Slog - Comments on Rupture Ready

Comment by Mr. Poe

Mr. Poe — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 10:07:51 -0800

Little do they know, mwaha mwaha, there's vacuums waiting to suck up their souls before they reach heaven.

Comment by lostboy

lostboy — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 10:15:26 -0800

No televangelists hectoring us about our sins, no Pat Robertson interviews on cable news, no mobs waving placards outside of abortion clinics.

Ok, grant for the sake of argument that Christianity is Truth and that The Rapture will occur. The premise assumes all these annoying creatures actually qualify as Christians.

Comment by laterite

laterite — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 10:16:38 -0800

I remember the rupture of Oct 28, 1992 quite well. That was the day my appendix decided to blow out.

Comment by Will in Seattle

Will in Seattle — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 10:19:12 -0800

I've had a chat with the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and he's got a big surprise for them.

They thought it was Rapture.

He said Rupture.

Imagine a large whirlpool of spaghetti in a pot that's boiling, with carnivorous meatballs you can't see nibbling at you, but the eaten parts regrow for a few thousand years.

Hope they like that ...

Comment by belltown girl

belltown girl — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 10:20:50 -0800

You are suggesting that Pat Robertson and his buddies would actually qualify for the rapture. I would imagine that, if the rapture was real and the judgment was fair and all that, we would still be stuck with the real pain in the ass specimens when it was all over. :)

(If I believed in that rapture sort of thing....which I don't.)

Comment by umvue

umvue — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 10:27:42 -0800

Old "news".

Anyway, I'm in favor of all P.T. Barnum wannabes getting whatever they can out of the Rupture Ready. Whatever goes to post-rupture private email &etc. comes out of the billboard &etc. budget.

Comment by Big Sven

Big Sven — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 10:27:57 -0800

See "The Rapture." Great fucking movie.

Comment by Thisbe

Thisbe — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 10:30:34 -0800

If I were the devil, one thing I would do would be to set up "Fundamentalist Christian" ministries. Then I would use them to convince people that hating your neighbor, sticking your nose in someone else's business, making lots of money through shady business practices and spending it on McMansions and consumer electronics, denying basic rights and freedoms to Other People, and feeling self-satisfied were all things that Jesus wants us to do.

That way, a lot of people would be subverted from loving their neighbors and making the world a better place.

Just sayin'.
Why do we let these demon-worshippers call themselves "Christian" and get away with it, again?

Comment by Julie

Julie — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 10:30:38 -0800

The best quote from that article:

"There won't be any bodies, so probate court will take seven years to clear your assets to your next of kin. Seven years, of course, is all the time that will be left. So, basically the Government of the Antichrist gets your stuff, unless you make it available in another way."

That statement mixes reality with make believe in an absolutely phenomenal way.

Comment by keshmeshi

keshmeshi — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 10:33:07 -0800

Yeah, if the Rapture is real, then the fundies have a very nasty surprise in store for them. If they actually read the bible, they'd see that Jesus doesn't have any use for hectoring, judgmental bastards.

Comment by Adam

Adam — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 10:36:27 -0800

No fundamentalists anywhere on Earth? Are they absolutely sure WE'RE not the ones who will be in heaven?

Comment by Fnarf

Fnarf — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 10:37:27 -0800

Not if the email server gets raptured first.

Comment by NapoleonXIV

NapoleonXIV — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 10:39:35 -0800

Rapture-Tards, in the event of your being called up, I can clear your estate in far less than seven years, thus enabling you to bequeath your worldly possessions to your non-believing left-behind loved ones.

Of course, I'll want a sizeable retainer, upfront.

Comment by Gabriel

Gabriel — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 10:40:24 -0800

Time to update my spam filter.

Comment by Tiktok

Tiktok — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 10:43:37 -0800

I thought I saw a story about this a year or so ago, and it was non-believers looking to bilk fundies for this service. More power to the bilkers.

Comment by lostboy

lostboy — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 10:43:47 -0800

Adam @11:

No fundamentalists anywhere on Earth? Are they absolutely sure WE'RE not the ones who will be in heaven?

It'd be a start. For this world to be heavenly, the list of asshats who'd need to disappear is much longer than just fundies.

Comment by Will in Seattle

Will in Seattle — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 10:47:37 -0800

@8 wins and @10 gets second place.

Comment by leek

leek — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 11:05:35 -0800

Why does every thread have to contain an announcement of who "won"? Argh.

Comment by dp

dp — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 11:20:00 -0800

Next time a fundie is bothering you, tell them that "the rapture happened last Thurday, why are you still here?"

Comment by bronkitis

bronkitis — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 11:20:59 -0800

I for one cannot wait to rummage through the belongings of the faithful.

