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Thursday, June 26, 2008

“…and that led to him masturbating me.”

posted by on June 26 at 9:00 AM


Sorry about tossing this up so very early in the AM, but Tak Landrock—a reporter in Colorado Springs—got his hands on an email that Ted Haggard sent to a friend and supporter. In the email Haggard admits to 1. allowing himself to be masturbated by Mike Jones, and 2. using drugs. But that doesn’t make Haggard gay or anything. Gotta love this part of Haggard’s email:

“It was during the massage that it started to become sensual, and that led to him masturbating me,” writes Haggard. “That was and is our only sexual contact…. During the conversation with Mike during and after the time he masturbated me, he told me about some drugs that he could get for me that would enhance my masturbation experience.”

See? It wasn’t a gay experience, just an innocent massage “led” astray by some mysterious outside—and dudes masturbating dudes is so totally not homosexuality! And Haggard’s friend, er, swallows this. Haggard was a vulnerable sexaholic, Kurt Serpe tells Landrock, not a vile homosexaholic, which is an important distinction out there in the wilds of Colorado Springs. Back to Landrock’s story:

“He craved sex, he was a sexaholic,” says Serpe. He believes it had nothing to do with homosexuality, but more about masturbation and gratification. “This is something that he has been struggling with all of his life,” says Serpe. He says Haggard told him the relationship lasted only three-months, not three years.

Nothing to see here, people—Haggard was only going to Jones for masturbation and gratification, and if there’s one thing we know about gay sex it’s that masturbation or gratification have no place in it.

So good news, America, there’s nothing gay about going to a male escort over a three month/three year period so long as you’re only after masturbation, and none of that gay, gay, gay anal or oral sex—although plenty of oral went went down during Haggard’s visits, according to the far-more-credible Mike Jones.

RSS icon Comments


Sometimes female escorts are really, really difficult to find. Repeatedly. Over three years.

Posted by bronkitis | June 26, 2008 9:07 AM

Tak Landrock? That's a gay porn name if I ever heard one.

Posted by laterite | June 26, 2008 9:11 AM

Nope. He's not gay. Just because you let a male escort masturbate you, over and over again over several years, that doesn't mean you're gay. Not at all. He just couldn't find any female escorts.

Posted by Reverse Polarity | June 26, 2008 9:21 AM

"Tak Landrock? That's a gay porn name if I ever heard one."

A gay porn name of a character on the Flintstones.

Posted by gregg | June 26, 2008 9:22 AM

He's GAY for chissakes! GAY I tells ya!

Posted by Spoogie | June 26, 2008 9:23 AM

I was just a victim. I shot my load across the room when the speed kicked in, but a victim nonetheless. I enjoyed it so much that I risked my career, marriage, and eternal hellfire (eek!) to partake, but can't you see that it wasn't my fault? That bad man reached around and groped me when I wasn't expecting it. I, the victim, was unable to stop this deliciously decadent behavior from occurring. I'm uncertain if he did anything else to me as I was facing the other direction and not able to see what he was penetrating perpetrating. Is it hot in here?

Posted by Reverend Ted | June 26, 2008 9:25 AM

I hate it when I accidently get masturbated by a gay escort! Happened at the supermarket the other day. I just needed bread and milk.

Posted by DJSauvage | June 26, 2008 9:28 AM

'Ted Haggard Is Completely Heterosexual' by Roy Zimmerman:
(posted in April of last year)

Posted by gavastik | June 26, 2008 9:37 AM

I thought masturbation was something you do to yourself.

Posted by hillpagan | June 26, 2008 9:38 AM

this fucking is interesting !!


Posted by WHO DID WHAT TO WHO | June 26, 2008 9:41 AM

Gay? That's not gay. That's just SHARING. Like Jesus.

Posted by Fnarf | June 26, 2008 9:44 AM

I thought the most fascinating part of the email was this: "I was referred to Mike Jones from the concierge at a Marriott hotel when I asked for a masseur." Sorry, but what kind of concierge refers a guest to a gay escort? There are any number of legit masseurs that would have been called rather than Mike Jones. I refuse to believe that Haggard took such a passive role in the selection of Jones.

Posted by kirby | June 26, 2008 9:51 AM

I agree with Fnarf. And, in the words of Derrick Blank: "We squat together. We spot each other on the workout mat and we play grab-ass in the showers. How is that gay?" Indeed.

Posted by Mr. Poe | June 26, 2008 9:51 AM

It was so awful, I was barely able to CUM!

