Housekeeping T.T.F.N.
posted by June 17 at 10:35 AM
onOkay, it’s done. The money has been spent. I thought on it and took suggestions from friends over the weekend. One insisted I should go to a strip club and make it rain, but I rejected that idea for a host of reasons, foremost that I would have to use one-dollar bills, which is just sad. Plus, Seattle clubs are lit up like Wal-Mart and don’t allow smoking or drinking, so scratch that. Another friend suggested I buy a gun, which is insane and a little frightening. Most of my buddies thought I should use the money to get a delicious meal and some pampering, like a massage, but that didn’t grab me either. So, I decided to go through the comments on “Fuck This” and “I Win” for inspiration. Here’s what I landed on: Get something for me, something for everyone, and something for Mr. Poe.
For me: I normally think my purchases to death, so as a treat I let myself buy the first shiny thing that caught my eye. This:
It’s sufficiently functional, it cracked me up, and it’s made of sustainably grown hemp (a definite plus, as I have a pretty severe case of carbon-footprint anxiety), so I bought it. Done.
For everyone: $50 to the Washington State Democrats.
What’s up, Big D?
For Mr. Poe: Dude, you made fifteen comments on “Fuck This” that I got paid for. That’s not even counting the ones you posted after 4 pm. This leads me to believe that either you are unemployed or the job you have is not keeping you busy enough. I got really excited about getting you a deluxe Monster.com membership. Think about it! You could go from this:
to this:
But then I remembered that those sites are free, so I spent the money on a pizza. It was delicious. Thanks!
So, unless Keck pulls another weird deus-ex-slogina, this is goodbye for reals. Here’s hoping the next guest Slogger has a better time of it than I did. I’ll see you fuckers in hell!
Comments
I make more money than you.
And you should have used the $$$ to buy a gun and kill yourself.
Apprently you can not post this to the correct date, It is NOT the 27th of June.. So FUCK THIS!!!
Looks like she purchased a time machine, too.
I see what you did there. Hilarious!!!!!!!
Any dough left over for a calendar?
Any dough left over for dignity?
I hope the pizza tasted like victory.
You should have bought a gun and killed Poe, then yourself. Either that, or a shiny new thick skin.
Have a nice life, cunt face!
I would like to hear more about the pizza. Thank you.
You're posting from the future?! Why didn't you tell us you had time-travel powers?
I'm going to imagine that the $1 you received as a result of my comment was part of the $50 that went to the Democratic Party, because while I'm pro-hemp, I'm anti-garish tote bag. Goodbye, Ms. Alvarez-Bell, your departure signals the end of a dark and depressing time on the Slog. Let the healing begin!
This is all pretty awesome, indignant commenters included.
Man, this has been ridiculous. I really hope it's over now. For what it's worth, I had never heard of you before your first "good-bye" post, and now I'm completely sick of you. Kudos to the Stranger for such a clever comment-and-click-creating scheme, though.
What I learned from this whole C A-B episode: I needed to stop being such a dope on Slog. Thanks for reminding me I am 40+ and not in eighth grade. I will try to be slightly more substantive when I post. But, good god Chelsea, your posts try a man's soul.
And as for the wrong date on this post, I wish it was June 27 cuz I would have gotten my dividend checks and have enough money to buy Mr. Poe that new fur stole he's been hounding me for.
Cunt-face???????
Well, I appreciate that she donated some of the money. A dolphin rescue organization would've been more ironic, but it was a nice gesture all the same.
How much pizza did you eat? Where was it from?? Please give specifics!
You REALLY should have spent the $200 on a private investigator to follow Mr. Poe around and take incriminating photos.
A tote bag, a pizza, and democrats. that tote bag was $125?
You are who we thought you were!
Oh goody --- more FUCK. Damn you is soooo hip gurl.....
This was the strangest and dullest interchange. I can't beleive you think you somehow won something. Writing fluff (poorly, too) and then gloating about someone giving you money to do ....to do ...to do something. god, what was this about? Wait a minute--- are you Paris Hilton?
Who is Keck any way?
For everyone: $50 to the Washington State Democrats.
No, this isn't for everyone. Flushing the money down the toilet would do more good than giving it to politicians.
