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Monday, January 7, 2008

Dear Future Public Interns,

posted by on January 7 at 12:45 PM

Assuming someone will be taking the mantle of the public intern position once I leave for South Africa, I thought it might be nice to leave this columnist with a couple criticisms of the position, and some kernels of knowledge I’ve picked up on the job.

To be the public intern is to be the public’s darling! No one will ever hate you because hey, you’re at the bottom rung of the newspaper (you’re a bottom-feeder), you’re not stepping on anyone’s toes and you’re fucking helping people. Even the people who sorta like you or are on the fence about liking you (maybe happiness threatens them) will falsely remember liking you after all of their friends talk about how much they like you.

People will pretend to be mean to you and they’ll think it’s hilarious. You will be on assignments and people will say things like “Stop playing around!” in a faux-angry tone and you will groan at this person for trying (and failing) at pretending to be mad at you.

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You will have to fake enthusiasm for things you don’t like so you won’t hurt other people’s feelings. If you’re helping a vet pop anal sacs, you can’t be too disparaging about the task because hey, vets do that shit every day and who are you to say it’s awful and it’s disgusting and you’re in a different kind of hell just watching the procedure from afar. Keep all those thoughts flying in your head and get ‘em down on paper later.

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People will watch their words around you, sometimes painfully so. There will be a thin layer of artifice surrounding many interactions. This may depress you. I imagine it depresses many journalists. If you were a journalist you could commiserate with them….but you’re not one. This may also depress you.

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You will be a mini-celebrity. It doesn’t matter that you ate a Weight Watchers TV dinner last night and watched Mame with your parents. The world doesn’t care. Actually, they may come to think Mame and Weight Watchers are totally en vogue beause a mini-celebrity likes them.

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People will also ask you what its like working with Dan. Tell ‘em the truth: you have no idea. Never met the guy. Heard he was cool. Don’t tell ‘em what I tell ‘em: that you’ve idolized him from afar ever since you were 16 and this whole internship thing has been kind of a let down because you envisioned an elevator moment where he would pat you on the head after a particularly hard day at work and say “you did good kid, you did good” and you’d suddenly feel like all the gay stars had aligned in the universe and you had acquired total and complete self-acceptance. This moment will never happen….but Dan may tell you your piece on squeezing dog’s anal glands is “brilliant.” Savor this. Let it melt in your mouth. Slowly. For days. Remember the word “brilliant” and remind yourself Dan thinks of you this way at bus stops, when you’re eating alone in restaurants, and when you’re riding in the car with your mom and she’s listening to “Christmas in the Northwest” on Warm 106.9.

Do not sit and wait for comments to build up on your Slog post. The comments will never be constructive. They will never help you become a better writer.

Better yet, don’t even read the Slog. There is no knowledge to attain from it. It is a life-drainer.

Love,
Steven

RSS icon Comments

1

"Remember the word “brilliant” and remind yourself Dan thinks of you this way at bus stops, when you’re eating alone in restaurants, and when you’re riding in the car with your mom and she’s listening to “Christmas in the Northwest” on Warm 106.9."

i simply have NO idea what you're talking about.

Posted by adrian | January 7, 2008 1:09 PM
2

They're all deluded at that age.

Posted by NapoleonXIV | January 7, 2008 1:10 PM
3

Wow -- what a stunningly good post. Really. I think it's the best one I've ever read.

Bye, Steven, and thanks.

Posted by Irena | January 7, 2008 1:12 PM
4

Great post. Love you Steven!

Posted by Suz | January 7, 2008 1:16 PM
5

Aren't there more rules? I think you know what I mean Steven ;o)

Posted by Homo Will | January 7, 2008 1:18 PM
6

Aw, we luv the Public Intern!

Posted by Will in Seattle | January 7, 2008 1:18 PM
7
Better yet, don’t even read the Slog. There is no knowledge to attain from it. It is a life-drainer.

Truer words... Great job, Steven!

Posted by Eli Sanders | January 7, 2008 1:18 PM
8

You're a really really good writer and take great pictures.

Posted by tac | January 7, 2008 1:18 PM
9

The "Dark Prince of Slog" would like to say a few things...

