Election Night Carlyle Promises to Burn Down Private Schools
posted by August 19 at 21:30 PMon
The SECB checks in on another hotly contested state house race…
Reuven Carlyle—seen in the photo above—is running against John “Please Shut Up About the Latte Tax” Burbank for a state house seat from the 36th. Carlyle swears to God that his kids are in public schools, godfuckingdamnit. In fact, Carlyle hates private schools so much that he promises, if elected, to set fire to one private school a month until they’re all DESTROYED!
Carlyle’s primary night party is at a house—his house—in a part of Queen Anne that overlooks Puget Sound. It’s so beautiful up here that the SECB just might weep. All of the houses on the block are beautiful, and there’s a Reuven Carlyle lawn sign in front of each and every one of them. Inside the house about 40-50 Carlyle supporters are eating and drinking and quietly counting their money in their heads. Carlyle mailers sit on a table. “Once in a generation a politician comes along who inspires hope and change,” reads one. Carlyle is shown in a photo standing to the left of Barack Obama. “And one on the right is pretty good too.”
“The Obama movement is not just a cliche, it is not just a fad,” Carlyle tells the SECB in a moment of completely uncalled for candor.
Seattle City councilmember Tim Burgess is here. He says he encouraged Carlyle to run and that he endorsed him because, “He’s the perfect candidate.” By now we’re wondering if Obama will pick Carlyle to be his VP. Or maybe Carlyle is “the one,” a.k.a. the “anti-Christ,” and not Obama.
Speaking of perfection: The SECB strongly feels that Carlyle’s campaign manager, Matthew Gasparich, is a total fucking fox. When Gasparich asked the SECB if whether we have, “a refined taquito palate,” the SECB swooned. The SECB will sample Carlyle’s campaign manager’s taquito anytime, anyplace.
Right now Burbank is ahead by a few points, but Carlyle will be going through to the general election.