@9 & 16:
Piecoras. Meatballs, pesto (on top, not as base) and red onions.
I fucked up the date; not Chelsea. The time machine is mine. Sorry about that.
Chelsea, can I use you as a reference? I'm taking your advice and changing my career. I've got my eye on a job at Planned Parenthood. I'd like to do my part to make sure something like this never happens again.
Meatballs. That pretty much says it all, don'cha think?
Oh dear. First the F word and then the C word. This is the stinky bathroom of slog posts. Doesn't anybody have any Glade?
I'll be a reference for you at PPWW, Mr. Poe.
No thanks, Will. Only super successful people, like Chelsea--who thinks $200 is fuckin' bank--have room on my resume. High rollers!
I'm totally on Chelsea's mind right now. I'll be on her mind for the rest of the summer, no doubt. God this is fucking awesome.
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...
Mr. Poe = owned.
@21, I think Amy Kate just confessed to being a Time Lord. I wonder if she can hook me up with that cute new Dr. Who.
Can someone hyperlink to the offending posts/comment thread? I've behind and I don't have time to scroll through the week I missed. Pretty please?
Your tote bag is missing the words: "I think I'm really fucking special because this ... is made from hemp and I paid a buck and a quarter for it. Hemp should be legal! It's totally sustainable and makes excellent rope, from which I would be blessed to hang."
Miss Alvarez-Bell, you are one nasty piece of work.
@30
See any comments thread from this one on back to the very first Slog post. That'll pretty much do it.
1. Brainstorm topics to post on Slog
2. Post a completely retarded and childlike introduction
3. Follow up with a clueless and slightly moronic post about Sex and the City
4. Realize that nobody likes your posts, your writing, or you
5. Become terrified to post
6. Post 2-bits of irrelevance once a day, but skip a day, because you need a break
7. Write a long, sad note about how you have thick skin to ensure nobody thinks your self-conscious, even though the long, sad post shows how much you are. This post will tell a small community that you are leaving because they are all big-stupid-do-do-heads
8. Find out that Tim Keck will offer you $200 to stay
9. Quit at quitting; come back
10. Sustain positive "I won" attitude to tell all your friends, namely yourself, that you have won, and you now have a hideous bag to show for it
A fucking tote bag!? Useful, yes, but not even remotely meaningful, interesting, valuable, entertaining, funny, or noteworthy. At the very least you could have had a picnic with friends or something. Just when you were seemingly starting to win people over, you go and ass it all up by proving to us that Mr. Poe and Jubilation T. Cornball were right all along. I seriously regret giving you the benefit of the doubt, you spoiled little airhead.
@ 14: That's right! It is an homage to the great Elegant Elliot Offen.
Also, I've got my eye on a job at Planned Parenthood. I'd like to do my part to make sure something like this never happens again.
I take it all back, Poe. That was brilliant.
Is that really a photo of the actual tote you bought, or just a random photo of a tote you grabbed off Google (please)?
I've been a little surprised by all the venom heaped on you Chelsea, but I have to say that to at least a small degree you bring it on yourself.
I've tried to give you the benefit of the doubt, but your posts have been consistently vapid. I couldn't give a rat's ass about your low-carbon-footprint tote bag. And even your donation to the democratic party comes across as trite.
If you'd spent more than a day or two on Slog, you wouldn't come across as such an outsider. Mr. Poe is a bit weird and irascible, and has been known to say some pretty crass things about nearly anyone. But only total noob would take him seriously, or mistake him for being unemployed.
I don't think you deserve quite the level of vitriol that has been flung your way. But I do think having you as a guest Slogger was ill conceived.
To the Slog overlords, a couple of suggestions for the next attempt at a guest-Slogger:
(1) They should be required to lurk on Slog for at least a couple of weeks, reading the posts and comments. That way they'd have at least some clue about the regular weirdoes that hang out here, and won't go and cry if Poe tells them to shoot themselves {Chelsea, hint: he does that to someone about once a week; don't take it personally}.
(2) They should be instructed to at least attempt to write something relevant. And if they can't be relevant, at least be funny.
