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Monday, July 28, 2008

Job Opening: Critiquing Seattle’s Most Irresponsible Talkers

posted by on July 28 at 16:25 PM

Remember these batshitcrazy sermons?

I was reminded of these batshit preachers and their batshit sermons—and the trouble they caused John McCain and Barack Obama—when I re-read an essay by George Eliot excerpted in The Portable Atheist: Essential Readings for the Nonbeliever, an anthology edited by Christopher Hitchens. How on earth did Hagee and Parsley and Wright get away with saying such batshit stuff for so long? Eliot, writing in 1855, has the answer…

The preacher… has an immense advantage over all other public speakers. The platform orator is subject to the criticisms of hisses and groans. Counsel for the plaintiff expects the retort of counsel for the defendant. The honorable gentleman on one side of the House is liable to have his facts and figures shown up by honorable friend on the opposite side. Even the scientific or literary lecturer, if he is dull or incompetent, may see the best part of his audience slip quietly out one by one.

But the preacher is completely master of the situation: no one may hiss, no one may depart. Like the writer of imaginary conversations, he may put what imbecilities he pleases into the mouths of his antagonists, and swell with triumph when he has refuted them. He may riot in gratuitous assertions, confident that no man will contradict him; he may exercise perfect free-will in logic, and invent illustrative experience; he may give an evangelical edition of history with the inconvenient facts omitted—all this he may do with impunity, certain that those of his hearers who are not sympathizing are not listening. For the Press has no band of critics that go the round of the churches and chapels, and are on the watch for a slip or a defect in the preacher, to make a “feature” in their article: the clergy [therefore] are practically the most irresponsible of all talkers.

Think of the trouble Barack Obama and John McCain might have been spared if the Press actually sent critics round to churches and chapels, temples and mosques, and regularly published reviews of the sermons? Obama might have left Wright’s church years before he decided to run for president; John McCain might never have sought Hagee’s endorsement, or Parsley’s counsel.

And for all we know all kinds of batshit pours forth from our pulpits every Sunday. With local religion “coverage” limited to limp homilies in the Seattle Times penned by area preachers, our clergy could be saying things every bit as shocking as Hagee or Wright and we’ll never find out about it—well, not until one of their congregants decides to run for president.

To rectify the situation Slog seeks an informed, passionate critic excited about making the rounds of Seattle’s churches and chapels, someone qualified to critique slips and defects, praise better efforts, and help make more responsible talkers out of our local clergy. If you feel you’re the right person for this important freelance work, email me.

UPDATE: People of faith, agnostics, and atheists are all welcome to apply.

RSS icon Comments

1

Do I have to be a batshit crazy atheist in order to apply? Or are mild mannered agnostics allowed as well?

Thank Goddess that atheists are all normal, non-racist, non-sexist, people who would never grab on to one persons ideological beliefs (Hitchens) and tout them around in a judgmental fashion calling the 'opposite' side derogatory names whilst looking down their nose at all who don't follow said belief.

Fucking hypocrites.

Posted by polarizing is for sissies | July 28, 2008 4:47 PM
2

I think it's a terribly entertaining idea. I'm sure it will be right up Sandy Brown's alley; maybe you should have a meeting with him to talk about it?

Posted by Greg | July 28, 2008 4:51 PM
3

Let me know if you want comparables from Baltimore, yo.

Posted by Balt-O-Matt | July 28, 2008 4:53 PM
4

@1

Isn't the point that you know, I know, everyone knows, what the fnck Mr. Christopher Hitchens says because he or others make it public and comment upon it while what the guy in the church across the street says is comparatively top secret? Then again, maybe not.

Gotta admit, though, this beats pit bulls, youth pastors, differently sexed parents...

Posted by jebus h. xst | July 28, 2008 5:02 PM
5

Is this a paid position?

And can we bring our pit bulls to church?

Posted by Will in Seattle | July 28, 2008 5:16 PM
6

This is an excellent idea. I look forward to reading the results. That essay excerpt could provide a handy checklist.

"Gratuitous assertions...check."

