Slog News & Arts

Line Out

Music & Nightlife

« SIFF Official Guide Out Now | Science Gets Skunked »

Thursday, May 8, 2008

Man-Off 2008

posted by on May 8 at 12:24 PM

Paul Constant wrote an excellent feature this week, on what makes a man masculine. It really got me thinking—who is the bigger man? Paul, or me, Kelly O? To figure it out, we held The Stranger’s First Annual Man-Off yesterday. Competitions included car engine repair, carpentry, push-ups, opening jars of spaghetti sauce, Oberto brand beef jerky, womanizing, and, of course, BEER. We’re still not sure who won. Maybe you should help us decide.

Who’s the bigger man?

RSS icon Comments


Drinking spaghetti sauce straight from the jar is perhaps the most manly thing I've ever seen. Although it brought my lunch up a little.

Posted by mjanet | May 8, 2008 12:29 PM

@1: It brought my lunch up a little, too. And, for the record, even I voted for Kelly O.

Posted by Paul Constant | May 8, 2008 12:31 PM

Genius, you fools!

Posted by mike | May 8, 2008 12:36 PM

Kelly O by a mile. That shit was hot.

Posted by Aislinn | May 8, 2008 12:38 PM

Though, to his credit, Paul pointing to an engine part and calling it a "mnemonic device" made me laugh out loud.

Posted by Aislinn | May 8, 2008 12:40 PM

@1, I could not agree with you more.

Of course, I also agree with @5.

Posted by Jen | May 8, 2008 12:43 PM

You're coming to Slog Happy dressed like that, right Paul?

Posted by w7ngman | May 8, 2008 12:43 PM

The mustache, and the game-winning burp right before the buzzer did it for me. Kelly O got my vote. She even listed more engine parts correctly!

Paul, judges liked your execution, as well as your posture. The score came out 7,7,7,7, and the Russians gave you a 5.

Posted by godsactionfigure | May 8, 2008 12:44 PM

paul has a penis. kelly does not. game over.

Posted by max solomon | May 8, 2008 12:50 PM

I was gonna vote for Paul, but the fact that he didn't come close to shotgunning the beer correctly made me change my mind. I gave it to Kelly.

Posted by Mike of Renton | May 8, 2008 12:52 PM

@9: Clearly, you did not read the article. Which was excellent, by the way.

Posted by Aislinn | May 8, 2008 12:54 PM

Kelly O is a girl acted like a gay boy who was acting like a straight boy. Nerk! Paul, on the other hand, is a gay boy who was acting like a straight boy. Winnah! One less step and much more economical. But Kelly O's tattoos are way better.

Posted by Spoogie | May 8, 2008 12:56 PM

Paul is straight.

Posted by Dan Savage | May 8, 2008 12:58 PM

Is it just me or does Kelly O with a moustache look like Nick Cave?

Posted by The Artist Formerly Known As Sigourney Beaver | May 8, 2008 1:00 PM

All I know is, the push-ups were atrocious all around- Paul, unless you're attracting tops, you need to keep your ass down... And Knee push-ups Kelly-O? My momma could do better than that!

Posted by UNPAID BLOGGER | May 8, 2008 1:01 PM

...of course my momma is a 6'4" linebacker who delivered me herself while running a marathon, but whatevs.

Posted by UNPAID BLOGGER | May 8, 2008 1:12 PM

Kelly O seems way more AWESOME, but Paul Constant is way more man; just the way he acted. Also, did he identify an engine part as a marmoset? You crazy Washingtonians with your Green everything.

I'm gonna go chug some Prego. With meat in it.

Posted by Fe Man | May 8, 2008 1:13 PM

What about a baby in a backpack? That is what ultimately makes you a man.

Posted by elenchos | May 8, 2008 1:16 PM

Kelly may be more traditionally "manly," but Paul makes me hot every time and with every word. My love is Constant.

Posted by Patricia | May 8, 2008 1:17 PM

must be a white thang.

