Comments on I Defy You To Read This and Not Think of Mitt Romney

Well, masturbation is like sinful and all. You have to be careful or you'll end up burning in hell with all those dope smokers and faggots and other perverts. Sheesh, I thought everyone knew that.

Nothing wrong with being Germany - they have lots of sex too.

5280 - have you enlisted yet?

oh.
so that's why you see so many men taking their loose change to the change counter at Safeway on a Sunday morning...

Why the hell would anyone want to belong to a religion that wouldn't let you masturbate? Makes it a bit hard (ahem) to recruit, doesn't it?

Explains why those Mormon guys I slept with in high school had such huge loads, that just kept comming and comming.

Dear Readers and viewers... who cares if he's got a thingy in his geeingy...if it feels good then it must be ok right?

The real issue here...according to the USA today paper headline today page 10 A, is gun control in the parks...

A very real threat when you consider prowling attacks of bears in your neighborhood squandering valuable votes
in the lastest demographic poll for horn rage on Aurora Ave.

Speaking of horn rage...don't miss the Monday edition of The Everett Herald Newspaper... (Seattle sports fans with frequent flyer miles take special notes here...) as I'm sure you will also see small but tiny tell tale signs of the same story repeated over and over so the morgatge industry isn't caught in bed with the drama queen who's donning pop tarts in the sani-can on third and elephant avenue... remember to eat your cheer leaders brownies while you can because it's all going into the secret files and there's not a damn thing we can do about it until we get trade reform solved with the weapons manufacturers golden retirement plan in the FCC Chairman's new barristas pet chijuawau's entiltelment dogfood coupon buried in next years appendix and bibliography of a tax loop you'll never investigate cause your not rich.... filthy rich that is... black gold... texas tea.

That's right it's the mamagrams on steroids and anyone can make up a headline and send it in to be anaylized by the secret service before the NSA is done gather up what it needs to protect your interests as law abiding tax payers...

dissenters need not apply if you want free cash from social services if you have concealed weapons permit and you don't take your meds.

p.s.

take your meds and make more art... as in creative displays of affection in unusual mediums and put them everywhere you can even if you can't get in to a gallery or a thousand dollar a plate fundraiser....
viva la' mexicali rose!!!!!

Sublimating the urge to masturbate with food? God judges you, but FOOD DOESN'T! Let it comfort you!

Sounds like a totally healthy habit for young people to adopt.

I have this new thing set up that text messages me every 20 minutes with a reminder not to think about masturbation. It's more reliable and way less intrusive than Rudy Guliani having his wife call in person to remind him.

Not that I'm wishing ill will, but later in life, you should seriously consider "If masturbation is a foe to overcome, you can consider me France" as something on your tombstone.

If I put a dollar in the jar every time I wanted to masterbate I could buy France.

If all else fails, those magic underpants are really absorbent.

Sweet Jeebus, I'd blow a hole in the ceiling if I didn't take care of tha Southern Bidniss like twice a day.

No wonder these fundies have been driven insane.

hmmm... i'm not sure i want to think about mitt when i'm thinking about masterbation. now i'm going to have to make a sandwich when masterbating to not think of mitt.

so I went to college in the south, and they take that whole "don't masturbate" thing pretty seriously in the deep south as well. I knew guys who had each other as "accountability partners" - more than one pair - who, if one of the pair confessed to masurbating, the other wouldnt eat for a day. the theory being, that you'd feel so bad about starving your friend that you wouldnt jerk off. unless you are a sadist. but, the end result was just that you could tell which guys were masturbating.

A dollar in a jar for every day I don’t masturbate, and I'd have a dollar.

@6, your non sequiter makes me want to jerk off right now.

What kind of sadistic deity gives you a hand and a d*ck and then says "no touching"? Further, what kind of moron worships such an assinine concept?

-Woodbun

@11 - And they're crotchless, too. Just in case, well, you know.

Encouraging them to not mention it in their prayers goes against the whole point of praying in the first place.

Also, if they can't masturbate, how are they supposed to stay virgins until they're married!? Ridiculous.

@19 - I think they have special underwear to help with that too.

I went to a Christian college and we were told in a mandatory dating/sex seminar for freshman guys that masturbation was a-okay. I don't know why those mormons are so uptight.

The best way to stop yourself thinking about masturbating -- the ONLY way, in my experience -- is to masturbate. Problem solved!

What is the sound of one hand wanking?

On second thought--don't answer that.

I think this is the same pamphlet that Irvine Welsh reference in "Bedroom Secrets of the Master Chefs".

Didn't work for me. Just gave me a crippling load of guilt. God I'm glad I'm not Mormon anymore.

I'm not sure the "get up and fix a snack" prevention-method would work all that well.

I mean, what if you've got a package of hot dogs (or worse) Johnsonville brats in there? Not to mention carrots, cucumbers, zucchinis, or Japanese eggplant? What if the veggies are dirty, and you have to rub the dirt off? And what about the bananas ON the fridge? And what happens if you accidentally spill some mayo or horseradish sauce while fixing the sandwich? Or squeeze the mustard bottle a little too hard? Or what if, in the dark you accidentally grab a couple of ripe tomatoes, or cantalopes, or grapefruit? Or -

- 'scuse me, gotta take care of something. Be right back.

