Drinking spaghetti sauce straight from the jar is perhaps the most manly thing I've ever seen. Although it brought my lunch up a little.

@1: It brought my lunch up a little, too. And, for the record, even I voted for Kelly O.

Genius, you fools!

Kelly O by a mile. That shit was hot.

Though, to his credit, Paul pointing to an engine part and calling it a "mnemonic device" made me laugh out loud.

@1, I could not agree with you more.

Of course, I also agree with @5.

You're coming to Slog Happy dressed like that, right Paul?

The mustache, and the game-winning burp right before the buzzer did it for me. Kelly O got my vote. She even listed more engine parts correctly!

Paul, judges liked your execution, as well as your posture. The score came out 7,7,7,7, and the Russians gave you a 5.

paul has a penis. kelly does not. game over.

I was gonna vote for Paul, but the fact that he didn't come close to shotgunning the beer correctly made me change my mind. I gave it to Kelly.

@9: Clearly, you did not read the article. Which was excellent, by the way.

Kelly O is a girl acted like a gay boy who was acting like a straight boy. Nerk! Paul, on the other hand, is a gay boy who was acting like a straight boy. Winnah! One less step and much more economical. But Kelly O's tattoos are way better.

Paul is straight.

Is it just me or does Kelly O with a moustache look like Nick Cave?

All I know is, the push-ups were atrocious all around- Paul, unless you're attracting tops, you need to keep your ass down... And Knee push-ups Kelly-O? My momma could do better than that!

...of course my momma is a 6'4" linebacker who delivered me herself while running a marathon, but whatevs.

Kelly O seems way more AWESOME, but Paul Constant is way more man; just the way he acted. Also, did he identify an engine part as a marmoset? You crazy Washingtonians with your Green everything.

I'm gonna go chug some Prego. With meat in it.

What about a baby in a backpack? That is what ultimately makes you a man.

Kelly may be more traditionally "manly," but Paul makes me hot every time and with every word. My love is Constant.

must be a white thang.

So, that is what a life devoted to literature looks like? It's a wonder anyone reads anything anymore.

A great video and Paul's piece was great too, I could identify with a lot of it. I voted for Kelly O though.

The article is astounding and wonderful. The video, well, I'll have to watch that when I get home. But I can't imagine thinking of Kelly O as anything but a girl's girl no matter what she can do with a Crescent wrench or a jar of spaghetti sauce.

@21 That was a low blow.

Keep reading Paul- some of us like a man with some extra padding!

Paul, hands down. Kelly you were trying too hard. Being a man is all about minimal effort with maximum return.

Kicker for me was that Paul drank all his beer and chugged the preggers.

That was pretty hilarious and I think Kelly won but not by much. You're both pretty sad examples of testosterone-fueled beef golems. I'd rate you at 2 and 1 respectively on the Man-o-meter.

Learn to swing a hammer.

If Kelly O is the manliest, then I might just be gay. The womanizing part was the funniest.

That brightened up my day considerably. Thanks!

Chugging the Prego was gross, definitely a guy thing. And I hereby cede my title as Paul's stalker to Patricia @19, she's way more poetic about it.

No he-manly farting? You're both disqualified!

Paul is so presch!

And Kelly you're a great character actor

good stuff all around

I'm sorry, Kelly O is not a man, because even I want to do her.

Mind you, after I was over being drunk enough, I would probably leave and pretend it never happened ...

I'm going to vote Michigan-style: "uncommitted".

Kelly's mustache wins by a nose.

Kelly's mustache wins by a nOse.

@33: What an incredible comment. I have a feeling that what you'd really be doing is asking your attorney to go back to the scene of the crime and see if he can find any of your teeth lying around.

Like this guy:
http://mugshotdujour.com/florida/john-allsbrook-domestic-violence-4172008

Tell you what: The both of them need to take over Evening Magazine from that bronzed manque John Curley. I would break my damn neck getting home every night to watch P & K, in man-drag, interviewing Local People of Interest. Maybe getting arrested from time to time. Oh yes, this is good TV.

Does Kelly O really have a Unibrow?

What a fucking ripoff. Neither Paul nor Kelly used a corpse's head to smoke pot with. Bullshit! Bullshit! Rematch! Rematch!

also, fuck michigan constant!

Clarkj's typo nanny self-correction (@36 & @36) wins by a unibrow.

If The Stranger needs a new copy editor, they know where to go.

I meant to say (@35 & @36), but phucked up on purpose just so I could imitate Clarkj.

BTW, is that actually Clarkj Kentj, alter-ego of the true manliest man ever, namely, Supermanj?

A real man would have used a skull as a drinking cup.

Remember, you can never be too pretty. Look at me - I'm always pretty. I'm too pretty. I do what I want. I say what I want. Because I'm pretty. Because I'm too pretty.

Will in Seattle,

A real real man would have been born with a beer bong for a skull.

@13
Wow, Dan. Who'd a thunk?
(Work precluded a more timely reply)

This is a toughie, but here's my post-contest analysis:

1. Since no promised car repair occured, but merely (mostly incorrect) identification of car parts I score - 2 each

2. Even being very forgiving and qualifying "pounding a nail into a 2x4" as "carpentry" (What, no rabbiting? No mortise-and-tenon work? No framing or routing or joining? Bah!), both of you's swing those pathetic 12-oz hammers like little girls - 1 each.

3. Push-ups - ugh! 'nuff said - 1 each.

4. Now we're getting somewhere! +1 to Kelly for opening the jar, +4 to Paul for opening it faster, and chugging a healthy three or four ounces to boot.

5. This was obviously a rigged contest, as it is a scientific fact that NO HUMAN BEING has the uppper arm strength to actually open a package of Oberto Beef Jerkey - 1 for Kelly, 0 points for Paul, who appeared to have gobbled down more from his adulterated package.

6. Another toss-up since it's not at all clear either of them were in fact hustling women. Next time, make sure we see the objects of their objectification 0 score for both.

7. Arm-farts - 1 to Kelly who appeared to be attempting a breast-fart instead, and zero score for Paul who wasn't able to produce an audible sound.

8. Beer shotgunning - 2 to Kelly, who didn't even know which hole to try to drink from. 1 point awarded to Paul for persistence, and a nice Belushi-style forehead crush dismount.

Final Score:

Kelly O - 7 Paul C 1

Although overall both were pretty poor examples of masculinity, Paul still managed to uphold (nominally) his right to call himself "manly".

Next Week on "Man-Off": Brendan Kiley versus ECB. Featured events will include, "Smelling Thing From The Fridge Eating Constest", "Name That Muscle-Car", "Pull-Ups", "Chewing Tobacco Target Spitting", "Diagraming a 'Skinny Post Play Action Pass From The Shotgun'", and "The Keg Stand".

i just fell in love a little bit

Kelly is funny as hell. But she still has girlishness.

Paul may not have manish interests or act aggressively scratch & spit male, but still acts like a boy. Paul wins, to me. I have always prefered boys like Paul.

@47: the very first sentence of the linked article begins "I'm a straight guy".

Video no longer available?!!!

REMATCH!!!!

Kelly O, you look crazy hot with a mustache. I am appalled, however, that neither of you knew how to correctly shotgun a beer. Steinbacher shoulda quit chuckling on the sidelines and showed you what time it is.

The telltale sign of a true man is his ability to dress like a woman and still pull some tail. That's why I dress in a mesh belly shirt and cut-offs with the pockets hanging out the bottom. Anybody wanna go for a ride in my dune buggy??