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Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Maybe Embalming Fluid Burns?

posted by on July 9 at 13:04 PM

First things first: You can now be charged with attempted sexual assault in Wisconsin even if your intended victim is dead. In 2006 three young men tried to dig up a body after seeing a picture of the deceased woman—a twenty-year old looker who died in a motorcycle accident—in a local paper. A lower court ruled that the men could not be charged with attempted sexual assault because the law didn’t mention necrophilia. But the Wisconsin State Supreme Court disagreed with the lower courts, and reinstated attempted sexual assault charges against the three boys.


Oh, the heartland.

Slog tipper Brie noticed an odd detail in the report:

The men went to the cemetery with shovels, a crowbar, a tarpaulin, and a box of condoms, which the men had purchased that evening on their way to the cemetery.

Why condoms, Brie asks? Considering how few young men seem to think they need to use condoms with living, breathing, ovulating women, it seems odd that these young men would think to purchase a box of condoms on the way to a cemetery. Perhaps these boys know something about embalming fluid that we don’t—maybe it burns?—or maybe they were worried about catching the mother of all cooties. Details will, presumably, come out during the trial, so we’ll be staying tuned to WISC-TV for complete coverage.

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What. The. Hell.

Posted by Balt-O-Matt | July 9, 2008 1:10 PM

What picture did they see? (Could be worth it, you never know)

Posted by karst | July 9, 2008 1:14 PM

Wow. You've got to be pretty desperate to get laid if you have to start digging people up.

Posted by Mike | July 9, 2008 1:14 PM


Not that I'm advocating this, but it probably isn't desperation.

For one thing, I'm guessing they had some sort of paraphilia. I doubt a dead girl is a great substitute for a living, breathing one (even if the living one just lies motionless on her back).

For another, a shovel and a box of condoms is cheaper than a dinner and a movie.

Posted by Dan | July 9, 2008 1:18 PM

Haven't you seen the "Evil Dead" series? Would you want to be remembered as the guy who's penis was possessed by a demon, and then ran around the countryside on a killing spree after being hacked off with a meat cleaver?

If you don't want to be the guy walking around with a shotgun strapped to your bloody stump of a penis, use a condom.

Posted by eclexia | July 9, 2008 1:19 PM

This handy website not only has pictures of object of their affection, but tells you how to find her grave!


Posted by Mike | July 9, 2008 1:24 PM

I think it's just an excuse to keep these guys out of society.

Which I have no. problem. with.

Posted by Marty | July 9, 2008 1:25 PM

There's no guarantee they would have gone through with it had they actually managed to get the body out of the ground; this sounds more like a case of failure to think your brilliant plan through. Stupid kids.

Posted by Banna | July 9, 2008 1:26 PM

Interestingly, one of these guys is the son of a Methodist minister. Which raises the obvious question:

Was he a Youth Pastor?

Posted by Mike | July 9, 2008 1:27 PM

Yeah, maybe they thought that condoms would protect them from someone matching their DNA to evidence left at the scene. I mean, they thought a dead chick was GGG, so I wouldn't put it past them.

Posted by Ziggity | July 9, 2008 1:30 PM

The condoms were to prevent leaving DNA behind. Come on Dan, think like a corpse-fucker!

Posted by T | July 9, 2008 1:30 PM

So apparently, it's also legal to name the (currently unliving) victim of an attempted, um, rape (?) in the news media, as opposed to that of a living victim?

Posted by hmmm | July 9, 2008 1:32 PM

@11: Condoms wouldn't prevent the friction that even the most frigid sex entails. They'd be leaving hair and sweat all over the place.

Posted by Ziggity | July 9, 2008 1:33 PM

Just condoms? I would guess that sex with the dead would require lube, as well.

Posted by Fawxer | July 9, 2008 1:39 PM

@12 - um, ok.

I blame the Pretzeldent.

Posted by Will in Seattle | July 9, 2008 1:40 PM

oh, those wacky Grunke boys...

Posted by michael strangeways | July 9, 2008 1:49 PM

Weekend at Bernie's homage for Hump!. Duh.

Posted by jackie treehorn | July 9, 2008 1:50 PM

I think I need to take a break from humanity for a while...

I mean, really! Fucking a corpse? Can't people just beat off for christ's sake?

Posted by Mike in MO | July 9, 2008 1:53 PM

At least munging wasn't in their plans. I hope.

Posted by laterite | July 9, 2008 1:54 PM

Haven't seen that NEWS3 logo since I moved from Madison last summer. :-(

Posted by Justin | July 9, 2008 2:02 PM

I'm not familiar with journalistic ethics, so please accept this question in the mode of pure inquiry: why identify these three by name and picture? I can see how showing pics of youth ministers accused of crimes would serve the public interest because, ya know, it would be important to spot them lurking around children. But these three? Does this identification serve to inform or titillate?

Posted by Linus Minus | July 9, 2008 2:07 PM

going to be sick now.

Posted by robo | July 9, 2008 2:07 PM

What brand / flavor of condoms?

Posted by umvue | July 9, 2008 2:16 PM


Posted by BallardGirl | July 9, 2008 2:22 PM

She died in a motorcycle accident. Odds are decent that aside from the decomposition of her corpse, her beauty was marred by some good road burn and maybe a busted head.

Posted by him | July 9, 2008 2:23 PM

"Why condoms"? Well, duh. These responsible young fellows were simply trying to prevent unwanted, undeadzombiebabies from thwarting their bright futures.

All teens should be so careful.

Posted by saxfanatic | July 9, 2008 2:36 PM

Some men will fuck any pussy. Even dead ones. EW!

Posted by Vince | July 9, 2008 2:37 PM

My stomach was doing fine with this story until I got to the lube comment @14. For some reason that tipped it over the edge. Blargh....

Posted by Julie | July 9, 2008 2:40 PM

Well, she WAS buried in a short skirt.

Posted by Blame the Victim | July 9, 2008 2:42 PM

Them corpses is hot.

Posted by Johnny Thunder | July 9, 2008 2:59 PM

Isn't it possible this whole plan was just the result of drunken chicanery?

Seriously. They probably sobered up by the time they reached the coffin, which is why they "abandoned their plan" (the smell might have done it too).

I think they have to at least get her out of the coffin before potentially making them register as sex offenders for the rest of their lives, for God's sake.

As desperate and pathetic as these guys clearly are, I can only support attempted grave robbing.

Posted by Matthew | July 9, 2008 3:29 PM

@31: Maybe after the grave robbing, they were going to have some good ol' fashioned gay sex. But instead of being outed by the media, they'd rather accept the hetero-necro charges.

Posted by Ziggity | July 9, 2008 4:12 PM

You can have my corpse lover when you pry me from her cold, dead labia!

Posted by Charlton Heston | July 9, 2008 4:59 PM

"...maybe they were worried about catching the mother of all cooties."

They were afraid of catching Zombie Cooties? I don't know, ask the experts at Resident Evil.

Posted by yucca flower | July 9, 2008 5:13 PM

@32: Nothing turns their cranks more than a gay three-way on a coffin.

Reasons to use condoms:
1. Don't leave DNA at the crime scene.
2. Since they were apparently all going to fuck her, they don't want to get diseases from each others' spunk.
3. @26, good idea to prevent those undeadzombiebabies.

Vandalizing a grave site and trespassing are the only crimes they committed here.

Posted by sepiolida | July 9, 2008 10:37 PM

BTW, here's a picture of her:

On "find a".
She is pretty hot, but I'm not sure she's "dig up" hot.

Posted by sepiolida | July 9, 2008 10:48 PM

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