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Tuesday, June 10, 2008

What Straight People Can Learn About Marriage From Gay People

posted by on June 10 at 9:27 AM

First off, it doesn’t have to be that way—”it” being argument style, division of household labor, etc.

A growing body of evidence shows that same-sex couples have a great deal to teach everyone else about marriage and relationships. Most studies show surprisingly few differences between committed gay couples and committed straight couples, but the differences that do emerge have shed light on the kinds of conflicts that can endanger heterosexual relationships.

The findings offer hope that some of the most vexing problems are not necessarily entrenched in deep-rooted biological differences between men and women. And that, in turn, offers hope that the problems can be solved….

Notably, same-sex relationships, whether between men or women, were far more egalitarian than heterosexual ones. In heterosexual couples, women did far more of the housework; men were more likely to have the financial responsibility; and men were more likely to initiate sex, while women were more likely to refuse it or to start a conversation about problems in the relationship. With same-sex couples, of course, none of these dichotomies were possible, and the partners tended to share the burdens far more equally.

While the gay and lesbian couples had about the same rate of conflict as the heterosexual ones, they appeared to have more relationship satisfaction, suggesting that the inequality of opposite-sex relationships can take a toll.

And from an earlier write-up of the same studies…

The findings also showed that same-sex couples, regardless of civil union status, were more satisfied with their relationships compared to married heterosexual couples. Same-sex couples reported more positive feelings toward their partners and less conflict than heterosexual married couples, said the authors.

Now the fundies don’t like these reports—basically any “research” study that doesn’t prove that gay men and lesbians aren’t busily eating each other’s feces when we’re not recruiting children is, to their minds, fatally biased. And fundies are deeply invested in the notion that there are “deep-rooted biological differences between men and women.” So studies that show that same-sex relationships function well, and that people in them are relatively content, and that folks in opposite-sex relationships can learn a thing or two from us, well, those studies are sure to be unwelcome over at Focus on the Family.

But there’s something I’d like to see these researchers address, and it’s an issue that’s sure to drive both fundies and some in the gay rights movements up the wall: monogamy.

Male same-sex couples in long-term relationships report higher levels of satisfaction, are better at resolving conflict, have less destructive argument styles, share house work more equitably, etc. We’re also a hell of lot less likely to be strictly monogamous. Many gay male couples have negotiated “agreements” about outside sexual contact (scope, frequency, safety, etc). Reading these reports I can’t help but wonder what impact, if any, the lesser emphasis gay men place on monogamy has on relationships. Does talking about and defusing one of the chief sources of marital strife—attraction to others; the desire, acknowledged or not, for a sexual variety over the life of a multi-decade partnership—contribute to higher rates of relationship satisfaction? Do gay male couples report less conflict than straight couples because fewer gay couples are conflict—or denial—about outside sexual contacts?

RSS icon Comments

1

A: Yes!

Posted by tomasyalba | June 10, 2008 9:30 AM
2

No. It's because gay means happy.

Posted by PA Native | June 10, 2008 9:35 AM
3

Haha. I guess you sees a can of worms sitting there on the counter, Dan, and just can't resist.

(And yes, I think you're on to something.)

Posted by tsm | June 10, 2008 9:40 AM
4

there ARE biological differences between men and women, and they will lead to conflict forever. sexy sexy conflict.

i'm sure many married straight men would like some options on monogamy, but married straight women? far far fewer.

Posted by max solomon | June 10, 2008 9:40 AM
5

Correlation, causality. Causality, correlation.

Posted by Greg | June 10, 2008 9:44 AM
6

Oh brother, Dan, what a question. Gee, I wonder if you and The Boyfriend have 'an agreement'..... (yes we know you do)

Do you really need anyone's approval to have the kind of relationship you want?

While it would be stupid to say that monogamy is BETTER than polyamory/open relationships/blah blah, monogamy really is OK with some people, you know.

I hated it when my boyfriend went out on me. Never got used to it and it didn't help our relationship one bit.

Posted by Hartiepie | June 10, 2008 9:44 AM
7

Hi Dan, a small request for the nerdy. For those of us who actually are interested in analyzing the studies you refer to(generally as well as these in particular) but don't have database access, could you track down a link, or (perish forbid) buy a copy of, the actual study rather than a NYT write-up.
If you don't have access, perhaps someone can post it in the comments so as to CYA. Thanks.

Posted by LMSW | June 10, 2008 9:45 AM
8

I learned that gender roles might have a genetic component to them.

Posted by Bellevue Ave | June 10, 2008 9:46 AM
9

I hate to be a sour grape here, but the positive studies that I have seen are based on gay males. Lesbian research that I have read suggests that:
1) Lesbians experience much higher rates of early 'bed death'
and
2)Lesbian relationships have a higher rate than hetro relationships of physical abuse.

Now start yelling at me.

Posted by About to be boo'ed | June 10, 2008 9:47 AM
10

Dan Savage, you are a genius!

Posted by Mike in MO | June 10, 2008 9:48 AM
11

@9: Citations, please.

Posted by Greg | June 10, 2008 9:49 AM
12

@9 Not a fan of clicking through to read the original article, I take it?

Posted by brklyngrl | June 10, 2008 9:53 AM
13

My partner and I are in a happy lesbian relationship for a decade and half. We have had many frank discussions about monogamy and have come to our own agreement with regard to that.

Talking about this 'taboo' issue and discussing this issue openly and in a truthful way has deepened our relationship. Most of my straight couple friends don't really talk about it.

I do think that there are some real gender equality issues that impact the sexual dynamic in straight couplings that we gays don't have to deal with. Not having to deal with gender inequalities makes our relationships inherently more egalitarian. It seems fairly self evident.