Poe got owned because she made an incorrect assumption about his employment and instead of buying him something he doesn't need, bought something she doesn't need?
Ok.
Besides, who *doesn't* want a job where they can read Slog whenever they want?
Last Saturday Gawker picked up on this...
Bullied Blogger to Comment Mob: "I Win, Bitches!
http://gawker.com/tag/the-internets/?i=5016471&t=bullied-blogger-to-comment-mob-i-win-bitches
I, too, had no idea who Chelsea was, or that she had even posted anything, until she started ranting and raving. So I went back and read her pieces. But they were so bland, I now find myself several days later unable to remember what they were about, other than that she didn't like Sex and the City.
In another day or two, I will have forgotten that she ever existed. And all will be right in the world.
what. an. idiot.
(with no fashion sense)
My goodness gravy! I'm so glad that these comment lists don't involve actual picture postcards and postage stamps. Saves so much on resources and time spent waiting for replies.
Chelsea, I want you to know at least one thing. I would feel really, really bad if you killed yourself. I probably wouldn't talk for a month. I wouldn't know what to say. I'd blame myself, even though I would acknowledge it wasn't actually my fault. But being a playing piece on the board would really get to me. Deep down inside, I'm a teddy bear, and outside of Slog I would never wish actual harm on someone unless they inflicted it on someone else.
So, if you want to actually get the best of me, give it a whirl!
Weren't you supposed to write about what you bought? You wrote more about Mr. Poe than your biggest actual purchase.
crown their asses!
whose friend at the stranger is she again?
Come on guys, isn't this the same pattern you're used to your whole lives? You're a shithead to a woman, she says no and won't put up with it, you have to slink off and pout on the internet.
Aren't you familiar with it by now?
Chelsea wins, the end. Get the fuck offline.
I wouldn't be caught dead with that ugly ass tote.
@38, some talent as a writer would be nice, too. I mean, we deserve better than "Dudes! Tuna salad! Okay!" and then a ton of swearing to mask the complete lack of anything interesting to say.
I miss her already.
She's the Debi Matenoupolous of Slog.
If there was a God, they'd bring back "Chelsea What's Her Name-Bell", "New" Coke, Pink Lady & Jeff, Dynamite magazine, Wacky Pack Stickers and "Flesh" colored Crayolas.
ahhh...the Good Ole Days.
See Chelsea, Mr. Poe's human after all.
That doesn't mean we want you to come back tough.
Wow, Tim Keck paid $200 for TWO LOUSY POSTS! To a compete unknown! With nothing of any consequence to impart to the Slog Audience! All for a few extra hit-counts!
I'll bet Chaz is fuming now!
(And probably looking up some appropriately obtuse quote his "Wittgenstein Reader")
Next time you need to "pump the views", Tim, why not just post a pix of a nekkid Daniel Radcliffe, or Monica Bellucci? I'm sure you can find free downloads somewhere. It'll make the SLOGers much more happy, and save yourself a bit of cash in the process.
Seriously, I sincerely hope you feel that was money well-spent, because frankly, I think YOU are the one who got pwned, not the commentors.
yes...it is true.
All men on Slog hate women with inane and bland tuna salad recipes.
We hang our heads in shame for our misogyny and acknowledge that "Chelsea Ding-Dong Bell" is our superior and "wins" this battle. She is the Queen of Bad Blogging.
I am still a bit bemused at how much vitriol is being expended here. I just seriously don't understand why you're all even bothering so much. I'm with Sven @41- the posts are just bland, and if everyone hadn't gotten so hilariously upset at them, I would have forgotten that they'd even happened. So, uh, good job someone?
@ 53, i'm a girl and i hate chelsea because she's a giant airhead. basically the female equivalent of a bro...
we're not misogynists, just haters.
I didn't know the new Doctor Who was female ...
Is that her new "job"?
Chelsea, this is probably the high point of your life. Enjoy every second. Then never come back.
boring from first to last.
@51 One semi nice comment does not make Poe that human! He is a massive brat and although he makes me laugh at times he needs to shut his big fat mouth most of the time!
Comte, get over it! God, it was $200 not $20,000.
Chelsea don't read any more comments! Go have fun today and forget about slog.
