TV Law & Order: SVU Is the Most Gratuitous Show on Television
posted by April 7 at 15:12 PMon
Here is a simple list of last night’s episode’s major plot points:
• A bee-yootiful woman is found in an elevator shaft in a ballgown. She has been strangled with her own pantyhose and her breasts have been cut off. She has not been raped. (“Why would he kill her and not rape her?” is the big question so far.)
• Said woman is covered in schist! Schist! This somehow leads to a tape of her climbing a wall in the ballgown with a bunch of other people dressed as dandies. The leader—maybe he killed her! He’s got a moustache!
• Nope, he left her at the bar, where she was roofied.
• The bartender saw her leave with a very generic looking man. A man! He’s the criminal!
• They get hundreds of tips telling them it’s the local newsanchor. (“He’s got an alibi. He was on Teevee!” the detectives mutter, unhappily.)
• They connect the pattern of her murder with a Hannibal Lecter-like serial killer. He’s got an alibi, unfortch! He’s in jail! He leers at them when they talk to him.
• They catch the generic-looking man! He’s not guilty but he’s obsessed with the serial killer. What a coincidence.
• Hey, remember the (bee-yootiful) bartender? She got kidnapped. Dang! But, in an artistic vision, the kidnapper made her blood into the shape of the Venus deMilo! They showed us a side-by-side comparison on a high-tech screen.
• Race to find her. The serial killer’s pattern says that she’s got only twelve more hours to live!
• Someone pizza box-bombs the office, giving the sergeant the opportunity to say, “Benson, you’re off the case.”
• The serial killer has a comic book series! And there are four more murders in the comic series, and the ballgown woman (remember her?) looks just like the woman on the cover. And the Venus deMilo blood! That’s in there, too.
• Whew, found the bartender just in time, although she was strapped near-naked to a mattress, surrounded by rats. And she’s cut all up on her chest. But her titties are intact (thank god!).
• Oh wait! The bartender! She’s also an intern at a law firm and she’s been visiting the serial killer! She’s part of the cult of people obsessed with him.
• Oh wait! Benson (she’s off the case, you know), was going home and the guy who bombed the office is waiting for her there with a knife! Good thing she can kick his ass (in a sexy, sexy fight).
• Oh wait! The bartender’s dad was the serial killer’s best friend, and she visits him so she can sleep with him. And kill for him.
• Case closed! Good job, everyone.
I’m pretty sure that’s everything that has ever happened, on any police procedural television show, ever.