Number one on the list: stating or implying that believing claims without evidence is a virtue.

Posted by pox | July 28, 2008 5:31 PM
7

Great idea.

Batshit crazy: God "had" to send his "Son" here as a "human" to "suffer" and "die" to "redemm" our "sins."

This world we see is an illusion, the only reality comes when we empty our minds of all attachments.

The all powerful Gods will give us eternal life if we build these huge triangular structures...better pack all our stuff in the crypt.

Aphrodite, now she sprung from Zeus' forehead.

Posted by PC | July 28, 2008 5:31 PM
8

interesting idea. although, the sermons of most churches are veiled in secrecy. they are often download-able from the church's website.

Posted by robo | July 28, 2008 5:45 PM
9

I wish my Father-in-law was still alive. I'd move him up here to take the job. Raised Catholic, Gay, a PhD in literature and language, fluent in Greek, Latin, with a smattering of Hebrew, and a world-class drunkard to boot. He had a black belt in hoisting people with their own petards.

Posted by playswithknives | July 28, 2008 5:56 PM
10

Tempting...Quite tempting...

Posted by I'm Black! Really! | July 28, 2008 7:07 PM
11

Ooh, I just played them simultaneously...my jeebus jones would be completely fulfilled with the addition of Ted Haggard's huge lips flapping at the camera a la "jeebus camp".

Posted by emma's bee | July 28, 2008 7:17 PM
12

Look for my email, Dan. I've totally got this assignment. If you need references, Scary Tyler Moore will vouch for me.

Posted by Hernandez | July 28, 2008 7:51 PM
13

Speaking of irresponsible talkers, anyone catch this little bit of Fox in the church shooting news today?

http://preview.tinyurl.com/5dbx85

Posted by wench | July 28, 2008 8:08 PM
14

Nice, Dan.

www.skeptic.com might be interested in your results. I know I am. Looking forward to this one.

Posted by Amelia | July 28, 2008 8:38 PM
15

I love this idea on its surface, but it needs to be done in just the right way -- fundies love nothing more than feeling that they are the persecuted targets of the government, pop culture, and of course the media. I think pissing off Dan Savage would be a badge of honor to a lot of preachers, too, once it becomes known that The Stranger has a spy.

Posted by dreamboatcaptain | July 28, 2008 8:53 PM
16

I wish I could do it.

I hope you get someone who can find the ones who aren't batshitcrazy too. They need exposure -- and not from being on the news for getting shot up, like today.

Posted by Fnarf | July 28, 2008 10:03 PM
17

Oh hell, @15, you almost make me want to do it. In high school I used to put on a floor length skirt and go to lectures at the Apostolic Christians' annual brou-ha-ha in my hometown. Where they announced e.g. that they'd managed to get the Denver airport to stop playing New Age devil's music.

But if the Stranger can hire the likes of Annie Wagner, Paul Constant and Jonathan Golob, I can't wait to see who they hire to do this job. I mean that in a positive way.

Posted by Amelia | July 28, 2008 10:09 PM
18

I'm a very proud atheist, but I'm not extremely outspoken unless the topic is broached upon during conversation.

This has always been one of my issues with religion and religious thought. Why is free expression of religion commonly accepted by almost everybody in the world, but free criticism of religion is almost always viewed as uncouthe? It's completely fine to say you hate somebody based on your religious beliefs because it's backed up by some bullshit that was created by humans in the days when bloodletting was one of the top medical cures for illnesses.

What-the-fuck? Why would you ever base your belief in the ever after on such foolish thoughts from such un-educated people during some of the darkest times of humanity?

Posted by Layton | July 28, 2008 10:59 PM
19

I like the idea in spirit, Dan, but how on earth is one person supposed to do this job? Have you considered the logistics?


There are over 200 Christian churches within five miles of The Stranger's office alone, at least a thousand within the city limits, and several times that in the inner suburbs.


Your new hire might be able to be present at three sermons each Sunday, maybe find a few more sermons from heads of churches during the week. You'll find more online, of course, but online sermons are edited, or written in advance, and thus not likely to contain the sort of batshit pronouncements you're looking for. And the meaning of a passage can turn on the way the words are spoken, too.