None of these people are worth taking seriously!
SDA at least has some sensitivity and makes sense!
After seeing all the misogyny in this comments section, I have to wonder what would happen if the Slog posters were this acidic about homosexuals. It would be an interesting experiment to see how long The Stranger would tolerate a Comments section packed full of vehement gay-bashing. I doubt they'd put up with it as long.
@60 - you obviously didn't read the thread about Gay Pride, did you?
1)Still unclear on how disliking an individual, who happens to be female, makes one misogynistic, but whatevs...
2)judging by the writing style, I'm guessing that mj @ 59 is auditioning to be the new guest slogger...
#60, if anyone can point to genuine misogyny by a regular commenter instead of just a man criticizing/insulting a woman, I'll give them $1 for each post.
Chelsea, you're losing (again). Quick, get your moron friends over here STAT.
You know what, stop it with the waaa misogyny...waaa the Slog posters hate women...waaa they are so mean to women they drive them away.
That's total bullshit. There are several of us women who post regularly on Slog who haven't been chased away and I'm sick to death of that as an excuse around here.
Grow the fuck up already, these guys are equal opportunity assholes and if you don't want to play in the sandbox with them, don't, but don't blame it on them driving you away because they hate women.
You know what I hate? I hate women who instead of being able to cogently defend their positions fall back on the victim stance of "you are being mean because I am a woman." Did it ever occur to some of you that they are being mean because your ideas are stupid as fuck?
@44
Best reverse psychology ever.
Oh, PopTart@65, why do you hate women so much? WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?!
#34 FTW!
@60 - misogyny? GMAFB. She's being roasted because she's a terrible writer, and the Stranger made a big mistake with this Guest Slogger idea. I suspect that commenters would not have reacted SO negatively if she weren't the first Guest Slogger and it had been up and running for a while, but as it is, I think at least part of the vitriol is really for Slog for choosing this hack to begin with.
Chelea has gotten $200 and a misguided sense of vindication, I guess, to go with a dramatically increased hit count for her even-lamer-than-her-posts-here blog, so at least that's something.
I do hope that the next Guest Slogger (if the Stranger insists on continuing it) is well warned and well chosen, because unless that person is bloody brilliant it's just going to be more of the same in the comments.
#63 isn't a joke. I'm good for it. Hell, with the amount of actual misogyny on Slog, the homeless guy selling Real Change on my street corner would be good for it.
@70: Oh, ACTUAL misogyny, as opposed to "Have a nice life, cunt face!" That's just good clean fun.
Apparently it's not misogyny until you're actually punching her. Even then, if you post about it in the Slog, it don't count!
Honestly, my problem isn't misogyny per se, it's the generally intense hatred and verbal abuse that passes for "playing in the sandbox". As long as you can claim that you're a foul and bile-filled asshole to everyone, it's somehow okay.
I'm tempted to attend the next Slog get-together, with a baseball bat. "I'm not beating him to death, I'm roughhousing! IT'S GOOD CLEAN FUN! If you can't handle a little bat upside the head, don't attend! Whiner!"
Go ahead. Bring your baseball bat. Bitch, we will fuck - you - up.
scalpel, do it.
@71: Oh, that *one* comment out of ... seventy-three now? Misogyny isn't the flu; you don't just catch it from being in the same fucking room.
@71 -- Awesome! Please do attend; I'll personally point out Mr. Poe to you.
You're absolutely correct @59.
Henceforth, I vow never to take anything you say seriously, ever again.
If you think you can prove someone's hatred of the entire female gender over the internet, based on a single insult, be my guest.
I'll give you a hint: the post would be of the form "women are nothing but..." or "all woman are just..."
I hope that gives you a good start to earning a happy meal.
According to dictionary.com misogyny is the "hatred, dislike, or mistrust of women."
Just because somebody uses rude and nasty language in their posts does not automatically make them a misogynist in my book. Apparently there are women who beg to differ with me.
So, in fairness I believe I have found an example of a misogynistic comment in an old Slog post, but I can't figure out how to link to it.
W7ngman, check out YGTMKM's posts on the he blogged, she blogged thread from the 29th of May and let me know if that qualifies.
