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Friday, January 18, 2008

Republicanism: A Public Service Announcement…

posted by on January 18 at 10:20 AM

Shhh…. This only seems like a long post. It’ll be over before you know it.

Well, we’re all doomed, aren’t we. Doomed! It’s pretty hard not to notice at this point. The motes of dust that were once the maggot poop that was once the eyes of Helen Keller can see it. My shoe has noticed it. And my shoe hardly notices anything. It’s all over but the crying.

Do you think Hillary will save us? Never. And Obama? Smart young man. He’ll be shot. God forbid. Mark my words.

The waters are rising, everything else is burning. The Big Ice that makes our ecosystem happen has drizzled down to a snow cone. The government denies any of it’s happening, and will give you a free Hummer if you tell them you use it for “work.” Meanwhile tornadoes—-Jesus, dozens of them at a time!—-are playing “kick-the-double-wide” in trailer parks that no self-respecting tornado has set foot in since dinosaurs roamed the earth, and as if things can’t get any worse, “Mitt Romney Wins in Michigan!”

In response to these urgent perils, the US government, such as it is, has wisely decided to save us with a daring plan to put clever little microchips into all of our passports and drivers’ licenses so our every move can be tracked starting just next month (no kidding, enjoy). And, let’s not kid ourselves, it just snowed in Baghdad. Baghdad! Where camels roam and the sand lives. And, um, the government? Well, it’s wisely building a wall along our borders to “protect” us from the evil that is Mexicans. If you’re just dumb enough to believe that.

And you know why all this is happening. You do. You did that report on “1984” in Junior High. You saw “House of the Spirits.” (Winona Ryder’s skin? Porcelain. I’m telling you.) You’ve read “Revelations.” You get “The History Channel.” Hell, every man, woman, child, man/woman, manchild and blooming daffodil with the historical perspective that God gave a donkey knows why all this is happening, and why all this is happening is Republicans. REPUBLICANS!

Republicanism is a disease. It is a dangerous mental illness. It has ruined millions of lives. It has lead the world into serious, undeniable peril. It must be stamped out and destroyed at all costs.

Symptoms of Republicanism Disease include a manic compulsion to create the world in the dystopian image of “A Handmaid’s Tale” whether or not you read the book (probably not—- although Mitt Romney carries the Cliff Notes version wherever he goes and refers to it when writing speeches—he claims an angel called “Macaroni” or something gave it to him). Republicanism Disease is also typified by an insistent, zombie-like faith in slash-and-burn capitalism, and a compulsive need to dally overlong in the toxic fields of American Evangelical Christianity. The symptoms are agitated by the existence of homosexuals, brown people, and patchouli.

There is only one possible cure for Republicanism; it must not be tolerated in any form whatsoever. Immediate, complete and proactive intolerance of aggressive stupidity is the only answer. There is no excuse for what we’ve let these fools get away with. I am ashamed of us.

There is no middle ground with Republicanism Disease. (Are you listening Christine Gregoire? Yeah, you better be.) One can’t invade Iraq “a little bit”, one can’t oppress gays “just a smidge”, one can’t profiteer and warmonger at the expense of clean air and water and food and public safety and health and general well-being “a bit”, and one can’t call global warming “a lie” and refuse to address the issue for profit until the problem is so huge we are all surely dead soon “just this once”, and one can’t “rewrite the Constitution to reflect ‘the living word of God’” (hello again, Mr. Romney) just a tad. It’s like being “slightly dead” or “a little bit of a serial murderer.”

If you or someone you love should experience any symptoms of Republicanism, you should call your health care provider at once. And they should shoot you in the face.


RSS icon Comments


My mom tried shooting me in the face. It kind of worked.

Posted by Mr. Poe | January 18, 2008 10:33 AM

And you assume that Democrats are any better?

Posted by bma | January 18, 2008 10:35 AM

Republicans are The Evil Mushroom.

Posted by Heimmler | January 18, 2008 10:38 AM

that pic of Romney makes it appear there are bottomless blackholes where his eyes should be.
Abe Lincoln is SPINNING in his grave.

Posted by orangekrush | January 18, 2008 10:40 AM

PREZNIT BUSH: “I’s proud to announce that mah Bush Stimulus Plan [ewww, gross—OA] will provide Nintendo Wiis, cheeseburgers, flat-screen TVs and handjobs for each and every Uhmurikin.

Now, I’s tarred and will be ower in this corner strummin’ a song on mah geetar by a fella named U.S. Burns. Suck it, betches!”

Posted by Original Andrew | January 18, 2008 10:48 AM

Someone give Adrian a drink and some pain killers before he starts posting about the genius of Lyndon Larouche.

Posted by steve | January 18, 2008 10:48 AM

Adrian Ryan, are you secretly Jeffrey Rowland from Overcompensating?

Posted by Horace | January 18, 2008 10:53 AM

Somebody's been dipping into the good drugs WAY too early in the morning....

Posted by Fifty-Two-Eighty | January 18, 2008 10:55 AM

Love it. Just one small thing. It is Huckabee that wants to change the Constitution to reflect the living word of God.