Slog is a life-drainer, no doubt. BUT:

A) Posting something of substance to "help someone @ the Stranger become a better writer" is useless, irrelevant, boring and 360 degrees of stupid
B) Every obscene comment on Slog is constructive. You're on Slog. Slog. Slog is the Stranger's blog. Do-you-understand?
C) Slog Happy showed everybody how awesome we all are, and hopefully busted down some walls of why some of us choose to refrain from serious discussion on Slog. (See B)
D) Nobody every had anything to say on your posts other than "omg i luv the pucblciintenr hez hawt" and "come ovar nd do me" and "omgawdz thats gross i luvz the public intern come ovar adn do me", so you didn't really get the whole Slog experience, now did you?

Twa.

P.S.
Good luck in South Africa. Word.

Posted by Mr. Poe | January 7, 2008 1:22 PM
10

P.S. Don't feel like you missed much in not meeting Dan. He's kinda weird and awkward in real life.

Posted by NapoleonXIV | January 7, 2008 1:36 PM
11

Steven, you are going to do great for some of the same reasons Dan Savage does: you are an awesome writer and you are fucking funny. Right on.

Posted by Conium | January 7, 2008 1:38 PM
12

Wait, you're leaving?!?

Posted by Paulus | January 7, 2008 1:41 PM
13

Steven,

This was brilliant. Enjoy South Africa.

Posted by ahava | January 7, 2008 1:48 PM
14

I'm assuming that Eli agrees about not reading Slog comments because, he, like all Stranger writers, have notoriously thin skin. No one likes criticism. But isn't that the reason the Slog exists - to allow readers to comment on Stranger content?

Posted by dr. thompkins | January 7, 2008 1:55 PM
15

Your forgot the advice about, "Don't be bitter about being exploited by The Stranger so the editorial director and publisher can get rich off your free labor. After all, they're paying you in bylines."

Posted by tomcat98109 | January 7, 2008 1:57 PM
16

I thought you were very charming in person and have come to love your posts. I will miss them. =)

I can't critique your writing, cause hell I have more typo's and grammar erros in one comment then in all your writing. Seriously.

I have to disagree with Napoleon though, I loved meeting Dan in person (albeit briefly at Hump!). I thought he was very sweet and unassuming. I too have looked up to Savage since a young age, when I was stuck in the suburbs and wanting to die.

So best of luck in SA. I hope you can come back and write for the Stranger on a regular basis.

Posted by Original Monique | January 7, 2008 2:00 PM
17

You won't even read this post, anyways. Cheers.

Posted by superyeadon | January 7, 2008 2:00 PM
18

We love you, Steven. Thanks for a great post. You've been a welcome shot of youthful can-do optimism in the cynical ass of The Stranger, and I'll miss your work. (Though you really should have gone into the water at the Polar Bear Swim, you silly nell.)

Best of luck in South Africa. Hope to see you around!

Posted by Exile in West Seattle | January 7, 2008 2:00 PM
19

I love you, Steven.
This was a great post.

Posted by meryl | January 7, 2008 2:01 PM
20

I always wanted to be a mini-celebrity. I also wanted to be in "I saw U", but it never happened.

(Maybe it's because I didn't eat enough Weight Watchers.)

Bon Voyage, Dear Public Intern, Have a good time in South Africa. Be careful, and send us a postcard from time to time.

Posted by catalina vel-duray | January 7, 2008 2:25 PM
21

What? The Public Intern is leaving? Dammit!

Steven, you rock.

Posted by violet_dagrinder | January 7, 2008 2:27 PM
22

And just to call bullshit on your there is no knowledge to attain from Slog statement:

Here's a recipie for lemon squares.

INGREDIENTS
2 cups sifted all-purpose flour
1 cup confectioners' sugar
1 cup butter, melted

4 eggs
2 cups white sugar
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/4 cup all-purpose flour
5/8 cup lemon juice

DIRECTIONS
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Grease a 9x13 inch pan.
In a medium bowl, stir together 2 cups flour and confectioners' sugar. Blend in the melted butter. Press into the bottom of the prepared pan.
Bake in the preheated oven for 15 minutes, or until golden. In a large bowl, beat eggs until light. Combine the sugar, baking powder and 1/4 cup of flour so there will be no flour lumps. Stir the sugar mixture into the eggs. Finally, stir in the lemon juice. Pour over the prepared crust and return to the oven.
Bake for an additional 30 minutes or until bars are set. Allow to cool completely before cutting into bars.