I don't know what the Seven Deadly Sins or even the Ten Commandments are (guess I was improperly indoctrinated), but I'm pretty sure I've broken all of them at one time or another. Funny, though, I don't seem to remember "thou shalt not masturbate" being in there.

The anti-masturbation thing has its roots in the rule against "spilling your seed unproductively", I think. Regardless, the Presbyterian Church (USA)'s legislative body has governed that masturbation's fine (lust is the real issue for them)... and that's good enough for me.

I do recall countless discussions in youth group about warding off lustful thoughts/behaviors... mostly directed towards the guys. I didn't even know women *could* masturbate until I went to college.

yeah, i always figured being overwieght from pent-up frustration eating in the middle of the nights was better than being a damned sinner...

Wow, the Mormon's have really updated this guide since I printed it in my high school underground newsletter back in '92. They've obviously spent a lot of time thinking and discussing that which shall not be thought, discussed, or committed.

One would think that perhaps they're exhibiting an excessive interest in the masturbational habits and psychology of young teens. Can someone report these people to Dobson or Meese?

sincerely,
diggum

So it's ok to masturbate just so long as you do it into a little cup at the sperm bank?

Jenny Craig is obviously not a Mormon.

Oh my god, my ex-boyfriend got one of these flyers from somewhere about 9 years ago... It somehow survived on the wall of the bathroom in three seperate punk houses... Shit, I'd be willing to bet it's still hanging on for dear life up in the U-District to this day.

Thanks for making me nostalgic for the good ole' punk days when this was the first thing I'd see after puking in the middle of a night of drinking and snorting things up my nose and watching (often terrible)punk bands in a dirty old basement.

I didn't even know women *could* masturbate until I went to college.

Wow, Katelyn, really? This is amazing to me. I take it you didn't go to public school?

Anyway, Katelyn's right: most churches don't consider the act of masturbation to be the real danger, it's the lust that can be associated with it. And, like, not coveting other men's wives (which is ANY girl that's not your wife, even if she's single). So, if you don't have a wife, think about the concept of your future wife while you wack it - sin averted!

I grew up mormon and I have to say I missed that memo - I guess it wasn't directed at the girls. However, this does explain the positive correlation between body mass index and devoutness in mormon guys.

Can't say frowning on masturbation is unique to the Mo's tho. The Catholics have been, ahem, beating that drum for 2000 years.

And I second Katelyn's experience.

Some of the other ones are really funny too:

If you are associated with other persons having this same problem, YOU MUST BREAK OFF THEIR FRIENDSHIP. Never associate with other people having the same weakness. Don't suppose that two of you will quit together, you never will. You must get away from people of that kind. Just to be in their presence will keep your problem foremost in your mind.

It is sometimes helpful to have a physical object to use in overcoming this problem. A Bible, for example, held firmly in hand, even in bed at night has proven helpful in extreme cases.

Keep your bladder empty. Believe it or not, having a full bladder can cause you to feel sexually stimulated. As strange as it sounds you may find that going to the bathroom often makes it easier to refrain from masturbating.

And from the link explaining why masturbation is bad for you:

While masturbation can seem harmless, it elicits sexual feelings that are intended only for marriage. This habit-forming activity quickly leads to other activities such as viewing pornography and participating in homosexual activities.

"Keep your bladder empty. Believe it or not, having a full bladder can cause you to feel sexually stimulated.As strange as it sounds you may find that going to the bathroom often makes it easier to refrain from masturbating."

But then you have to aim for the bathtub 'cause the wood won't go down.

'Zounds, this phony reli-gion is fiendishly bereft of any real answers!

@29,

Well, that's one way to make sure you stay a virgin.

Geezus, I'd be even fatter than I already am, and my charity of choice would get all of my damned money!

Thank god I'm an atheist.

Become a Mormon and you can't masturbate!

seems like a solid marketing strategy.

@34 - but then, so long as you're a girl and don't covet somebody's wife, it's ok, right?

Which means straight girls can masturbate without any worries ...

@23: I believe that sound is "FAP FAP FAP."

Are you allowed to masturbate in order to take your mind off of late night snacks?

@27 - you've killed somebody? Yikes.

@45 remember fifty-two eighty is a gun nut who doesn't like Mexicans you do the math

Does having a wet dream count as masturbating?

No, @46, remember that 5280 is an ex-cop. YOU do the math.

What's with the Mirapex pop-ups on these pages? This isn't as off topic as it sounds--I work with Parkinson's patients and know that hypersexuality can be one the drug's side effects. Subliminal advertising maybe?

I will not think of masturbation...
I will not think of masturbation...
I will not think of masturbation...
I will not think of masturbation...
I will not think of masturbation...

Nope, won't do.
What do I do now?

I just like that they spend this much time worrying about people jacking off...

Don't spill yer seed, make more Mormon babies! Religion robs people of the joys of life and makes you cattle.

"For example, if you are tempted to masturbate, think of having to bathe in a tub of worms, and eat several of them as you do the act. It sounds goofy, but it actually works!"

Oh God...I'm so hot...

Masturbation...the gateway kink!