Religion Conservatives: Secretly Satanic? Confirmed!
posted by on June 12 at 18:46 PM
As Grant Cogswell pointed out in his feature piece last week, there once was a man called Anton LaVey, and Anton LaVey, whilst he lived, tried really, really hard to be The Evilest Man Who Ever Was. Mostly he was just bald and vaguely douche-bag-ish: Like a martini-sipping Fu-Manchu in a priest suit who looked like he had to crap a walrus. But still. He tried really, really hard.
Indeed, Anton wanted to be evil, seriously evil, so he did the only evil thing an evil person in his evil position could do: He poured himself a stiff drink, sat down, and thought really really hard about, well, evil.
He searched through humanity’s various sordid histories and religious myths, he delved into Darwin and dived into Disraeli, he porked a few hookers, had a few more drinks, grew a spooky goatee, and squeezed the putrid juices from the ugly guts of the very nastiest of human nature. And when he was done, he shaved his head, founded the Church of Satan, and wrote a few pro-sex, pseudo-fascist books that still give a dark and stupid sense of purpose to confused and alienated teenage assholes to this very day. He became the real and fer-true Apologist for the Devil—-the one true expert on all things truly wretched.
His conclusions and the crux of his Satanic philosophy ran thusly: We humans are, in every sense, rotten, rude, paranoid, and less than fresh. People are wicked and untrustworthy animals. All so-called “virtues” and “good deeds” are self-delusive ego-kicks, hip, hip, hooray. That’s the whole thing in a devilicious nutshell. And as you might have guessed, Uncle Anton was something of a fascist turd, who drank a bit, probably cried a lot on Christmas, and went around saying cra-zazy crap all the time, like:
“Man is a selfish creature. Everything in life is a a selfish act,”
And:
“There can be no more myth of “equality” for all—it only translates to “mediocrity” and supports the weak at the expense of the strong.”
Anyway—-and trust me that this all does tie-in loosely in the end somehow I hope—-we now turn the “Colbert Report”. Yes, I said “Colbert Report”. Specifically, a recent interview with a man calling himself George Will. And as scripture or whatever tells us, “By their ‘Colbert Report’ appearance, ye shall know them.” Or something. (I’m a Unitarian this week, so I can hardly be sure of anything at this point.)
Now, I’ve never fucking heard of this “George Will”, but my good friend Wikipedia told me that he’s a “Pulitzer Prize-winning conservative”, which in a sane world would be a firm contradiction in terms. He is a renowned conservative columnist and pundit apparently, also. Below, Steven Colbert calls him, “one of the ‘intellectual giants of conservatism’”—which is definitely a contradiction in terms. But what he really is, as you will see below, is the toupee-ed, shiny-shoe-ed Public Relations Manager of Satan—Old Skool, Anton LaVey-style, word, yo. As I’ve said before and shall surely say again, behold:
That’s right. Straight from the horsey mouth of the “leading pundit of conservatism in the nation”: The difference between conservatives and liberals is that liberals are fools who believe in the goodness of human nature and the basic equality of all people. Like in the, uh, Declaration of Independence and junk. (And, if you’ll pardon the expression, “The Bible”.) They believe misguidedly that “something straight” can be made out of the “crooked timber” that is humanity. Man is clearly rotten and selfish by design. There can be no myth of equality…um….it only translates to “mediocrity”, and…uh…Satan? Is that you? It’s me, George Will.
Now, we turn briefly again to Old Uncle Anton. In his collection of essays, “The Devil’s Notebook”, he expounds tiresomely upon the alleged historical necessity of The Villain as a catalyst to progress and human evolution, and he notes that:
“If Hitler had not singled out the Jews…the Nation of Israel might never have been realized.”
Hmm. Interesting theory: If you are trying hard to be a complete asswipe—-which Anton totally was—-and/or you have devoted your life to Satan—-which he totally did. And/or you are a right-wing Republican Christian, like John Hagee, the popular Evangelist and close friend and supporter of young John McCain apparently. As Dan noted the other day, John Hagee recently said this about the Holocaust, and, um, deja vu?:
“How did it happen? Because God allowed it to happen. Why did it happen? Because God said my top priority for the Jewish people is to get them to come back to the land of Israel.”
So then. In other words, “If Hitler had not singled out the Jews…the Nation of Israel might never have been realized…and, well…again…uh…
Satan?
Indeed. And I wonder. Would it surprise the leading prophets and liars of American conservatism like Mr. Will and Reverend Hagee how very often and totally that they agree and have so very much in common with the founder of the Church of Satan—-a man who, for irony and, you heard me, rank profit—-did his damnedest to exemplify the most vile and wretched leanings of the human situation? A man whose greatest goal in life was to be a total social Darwinist bastard?
