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Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Carlyle Promises to Burn Down Private Schools

posted by on August 19 at 21:30 PM

The SECB checks in on another hotly contested state house race…


Reuven Carlyle—seen in the photo above—is running against John “Please Shut Up About the Latte Tax” Burbank for a state house seat from the 36th. Carlyle swears to God that his kids are in public schools, godfuckingdamnit. In fact, Carlyle hates private schools so much that he promises, if elected, to set fire to one private school a month until they’re all DESTROYED!

Carlyle’s primary night party is at a house—his house—in a part of Queen Anne that overlooks Puget Sound. It’s so beautiful up here that the SECB just might weep. All of the houses on the block are beautiful, and there’s a Reuven Carlyle lawn sign in front of each and every one of them. Inside the house about 40-50 Carlyle supporters are eating and drinking and quietly counting their money in their heads. Carlyle mailers sit on a table. “Once in a generation a politician comes along who inspires hope and change,” reads one. Carlyle is shown in a photo standing to the left of Barack Obama. “And one on the right is pretty good too.”

Har har.

“The Obama movement is not just a cliche, it is not just a fad,” Carlyle tells the SECB in a moment of completely uncalled for candor.

Seattle City councilmember Tim Burgess is here. He says he encouraged Carlyle to run and that he endorsed him because, “He’s the perfect candidate.” By now we’re wondering if Obama will pick Carlyle to be his VP. Or maybe Carlyle is “the one,” a.k.a. the “anti-Christ,” and not Obama.

Speaking of perfection: The SECB strongly feels that Carlyle’s campaign manager, Matthew Gasparich, is a total fucking fox. When Gasparich asked the SECB if whether we have, “a refined taquito palate,” the SECB swooned. The SECB will sample Carlyle’s campaign manager’s taquito anytime, anyplace.

Right now Burbank is ahead by a few points, but Carlyle will be going through to the general election.

RSS icon Comments


Come on, don't taunt us. Let's see this hottie.

Posted by leek | August 19, 2008 9:48 PM

All I know is Burbank, when he showed up at my door, was way interested in whether or not my girlfriend graduated from Ballard High or not.

Once she said SAAS, he made sure to repeat that HIS kids were in Ballard High and left shortly thereafter.

Posted by CM | August 19, 2008 9:49 PM

Adrian, that post was gold. You need to cover politics more regularly.

And if the person who wrote this post is not Adrian, please return his brain to him at once.

Posted by Joe M | August 19, 2008 9:50 PM

This post was reported by Dom, snarked by Savage.

Posted by Dan Savage | August 19, 2008 9:58 PM

Latte tax! Fuck. I am still pissed about that shit. Shut up about it? I'm not fucking over it yet. I'm not.

When I am over it, I will say so. Until then, no I will not fucking shut up about it.

Posted by elenchos | August 19, 2008 9:59 PM

I think Dom is foxy!

Posted by Dom Fan | August 19, 2008 10:38 PM

I hope there is a lengthy TV debate between these two. Reuven would demolish John and we could rewatch highlights on YouTube for giggles.

Posted by Zander | August 19, 2008 10:43 PM

Yes, a debate between the two would be welcomed. Burbank ran a slimy primary, get ready for more mud!

Posted by Lloyd Cooney | August 19, 2008 10:59 PM

Hmmm. I would have said that having the No Taxes For Ultra-Rich GOP Party making it through the primary was the bigger deal.

First time they weren't on the General Ballot.

Posted by Will in Seattle | August 20, 2008 1:29 AM

Isn't this guy a Democrat and he is on record bashing Obama? What a fucktard.

Posted by elswinger | August 20, 2008 1:35 AM

I had a run-in with the Carlyle clan Sunday morning on top of Queen Anne Hill outside Noah's Bagels. I say "clan" because the guy and his wife had four or five kids with them. Their two-year-old daughter was impish and darling, and was being totally ignored as she alternated between dancing dangerously close to the street, and pouring out puddles of melty Jamba Juice on the sidewalk to stomp in. His wife was using her fingernails to pick food out of her teeth while perfecting her 1000-yard stare into empty space....

Posted by emcityjill | August 20, 2008 8:25 AM


I'm pretty skeptical of lurkers who crawl out of the woodwork to post trash on the Slog during every election and then disappear when it's over. The message I get when I see posts like yours is that Carlyle has some low life enemies.

Posted by elenchos | August 20, 2008 8:35 AM


On the contrary, Carlyle is a big Obama supporter:

Posted by Lloyd Cooney | August 20, 2008 9:38 AM

Burbank wants to prop up the Viaduct, keeping Seattle's waterfront miserable and drivers in peril for another generation. Carlyle supports actually dealing with the mistake made by that prior generation that built the damned thing in the first place. Plus, I'd vote for anyone who burned down one private school per month.

Posted by Not in 36th | August 20, 2008 9:49 AM

I'd vote for him based solely on his proven ability to focus on the task at hand (his bagel) while ignoring surrounding distractions (adjacent toothpicking and smoothie splattering).

Posted by emcityjill | August 20, 2008 10:29 AM


Now I know you're making it up. Fuck off.

Posted by elenchos | August 20, 2008 11:09 AM

I love you SECB. I'd totally chow down on your taquito anytime!

Posted by Bombastic | August 21, 2008 9:46 AM

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