Posted by SeMe | May 8, 2008 1:19 PM

So, that is what a life devoted to literature looks like? It's a wonder anyone reads anything anymore.

Posted by umvue | May 8, 2008 1:22 PM

A great video and Paul's piece was great too, I could identify with a lot of it. I voted for Kelly O though.

Posted by sortaaboy | May 8, 2008 1:24 PM

The article is astounding and wonderful. The video, well, I'll have to watch that when I get home. But I can't imagine thinking of Kelly O as anything but a girl's girl no matter what she can do with a Crescent wrench or a jar of spaghetti sauce.

Posted by Fnarf | May 8, 2008 1:39 PM

@21 That was a low blow.

Keep reading Paul- some of us like a man with some extra padding!

Posted by UNPAID BLOGGER | May 8, 2008 1:47 PM

Paul, hands down. Kelly you were trying too hard. Being a man is all about minimal effort with maximum return.

Kicker for me was that Paul drank all his beer and chugged the preggers.

Posted by drew | May 8, 2008 1:54 PM

That was pretty hilarious and I think Kelly won but not by much. You're both pretty sad examples of testosterone-fueled beef golems. I'd rate you at 2 and 1 respectively on the Man-o-meter.

Posted by Dave M | May 8, 2008 1:54 PM

Learn to swing a hammer.

Posted by six shooter | May 8, 2008 1:58 PM

If Kelly O is the manliest, then I might just be gay. The womanizing part was the funniest.

Posted by Patrick | May 8, 2008 2:09 PM

That brightened up my day considerably. Thanks!

Posted by kid icarus | May 8, 2008 2:12 PM

Chugging the Prego was gross, definitely a guy thing. And I hereby cede my title as Paul's stalker to Patricia @19, she's way more poetic about it.

Posted by PopTart | May 8, 2008 2:13 PM

No he-manly farting? You're both disqualified!

Posted by BoeingBoeing | May 8, 2008 2:19 PM

Paul is so presch!

And Kelly you're a great character actor

good stuff all around

Posted by Non | May 8, 2008 2:20 PM

I'm sorry, Kelly O is not a man, because even I want to do her.

Mind you, after I was over being drunk enough, I would probably leave and pretend it never happened ...

Posted by Will in Seattle | May 8, 2008 2:40 PM

I'm going to vote Michigan-style: "uncommitted".

Posted by Eric F | May 8, 2008 2:42 PM

Kelly's mustache wins by a nose.

Posted by Clarkj | May 8, 2008 2:51 PM

Kelly's mustache wins by a nOse.

Posted by clarkj | May 8, 2008 2:52 PM

@33: What an incredible comment. I have a feeling that what you'd really be doing is asking your attorney to go back to the scene of the crime and see if he can find any of your teeth lying around.

Like this guy:

Posted by Fnarf | May 8, 2008 3:01 PM

Tell you what: The both of them need to take over Evening Magazine from that bronzed manque John Curley. I would break my damn neck getting home every night to watch P & K, in man-drag, interviewing Local People of Interest. Maybe getting arrested from time to time. Oh yes, this is good TV.

Posted by Gully Foyle | May 8, 2008 3:06 PM

Does Kelly O really have a Unibrow?

Posted by Bellevue Ave | May 8, 2008 3:30 PM

What a fucking ripoff. Neither Paul nor Kelly used a corpse's head to smoke pot with. Bullshit! Bullshit! Rematch! Rematch!

Posted by Manwich Manhunt | May 8, 2008 3:30 PM

also, fuck michigan constant!

Posted by Bellevue Ave | May 8, 2008 3:34 PM

Clarkj's typo nanny self-correction (@36 & @36) wins by a unibrow.

If The Stranger needs a new copy editor, they know where to go.

Posted by Jeff Stevens | May 8, 2008 3:36 PM

I meant to say (@35 & @36), but phucked up on purpose just so I could imitate Clarkj.

