History Happy Birthday, Abe!
posted by on February 12 at 12:34 PM
Today is Abraham Lincoln’s birthday. From his myspace page:
About me: Im turning 199 years old this year! Holy shit! I freed the slaves, I was Americas tallest president and was born on the same day as Chuck Darwin! (Never met him) They used to call me The Railspliter, Uncle Abe, Honest Abe, The Illinois Baboon, The Sage of Springfield and some other shit. My Wifes name is Mary Todd and she cooks a mean potato pancake! I had a son Willie who died in 1862. The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time. Im on a mountain, a penny, the five spot and theres a nice statue of me in the nations capitol. Whatever you are, be a good one. It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues…
[I am resisting with all my might the desire to correct the presidential punctuation, spelling, “and some other shit.” He apparently should have worked a bit harder on those lessons he learnt on the back of a coal shovel. Also notably absent from his myspace page is his hobby of gaying around, though he does say he’s a “Swinger.” His interests: “Bible Study, Hats, Dentistry, Drinking.”]
In honor of his special day, a score or so of local men have been growing Lincolnesque beards; they will celebrate tonight by dressing as their hero and getting extremely intoxicated. It all begins at the Hideout at 8 p.m. (marauding onward to the War Room, Linda’s, the Cha Cha, King Cobra, the Comet, Moe Bar, Havana, and [alarmingly enough] “possibly some others around there”).
Also note: Next year the Abrahams aspire to be 10 score in number in honor of his 200th. They will need you! (Those physiologically incapable of growing a beard may resort to spirit gum or Sharpie.) Photos here are from February 12, 2007. During those festivities, it is said that the Abes visited a certain downtown house of erotic repute. Upon making the acquaintance of one of the entertaineresses, one of the Abes declared, “It’s my birthday!” upon which the dancer-lady in question laughed, said, “I’m an Aquarius, too!” and displayed a tattoo of their shared astrological sign.
Dear stupid-ass Lincoln-impersonators: don't think you can get away with growing ANY beard. Those on display in this post are pathetic. Lincoln had a very special beard; Lincolnesque, it was. Under the chin for the most part. Get it right, or don't bother trying.
Fuck you Fnarf, and you're wrong, we done our homework! You negative bitch. Its called Google. Its called images. Go emancipate the stick out of your ass!
None of those guys are fugly enough to be Lincoln. He was a very, very weird looking man. Thanks for glamorizing the past, guys!
We Aquarians love our Pres. Yeah, stovepipe and all. Shame about his wife though.
i'm more upset about the half assed hats. stove-pipe NOT top.
though, i fault no one for trying!!!
carry on lads!
Ben Lincoln, your beard is TERRIBLE. You should be ashamed. Now go wash your mouth out with soap, and SHAVE YOUR CHEEKS. Right NOW, young man, before I take a strap to ya!
Those are fighting words. At least I can grow something! Stay hidden in your pathetic little hovel tonight snickering at your clever little posts while we go out and have fun (and hopefully avoid any bullets)...lonely lonely man.
I like these Abes myself:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=HTN6Du3MCgI
pull a five dollar bill out and try and tell me again that lincoln's beard was under the chin. maybe your thinking of mary todd.....
DONT PEE IN MY BAMBOO TONIGHT!!!!
You're right. I cannot grow a beard.
@11 - I tried to, but merkins don't count from muff-diving.
zexy!
and
scratchy!
the lincolns will definitely be keeping it real by going to the gay bar, don't you worry. i wonder if that's where his nickname 'ol railsplitter' came from.
Tonight will be crazier than Fat Tuesday...
The Capitol Hill Art Walk crosses paths with Guerrilla Masquerade Party
say what you will about the lincolness of those beards, those are some damn fine abey babies.
"His interests: “Bible Study, Hats, Dentistry, Drinking.”"
Lincoln was a teetotaller, and a less than avid Christian.
Pretty funny concept, though.
Sounds like fun! Can I go as John Wilkes Booth?
lincoln was the first president in office with a beard.
tallest president ever at 6'4".
first president to be assassinated.
one of jwb's co-conspirators was the first woman ever to be executed by the federal government.
he also had a dog named jib.
#19 - More Lincoln trivia: He had a dog named Boo and a horse with no name.
WOW. Thanks Ben, Devon and Wylie, you totally made my day (and birthday!) truly amazing. Except now I hate you and want to come home. ABQ doesnt hold a candle to Seattle.
Lincoln's hat doubled as his own custom fit condom.
of trivia:
Lincoln's mammy died when their cow ate poisonous mushrooms and she drank the subsequent milk.
i wore my "booth shot first" t-shirt today
OMG. Suddenly I've developed a Lincoln gang-bang fantasy... Stovepipe hat indeed!
In celebration, I'm going to sit down and write a series of love-letters to my life-long male friend--just like Lincoln did! (Up yours, Doris Kearns Goodwin!)
Tom Hanks is a direct descendant of Nancy Hanks, Abraham Lincoln's mother
The gang bang thing can be arranged. For a very VERY steep price.
Meow. Which Lincoln is on the right of the 2nd picture, and on the left of the 3rd picture? I'll four-score him anytime...
I've got a penny bank full to brimming!
hey, don't forget to hit the Eagle.
I think you'll be very popular there, and follicly, you'll fit right in.
LINCOLNS UNITE!!! Its on motherfuckers!!!! Come on out and buy your favorite Abe a drink!!!
I see trouble ahead when they run into a pack of John Wilkes Boothes.
OK, so we got Guerrilla Masquerade Party
with a pack of Abe Lincolns running all over Capitol Hill. Capitol Hill Art Walk will be making their rounds at 5 pm which includes Purr as their 5th stop. Now I hear Log Cabin Republicans are having Happy Hour at Purr from 5:30 - 7:30 pm. I think a chasm in time and space is going to be ripped open tonight on Capitol Hill.
"Entertaineresses" ftw
I applaud the organizers for helping make Seattle more interesting, despite the haters with their nit-picking the details. And thanks for inviting the Guerrilla Masquerade Party crew out for the fun tonight. I hope you join us Saturday for a little World Leader costumed bowling...
And BTW, haters - Lincoln's beard started above the jaw line (as many, many photos of him will attest), and a Stove Top Hat is just a type of Top Hat with straight sides. I'd say any top hat is an adequate approximation for a costumed bar crawl. This ain't the SCA.
I want a follow up on how their night went!
Four score, and seven beers ago...
Bars:
Hideout
War Room
Linda's
Rosebud
Comet
Moe Bar
Cha Cha
Havana
I am King of Hangoverland!
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