Homo Why It Matters That Jeanne Assam Is a Dyke Even if She Isn’t
posted by December 12 at 17:22 PMon
“I bet she’s a dyke,” said my mom the day after Jeanne Assam shot Matthew Murray at New Life Church in Colorado Springs.
“Probably an ex-dyke, but yeah,” I said confidently.
Gay families like ours who’ve lived in Colorado Springs since long before Focus on the Family and New Life came here in the 90s give a shit about details like that because evangelicals who moved into the cul-de-sac hives in the northeastern half of our city in have made our lives miserable with their endless anti-gay rhetoric and politics. On top of that, they’re really boring. Needless to say, we quaffed deeply from the goblet of schadenfreude with which Ted Haggard had filled our cups only a year earlier.
Later that day I went to the press conference at the Colorado Springs Department where Jeanne Assam stood proudly next to the new New Life Pastor Brady Body (shiny loafers!) and recounted how God had blah blah blahed her as she shot Murray. I can’t remember what she said exactly because I was too busy noticing what a complete dyke she was.
Gruff voice, broad shoulders, muscular face, narrow hips resting upon strong thighs, terrible Farrah Fawcett hairstyle and bad makeup! On top of that, she turned out to be 42, had no husband, no children and had been a cop in Minneapolis! Then, and this was the kicker, she said. “God’s gonna fine me a man!” I loved that moment and wrote about it here. (Dan Savage thought I was implying she was a tranny, which hadn’t crossed my mind till he mentioned it, but yeah, it’s also possible).
Later that evening at a high school hockey game, a bunch of my mom’s fellow dyke mom friends were cackling in the stands about what a total dyke Jeanne Assam appeared to be.
“Did you see her at that press conference!? Oh. My. God. Total dyke!” Needless to say, they felt sad for the victims, but they also felt very proud that one of them had shot Matthew Murray had probably saved many people. Most of them and their children live much closer to New Life Church and have to put with the endless homophobia and proselytizing.
Right about now you’re probably saying: a). “She’s a hero, Noel, you ultra-douche. Why can’t you just stop using her for your own little pet political lap dog?” Or, b) “Geez, Noel, what are you the gender cops, you goddamn dyke jockey?” Or, c) “She’s not a dyke because I’ve know her for her whole entire life, trannysack.” Or d) You’re such and angry, spiteful infinity douche, Noel!”
All fine points and well taken. Now:
a) Yes, she’s a hero and that’s great, but New Life Pastor Brady Boyd immediately trotted her out on a Christian leash as his own little lapdog despite the fact that, as a woman, she and her heroism are the direct result of everything that New Life and Huckabee cum socks despise about the women’s movement and lesbian feminism: She’s a strong, independent-minded, single non-mother in her late 40s working in a field that, only a couple generations ago, was the exclusive province of men. Obviously, a big part of the press conference was also damage control. New Life has already seen at least a 20 percent drop in attendance and a significant drop in giving. But if God is protecting them, they shouldn’t have much to fear. However, if it’s a lesbian that’s protecting them, well … And for me and my people, it’s only fair to point out the obvious at the same time: she’s one of us, too—directly or indirectly. New Life is an incredibly power political force, albeit somewhat diminished by Ted Haggard’s hunk fetish, and it would be naive to think that the press conference wasn’t also a political face-saver.
b) Why yes, I do consider myself part of the gender police here in Colorado Springs. Thank you! Though I will admit I’m self-deputized, I took it upon myself personally to point out to the entire world what a completely gay place New Life Church was and turned out to be! Perhaps you read my article, “The Crystal Cathedral” in this very publication. Of course, New Life Church chose to make Ted Haggard a scapegoat and did nothing to address the inherent homosexual culture in their church culture. Their new pastor, Brady Body, refused to even meet with Mike Jones and did nothing to address the pain Ted Haggard’s hypocrisy caused the queer community. So, basically, it’s still a place safe for misinformation, repressed sexuality and homophobia. And it’s still got people like Jeanne Assam running around the halls making it safe for them to do all that shit. Go fucking figure.
c) Whether or not she licks labia, she’s got the look, the swagger, the authority and the career path of a totally badass butch dyke. In my book, as I’ve said, that makes her a dyke, culturally at the very least. Whether she’s practicing is her business, but the goods are on the table.
d) Why yes, I am angry and spiteful. I’m absolutely fucking furious that I and my family still have to live with the homophobia and condescension of superstitious sheep who eat the fruits of queer culture one day then shit it out the next and call it God. But you don’t see me with a handgun and a backpack full of ammo rushing to the slaughter. So save your rage for the home-schooled Christian Matthew Murray and thank all the dykes like Jeanne Assam who made the world a safer place for more disaffected home-schooled Christians like Matthew Murray.