Last week, it was all about Britney Spears. The email spam I got, I mean. (Remember? REMEMBER?! ) But now that zippy genius that invents junk email in the mysterious land where spam is born has abandoned Britney altogether for some reason, and turned his/her hi-larious attentions to, yes, Paris Hilton. The Paris Hilton spam I’m getting is relentless.

And fabulous!

I just checked my spam box, and it is clogged as a coot’s cooter with these Paris-oriented emails, each promising to detail the alleged adventures of our dear Miss Hilton—even though they are nothing but base and common e-trash, and really just hawk V1@gra or something. (I’m not opening one to find out.)

Over the last three days, I have received easily over a hundred of these. I have, below, puzzled the best of them together into something (very) slightly resembling a time line. The alleged and spamy highlights, composed entirely of junk email, I give you below. (And yes, the information is more accurate and entertaining than anything on TMZ. But what the fuck isn’t, right?)

It begins…

(After the jump…)

Paris Hilton Caught Smoking Marijuana Naked with George Bush!

Which of course leads to…

Paris Hilton Sent to Prison—Again!

Which is much more serious than it sounds, apparently, because…

Judge Sets Paris Hilton’s Execution Date!

zOMG! For smoking pot with George Bush? Well, that sounds fair. And if things aren’t bleak enough at this point, we have to drag the damn cat into it…

Paris Hilton’s Pussy Goes Hungry While She’s In Custody!

But don’t despair, hungry kitty!

Paris Hilton Gets Religion in Prison—Saved by Jesus!

What luck! And not just any Jesus! The freaky American Jesus…

Paris Hilton Becomes a Mormon!

Holy Moroni! And apparently the freaky American Jesus called in some favors at the Justice Department, because…

Paris Hilton Leaves Jail, Vows to Return!

Whew! That was close! And, hey! Things are looking up, because….

Paris Hilton Lands Lead in Broadway Musical!

A lead? Fresh off Death Row? Bully for her! (Who says convicts can reassimilate?) But the pressure and the crushing schedule of a Broadway star obviously takes its toll, because…

Paris Hilton is Scared of Going to the Toilet!

Well. Of course she is. And who can blame her? (People poop in those things!) But the bloating and constipation associated with Toilet Terror clearly destroyed her nascent Broadway career, so she made the lateral move…

Paris Hilton Gets Nod to Host Price is Right!

Come on down! Then, suddenly (maybe during the little yodeling man game)…

Paris Hilton Violated by Gypsies!

Holy crap! And those scary Gypsies whammied her ass good, and with the most vile of all Gypsy curses…

Paris Hilton’s Ingrown Toenail is Life Threatening!

Eww—-The terrible Gypsy Toenail Curse! Which she decided to cure through the Power of Christ, of course (regular old non-American version)…

Paris Hilton to Become a Nun!

And then, um…

Paris Hilton Abducted by Aliens!

Who immediately demonstrated their superior intelligence…

Paris Hilton Immediately Returned by Aliens!

Which clearly fucked her up in the head (more), because…

Paris Hilton “Bent Over Backwards for Me” Says Stephen Hawking!

And, um…

Stephen Hawking Defends Paris Hilton Sex Allegations!

And then, well…

Stephen Hawking Denies Paris Hilton Sex Allegations!

(Well. Give him a break. He’s crippled.)

Paris Hilton Discovers Cure for Cancer at Home—in Her Spare Time!

And, then…

Paris Hilton Asks: Has Anyone Seen Mike Hunt?

To which the world, entire, can answer yes. Yes we have, Paris. A lot.

And Paris’s totally cra-zazy weekend was all summed up in the final Paris-related spam email with this one simple truth …

Paris Hilton is Really Just a Piece of Broccoli.

Indeed. I knew it. I totally fucking knew it.

The end!