History Happy Birthday, Abe!
posted by February 12 at 12:34 PMon
Today is Abraham Lincoln’s birthday. From his myspace page:
About me: Im turning 199 years old this year! Holy shit! I freed the slaves, I was Americas tallest president and was born on the same day as Chuck Darwin! (Never met him) They used to call me The Railspliter, Uncle Abe, Honest Abe, The Illinois Baboon, The Sage of Springfield and some other shit. My Wifes name is Mary Todd and she cooks a mean potato pancake! I had a son Willie who died in 1862. The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time. Im on a mountain, a penny, the five spot and theres a nice statue of me in the nations capitol. Whatever you are, be a good one. It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues…
[I am resisting with all my might the desire to correct the presidential punctuation, spelling, “and some other shit.” He apparently should have worked a bit harder on those lessons he learnt on the back of a coal shovel. Also notably absent from his myspace page is his hobby of gaying around, though he does say he’s a “Swinger.” His interests: “Bible Study, Hats, Dentistry, Drinking.”]
In honor of his special day, a score or so of local men have been growing Lincolnesque beards; they will celebrate tonight by dressing as their hero and getting extremely intoxicated. It all begins at the Hideout at 8 p.m. (marauding onward to the War Room, Linda’s, the Cha Cha, King Cobra, the Comet, Moe Bar, Havana, and [alarmingly enough] “possibly some others around there”).
Also note: Next year the Abrahams aspire to be 10 score in number in honor of his 200th. They will need you! (Those physiologically incapable of growing a beard may resort to spirit gum or Sharpie.) Photos here are from February 12, 2007. During those festivities, it is said that the Abes visited a certain downtown house of erotic repute. Upon making the acquaintance of one of the entertaineresses, one of the Abes declared, “It’s my birthday!” upon which the dancer-lady in question laughed, said, “I’m an Aquarius, too!” and displayed a tattoo of their shared astrological sign.