I do not, however, wonder if it would have surprised Anton LaVey. No, sir. Because it really wouldn’t have. Anton LaVey totally had those evil bitch’s number. Numbers. Whatever.
Totally.
Hail Satan!*
(*I am a Unitarian, dammit! Do you hear me?! Unitarian!)
Crooked timber.*
Not bent.
you're a unitarian? holy crap.
I’m a Unitarian this week, so I can hardly be sure of anything at this point.
Adrian Ryan, with that little piece of snark, you're officially my second fav @ The Stranger (behind The Holy Dan Savage).
Also, I'd send this to all my Bush/McSame lovin friends & family, but it would be totally lost on them.
This is way too meandering. Seriously. Did you really need a history of Anton LaVey to illustrate that Church of Satan, conservative and libertarian ideologies overlap? I get that you don't like George Will and Anton LaVey (I don't either) but pairing them up like this? Why?
And also, "conservative intellectual" is not an oxymoron. There are many conservative intellectuals and George Will is one of them. The left doesn't have a monopoly on public intellectuals. I know as self-absorbed progressives we're supposed to pretend that valid or defensible ideas have never come out of the mouths of anyone on the right.
I think you're taking it more seriously than intended, Jay.
Actually, I like George Will much more after listening to that. He was clever and funny and honest. I'm pretty sure I've read opinion bits by him that made my blood boil, but he did a great job there.
#5: Yeah, probably. The temperature goes up a few notches and I get a little stir crazy.
Adrian - This post has solidified your place in my heart, forever and ever, Amen!
Big ups on this one, you weird little ginger.
I esp. liked the part in that interview where Will proclaimed that the conservatives were here to save us from the liberals' idealism.
Yeah, like spreading democracy in the Middle East?
Adrian, this post made me wet. Can we get satanic gay married in your UU templurchapel? This week?
"We humans are, in every sense, rotten, rude, paranoid, and less than fresh. People are wicked and untrustworthy animals. All so-called “virtues” and “good deeds” are self-delusive ego-kicks, hip, hip, hooray."
I find this summation brilliant, sympathetic, hilarious and accurate. It appears I agree with the Adrian Ryan more than the Anton LaVey!
I am very happy to see Satan portrayed as white. It is not common to assume that the Accuser is white, but it is indeed true that white people wish for nothing more than to assume the Dark Angel is black. He is fortunately white, as he always has been. Black people were the first people to walk the Earth. Black people were the first people to live, laugh, and love. This universal bliss was destroyed the very second the White Beast was cast upon the Earth by way of unknown demonic forces.
You is a Unitarian? Grrrrrrl I gots some chicken head skulls all clackity clacking uthawize.
If George Will were really the servant of Satan he'd go around talking your ear off about exquisite poetry in motion of baseball or some shit like that.
Before you call anyone a fascist, you ought to know what facscism is, you fucking half-wit.
Please Jimmy, tell us all about this facscism.
Which version of the Constitution are you looking at? Because nothing in my draft has anything about people being equal. In fact, it contains several passages that would suggest the opposite.
The closest you might be able to come is equal protection under the law, which is hardly the same thing as equality in principle.
But nevermind. You're joking.
Judah, you are so fucking boring. Would you kill yourself already? Everybody here knows you have zero friends. Everybody here knows you have no life. Everybody here knows you have admitted to carrying a knife around you...but for whatever reason? (Like dying is the worst thing that could happen to you? Try waking up tomorrow.)
And here i thought conservatives just didnt like gays and taxes, but apparently it is HUMANITY they loathe. Conservative is and always has been a euphemism for asshole.
"Now, I’ve never fucking heard of this “George Will"..."
Seriously? Then, you have no business writing about politics whether you agree with his views or not. Let this be the last of your posts on this subject. He's been around just too long for you to be a journalist and not know who he is. The rest of this piece is just too weird to comment on. Though, i will say, reading it this late did make it mildly amusing.
Wow. That was a fantastically well written piece, and a pleasure to read.
Unfortunately, talking about conservatism without knowing George F. Will is like talking about classical music and not knowing Beethoven.
So, points for cleverness and an amusing article. Serious demerits for being "insightful" while simultaneously making it clear you have no idea what the hell you're talking about.
I believe in the basic equality of all people. But believing in the goodness of human nature? LOL!!!1111111
@19
Alright then.
The only thing you got right is that I carry a knife -- which is hardly surprising, since you don't know me. But as long as we're talking about "boring", let me tell you what I think is boring: insecure gay men who think any conversational offering heavier than their own desperate and profoundly inadequate attempts at Wildesque quipping are a sign of social vulnerability that can somehow be exploited to make them look cleverer and more socially successful by comparison. It's boring when a bitchy high school cheerleader does it to a debate team nerd, and it's boring when you do it on the Slog. In both cases it's boring because it's transparent and because the person who's talking shit and congratulating themselves for being so much more popular than the nerd is too stupid to know how obvious their motives are, and too insecure to be embarrassed about it if they did.