Also, because we are gay, we are kind of forced to think about sexual and gender roles differently. We don't really have the luxury of lumbering through life without a whole lot of reflection on these matters.

Posted by Let's Talk About Sex Baby | June 10, 2008 9:55 AM
14

answered my own request through the second link. happy day. still as a general rule, it would be nice.

http://www.apa.org/journals/releases/dev44191.pdf

http://www.apa.org/journals/releases/dev441102.pdf

Posted by LMSW | June 10, 2008 9:55 AM
15

probably for gay men; for gay women, not so much. and i believe they included lesbians in that study. but maybe you could argue that women are much more likely to want monogamy than men, so a monogamous lesbian relationship probably is more happy than a monogamous hetero relationship where the women alway knowing the man would rather be able to sleep around.

Posted by kim | June 10, 2008 9:57 AM
16

The open relationship thing scares me because of disease and being afraid my partner will find someone better and leave me.

Having these concerns may not make me a paragon of self-confidence, but they're real for me.

Posted by Jubilation T. Cornball | June 10, 2008 10:07 AM
17

Wait, hang on- you mean if I were gay I wouldn't have to do so much housework? Where do I sign up?

Posted by Kristen | June 10, 2008 10:14 AM
18

This is #9 here. Maybe what I am saying is hearsay (Dan can you tell me if I am 100% fucked here?)
But according to my dopey wikipedia reference: "...published findings indicate that lesbian couples have less sexual contact than those of any other sexual orientation.." http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lesbian_bed_death
Maybe the physical abuse thing is just based on anecdotal info.
I am sorry if I offend.
Yeah, I read the piece and I agree with it...for red states with stereotypical sex relationships.

Posted by No trying to be an asshole (but, I am sure, succeeding) | June 10, 2008 10:15 AM
19

I always attributed it to our keen fashion sense, divine cooking skills and willingness to toss salad at the drop of a hat...

Posted by michael strangeways | June 10, 2008 10:15 AM
20

I remember hearing years ago about studies done at the Gottman Institute right here in Seattle which reached similar conclusions. They've been studying relationships for over 30 years. They had only done small studies at the time (1999? 2000?) but had found that gay/lesbian couples had far better communication skills than even the healthiest of hetero couples. They of course were having trouble getting funding, and I don't know if any current research going on in the area, but they're really interesting.

Posted by Mary T | June 10, 2008 10:17 AM
21

there's something wrong w/ your code--all posts from this one down are italicized

Posted by glen keenan | June 10, 2008 10:18 AM
22

I think as the world open people up to new ideas, relgion is put away, and people become more open in their relationships, that yes, we will probably model our hetro relationships after gay men.

But I agree with Jubilation...although open to it, I am insecure about it.

Posted by Original Monique | June 10, 2008 10:32 AM
23

I have too much anecdotal evidence of open relationships (both hetero and homo) going sour over things like: one partner fucking someone else in the same house (while the other partner is in the house for fuck's sake) without clearing it with the other partner; one partner leaving the other when she found someone "better" (although the "better" guy was so undesirable in so many ways her actions had to be a sign of untreated mental illness). If it works for some people, great, but I've learned to be wary.

Posted by keshmeshi | June 10, 2008 10:33 AM
24

Also, Dan, what about the (negative) influence of children on relationship satisfaction? The same Balsam study that describes how marriage satisfaction has a U-shaped curve over time, with a big dip coinciding with the introduction of children, also mentions that gay couples are far less likely to have children. Not that this should be interpreted to negate the ideas about argument styles, communication, openness, etc., but don't you think the stress of raising children should be considered a major factor in relationship satisfaction?

Posted by Greg | June 10, 2008 10:47 AM
25

@13 The communication is the important part, regardless of the outcome. My partner and I have had many conversations, and we always come to the same conclusion. We revisit the topic because people change. I don't think monogamy or open-relationships can apply to every relationship. Open communication does.

Posted by In MN | June 10, 2008 10:49 AM
26
I have too much anecdotal evidence of open relationships (both hetero and homo) going sour over things like: one partner fucking someone else in the same house ... without clearing it with the other partner; one partner leaving the other when she found someone "better ....

Sure, but to make a fair contrast you also have to consider the frequency with which monogamous relationships fail due to cheating, jealousy, sexual frustration, etc. There may be a certain tradeoff involved.

Posted by tsm | June 10, 2008 10:51 AM
27

@13 Because, of course, every single one of your married friends are going to tell you about the deep discussion they had with their partner about cheating. Maybe they're not having these discussions, or maybe they're just not talking about their discussions with you.

Secondly, it's sorta "duh" that people of the same gender would have a better time communicating, if nothing else because they have something rather large (or small, I make no judgements) in common. And Dan, I am fully open to you having a great, open communication marriage to your partner. But please try to understand that, much as I can communicate better with females (I am female,) living with them drives me up the wall. I am in no way attracted to them. And for loads and loads of psychological reasons I can't do open relationships. CANNOT... DO... THEM. Wanna do em? Don't date me. Wanna screw around after 5 years together? Great, have a nice life.

My point is, I do not look down upon your "lifestyle" of THE GAY, so why must you look down on mine of THE MONOGAMOUS?

Posted by Marty | June 10, 2008 11:43 AM
28

I think its all the hot butt sex.

Posted by You_Gotta_Be_Kidding_Me | June 10, 2008 11:46 AM
29

Desire for outside partners seems like it'd be less of a factor in longterm relationships than the division of chores.

Posted by Kiru Banzai | June 10, 2008 1:34 PM

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