Little shit-head.

Posted by NapoleonXIV | January 7, 2008 2:30 PM
23

WHO WILL REPLACE HIM?!?!?!

Posted by shinji | January 7, 2008 2:41 PM
24

Hey, we need a contest!

At SLOG Thursday, we should see who has the best recipe to give the Public Intern, to show how great a job he's done!

Posted by Will in Seattle | January 7, 2008 2:48 PM
25

No offense, but Dan looks like Oswald in that photo.

Posted by DOUG. | January 7, 2008 3:45 PM
26

I only have commenter clout, but: Ya done good.

Posted by Lloyd Clydesdale | January 7, 2008 3:46 PM
27

Steven,

I want you to know that your writing is in the DS, ECB, JF class of Slog journalism. Material so good I have snorted liquid out my nose in unscheduled laughter.

Good luck in the RSA, but if you ever head north into Zim don't tell the border control folks you know Charles M.

Posted by Lawrence Molloy | January 7, 2008 3:50 PM
28

@25 - jesus christ you're fucking right. weird.

Posted by some dude | January 7, 2008 4:08 PM
29

@24: Make him bring lemon squares on Thursday!

Lemon squares and beer!

Posted by NapoleonXIV | January 7, 2008 4:13 PM
30

Steven, you will always be the one and only true Public Intern. I can't see how anyone could take your place.

Posted by elenchos | January 7, 2008 5:16 PM
31

I can't see why anyone would want to take his place.

Bring back the Stranger's Worst Enemy!

Bring back Cienna Madrid!

Posted by NapoleonXIV | January 7, 2008 5:25 PM
32

Bye.

Posted by -B- | January 7, 2008 7:28 PM
33

Never met Dan, hmm.
How funny that is.
Steven, we met once, before the whole Public Internship began. I don't expect you to remember. It was Pride weekend, I was a friend of a friend stopping in at the Biolabode. We sat and chatted about Pride festivities and Mr. Savage. You got starry-eyed. I thought it was super-cute. And then about a month or so later, there was your smiling face published as a "New Column!" on the corner of the Last Days' page. I thought-- hey, there's that kid! Oh, he'll get to meet Savage now!

Oh, well...

Good luck to you. Your columns were always entertaining. And I agree, SLOG is a life-drainer.

Posted by Jamey | January 7, 2008 7:46 PM
34

Wait--The Stranger had a public intern?

Posted by Boomer in NYC | January 7, 2008 8:05 PM
35

Your posts always made my day. But did I miss one--did you tell us what you're doing in South Africa?

Posted by Mark | January 7, 2008 8:17 PM
36

Steven: When you get back from SA don't forget about your show biz career. Best regards to Nelson and Desmond.

Posted by QUIRE BOIZ | January 8, 2008 12:30 AM
37

I'll miss you, Steve, the Public Intern. I've enjoyed reading your stories. And while it may not be the same as if Dan Savage said it, "you did good kid...you did good"

Posted by Rachel Allyn | January 8, 2008 8:41 AM
38

MAME?!?!?!? The Lucille Ball musical version?!?!?

yikes; I hope you were watching it ironically...it's soooo bad, that it's just bad.

Posted by michael strangeways | January 8, 2008 9:28 AM
39

Imagine me ala Chris Crocker: Steven! No!!!!! Oh my god!!! We love you Steven!!! Why are you leaving?!? There will never be another public intern like you!!! Please come back!!! I need your intern help when I come to Seattle at the end of the month!!! God, no! Why are the gods aligning to do this to me?!? Not now! No!!! Public Intern come back!!!!!

Posted by Kristin Bell | January 9, 2008 9:18 AM
40

Damn it. My post got deleted. The truth is, Steven, you are a gay superhero. No doubt about it. I wish you didn't have to go. Period.

Posted by Kristin Bell | January 9, 2008 9:26 AM

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