Posted by The General | January 18, 2008 11:01 AM

Don't confuse Republicans with republicans.

Ironically, it is the Republicans who have abandoned the real republicanism.

"Republicanism is the ideology of governing a nation as a republic, with an emphasis on liberty, rule by the people, and the civic virtue practiced by citizens. Republicanism always stands in opposition to aristocracy, oligarchy, and dictatorship. More broadly, it refers to a political system that protects liberty, especially by incorporating a rule of law that cannot be arbitrarily ignored by the government."

I'm a small "r" republican. Therefore, I have nothing but unbridled contempt for today's GOP. Oh, and it scares the crap out of me, too.

Posted by James | January 18, 2008 11:02 AM

dude, that must be some bitchin pot you've got.

Posted by kim | January 18, 2008 11:11 AM

It is not Dem or Rep, left or right.

These are methods of control while HR 1959 | S 1959 pass without a peep (thought crimes) from the MSM

Has the Stranger mentioned anything about the NH recount and Diebold machines?

Posted by Bald Face Lie | January 18, 2008 11:11 AM

If everybody hits the chip-infested license plate a few sharp raps with a hammer, it will destroy the chip. If enough people do it, the bastards will get the message.

Posted by ivan | January 18, 2008 11:12 AM


Posted by monkey | January 18, 2008 11:12 AM

the Bastards will get the message if you refuse to take the plate.

WE are the Bastards.

Posted by Bald Face Lie | January 18, 2008 11:21 AM

i take that comment i made last year about you being ignorant back completely. i now realize that you know a lot more than you let on mr party pants. don't hide that light under a bushel..

Posted by reverend dr dj riz | January 18, 2008 11:24 AM

We all know that the extreme left and the extreme right meet up with each other on the dark side of the moon which results in tyranny. Adrain’s adolescent diatribe of sloppy reasoning and no historical perspective is astounding!

Posted by raindrop | January 18, 2008 11:26 AM

This is what I saw:


Posted by anonymous | January 18, 2008 11:30 AM

@ 17,

Except for the fact that Adrian is 1,000,000% correct, if not even more perhaps.

Posted by Original Andrew | January 18, 2008 11:31 AM

Dear Raindrop,

You're a fucking surplus. Surplus!

Posted by Mr. Poe | January 18, 2008 11:34 AM

Although President David Palmer did have some attempts on his life, he was not actually assassinated until he left office.

Posted by Patrick | January 18, 2008 11:57 AM

@ 21,

Wasn't that the season where they had the whole "the president is a traitor" storyline? Can't imagine where they got the idea for that.

Posted by Original Andrew | January 18, 2008 12:27 PM

i'm torn on stuff like this. yeah, the modern GOP seems to be the jesuswackoparty. i have nothing against religious people (unlike some here), and actually like some of the republican ideals. just not those having to do with the religious morals of one group being imposed on another. since that's what they are all about these days, then they should be despised. but -- like some log cabin repubs -- it saddens me that the open forum for debate on other issues has to be closed because of the focus on one or two issues.

Posted by infrequent | January 18, 2008 12:39 PM

I somewhat agree with infrequent, other than the whole "rape the middle class" thing pisses me off in addition to the fundies... ooh and the Iraq war thing too.

Posted by Mike of Renton | January 18, 2008 12:53 PM

Remember when 80 percent of America was upset about King George and rose up in revolt?

Yeah, we're almost there.

Posted by Will in Seattle | January 18, 2008 1:25 PM

Suggestion: we, the literate (can read and speak complete sentences), progressive (believe in human rights, communal values, skeptical of unchecked capitalism), and politically active (we actually pay attention and vote) start doing all the research for the paperwork necessary for Canada, the people sympathetic to our plight who can assist us, start making plans, and have things in place, just in case.

If Huckabee and/or Romney end up on the Grand Oil Party's ticket, we ramp up and go from planning to active preparation.

(As for the tracking chips in passports, you can always use a hammer to crush them without making the passport unusable.)

Posted by andy niable | January 18, 2008 1:30 PM

@ 26,

Here ya go:

It can take anywhere from a few months to two years to get a visa, so start planning now. The Canadian border guards are likely to be hella suspicious if you show up with a car-load of your stuff on January 19th, 2009.

Posted by Original Andrew | January 18, 2008 1:41 PM

Every word of this post is true. And you didn't even mention that Republicans eat human flesh! And smell like pee! And have sex with their own family members! There is no limit to their cruelty and they MUST BE STOPPED at all costs!

Posted by Gurldoggie | January 18, 2008 1:48 PM

From the link @27:

Canada offers refugee protection to people in Canada who fear persecution or who may be at risk of torture or cruel and unusual treatment or punishment, and are unwilling or unable to return to their home country.

Canada did just add the US to it's torture watch list.

Posted by Mike of Renton | January 18, 2008 1:57 PM

Republicans are consistently more supportive of Israel and human rights than Democrats. The U.S.- Israel bond is of immense importance to freedom and the American way of life, and the war in Iraq has saved Israel, for the time being, from a terrible Arab tyranny. The only sensible next step is the Republican plan to take the war to Iran.

