Not because he rushed the mound in tonight’s Mariners-Rangers game (which we lost 5-0 in absolutely pitiful fashion), but because he was such a chickenshit, he kicked the fight off by using his helmet as a weapon.

To recap: The Rangers had been hit by errant pitches twice in the early going of the game. After the second M’s wild throw, one of the Rangers jawed a little with Johjima, then took his base. When the fourth inning began, I mentioned to my friend that this game was pretty interesting so far—the Rangers had been lighting up the scoreboard, and the tension was mounting to the point where “a fight’s gonna break out any second.” Sure enough, the next pitch to Mariners first baseman Richie Sexson was a little high, so he made a mad dash to the mound. Rangers’ pitcher Kason Gabbard held his ground and lowered his body to brace for impact. Maybe by leaning forward, Gabbard revealed a bullseye on his forehead? Not sure, but Sexson decided his best tactic was taking his helmet off and chucking it full-blast at the bracing pitcher, nailing him square in the back (coincidentally, Gabbard had just been on the disabled list for lower back spasms, yeesh).

If Sexson had charged the mound wielding a bat, every news outlet in the nation would cream itself over the video. But from the look of it, nobody cares that he threw a helmet. News flash—a baseball helmet is heavy enough. Thick. Constructed to block and push back the force of a 100+ MPH fastball that might otherwise puree a batter’s brains. Whether you want to call Sexson’s decision cowardly or deliberately painful, it should be punished severely—particularly since replays proved that he was nowhere near getting hit by that pitch. Go ahead, watch it. What if that stupid helmet throw clocked the guy in the head and really did some damage over absolutely nothing? Being out for blood is fun and all, Sexson, but maybe you should worry more about your .209 batting average.

Not that I didn’t get a kick out of seeing each bench and bullpen pour into the field—there’s something kind of magical about watching both teams’ bullpen staffs run the full length of a baseball outfield side-by-side, as if two warring bands of superheroes have to unite against a common enemy for one brief, beautiful, Saturday morning half-hour. The fight was also made better by my Nintendo DS, which I brought to, again, try out the Nintendo Fan Network. This is where its replay feature came in handy; about eight people gathered around post-fight to watch the errant pitch, initial mound rush, and bench-clearing fracas for a good five minutes. Another useful new feature—live traffic maps of the Seattle area that you can check before getting into the car. Seriously.

I have to wonder if there was catnip or something in the air, because in the eighth inning, the guy sitting next to me tried to pick a fight of his own. He made some weird comment about All-Star Game voting ballots that had been handed out earlier, so I tried handing him one, thinking he needed it. He called me “a funny guy” and asked if I could also give him 42 cents to mail the thing off. When I turned away to ignore him and watch the game, he yelled, “What’s the matter? Cat got your tongue, Mr. Hilarious?”

What the hell do you say to something as stupid as that? Say nothing, and you come off like a wimp. Respond with a retort, and you come off like a total douchebag. I went with the meek route, but Paul Constant, you’re coming with me next game to offer manly guidance.