Comments on Wheel of Fortune!

For someone who's addicted to gambling, that picture is sort of like porn.

Which reminds me of my favorite gambling addict saying: It's not a problem if you're winning.

Kelly is still in her post-coital/bubble bath glow and unable to deal with the mundane realities of life such as posting to SLOG.

You write book?

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Oh MAN -- please tell us you're writing an article on the AVN Awards at Manadalay Bay. Those are comedy gold, at least judging from the clips I've heard on Stern's show (I love the porn starlets thanking their Dads after winning Best Anal for their work in "Cumshitters 6").

I heard the AVN hosts on the radio this week being asked how they'd get by without prescripted banter thanks to the WGA Strike -- so funny...

Mandalay Bay is a blast, too. Wheel of Fortune at the airport is the only slot machine that ever paid out for me in Vegas. The doodleoodling of the slots at 3AM in the casinos was such a surreal, soothing sound.

Wow. Ummm. I mean, Golly-gee-whillikers, Danny, that sure sounds exciting.

Remind us, why are you guys even *at* the AVN show?!? Do you send staffers to Comicon or BEA or the Home Show?

I'll hate Vegas forever, pretty much no matter what they do to change. My parents dragged me there as a child, when there was nothing for kids to do.

Gitai, me too! Thankfully, I learned how to play cards there, and eventually play strategy games, which helped stretch out my brain at an earlier-than-average age. (OK, I knew all the poker hand rankings when I was 5. I'm not a prodigy, but give me at least some ego fuel here.)

Then when i went back later in life, I knew how to milk all the money fountains there. Now I just kick back there, play $10 Pai Gow Poker for hours, usually break even, and get lots of free drinks. Good times.

although you made this forum i must say you irritate me in a way that i can't describe..... Dan, what is the real meaning of your life? Why are you here?

although you made this forum i must say you irritate me in a way that i can't describe..... Dan, what is the real meaning of your life? Why are you here?

it merited a double post although it was a mistake. seriously dan... what is your purpose on the planet??? I'm not just being mean. I want to know.

@9 It bred into me a deep hatred of gambling. On my 18th birthday, my best friend had to harass me for hours to get me to even buy a lottery ticket. When I visit my parents in New Mexico, they always drag me to Indian casinos, and my mom always gives me a $20 bill to gamble with. I put it in my pocket and head to the lobby, happy that with no effort, I'm $20 ahead.

Your guess is as good as mine.

Dan's purpose is to be retarded.

Oh, and vegas is a great place to hook up with all the closeted married guys looking to safely (read - not get outed) explore their dark and sinister internal gayness.

I am sure that Dan has lots of stories about that.

Oh, and how did the kid like being pinned up in a shithole like the Luxor while you were off being your degenerate self? Is he proud that daddy makes his living exploring the subculture of cum guzzling twenty somethings who suck someone elses shit off a cock for a living?

Seriously, why don't you get a job that he can be proud of?

Ecce, speaking of jobs, while you were "gone missing" I got a call from the manager of the SuperMall food court. I'm afraid your tray clearing days are over.

You know the drill: WorkSource, first thing Monday morning! Hopefully, you still have something left in that book of bus tokens I bought you for Christmas.

Oh, ecce. I love you!

But the kid isn't at the Luxor. He's at home, with the boyfriend, because he needs to go to school and hang out with his friends and get to his after-school tumbling and snowboarding classes. I would never take my child to Vegas. But evidently you would, ecce? I mean, otherwise why would you assume that I did?

I assume you did because you are a selfish, self absorbed little hosebag.

The idea of exposing your child to all sorts of disgusting behavior is not foreign or unacceptable to you anyway. Why is it such a stretch. After all, aren't you just giving him an "education"?

Well, kudos for not bringing him.

And BTW, if you are staying at Luxor, you got ripped off. The place is riddled with bedbugs, dirty sheets, and "inclinators" that shake, rattle and bounce around while displaying some truly juvenile "urban art".

Next time, get a room at Bellagio or The Wynn. Lots of non-gambling culture to enjoy...

Oh, ecce. I love you. But I'd say you're way more absorbed in me than I am. I'd say you're obsessed.

And, seriously, you know nothing about my home life. Why don't you leave my kid out of it, ecce? That's what I do.

Ah ecce, I see your PO finally came through for you - or are you still on work release?

Yeah, heavens forfend our young 'uns should ever be exposed to the darkness of reality, 'cause the world is really so much better when seen through the black-and-white lenses of moral absolutism, isn't it?

And Jeebuz on a Ritz Cracker people, it's frakkin' EASY to make $$ in Vegas (wait for it, ecce!): just go to the smaller casinos (O'Shea's is one of my personal faves), find a table running two-deck blackjack with only one or two other players, and go to town!

Anyone with even the most basic skills can generally walk away with $50+ at the end of half an hour or so. But it's also important to keep in mind a few important caveats: for example, any time the table gets crowded (four or more) step out.

Because, that's the real SECRET - when you get up by a good margin, WALK AWAY. Even in a low-odds game like blackjack the house still has the edge, so the longer you play the more likely it is you'll come up short, especially if you've been taking advantage of the "free drinks". And NEVER spend more than your initial stake! And always tip the dealer - minimum 10%, 20% if you've hit some big hands.

I've generally taken home anywhere from $300 to $600 more than what I started with from using these few simple rules, and can usually beat the house 7 out of 10 times on individual playing rounds.

"seriously dan... what is your purpose on the planet??? I'm not just being mean. I want to know."

Oh M...wow...what a shockingly dumb comment. Really. I'm not just being mean.

You read Dan's posts and his sex advice column, I presume you know something about his books, and you can't figure out an answer to this? Seriously?

Because there's a reason why thousands of people are reading him, and not you. Maybe you should set that ego aside and think about it.

Oh don't mind Ecce - he's never been east of Ritzville. He only knows those hotels because he always wants me to bring him matchbooks from places I've visit. He's got a whole drawer of them, and he'll bore the hell out of you by talking about them if you give him the chance. And he'll make you drink that awful General Mills International Coffee, because he thinks it's "classy".

If you want to get Ecce, just watch "Who's Afraid of Virginia Wolf?". Basically, he's Martha without a George.

Ecce Homo. Sad, sad, sad......

@21. Of course I read all of Dan's stuff. That's why I asked the (rhetorical) question after reading this fairly boring post, along with his response to the zoophile earlier.

Thanks Catalina. Now I have to figure out how to scrub this mental image I have of ecce as a skinny, chain-smoking, middle-aged Kathleen Turner with a large Adam's Apple.

Because, well, that is kind of HOT.

Brrrrrrrrr!

(STOPTHINKINGSTOPTHINKINGSTOPTHINKINGSTOPTHINKING...)

Comte dear, if it helps, I was thinking of the dumpy, wrinkled, middle-aged Elizabeth Taylor version.

But even that's a pretty generous description: Meth is horrible on your teeth. Thank God were were able to get him those dentures from the government. While they don't really fit him, it's still an improvement. And it's hillarious when he puts them in upside-down. He really has quite a sense of humor once you get to know him. Very
Nixonesque.

Oh yeah, my late grandfather used to do that with his dentures all the time - heelarious.

Oh great, now I'm imagining ecce as my grandfather.

Actually, that's a lot better than imagining him as Kathleen Turner.

Thanks, Catalina!