Anti-semitism is on the rise in the U.S. and worldwide, and Muslims in the United States will soon be able to out-vote the Jewish and most other ethnic lobbies. Any Jew would be a fool to support the appeasement policies of the Democrats.

Posted by Josh | January 18, 2008 2:16 PM

They only love you because they think you're gonna touch off Armageddon and the Rapture, Josh....

Posted by NapoleonXIV | January 18, 2008 2:19 PM

As you once suggested, the time has come for me to shove all of my diamonds into a latex condom and cram it up my ass. I'll see you at the canadian border along with the Von Trapp Family singers ~ all of us wearing Laderhosen and singing "Climb Every Mountain"

Posted by Babs-Ra | January 18, 2008 2:38 PM

Here is the best summary of American politics and the Democrats and Republicans I have seen in a very, very long time…

“On the Democratic side of things, Obama isn't such a bad guy, if we can get him to renounce terrorism and stop-fathering crack babies, which you didn't hear from the Hillary camp. Clinton, meanwhile, is being perhaps a little too feminine on the campaign trail, what with the cleavage and the crying, though his wife remains the shrill, cast-iron harpy we've all come to loathe and fear. John Edwards is dragging his poor sick wife across the country in a quest to improve health care. He stands on principle against any hedge fund of which he's not a partner. The rest of the Democratic field is a collection of sissies, malcontents, and nutjobs.

On the Republican side, meanwhile, Giuliani is a polygamist. No wait, that's McCain. Sorry, I meant Fred Thompson. Mitt Romney? No, he's a hard-working, family-oriented husband of one wife who stands for everything that made America great, except that he's in a Satanic cult. The one-time darling of the Libertarians, Ron Paul, used to own slaves. Mike Huckabee, meanwhile, seems to drive Peggy Noonan apoplectic, which is reason enough to recommend him. Someone just needs to stop him from channeling Herbert Hoover. The rest of the Republican field is a collection of conspiracy theorists, isolationists, and psychopaths.

As for policy positions, as best I can tell, the Democrats want to give most of the southwest U.S. to Mexico, and invite Muslim terrorists to publicly behead everyone making more than a million dollars a year, except for Steven Spielberg and George Soros. Republicans, meanwhile, want to kick anyone with a Mexican-sounding name out of the U.S., and conquer the entire Middle East so that Halliburton will have work after it kills all the porpoises while drilling for oil off the U.S. coast, which will soon be just east of Kansas City, as a result of the Bush-Reagan-Hitler global warming conspiracy.

Both parties are convinced that government is exceptionally skilled at doing things they want more of, and entirely incompetent when it comes to things they don't like. Every candidate is a candidate for change, using the failed ideas of the past, to create a brave new world for the children.”

kiped from
via andrew sullivan

Purdy much nails it…

Posted by You_Gotta_Be_Kidding_Me | January 18, 2008 3:02 PM

So Obama will be shot? You're a jerk. And saying "God forbid" after you say Obama will be shot doesn't make you any less of a jerk. Your overall pessimism doesn't make you smart or serious or a beautiful loser. It just makes you a jerk. You jerk.

Posted by bobbo | January 18, 2008 3:17 PM

@8 could be, or is he off the "bad" drugs the "man" prescribed.

I'm sorry, I'm a little slow, but I didn't really understand this post. If it was supposed to be "edgy and sarcastic" you might leave that to Dan, he's good at it, this came off sounding (to me) like an incoherent rant.

Still, to my petite bourgeoisie ear, "Adrian" sounds much nicer than "Saloth"

p.s. how did the interview with the secret service go?

Posted by Epimetheus | January 18, 2008 3:58 PM

Adrian wrote it, but we've all thought it. It only takes one nutjob with a rifle to shoot a man, even a president, and there are going to be plenty of nutjobs who react violently to a Black man in the white house. No one sensible wanted the shootings of MLK, RFK, Malcolm X, Olof Palme, Anwar Sadat, Yitzhak Rabin,etc., but it still happened. It sucked, but it happened.

Posted by Gurldoggie | January 18, 2008 9:07 PM

I'm amazed that anyone with sufficiently reduced mental capacity as to believe that Dems and Repubs are "exactly the same" is capable of forming a sentence or typing.

If anyone is tempted by that idiotic argument (thanks, Mr. Nader) I have two names for you:

Ruth Ginsburg
John Paul Stevens

They are both sure to die in the next few years and will need to be replaced on the supreme court.

With a Hillary or Obama we *may* get a glorified corporate counsel, but at least they will be halfway human corporate counsels, with basic knowledge and respect of, the constitution.

With ANY of the GOP candidates, we will get some horrid "Christian" freak who wants to rededicate the nation to Christ or some such nonsense.

So think about that the next time you anyone tries to give you that retarded "Democrats and Republicans are all the same" bullshit.

Posted by catalina vel-duray | January 19, 2008 1:57 PM

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