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Monday, January 14, 2008

5 Days is 5 Days Too Long in Vegas, and 10 Things I Learned at the Porn Convention

posted by on January 14 at 19:30 PM

I’m back! I had to buy an extra suitcase just to haul all the porn schwag and freebies. When I got home, there was one of those airport inspection slips inside the bag. How I wish I could’ve seen the inspector’s face when he cracked this baby open…


I’m very tired - and feel a bit crazy. Five days is way too long to spend in Las Vegas. For anything or anyone. It hurts your brain. All in all, though, this years’ convention and the AVN Awards - “The Oscars of Porn”- was a frickin’ wild ride. One of the highlights, for me, was meeting a bunch of folks that write for FLESHBOT. What a bunch of super-smart sassy-pants. Their coverage of the AVN is the BEST out there. I love them.

Another (unfortunate) highlight was seeing a glimpse of Jenna Jameson, and not even recognizing her. She officially retired from porn, hopefully just in time to eat a damn sandwich. Jenna is becoming Tara Reid. A stick-thin popsicle stick, with no curves anywhere. It’s sad to see.

(photo from

Let’s see, what else did I learn… 10 things, and a ton of photos, after the jump.

1. To be a mainstream porn star, you have to have a french manicure. To have a mainstream porn star girlfriend, you have to have a mohawk and/or a goatee.




I blame all of this on cheeseball ex-rocker Dave Navarro. He's the buzz director this year. This worries me. He wears an inhuman amount of eyeliner.

2. Watching the super-nerds from the CES (Consumer Electronics Show) next door interact with porn is always and forever HILARIOUS.


3. Bathtubs are meant to be used for free booze, photo shoots, and bubble baths with strangers at 6:30 in the morning. That's all I can say about this, okay?


4. Porn stars are athletes. That's also all I can say...


They also, however super-groomed, still get razor burn...



and cellulite, just like the rest of us.


5. There's a new company from Australia called ABBY WINTERS that has natural girls (all-natural bodies, no tanning, and no makeup) that's making lesbian porn. They claim "all real orgasms" in their films. They sound pretty real to me. Their booth at the convention tried to "keep it real" with fake green grass, and porn stars playing chess. Nerd-a-rama. Nerds LOVE Abby Girls.


6. Even with the new Abby Girl movement, and all the cute punk porn chicks...


...fake tits are still everywhere. I know, "duh", but I'm telling you, some you can't believe even when you see them with your very own eyes.


7. There's some serious fetish stuff getting popular. From the guy hanging from the ceiling on "fleshhooks" for 6 hours straight - to the guy who supposedly injected Jack Daniels whiskey into his eyeball - this stuff was freaking me out. And I'm not easily freaked.


8. Clown porn is alive and well. I don't know where it came from, but it's represented every year...


Check out this NSFW video by sharp shootin' photographer Nate "Igor" Smith. I almost went to Circus Circus Casino with them. Dammit. Now I wish I had. Or do I?

Clown Porn A-Go-Go

9. Kimberly Kane is from Portland Oregon, and I am taller and 100 lbs. heavier than Joanna Angel. These girls are my all-time favorites, along with Belladonna and Sasha Grey (who I met, so piss drunk, I don't really even remember it - damn me!)



10. THE GAYS have (almost) left the building. In past conventions, the gays were everywhere - now it seems they're retreating to San Francisco. The GayVN Awards are now February 16th in California...


That's all I got for now. Watch SLOG for more videos, including a tour of new sex toys with Dan Savage.

PHOTOS by Kelly O (except chess playing Abby Winters girl, by Brandon Ivers).

RSS icon Comments


That clown shit freaked the hell out of me.

Posted by Josh VanArsdall | January 14, 2008 7:52 PM

It looks interesting but is it actually sexy? I mean, did you find yourself thinking "wow, this is really hot?"

PS - Abby Winters is a nice site, I definitely recommend them.

Posted by mrcurious | January 14, 2008 7:54 PM

This guy is fucking smokin'. Not as smokin' as, say, *coughmattpowers*, but still...


He could use some facework, though.

Posted by Mr. Poe | January 14, 2008 8:00 PM

I thought the chic in the clown porn vid was a boy at first. lol
Her tits are practically not there. That's just sad.

Although, on the opposite end, the ugly milf with balloon boobs was pretty fucking scary too. Not to mention gross.

Also, props to the Abby Winters gals for playing chess. Intellect is sexy.


Posted by Courtney | January 14, 2008 8:06 PM

Abby Winters has actually been around for quite a while. On our better days, I'd like to claim that we're a bdsm relative of theirs (in a totally unaffiliated kind of way). Good integrity, pretty people, sense of fun- I like them.

