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Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Informed Speculation

posted by on January 2 at 9:47 AM

The 2008 Consumer Electronics Show is about a week away, meaning that on January 7, thousands of tech middle-management types will pay for blowjobs in Las Vegas while their bosses make announcements about HDTVs, cell phones, GPS devices, and so on.

What, no video games? Yeah, they’ll be there, but CES’ timing is pretty bad in that regard, as most games companies have blown their productivity wad on the Christmas season. Gaming PR usually hibernates until February. But that hasn’t stopped Brier Dudley at the Seattle Times from foaming at the mouth about Bill Gates’ “final” CES keynote speech. (“Gates will not return for the 2009 keynote, after he cuts back on Microsoft work this summer and dedicates more time to philanthropy,” Dudley writes. Right. Gates is the tech world’s Celine Dion—I’ve already pre-ordered tickets to his return tour.)

Most of Dudley’s CES guesses aren’t too far off the mark, but his piece has been getting a lot of play on nerd sites for making a few out-of-the-blue gaming guesses. For one, he thinks MS will “license the Xbox gaming platform to consumer-electronics companies.” Better put, companies like Toshiba will, according to Dudley, create all-in-one units that play HD DVD movies, act as a DVR and play Xbox games. Interesting guess—with no attribution or data to back it up. Never mind that Nintendo tried this sort of thing a few years ago—the Panasonic Q, a semi-all-in-one unit in Japan that was pulled from the market after two years of tepid sales. Never mind that DVR companies like TiVo are dying in the face of cable and satellite providers hocking their own TV-recording devices. And never mind that the Xbox is still sputtering in this device’s target Asian markets—it’s informed speculation, after all!

Even better, Dudley’s comments open the floodgates so that yokels LIKE ME can make equally informed tech predictions. Like these:

Microsoft will kick the iPhone’s touch-screen ass by debuting the Zune Suit—an all-in-one body entertainment center that is controlled by touching icons that pop up on your clothes. They haven’t developed a prototype of the unit yet, but Lily Allen’s already been tapped to write a song that will withstand being played 4,000 times a day to promote the fucking thing. Priorities.

Microsoft will release the Fleshlight XP, which improves the original model’s networking, security and file-sharing features. Testers have reported being pleased with the new model. Incompatible with the Zune Suit—users will have to download a patch.

Windows Vista will still suck and people will still not want to buy it.

Boy, I can’t wait for January 7th!

RSS icon Comments

1

I think it's telling that most big PC vendors, like Dell and HP, have reversed their original policy and are offering all of their models with XP Pro instead of Vista if you want it. I know for a fact that Vista was killing Dell's notebook sales when that was all they offered. I buy around 50 PCs a year, and I won't touch Vista.

Posted by Fnarf | January 2, 2008 9:58 AM
2

They've actually called a legitimate computer thing a Fleshlight?

Posted by Abby | January 2, 2008 10:20 AM
3

@1 - Office 2007 is equally fucked up. Overnight, I went from being an expert Excel user to a beginner (right-click, right-click, right-click ... OK, now I'm an intermediate user). I haven't dared buy a machine with Vista yet.

Posted by Mahtli69 | January 2, 2008 10:23 AM
4

The Body Entertainment Center sounds like the name of an awesome all-encompassing sex toy.

Posted by Katelyn | January 2, 2008 10:30 AM
5

@ Sam: I'll be there liveblogging the Gates thing. It's going to be cuh-ray-zee! See ya there!


No, really, I am.

Posted by Matt Fuckin' Hickey | January 2, 2008 10:37 AM
6

@2: Depends on your definition of "legitimate."

Posted by Sam M. | January 2, 2008 10:40 AM
7

@1, I buy about 100 PC's per month, and we get all of them shipped w/ Vista. We have had no problems at all with it.

Posted by Tiffany | January 2, 2008 10:44 AM
8
Microsoft will kick the iPhone’s touch-screen ass by debuting the Zune Suit—an all-in-one body entertainment center that is controlled by touching icons that pop up on your clothes.

Gawd, that's stupid.

Posted by keshmeshi | January 2, 2008 10:56 AM
9

Actually, the original prediction about WinVista still sucking was so right, it's being matched by online polls at all the Worst of 2007 tech polls ....

So at least you got one right.

Posted by Will in Seattle | January 2, 2008 11:38 AM
10

You should read David Foster Wallace on the connection between the CES and the Adult Video Awards, which happen at the same time in Vegas. The essay is the first one in his book "Consider the Lobster"

Posted by F | January 2, 2008 1:44 PM

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