not poor Calpernia, who is worried now that she might be a hypocrite. Does she have the, um, ovaries to date another transsexual? Ooh! The suspense is crushing!

Well. If she doesn’t, toss that tranny over here. I’d totally hit that shit. Probably.


You heard me.

I’m so confused.

RSS icon Comments


Ewww. Nasty. And I hated the few minutes of an episode that I watched.

Posted by Fitz | August 20, 2008 1:02 PM

Hell in a couple of years I will too.

Posted by Mr. Poe | August 20, 2008 1:14 PM

Yeah, Jim's a hottie. But I have to disagree with you on the Yoga instructor.... he looks weird.

Posted by boxofbirds | August 20, 2008 1:18 PM

I take that back, everyone looks terrible in their headshots on the Logo web site, so I can't pass judgment on the yoga instructor.

Posted by boxofbirds | August 20, 2008 1:23 PM

Well, Project Runway was good for three seasons and now it really does suck and not in a good blow job sorta sucking either.

Posted by Cato the Younger Younger | August 20, 2008 1:31 PM

Isn't that the Calpernia whose real-life boyfriend (Barry, a soldier) was killed by a couple of his "buddies" from his unit for being "gay"?

Posted by DanFan | August 20, 2008 1:55 PM

I've watched a couple of these, the first and a few in between, then the last one. It's very predicatable and formula-TV but nonetheless I appreciate that Logo is *trying* to break some barriers.

AND wooo daddy, I'd fuck Jim any day. But I like trans folks and don't feel the need to reassure myself that I'm sexually 100%straight/gay by putting paragraphs of qualifiers around my stating my attraction to a trans person.

Also, @ Dan Fan: yes.

Posted by Dee in SF | August 20, 2008 2:27 PM

Yes, that is in fact the same Calpernia.

Also, Adrian, even bearing in mind your undoubtedly lighthearted intentions, I'm taking you to task for throwing around "tranny" like it ain't no thing.

To make a painfully obvious analogy, I call myself a flaming faggot all the time, as do plenty of my friends, which is fine, because we all happen to BE flaming faggots.

Since you presumably are NOT a transsexual (an assumption bolstered by the various and barely subtextual insults in your post), don't you think it might be a good idea not to call this woman a tranny?

also, if you do end up sexing up Jim, please post pictures.

Posted by Faggot Friend of Trannies | August 20, 2008 2:35 PM

oh, we aren't saying tranny anymore? i didn't get the memo. wow. i once created a hi-fucking-larious sketch character called "Franny The Freaky Tranny." i guess those days are gone forever. huh.

Posted by adrian | August 20, 2008 2:41 PM

The Stranger really needs a transpeep there, as liberal as you all are you dont know squat about us

Posted by Wurm | August 20, 2008 3:01 PM

@10 for the oh so true win.

Posted by Will in Seattle | August 20, 2008 3:07 PM

The fact that she is post-op basically makes this show a non-starter for me. Now if she were pre-op (or even better, non-op), things get a *lot* more interesting. Better yet, add some female suitors to the mix.

Posted by whatever | August 21, 2008 6:11 AM

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