Then there's this: even the controversial preachers generally don't preach something controversial at every sermon, or even very often.


Unless you keep an eye on only a tiny fraction of the churches in Seattle, your church-critic is going to see maybe two sermons at a given church every year.


If you're going to do this and get results, then you're going to need to devote at least as much staff to it as you devote to music criticism, or even all arts criticism combined.

Posted by robotslave | July 29, 2008 2:32 AM
20

i might be up for it.. although these children meet on sunday mornings at like 8am and 10am ( the bigger congregations always have two seatings these days)
makes sense in an agrarian society when you need to get up to milk cows and gather eggs and shit.. but now in the digital age ? shit's nuts. i stopped going because of the time factor, the crazy talk and the fact that they gets rilly antsy when me and my boyfriend show up. generally i don't go where he cain't go, but i might make an exception in this case.. for the team and all..
and umm ...if the music sucks that'll make it pretty damned hard.. back in my day, we had choirs and singers and congas and tambourines and hammond organs with b-3 speakers..makes the screaming and hollering and speaking in tongues a lot easier to deal with..
your in christ.
riz

Posted by reverend dr dj riz | July 29, 2008 2:38 AM
21

I have been to services as a spy at Mars Hill and Anitoch on the eastside and the really controversial shit is pretty hard to come by. (as hard as it is to believe Driscol and Hutch don't gay bash every sermon) So whoever takes on this worthy task, get ready to sit through lots of boring as crap about Paul and those damn letters he wrote in the second half of the New Testament.

Posted by Cato the Younger Younger | July 29, 2008 7:18 AM
22

Oh, good God! You are a SADIST. This sounds like something from the Discovery Channel's "Dirty Jobs."

Posted by Miss Poppy Hussein Dixon | July 29, 2008 8:24 AM
23

When I lived in SC (involuntarily, for high school only) I used to go to all the churches with friends whenever I stayed over at anyone's house (church is a big social thing in the south). My mother is the daughter of a preacher, and so was inoculated at an early age. So we weren't allowed to get too involved with any churches. But the sermons were fascinating in a horror show kind of way. It's actually really revealing and interesting. Not that it excuses it, but a lot of it comes from ignorance.

Posted by nicole | July 29, 2008 8:49 AM
24

Growing up Catholic, I have to tell you, those non-denom Christian churches scared the fuck out of me-- and continue to scare the fuck out of me.

I have never once been to a Mass where hatred, hell, or fire and brimstone was preached. I have never once been to a Mass where people holler and scream and roll on the floor because they are "touched" by the Holy Spirit. I have never once been to a Mass where the message was that we needed to be more God "FEARING." I have never once been to a Mass where there was any condemning of teh gays or teh heathens or anyone else.

Nuh uh. Fuck that. Non-denom Christians are so scary because they DON'T HAVE ANY OVERSIGHT. Any crazy mother fucker can declare himself a pastor and preach away.

Posted by Catholic Girl | July 29, 2008 10:12 AM
25

I think the church goers also get ansy when you show up because you're black.

Really.

Pax, brotha'.

Posted by I'm Black! Really! | July 29, 2008 10:16 AM
26

Also fun: the way some sermonizers confuse themselves with Jesus. And their references to popular culture.

Posted by Amelia | July 29, 2008 10:31 AM
27

How about including expert theatrical criticism? A ratings scale for the segues. A profile of the ideal sermon (8 minutes) and how the current subject measures up. Can Harry Shearer's brilliant Reverend Lovejoy be somehow involved?

A sidebar showing the church's financial situation? How much federal money they're getting for "social programs." Recent growth or decline. What cars the preacher owns. ("Tim Eyman" car scale?)

I wish someone could also evaluate not only these churches' giant new private schools but also their damn day care programs. When asked about her day at Babtist preschool, my three-year-old niece told me they'd learned the letter "O," for "obey."

Posted by Amelia | July 29, 2008 4:27 PM

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