Comment by inkweary

inkweary — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 11:25:58 -0800

Gloating: WWJD?

Comment by National Doughnut Council

National Doughnut Council — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 11:30:11 -0800

Jesus would have a doughnut.

Comment by Cookie W. Monster

Cookie W. Monster — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 11:43:08 -0800

Savage,

Tell us the truth: Josh Feit didn't "quit"; he didn't "get fired"; he got raptured by the Flying Spaghetti Monster, to the tune of That Blondie Song.

It's "true," isn't it?

Comment by Jeff Stevens

Jeff Stevens — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 11:51:58 -0800

What will happen to the motherfundies in "heaven" after the "rapture"?

They'll spend eternity in a "Christian" stress position while giant speakers blast That Blondie Song in their faces at top volume, ad infinitum ad nauseam--and all the while, Jesus and Lynndie England will give He Who Cannot Be Named the thumbs up.

And I say: Bring it on!

Comment by lostboy

lostboy — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 11:52:33 -0800

Perhaps we should send a correspondent down to Pike Place Market to see if Josh is there enjoying a bag of mini-donuts.

Comment by douglas

douglas — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 11:53:40 -0800

damn it, why didn't i think of that...40 bucks a year, an annual payment that only assholes would pay...i coulda been rich..

Comment by Schweighsr

Schweighsr — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 11:54:51 -0800

I want access to that server! I want to read what the e-mails say, NOW. I'm sure half would be of the "haha, you got left behind, you suck" ilk, but I want to read the ones that say "Dear Aunt Sally, We will miss you so much. If only you hadn't been so tolerant you'd be here with us now...."

Comment by Thor

Thor — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 12:00:23 -0800

"The Adventures of The Christian Pirate Pussies" is a short animation that explains everything! Breed your own Red Heifer for fun & profit!

http://thorrific.com/christianpiratepussies.htm

Comment by ru shur

ru shur — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 12:24:26 -0800

The key, of course, is that once you get tired of running this business, your last action before closing up shop is to hit the send button.

Comment by Mike

Mike — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 12:35:15 -0800

Who's supposed to send the emails? Do these companies specifically hire heathens as their IT folks, just so there will be someone left behind to hit "Send"?

Comment by Geni

Geni — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 12:43:53 -0800

Hate to break this to the Bible-bangin' fundy fruitbats, but the Rapture already happened. The one righteous person is at the side of Jeebus already. The rest of you are Left Behinders. Nyah, nyah, nyah.

Comment by Email Rapture Council

Email Rapture Council — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 12:43:56 -0800

Don't worry, all your emails will be just as safe as those Karl Rove sent ...

Comment by Julie

Julie — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 12:53:25 -0800

@30 - it sounds like they have an automated system. If 3 of the 5 administrators don't log in for 6 days (presumably because they're with Jeebus), then the e-mails automatically go out.

If I was a hacker, I would definitely be on this in a heartbeat.

Comment by not a fundie

not a fundie — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 13:03:02 -0800

Here's (ahem) praying for a system glitch. Send! Send! Send!

Comment by Chris in Tampa

Chris in Tampa — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 13:06:47 -0800

I hate complaining about things being old on the internet, but in addition to this being ages old, I believe you yourself posted it to slog a year or so ago, Dan.

Comment by Reverse Polarity

Reverse Polarity — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 13:08:23 -0800

Fuck. I wish I'd have thought of this. Talk about easy money...

Comment by Vince

Vince — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 13:42:17 -0800

And George Bush will be the turd in their heavenly punch bowl.

Comment by miss jo

miss jo — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 13:58:08 -0800

thank you @ 16 for using the word asshat.

Comment by Dan McKeaney

Dan McKeaney — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 14:01:45 -0800

I'm not sure if it's the same guy (I think the website I'm thinking of might be called Rapture Letters or something like that) but he gets interviewed in the great documentary "The God Who Wasn't There". Oh, and he's crazy. Go figure.

Comment by Colin

Colin — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 14:26:44 -0800

Wow, what a brilliant money making scam! Why didn't I think of this? $40/year forever subscription and all it would cost me is a PC. Damn, those people are going to be super rich soon.

Comment by Jim

Jim — Sat, 07 Jun 2008 01:19:43 -0800

If the rapture were to happen, I think it would be best if it happened during one of John Haggee's sermons. "The Rapture could happen right now, before I finish this sermon. It could come any........Hey, what's going on? What happened to those people? Deacons, do you know what's going on here? God! Give us a sign, what happened to your worshipers?"

Comment by Mr. Joshua

Mr. Joshua — Sat, 07 Jun 2008 17:45:51 -0800

You know, one thing they WOULD need is someone those fundies are CONVINCED would never get raptured. So, Dan, is it really ethical to post about your new employer without disclosing such details?