Maybe I'm missing something, but if the grand prize is $1,000, and there are 50 prizes, how can the total value of the prizes equal $4,000,000? Unless the runner-up prizes are worth hundreds of thousands of dollars, that is.
How do get prizes totalling $4,000,000.00 if the grand prize is only $1,000? That's some serious moola for the runner-up.
Damn, Paul, way to volley. I'm sure both Steve and Jesus are blushing right about now.
@2 - Get out of my head. Thanks.
Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ
Friendly neighborhood Jesus Christ
Crucified for your sins
Evil loses, Jesus wins
Look out! Here comes that Jesus Christ
That was so beautiful. It brought a tear to my eye.
Damn, that could go on a Metro bus.
That was wonderful, Paul. Here is my poor submission for runner-up. I can't wait for it to be professionally acknowledged!
What Would Jesus Do?
Did you ever stop to think
about what Jesus would do
if confronted with the choice
of paper or plastic?
He would probably just make the
groceries levitate, or
teleport them to his house
or something, right?
Or maybe he would use one of those
home-delivery services;
he probably wouldn't want to be
mobbed at the grocery store.
#8, what would Jesus do if he came downstairs from his condo at 8am to find his Amazon Fresh delivery ransacked by vagrants? Turn the other cheek? Hell no, mother fuckers fucked with his GROCERIES.
Obvious typo on the prizes - they mean $4,000. A 25% grand prize is pretty typical.
I'm Christian and I actually like this poem. There, I admitted it and I feel better (which is one of the "goals" of poetry, right?).
Hey Paul, ask Schmader about his "Even God" poem that he read at "Cheap Wine and Poetry." He should consider submitting that to this contest too.
That's a very Thoughful poem.
Paul, I see a future for you in the Christian publishing industry, perhaps writing inspirational greeting cards? Think of the lives you could touch, you could be a ray of sunshine in someone's otherwise cloudy day. Not that you aren't already that at the Stranger...
Levislade's entry was awesome, though. I have such a lovely picture in my mind of Jesus walking along with his groceries levitating behind him. He's probably humming Onward Christian Soldiers.
that was the best poem i've read in a long time.
Dear Paul,
This morning during my morning prayer time, Jesus said, "Steve, are your ears burning? Because I am inspiring Paul to write a Very Holy Poem (VHP) about you right now."
"Wow, Jesus!"
"You deserve it, Steve. And also, I've been talking to The Father about your idea to combine the wafers with the communion wine--he's into it, and will send a VHP to Pope Benedict on Friday."
"That's great, Jesus! IMHO the wafer/wine combination would save a lot of time for the average parishioner over the course a lifetime."
"Your right, Steve. In fact, the amount of time saved in 70 years would allow an average parishioner to say 2,000 Hail Marys, leading to a global increase of Catholic Holiness of .35%!"
"How great Thou art, Jesus!"
"No, Steve. How great THOU art."
"Oh, Jesus, I'm blushing!"
etc.
Untitled
by Erica C. Dickenson
Because I could not stop for Zipcar,
It kindly stopped for me;
The carriage held but just myself
And some groceries.
I slowly drove, I knew no haste,
As that's the Seattle way,
My labour, and my leisure too,
took place beneath the gray.
I passed the school where children played,
Their lessons sexist-based;
I passed the folk with whom I work,
Their brownies all pot-laced.
I paused before a youth who seemed
A simple, average Joe;
His comment, though, was risible,
It was clearly Mr. Poe.
Since then my miseries do I
express, short-fused and sentimental,
And still surmise the car I drive
Will always be a rental.
END
Dang, I forgot to submit mine with a title. If I end up not snagging a runner-up prize it will probably be due to this technicality. Perhaps I can rectify it when my submission is professionally acknowledged.
Jesus was a recycler
Jesus was a recycler, he turned water into wine
He cleaned out the Temple
And he didn't spend a dime
He ate all his vegetables
He carried the cross himself
I'll bet he thinks an SUV is from Satan as well
It is (too good to be true).
Amusing.
But.
You get taken in. A lot. Do not you?
Where do I sign to get Jubilation T. Cornball appointed Slog poet laureate?
Jesus forgives.
Everyone.
Everytime.
He even forgives Dan Savage
for supporting
the Iraq War
and
Going on KVI to explain why.
So Dan should be sleeping well
knowing
he won't be going south
at
least
for
that!!!
I'm physically incapable of writing poetry: good, bad, or funny.
But I have to say this is the funniest goddamned post/comment thread in ages. Well done everyone.
There once was a savior from Nantucket,
Whose staff was so long he could suck it.
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin:
"And in the future you will see the Son of Man seated in the place of power at God’s right hand and coming on the clouds of heaven."
Or something like that. But after JTC's brilliant ode @16, how can a crappy Nantucket limerick compete?
Levislade @8 and JTC @16 are both brilliant. Thanks all for an unusually enjoyable morning.
OMG I'm rolling! @16 and 23, you rock. That was the funniest thing I've read in ages.
@23, tip o' the hat! Funny :-)
And thanks, all for the kudos -- be sure to tune in next week for Jen Graves Dickenson's "I Heard the Frye Buzz When I Died."
Jesus, Jesus on a cross
What happened to your pants?
Everytime I look at you I get a funny feeling in my pants.
Right down there
in my pants.
Where are yours?
Oh, please, put your pants on.
Please.
OOOOhhhh!
I wrote a poem while on a mission trip once about sitting on a toilet and Jesus talking to me. Best poem I ever wrote. But it's still on the wall of the stall in some small town in Michigan.
The First Star Spangled Noel
The first noel the angel did
Say can you see
Certain poor shepherds
By the dawn's early light
What so proudly we hailed
In fields they lay tending their sheeps
Last gleaming
Whose broad stripes
Saw a star rising in the east
O'er the ramparts we watched
And to the earth it gave
Gallantly streaming
And by the light of
Red Glare
Three wise men came
Bursting in air
To seek for a king
That our flag was still there
Noel, noel, noel, noel, born is the king of
The land of the free and the home of the brave
Is the author of the poem named Adam?
No, Eve.
albeit they all made me laugh, hernandez's poem was the best. he could sell that to CBN for a saturday morning kid show theme. did you crib that from the church of today youth group bible school, 'nando?
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