Posted by Mike in MO | June 26, 2008 10:00 AM

Ted has big huge squishy vagina lips! They are just disgusting!

I'm so confused now about what masturbation is.

Posted by No Name | June 26, 2008 10:01 AM

Where oh where are terms defined?

In my little mind a man fucking a man is engaging in "gay sex" but the man fucking the man is not necessarily "gay." That is, I've been led to believe that gay / not gay is something beyond what one does with one's sexual organs in a particular engagement.

Yes, Haggard is some slimly sonuvabitch and more than a bit ridiculous but

Posted by umvue | June 26, 2008 10:02 AM

I am really cruious, do gay men ever get massages from women and get jerked off for the thrill of doing something new and different?

Seriously. Do they?

Posted by Jeff | June 26, 2008 10:09 AM

Great, Dan, thanks for that. Now I'll never be able to let another guy masturbate me again without thinking of Ted Haggard.

You bastard.

Posted by Jay Andrew Allen | June 26, 2008 10:16 AM

Jeff @17. Not THIS gay man. The thought makes me shudder a little. (Which is why I can sort of understand the shudder straights feel when thinking about gays.)

Posted by mjanet | June 26, 2008 10:17 AM

Fnarf -- I'm surprised he didn't use the Golden Rule to justify having reciprocated ("Do Unto Others", and all)...

I just realized that Ted Haggard would be the ultimate shame crush.

Posted by Julie | June 26, 2008 10:18 AM

The only reason we are reading or hearing about Ted Haggard is because he is going to try to start up another church and the more he can distance himself from the whole man-on-man action the better his chances are of having a work-free life. Being a church pastor is a really cushy life, there is no way he is going to give that up without a fight. Look at Jimmy Swaggart.

Posted by Fly-Over Illinois | June 26, 2008 10:18 AM

Being a church pastor isn't a cushy life. Being the "leader" of a mega-church is a cushy life. Do a weekly TV-style performance, and spend the rest of your time in a mansion wearing Rolex watches and driving Bentleys. The actual "pastoring" (counseling troubled members, marriage counselling, mission work, etc.) is done by "assistant" pastors and deacons.

My grandfather was a pastor for small Baptist churches back in the 50's-70's. He did a whole lot more than just make a pretty speech on Sunday: he directly helped people with their daily lives. It's a very stressful calling, and he died of a heart attack in his mid 50's, despite being in good shape.

(I don't subscribe to the Jehovah-based racism/slavery/genocide ideology, but I have seen truly dedicated people help others despite their belief systems.)

Posted by Sir Vic | June 26, 2008 10:31 AM

Ted's denial by passivity reminds me of the onion article that they recently re-posted for gay pride month, "Why do all these homosexuals keep sucking my cock?"

Posted by brian586 | June 26, 2008 10:33 AM

Jesus Christ Dan! That photo of Faggard totally killed my morning sex glow.

Thanks a lot!

Posted by catnextdoor | June 26, 2008 10:39 AM

@22 so sad about granpa dying at an early age and I am sure he was a great guy. The point I am trying to make is that there is no other job a man can get that does not require an education that will give him the authority to harass people for money weekly, will pay for all of his living expenses and will guilt people into forgiving him all of his "sins". Big church, small church, it doesn't matter. Ted Haggard will be the pastor of another church before 2010. He will be "cured" of his gayness and his bubble-head wife will stand by him and talk about how good the sex is. It will happen. Amen

Posted by Fly-Over Illinois | June 26, 2008 10:46 AM

Julie, it's only fair to wank unto others if they have wanked unto you. It's when you start to covet his ass that you turn into a homoe.

Posted by Fnarf | June 26, 2008 10:46 AM

Uh, I'm pretty sure that the term "masturbation" is expressly autoerotic.

Saying that "someone masturbated you" is like saying you helped someone commit suicide by killing them.

Posted by K | June 26, 2008 10:59 AM

Fnarf - I've just started a needlepoint sampler with that saying: "Wank Unto Others as You Would Have Them Wank Unto You".

Posted by Julie | June 26, 2008 11:04 AM

I was masturbated by a gay escort at the produce aisle at the 15th Ave Safeway just last night.

One of the pitfalls/perks of life in the homohood...

Posted by michael strangeways | June 26, 2008 11:07 AM

Julie, "as you would have them" is wrong -- that doesn't sound like adult consent to me. Your massage therapist may not be too pleased if you start on them first. Depending on which supermarket you're at, of course.