Maybe one of these days we'll meet at Slog Happy and you can dazzle me with your wholly unoriginal "catty gay man" shtick in person.
It's hardly surprising that I know that you carry a knife at all times because "I don't know you"? Um...okay. No. What's surprising is that you, Mr. Judah, took the time to actually respond to me.
A.) I'm not insecure. Anybody here who has met me can tell you that.
B.) Your wordplay isn't incorrect, it's, oh, what's the word? It starts with a B and ends with 3 trillion z's.
C.) I was totally on the debate team! You got me there!
D.) I congratulated myself?! And how! Oh, you're so adorable! In a freakish, sort of tard way. But whatevz. Nobody's perfect, ja?
E.) (I know my alphabetz!):
Don't count on it. If I ever meet you, I'll do exactly what I did to Feit. You don't deserve my attention. You do not intimidate me in the least with your pathetic no-judgment-judgment routine. I will totally beat your ass. And then I'll piss on you. And laugh. All into za night. Hwahohoho!
Want to go to a club where grown men urinate on each other??????????
Years back we used to do the prep work for the LaVey empire's advertising. After Anton died, his would still come in sometimes. On being asked why he did what he did, she responded in a perfect deadpan - "for the money."
And no, I don't see any connection with the conservatives.
wow, gotta love the irony @ 24 that is this:
"It's boring when a bitchy high school cheerleader does it to a debate team nerd, and it's boring when you do it on the Slog. In both cases it's boring because it's transparent and because the person who's talking shit and congratulating themselves for being so much more popular than the nerd is too stupid to know how obvious their motives are, and too insecure to be embarrassed about it if they did."
'cause thats about the most boring put-down (if thats what it was supposed to be) that I've ever read.
Ladies! Please! I demand a modicum of decency! You're both boring, ok? Sheesh!
Also, I'm pretty sure Adrian knows who George Will is. It is just not as funny when he has to spell out every fucking joke to you bitches...
"Conservatives are for freedom"? Unlees your one of the many people they don't believe should have freedom. "Protect you against idealism"? Right wing ideaology is the polar opposite of logic. Old and tired, tried and failed is conservativism.
Satan is an anagram of Santa. Kind of puts a whole different spin on the conversation.
Adrian -- This is about as pointlessly meandering as Erica's Jim Webb post earlier this week. George Will is most sane conservative around, and proclaims himself an agnostic in the clip you post. Hey, y'all, leave the politics to Eli.
You don't know who George Will is?
I wonder if the author of the original article has a cogs factory competing with Spacely Sprockets.
"he delved into Darwin and dived into Disraeli" - Adrian Ryan, you're a delight.
Adrian,
That was brilliant! Please to clean up the minor grammatical discombobulation and make it a feature article for next week's Stranger.
Minor quibble: You left out the importantly trivial detail that Anton LaTurd can be seen in the gatefold of the OG vinyl version of The Eagles' alleged "classic" Hotel California LP. He's up in the balcony. Don Henley et al, also apparently thought that evil was groovy back in the day. What a bunch of dorks.
@33 and 21: Jesus, do you know know what sarcasm is.
Fucking amature hour at the slog today.
OG Monique,
33 and/or 21 do not know know what sarcasm is because they do not know know The No No Man.
Know no Satan, know no peace!
@ 13, dude, yer smoking wwwwaaaaayyyy to much there, you're supposed to share!
thanks to previous posters for pointing out how absurd it is to write on conservatism and act like george will is some boob after thought. you're embarassing yourself.
Yes, i do know what sarcasm is. And, I wasn't assuming Adrian was being serious like you're assuming he (she?) was being sarcastic. This is why I wrote, "Seriously?" at the beginning of my post and probably why #33 wrote his/her post in the form of a question.
I feel very good about winning this argument.
And, yes I am a slog amatuer which explains me checking back hours later to see if anyone responded to my post.
You got a few things right, and several wrong. First of all, LaVeyan Satanism does not involve worshiping Satan. Your claim that he "did his damnedest to exemplify the most vile and wretched leanings of the human situation." is not particularly accurate, either. Many things he considered virtues are things that you likely would consider virtues as well. Also, your assertion that somehow the Constitution declares all of us equal is nonsense, and sneaky rhetoric to boot. We all deserve equal rights and equal protection under the law. *That* is the type of equality espoused by the Constitution. That does not mean we actually *are* equal, in ability, intelligence, or any other area. You are conflating the two different meanings to serve your agenda.
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