2008 Republicanism: A Public Service Announcement…
posted by January 18 at 10:20 AMon
Shhh…. This only seems like a long post. It’ll be over before you know it.
Well, we’re all doomed, aren’t we. Doomed! It’s pretty hard not to notice at this point. The motes of dust that were once the maggot poop that was once the eyes of Helen Keller can see it. My shoe has noticed it. And my shoe hardly notices anything. It’s all over but the crying.
Do you think Hillary will save us? Never. And Obama? Smart young man. He’ll be shot. God forbid. Mark my words.
The waters are rising, everything else is burning. The Big Ice that makes our ecosystem happen has drizzled down to a snow cone. The government denies any of it’s happening, and will give you a free Hummer if you tell them you use it for “work.” Meanwhile tornadoes—-Jesus, dozens of them at a time!—-are playing “kick-the-double-wide” in trailer parks that no self-respecting tornado has set foot in since dinosaurs roamed the earth, and as if things can’t get any worse, “Mitt Romney Wins in Michigan!”
In response to these urgent perils, the US government, such as it is, has wisely decided to save us with a daring plan to put clever little microchips into all of our passports and drivers’ licenses so our every move can be tracked starting just next month (no kidding, enjoy). And, let’s not kid ourselves, it just snowed in Baghdad. Baghdad! Where camels roam and the sand lives. And, um, the government? Well, it’s wisely building a wall along our borders to “protect” us from the evil that is Mexicans. If you’re just dumb enough to believe that.
And you know why all this is happening. You do. You did that report on “1984” in Junior High. You saw “House of the Spirits.” (Winona Ryder’s skin? Porcelain. I’m telling you.) You’ve read “Revelations.” You get “The History Channel.” Hell, every man, woman, child, man/woman, manchild and blooming daffodil with the historical perspective that God gave a donkey knows why all this is happening, and why all this is happening is Republicans. REPUBLICANS!
Republicanism is a disease. It is a dangerous mental illness. It has ruined millions of lives. It has lead the world into serious, undeniable peril. It must be stamped out and destroyed at all costs.
Symptoms of Republicanism Disease include a manic compulsion to create the world in the dystopian image of “A Handmaid’s Tale” whether or not you read the book (probably not—- although Mitt Romney carries the Cliff Notes version wherever he goes and refers to it when writing speeches—he claims an angel called “Macaroni” or something gave it to him). Republicanism Disease is also typified by an insistent, zombie-like faith in slash-and-burn capitalism, and a compulsive need to dally overlong in the toxic fields of American Evangelical Christianity. The symptoms are agitated by the existence of homosexuals, brown people, and patchouli.
There is only one possible cure for Republicanism; it must not be tolerated in any form whatsoever. Immediate, complete and proactive intolerance of aggressive stupidity is the only answer. There is no excuse for what we’ve let these fools get away with. I am ashamed of us.
There is no middle ground with Republicanism Disease. (Are you listening Christine Gregoire? Yeah, you better be.) One can’t invade Iraq “a little bit”, one can’t oppress gays “just a smidge”, one can’t profiteer and warmonger at the expense of clean air and water and food and public safety and health and general well-being “a bit”, and one can’t call global warming “a lie” and refuse to address the issue for profit until the problem is so huge we are all surely dead soon “just this once”, and one can’t “rewrite the Constitution to reflect ‘the living word of God’” (hello again, Mr. Romney) just a tad. It’s like being “slightly dead” or “a little bit of a serial murderer.”
If you or someone you love should experience any symptoms of Republicanism, you should call your health care provider at once. And they should shoot you in the face.