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Friday, July 11, 2008

I Too (or Three, or Four, or Five at This Point) Would Like to Say Something Nice About Brad

posted by on July 11 at 15:05 PM

Brad has suffered a lot at the hands of the homosexuals around this office. Knowing this, and knowing how gamely he’s taken all the waxing, Ben Gaying, and suggestions that he and I go to gay couple’s counseling together as a stunt (the joke of which neither he nor I ever quite understood), I’ve tried very hard not to add to the general gay-pression of this kind and lovely fella.

So you can imagine my mortification when, some while back, I found myself making repeated drunk-dial calls to Brad, weekend after weekend, only to realize, and then inform him, that I’d meant to call “the gay Brad in my phone” instead of, you know, my Managing Editor.

A typical conversation might begin sometime between 10 p.m. and 2 a.m. on a Friday or Saturday:

Me: Hey Brad…

Brad: Hey Eli. It’s Steinbacher. I’m not the one you want, am I?

Me: Oh shit. Not again. Sorry! See you in the office on Monday.

It is a very special straight man who can let you know, all with a certain warmness and humor in his voice, that your doofus drunk-dialing has been noted, silently mocked, appreciated in a slapstick sort of way, and also unappreciated in a “Don’t haunt my nights with your gay drama too!” sort of way.

The best thing, though, was that I always felt like he was rooting for me to hang up, drunk dial someone else, and quickly end up engaged in certain activities that are far more exciting than drunk-dialing.

I eventually drunk-proofed my cell phone so that Brad and I stopped having our late night chats, but I’ve always kind of missed them. Maybe I’ll un-drunk-proof my phone now that I won’t be seeing him during the weekdays anymore.

RSS icon Comments


This is fun! It's like a wake, but with no food.

Posted by Matthew | July 11, 2008 3:16 PM

Eli, how do you think his next of kin will react when the phone rings in the middle of the night and a voice asks for Brad? Obviously it's bound to happen anyway, because a lot of people loved him during his life, but don't intentionally prolong their grief that way, even if Brad would have found it funny.

Posted by elenchos | July 11, 2008 3:26 PM

How does one drunk-dial-proof one's phone?! i've heard of a company that makes it impossible to call a particular number after a certain hour - but how for phone in its entirety? and does it work for texting too?

Posted by need2know | July 11, 2008 3:43 PM

@3: For these purposes, all I had to do was change the Brad entry in my address book from "Brad" to "Steinbacher." That way I didn't have two Brads confuzzing my late-night mind on my little phone console... Good luck with your own drunk-dial-proofing!

Posted by Eli Sanders | July 11, 2008 3:57 PM

Mr Hubert Poe is upset that he's not getting this kind of send-off...

Posted by michael strangeways | July 11, 2008 4:19 PM


my god

his mother was drunk?

Posted by John | July 12, 2008 3:41 PM

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