Not a big mainstream porn fan, but *swoon* that you got to share a cab with Aurora Snow. ^-^

Posted by Russell | January 14, 2008 8:17 PM

Mr. Poe - that guy is Joe Gallant. Avant composer, musician, and NYC porn director. I'm editing my video interview with him right now (along with the girl in the photo - she's starring in his next flick). He is hot, like Abby Winters, for intellect. We had an inspiring conversation, that lead me to believe not all porn directors have to be douche-bag perverts.

Posted by KELLY O | January 14, 2008 8:18 PM

Also in this list of things I learned - not all porn chicks are douche bag perverts. Miss Aurora Snow was funny and sweet and super-duper cool

Posted by KELLY O | January 14, 2008 8:21 PM

It's somewhat disconcerting to see my name all over the porn post (I almost never run into other Abbys in any situation), but at least it's likeable porn.

Posted by Abby | January 14, 2008 8:34 PM

Kelly, could you tell from looking at Jenna Jameson whether the weight loss was from something like crystal/coke or do you think she's got other issues going on? Sometimes you can tell how someone's lost a lot of weight when they have pipe-face or just that overall greasy-stink meth aura.

Posted by Skankalicious! | January 14, 2008 8:38 PM

@6 You've intrigued me now. It's not often that you see many like him in the industry. I look forward to seeing your interview.

Posted by Courtney | January 14, 2008 8:47 PM

Well he needs to be gay, or become gay, and get over here and work me.

Posted by Mr. Poe | January 14, 2008 9:01 PM

I would just like to know how Jen Graves feels about all of this. Hehe.

Posted by ljg | January 14, 2008 9:58 PM

re bag inspection: a couple of years ago on a trip to eastern Europe I had a dufflebag filled with many, many thousand condoms, a few dildos, and a rubber fake vag thingie (donations for grass roots HIV prevention program working with prostitutes).

I got to see the look on the face of the screener as the bag went thru the big x-ray. Priceless hardly describes it. The dude kept backing it up and then moving it forward. Called his co-workers over to take a gander.

Posted by gnossos | January 15, 2008 12:03 AM

DP and dick sucking for the win.

Posted by Bellevue Ave | January 15, 2008 12:30 AM

Doesn't the clown porn come from the juggalo/juggalette 'subculture' (if you can call that culture)? Correct if I'm wrong.

Posted by bronkitis | January 15, 2008 6:52 AM

Kelly O is hot. Kelly O at the AVNs is SUPER FUCKING HOT...

Posted by Mike in MO | January 15, 2008 10:24 AM

Look, I'm just going to say it, and I actually tried to watch the G4 TV stuff on the AEE - none of these women are sexy.


Not attractive to me in the least.

I just don't get why that's supposed to be sexy - cause it ain't.

Posted by Will in Seattle | January 15, 2008 11:36 AM

#2 and #17 - it's absolutely NON-sexy. When it's right there in front of you, in the open air, in the public, and in the blinding bright of the convention center florescent lights, it completely loses it's power.

I still believe pornography has a tremendous amount of power - but it just doesn't in a real-life, non-fantastic setting like a convention center, or award ceremony.

I'm a photographer - I go for the freak show. It's eye candy overload.

Posted by KELLY O | January 15, 2008 12:06 PM

oh and #9 - my guess is YES. The fact that she blurted out, *at the awards* - *to the industry* that's made her a millionaire, “I will never ever EVER spread my legs again in this industry”, sounds like accidental cracked out honesty to me!

I guess a giant hush fell over the crowd, right after she said it...

Posted by KELLY O | January 15, 2008 12:13 PM

I suppose I should have guessed this, but I for one would have appreciated a NSFW warning somewhere in the jump link.

I'll read it later from home.

Posted by Matthew | January 15, 2008 12:43 PM

Mr. Poe has seriously disturbing taste in men...

Posted by NapoleonXIV | January 15, 2008 12:53 PM

To the baggage scanning machine, books look like bombs, so my bag always gets inspected when there's literature in it.

Posted by reading is wrong | January 15, 2008 1:05 PM

Fake boobs ftl.

Posted by Lloyd Clydesdale | January 15, 2008 2:36 PM

Any line on that freaky after-party where Ron Jeremy 'performed'? All I really remember is that the bathroom was the best place to be - especially if you were dirty and enjoy bubble baths.
I want pics!

Posted by P-Flip | January 16, 2008 2:00 PM

They didn't allow pics!
See Drunk of the Week for a verbal descript

Posted by KELLY O | January 16, 2008 10:32 PM

I found the afterparty's MySpace page w/ pics. My memory is much fuzzier:

Posted by P-Flip | January 21, 2008 8:44 PM

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