Religion Rupture Ready
posted by June 6 at 9:47 AM
onThe only upside of the Rapture—the opening moments Armageddon during which fundamentalist Christians believe they will float bodily up to heaven before the real ugliness begins for those of us “left behind” on earth—will be the few brief moments (days, weeks) between the disappearance of all the Fundamentalist Christians and the appearance of the Anti-Christ, the mass-slaughter of Jews and the unsaved, the boiling of our blood in our veins, etc.
Imagine it—all the fundies gone, all at once. A few weeks of peace. No televangelists hectoring us about our sins, no Pat Robertson interviews on cable news, no mobs waving placards outside of abortion clinics. We’ll be left at peace, if only for a few moments, before all the Revelations shit hits the prophesy fan. (Please note: I’m not longing for an earth free of Christians; not all Christians believe in the Rapture—Catholics, Orthodox, and most Protestants don’t buy of on this Rapture nonsense.)
Well, it looks like the fundies are planning to nag us from the great beyond.
If millions of Christians suddenly disappear from the face of the Earth as the opening act for Armageddon, Threat Level thinks most nonbelievers will be too busy freaking the hell out to check their e-mail. But if they do log in, now they can be treated to some post-Rapture needling from their missing friends and loved ones, courtesy of web startup YouveBeenLeftBehind.com.For just $40 a year, believers can arrange for up to 62 people to get a final message exactly six days after the Rapture.
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Little do they know, mwaha mwaha, there's vacuums waiting to suck up their souls before they reach heaven.
Ok, grant for the sake of argument that Christianity is Truth and that The Rapture will occur. The premise assumes all these annoying creatures actually qualify as Christians.
I remember the rupture of Oct 28, 1992 quite well. That was the day my appendix decided to blow out.
I've had a chat with the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and he's got a big surprise for them.
They thought it was Rapture.
He said Rupture.
Imagine a large whirlpool of spaghetti in a pot that's boiling, with carnivorous meatballs you can't see nibbling at you, but the eaten parts regrow for a few thousand years.
Hope they like that ...
You are suggesting that Pat Robertson and his buddies would actually qualify for the rapture. I would imagine that, if the rapture was real and the judgment was fair and all that, we would still be stuck with the real pain in the ass specimens when it was all over. :)
(If I believed in that rapture sort of thing....which I don't.)
Old "news".
Anyway, I'm in favor of all P.T. Barnum wannabes getting whatever they can out of the Rupture Ready. Whatever goes to post-rupture private email &etc. comes out of the billboard &etc. budget.
See "The Rapture." Great fucking movie.
If I were the devil, one thing I would do would be to set up "Fundamentalist Christian" ministries. Then I would use them to convince people that hating your neighbor, sticking your nose in someone else's business, making lots of money through shady business practices and spending it on McMansions and consumer electronics, denying basic rights and freedoms to Other People, and feeling self-satisfied were all things that Jesus wants us to do.
That way, a lot of people would be subverted from loving their neighbors and making the world a better place.
Just sayin'.
Why do we let these demon-worshippers call themselves "Christian" and get away with it, again?
The best quote from that article:
That statement mixes reality with make believe in an absolutely phenomenal way.
Yeah, if the Rapture is real, then the fundies have a very nasty surprise in store for them. If they actually read the bible, they'd see that Jesus doesn't have any use for hectoring, judgmental bastards.
No fundamentalists anywhere on Earth? Are they absolutely sure WE'RE not the ones who will be in heaven?
Not if the email server gets raptured first.
Rapture-Tards, in the event of your being called up, I can clear your estate in far less than seven years, thus enabling you to bequeath your worldly possessions to your non-believing left-behind loved ones.
Of course, I'll want a sizeable retainer, upfront.
Time to update my spam filter.
I thought I saw a story about this a year or so ago, and it was non-believers looking to bilk fundies for this service. More power to the bilkers.
Adam @11:
It'd be a start. For this world to be heavenly, the list of asshats who'd need to disappear is much longer than just fundies.
@8 wins and @10 gets second place.
Why does every thread have to contain an announcement of who "won"? Argh.
Next time a fundie is bothering you, tell them that "the rapture happened last Thurday, why are you still here?"
I for one cannot wait to rummage through the belongings of the faithful.
Gloating: WWJD?
Jesus would have a doughnut.
Savage,
Tell us the truth: Josh Feit didn't "quit"; he didn't "get fired"; he got raptured by the Flying Spaghetti Monster, to the tune of That Blondie Song.
It's "true," isn't it?
What will happen to the motherfundies in "heaven" after the "rapture"?
They'll spend eternity in a "Christian" stress position while giant speakers blast That Blondie Song in their faces at top volume, ad infinitum ad nauseam--and all the while, Jesus and Lynndie England will give He Who Cannot Be Named the thumbs up.
And I say: Bring it on!
Perhaps we should send a correspondent down to Pike Place Market to see if Josh is there enjoying a bag of mini-donuts.
damn it, why didn't i think of that...40 bucks a year, an annual payment that only assholes would pay...i coulda been rich..
I want access to that server! I want to read what the e-mails say, NOW. I'm sure half would be of the "haha, you got left behind, you suck" ilk, but I want to read the ones that say "Dear Aunt Sally, We will miss you so much. If only you hadn't been so tolerant you'd be here with us now...."
"The Adventures of The Christian Pirate Pussies" is a short animation that explains everything! Breed your own Red Heifer for fun & profit!
http://thorrific.com/christianpiratepussies.htm
The key, of course, is that once you get tired of running this business, your last action before closing up shop is to hit the send button.
Who's supposed to send the emails? Do these companies specifically hire heathens as their IT folks, just so there will be someone left behind to hit "Send"?
Hate to break this to the Bible-bangin' fundy fruitbats, but the Rapture already happened. The one righteous person is at the side of Jeebus already. The rest of you are Left Behinders. Nyah, nyah, nyah.
Don't worry, all your emails will be just as safe as those Karl Rove sent ...
@30 - it sounds like they have an automated system. If 3 of the 5 administrators don't log in for 6 days (presumably because they're with Jeebus), then the e-mails automatically go out.
If I was a hacker, I would definitely be on this in a heartbeat.
Here's (ahem) praying for a system glitch. Send! Send! Send!
I hate complaining about things being old on the internet, but in addition to this being ages old, I believe you yourself posted it to slog a year or so ago, Dan.
Fuck. I wish I'd have thought of this. Talk about easy money...
And George Bush will be the turd in their heavenly punch bowl.
thank you @ 16 for using the word asshat.
I'm not sure if it's the same guy (I think the website I'm thinking of might be called Rapture Letters or something like that) but he gets interviewed in the great documentary "The God Who Wasn't There". Oh, and he's crazy. Go figure.
Wow, what a brilliant money making scam! Why didn't I think of this? $40/year forever subscription and all it would cost me is a PC. Damn, those people are going to be super rich soon.
If the rapture were to happen, I think it would be best if it happened during one of John Haggee's sermons. "The Rapture could happen right now, before I finish this sermon. It could come any........Hey, what's going on? What happened to those people? Deacons, do you know what's going on here? God! Give us a sign, what happened to your worshipers?"
You know, one thing they WOULD need is someone those fundies are CONVINCED would never get raptured. So, Dan, is it really ethical to post about your new employer without disclosing such details?
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