Regardless, I still stand by my original tirade @65. Stupid has no gender.
@71:
By all means, bring the bat.
But, if you start in with the whole "teamwork" thing, expect to say "hello" to my "little friend"...
Kelly O and Ari Spool give Chelsea Alvarez-Bell can of Rize, Chelsea Alvarez-Bell drink Rize, freak out, Hulk out, CHELSEA ALVAREZ-BELL BECOME HULK!
HULK WILL SMASH MEAN SLOG COMMENTERS!
And no, I don't feel like letting it go.
@79 Cute comeback! I deserved it...
I meant to say 76... I do not want to meet your little friend!
To people saying Poe posted something nice in here: Could you please point that out to me?
Because what I read was a genius thinly-veiled insult in the form of calling himself a teddy bear, saying that if she killed herself it would truly hurt/impact him ... and then he invited her to kill herself.
Lmao. That's not nice. Twisted bastards.
So, a comment is not misogynistic unless the person says "I hate women" or "All women are bitches"? That seems like a pretty high standard. You don't think the use of "cunt-face", "toots", "kitten", or "bitch" when deriding someone's opinion is even slightly misogynistic?
Jolly good show, PopTart. $1!
@83
Don't worry. She'd fail at that, too.
#84, while I can empathize with your position, I would contend that applying the actual definition of misogyny is only a high standard when one seeks to find misogyny in everything.
Seriously, has any exit any where at any time ever been more self-humiliating -- or more prolonged -- than this person's? And we're supposed to feel what? Besides amazement that anyone could so debase themselves so cluelessly on a literally global scale?
Enjoy the junk you got with the money you earned from whining about losing!
I mean, seriously.
Do you also think that someone has to say "I hate black people" or "I mistrust black people" for them to be racist?
You really think that people do not display "hatred, dislike, or mistrust" of a particular group of people other than by saying "I hate them"?
That bag needs an "S" and THEN Mr. Poe would love it.
No. Aside from the fact that racism is more comparable to sexism, I see your point, but this *is* an internet comment thread, mostly void of tone or context. Again, if you think you can prove someone's hatred of the entire female gender over the internet, based on a single insult, be my guest.
jesus chels,
i didn't really read your past posts and didn't really care. until your insufferable 'fuck this i'm out' post, i didn't really give a damn about you. now i do care -- i thought you were leaving, so go the fuck away. you're a douche. stop posting on slog asshole.
Chelsea, I just love that your posts, which have apparently been voted "most worthless" by the omnipotent Mr. Poe & Co., have also garnered the most comments I have seen on any post in a long while. Clearly you are at least worth their time and energy. Kudos for causing such an uproar amongst the Slog commenting elite.
Wow, that was a major letdown. You had all weekend to come up with something clever to do with your money and something clever to say about it on Slog. And instead we get this.
Ecce homo has certainly tossed out a truly misogynistic post or two in his time, but then, come on - he shouldn't really count.
Cunt face is mysoginistic? Sheesh! Aren't we sensitive!
Also, 93 gets it. I only hope Chelsea & ECB & everyone else that cries about The Mean Slog Commenters (MSCs?) get it too.
What a waste of money.
And, really, there are plenty of better hypothetical gifts to give your bitchiest detractors: rabies meds, a pacifier. A nonexistent deluxe Monster.com membership doesn't cut it.
100, for the third time in a row! It's grand salami time!
Are you still posting here, Fnarf?
Really, Fnarf. We'd be more impressed if you actually contributed something *else* to the thread.
That would explain the bag.
If I call a woman "bitch," it's because she happen to be a woman and I'm tailoring my insults for extra malice -- just like if you wear glasses and I call you "four-eyes" while arguing with you.
Am I insulting her in the first place BECAUSE she's a woman (which would be the definition of misogyny)? No. I'm insulting her because I find the things she says are stupid/illogical.
yu34ivblg70jpgn [URL=http://www.954495.com/439571.html] jtfgqyg2kat40 [/URL] inqgusv7gaiy
42mfmtn2q842mfmtn2q8 we4p09wu6d 1213878010
Comments Closed
Comments are closed on this post.