Posted by Fnarf | June 26, 2008 11:17 AM

My dick-tionaries say "masturbation" is self-induced or it happens with others. You could also say "mutual masturbation", I suppose.

That makes the word "masturbation" bi, you know.....

Posted by Hartiepie | June 26, 2008 11:56 AM

So sexaholics just can't help themselves from doing anything with anybody? That is an excuse that is going to come in handy for every sex scandal from now on. I can hear Larry Craig typing up his version right now.

Posted by inkweary | June 26, 2008 12:05 PM

@25 No offense taken. I just wanted to point out that a mega-church isn't like "real" churches. There is usually very little doctrine involved, just a feel-good experience that keeps the masses tame. The smaller churches survive because the members have a lot of beliefs in common, not because it's a good show to see on Sundays.

I totally agree that pastor is one of those gigs you can get without any training: I've seen way too many hillbillies that "put on airs" and start talking like Bill Buckley to fool people into thinking they are intelligent. Seems like there are more of those than not. (My grandpa had a real job as a high school teacher, Marine Reserve Sgt., and a GI Bill degree from Oklahoma Baptist College, which was a real school at the time. He shouldn't be the exception to the rule, but it seems like he was.)

Ted Faggard will certainly have a new church soon, as those mega-churches are mostly personality cults that prey upon the weak-minded. Wonder what the cum-union service will be like?

Posted by Sir Vic | June 26, 2008 12:26 PM

Being a pastor is NOT a cushy life for most, believe me, and there are many ministers and places (striving to be) not in the least like the ones you describe. And there are some of us who have turned down huge promotions in which we may have actually made a more decent living when we were asked to just "not be so vocal" on our pro glbt stances, and who speak out on your behalf every day. I am seriously sorry though that you have experienced ministers who behave that way. No minister is perfect by any means, and no church is either, but not all ministers are swindling, bigoted liars. I think this is just another CLASSIC (and down right ridiculous) example of what he can't face in himself, screaming loudest against it, lest no one guess the truth. The closer the truth is to becoming known, the larger and sillier the lie becomes. How sad that the truth threatens rejection for him. How sad that he can't be braver and face possible rejection anyway, and then speak for others in the name of a greater love. You can't tell me Jesus would've been down with his self hatred and you'll never convince me that Jesus (or pick your diety) can't love him. A God that obsesses with who is doing whom and how seems pretty much forced into a human image to me, and while I love Savage Love, People magazine, D-List, etc., I hope God is bigger than me and has things like, oh, the hundreds of thousands of AIDS orphans destitute on the continent of Africa, as a priority. On another note, however, We actually need MORE people like you speaking out IN our churches, synagogues, mosques, what have you, helping us to get past this goofy fear stuff, and get on with doing the good things we sometimes actually can pull off doing in the name of a higher power's love. It really sucks that you have not been welcomed and have had to endure experiences with ministers like this. There's nothing wrong with you; I know you don't need my validation, but in the name of others who have failed to give it to you, wrongly, or made you feel like there is something wrong with you, you aren't worthy/capable of serving, being in a committed relationship or existing I'm truly sorry. Sermon ended. (and it's not even Sunday! LOL)

Posted by dawicksta | June 26, 2008 12:44 PM

I think Carrot Top is still a more shameful crush than Ted Haggard.

Posted by leek | June 26, 2008 12:55 PM

@33 Very little doctrine involved? Uh, no. Most megachurches have very rigidly-defined doctrine that the "good Christians" are expected to adhere to at all times. Why? Because the kind of person who empties their wallet in the offering bucket every Sunday at a place like Haggard's church is the kind of person who would gladly embrace a set of strict rules and structure for every aspect of their lives, so they don't have to ask the tough questions themselves.

I know it looks like they're only there for the spectacle, but really they're just terrified of making their own moral decisions and would rather have a guy like Haggard tell them what right and wrong is.

Posted by Hernandez | June 26, 2008 1:04 PM

@35. Wow. Carrot Top. That's a good one. It's a toss up...

Posted by Julie | June 26, 2008 1:49 PM

THAT WASN'T ME. Just what someone said in the shame crush post yesterday.

Posted by leek | June 26, 2008 2:03 PM

@25 and 33: Agreed. First, he will gig at Jesus Camp (the film of same was the source of that swell photo, yes Dan?)

Posted by Emma's bee | June 26, 2008 2:04 PM

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