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Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Tomorrow’s News from PA, Today

posted by on April 22 at 15:45 PM

Unfortunately, tonight’s results from the Democratic primary in Pennsylvania won’t be in by The Stranger’s print deadline. Our way around this problem? A printed Mad Lib in the upcoming issue that will allow you to have the political analysis and insight that you’ve come to rely on—provided you fill in a few blanks.

But it occurs to me now that this Mad Lib works for both the pre-primary present and the post-primary future. So as we all await the results from Pennsylvania, expected after 5 p.m. PST, have a go at predicting the news and what it will mean. Just copy the below, paste it into a comment box, and replace the bracketed parts of speech with words of your own. Then hit post and show the world how prescient (or hilarious) you are.

[Hillary Clinton/Barack Obama] won the Pennsylvania Democratic primary on April 22 in an [adjective] victory that [verb, past tense] expectations and showed that the fight for the party’s nomination is likely to [adjectives, nouns, verbs, some of each, whatever it takes].

Speaking at a rally in Philadelphia after the results were in, Hillary Clinton told supporters that she was [adjective] by the outcome [and/but] would never [verb] from her [adjective, then noun] to [verb] this country.

“The [adjective] people of Pennsylvania have sent a message,” Clinton said. “They want me to [verb], and I intend to do just that.”

Barack Obama, who was expected to lose and spent primary night at a campaign rally in southern Indiana, told the crowd that he was [adjective] by the turnout in Pennsylvania and that the results showed his campaign had [verb past tense] the [noun] and [verb past tense] the [plural noun].

“We knew from the beginning that this was going to be [adjective],” Obama said. “Tonight we showed that the [adjective] people of Pennsylvania want [noun], even though [adjectives, nouns, verbs, some of each, whatever it takes]. I hope Senator Clinton will [verb] and I look forward to [verb] the [noun] with her.”

Exit polls showed that rural voters had [verb] Clinton in droves, and that a majority were [adjective] by Obama’s controversial remarks, made at a San Francisco fundraiser, that suggested rural people were [adjective] about guns and religion because they were “bitter” about getting [adjective] by the economic [noun] of the past few years.

Turnout among younger voters was [adjective], helping [Hillary Clinton/Barack Obama] considerably, while turnout among African-American voters was [adjective]. Blue-collar voters were [adjective] about Clinton, while older white voters were [adjective] about Obama.

[Noun], a home-economics teacher in Scranton, said after voting at [noun] that she had made her decision based largely on [adjectives, nouns, verbs, some of each, whatever it takes].

“I just think that [Hillary Clinton/Barack Obama] doesn’t care enough about [noun],” she said. “As a [adjective] American I just can’t support someone who would [verb] the [noun] at a time when so many [plural noun] are [verb, then adjective].”

In Philadelphia, which is far more [adjective], Obama [verb, past tense] among [adjective] voters.

“We need [Hillary Clinton/Barack Obama],” said [noun], a taxicab driver who was voting in his [number] election. “I am so [adjective] about [noun] that I just can’t [verb] anymore.”

Pennsylvania governor Edward G. Rendell, who had been a strong supporter of Clinton during the campaign in his state, said he would now [verb] for [noun] as much as possible.

“It’s been made very clear to me,” Rendell told reporters. “People want [Hillary Clinton/Barack Obama] and I’m going to do everything I can to make sure [Hillary Clinton/Barack Obama] becomes the next president of the United States.”

RSS icon Comments

1

No adverbs?

Posted by arduous | April 22, 2008 3:53 PM
2

Cool, I'll now have far fewer nouns, verbs and adjectives that I'll need to read tomorrow!

Posted by NapoleonXIV | April 22, 2008 3:58 PM
3

Hillary Clinton barely won the Pennsylvania Democratic primary on April 22 in an underperforming victory that failed to meet expectations and showed that the fight for the party’s nomination is likely to bore the pants off all but the McCain campaign supporters.

Speaking at a rally in Philadelphia after the results were in, Hillary Clinton told supporters that she was awed by the outcome and would never swerve from her crazed campaign to shock this country.

“The non-voting people of Pennsylvania have sent a message,” Clinton said. “They want me to keep serving up McCain campaign ads, and I intend to do just that.”

Barack Obama, who was expected to lose and spent primary night at a campaign rally in southern Indiana, told the crowd that he was gratified by the turnout in Pennsylvania and that the results showed his campaign had held off the attacks and surprised the elitist media.

“We knew from the beginning that this was going to be tough,” Obama said. “Tonight we showed that the hard-working people of Pennsylvania want perogies, even though we got them hoagies. I hope Senator Clinton will enjoy being Ambassador to Greenland and I look forward to confounding the media elites with her.”

Exit polls showed that rural voters had ignored Clinton in droves, and that a majority were non-plussed by Obama’s controversial remarks, made at a San Francisco fundraiser, that suggested rural people were distracted about guns and religion because they were “bitter” about getting screwed by the economic rape of the past few years.

Turnout among younger voters was off the charts, helping Barack Obama considerably, while turnout among African-American voters was historically high. Blue-collar voters were not impressed about Clinton, while older white voters were scared about Obama.

Ighmael Schwartz, a home-economics teacher in Scranton, said after voting at her mosque that she had made her decision based largely on the continuing downwards spiral of the Bush/McCain tax cuts for the super-rich.

“I just think that Hillary Clinton doesn’t care enough about Israel and Palestine,” she said. “As a multi-ethnic American I just can’t support someone who would nuke the Middle East at a time when so many Israelis and Palestinians are looking for a peaceful solution.”

In Philadelphia, which is far more friendly, Obama scored great gains among infrequent voters.

“We need Barack Obama,” said John Stanford, a taxicab driver who was voting in his 20th election. “I am so tired about pandering that I just can’t vote Republican anymore.”

Pennsylvania governor Edward G. Rendell, who had been a strong supporter of Clinton during the campaign in his state, said he would now stop working for the Devil as much as possible.

“It’s been made very clear to me,” Rendell told reporters. “People want Barack Obama and I’m going to do everything I can to make sure the eventual nominee becomes the next president of the United States.”

Posted by Will in Seattle | April 22, 2008 4:02 PM
4

"...he was [adjective] by the turnout in Pennsylvania..."

I recommend you do some investigative reporting on this emerging new technology called "transitive verbs." They may prove useful to people who do things for a living like, oh I don't know, write.

Posted by mattymatt | April 22, 2008 4:22 PM
5
Posted by elenchos | April 22, 2008 4:40 PM
6

You have a print edition?

Posted by jr | April 22, 2008 4:41 PM
7

Thank god Annie's cat came back.

Posted by Will in Seattle | April 22, 2008 5:17 PM

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