BTW, is that actually Clarkj Kentj, alter-ego of the true manliest man ever, namely, Supermanj?

Posted by Jeff Stevens | May 8, 2008 3:41 PM

A real man would have used a skull as a drinking cup.

Posted by Will in Seattle | May 8, 2008 3:43 PM

Remember, you can never be too pretty. Look at me - I'm always pretty. I'm too pretty. I do what I want. I say what I want. Because I'm pretty. Because I'm too pretty.

Posted by Tim Hardaway | May 8, 2008 3:49 PM

Will in Seattle,

A real real man would have been born with a beer bong for a skull.

Posted by Jeff Stevens | May 8, 2008 3:52 PM

Wow, Dan. Who'd a thunk?
(Work precluded a more timely reply)

Posted by Spoogie | May 8, 2008 4:30 PM

This is a toughie, but here's my post-contest analysis:

1. Since no promised car repair occured, but merely (mostly incorrect) identification of car parts I score - 2 each

2. Even being very forgiving and qualifying "pounding a nail into a 2x4" as "carpentry" (What, no rabbiting? No mortise-and-tenon work? No framing or routing or joining? Bah!), both of you's swing those pathetic 12-oz hammers like little girls - 1 each.

3. Push-ups - ugh! 'nuff said - 1 each.

4. Now we're getting somewhere! +1 to Kelly for opening the jar, +4 to Paul for opening it faster, and chugging a healthy three or four ounces to boot.

5. This was obviously a rigged contest, as it is a scientific fact that NO HUMAN BEING has the uppper arm strength to actually open a package of Oberto Beef Jerkey - 1 for Kelly, 0 points for Paul, who appeared to have gobbled down more from his adulterated package.

6. Another toss-up since it's not at all clear either of them were in fact hustling women. Next time, make sure we see the objects of their objectification 0 score for both.

7. Arm-farts - 1 to Kelly who appeared to be attempting a breast-fart instead, and zero score for Paul who wasn't able to produce an audible sound.

8. Beer shotgunning - 2 to Kelly, who didn't even know which hole to try to drink from. 1 point awarded to Paul for persistence, and a nice Belushi-style forehead crush dismount.

Final Score:

Kelly O - 7 Paul C 1

Although overall both were pretty poor examples of masculinity, Paul still managed to uphold (nominally) his right to call himself "manly".

Next Week on "Man-Off": Brendan Kiley versus ECB. Featured events will include, "Smelling Thing From The Fridge Eating Constest", "Name That Muscle-Car", "Pull-Ups", "Chewing Tobacco Target Spitting", "Diagraming a 'Skinny Post Play Action Pass From The Shotgun'", and "The Keg Stand".

Posted by COMTE | May 8, 2008 4:34 PM

i just fell in love a little bit

Posted by el | May 8, 2008 4:34 PM

Kelly is funny as hell. But she still has girlishness.

Paul may not have manish interests or act aggressively scratch & spit male, but still acts like a boy. Paul wins, to me. I have always prefered boys like Paul.

Posted by tabletop_joe | May 8, 2008 4:50 PM

@47: the very first sentence of the linked article begins "I'm a straight guy".

Posted by Fnarf | May 8, 2008 5:18 PM

Video no longer available?!!!


Posted by cunei4m | May 8, 2008 6:49 PM

Kelly O, you look crazy hot with a mustache. I am appalled, however, that neither of you knew how to correctly shotgun a beer. Steinbacher shoulda quit chuckling on the sidelines and showed you what time it is.

Posted by kerri harrop | May 8, 2008 11:57 PM

The telltale sign of a true man is his ability to dress like a woman and still pull some tail. That's why I dress in a mesh belly shirt and cut-offs with the pockets hanging out the bottom. Anybody wanna go for a ride in my dune buggy??

Posted by Tucker | May 12, 2008 1:19 PM

Comments Closed

In order to combat spam, we are no longer accepting comments on this post (or any post more than 14 days old).