I'm voting Terry keeps the mustache and you dye your hair blonde. Your poor son will never live it down when you guys show up at his Christmas recital (or whatever it is schools do these days).

Listen, guys. You may think this is rough, but consider how many straight couples there are who, after 13 years together, don't have sex at all. (Or at least, not with each other.)

The correct answer is, suck it up and learn to live with it. He's not a puppet you get to play dressup with.

On the other hand, you have every right in the world to make fun of him for it too. I suggest constant not-quite-suppressed laughter. And make an effort to embarrass him, by preparing lots of soup and other mustache-soiling comestibles.

The polls don't work for me, BTW.

Your aim is to retaliate to terry - not impose your retaliation to the rest of the world.

So vagina pic works - the world doesn't need the ugliness of another dyed-blond when it clearly doesn't suit them.

I really want my boyfriend to grow a beard, but all he can manage is some rough stubble after a week and a complete nude upper lip.

Has anyone ever gotten mad with a boyfriend who CAN'T grow proper facial hair?

DTMFA!!1!one

Vagina pic on forehead, and you should post a photo of this happening.

I'm with @2 Dan, this is a petty little blip in life. Let the issue go and he'll not keep it to spite you, he'll shave it off soon enough and in the meantime you don't let him (fill in the blank) you or you him- in a week or so its gone and you'll get over it, maybe with the help of an extra cocktail in the interim. If this is the worst difficulty your marriage faces count your lucky stars.

I would think that his stay-at-home-and-raise-your-kid status means his Visa bills and all the purchased items they represent are 50% his, 50% yours.

Buy Terry one of these, and tell him he's free to wear it about in public. But not when you're around.

Dan,
Your life is so interesting. Thank you for sharing every bit of it with the little people.

Is it against the rules to ask for a pic of Terry with said hair lip? I don't want to violate the "keep the significant others out of this" rules, but I like to think of myself as an informed voter.

OK. I'll do him. You watch TV or something.

Slip him a mickey and shave the mustache off when he's conked out on the floor/couch/bed. Either that or be a big boy, and buy a blindfold.

I think you should have an honest talk with him about how fat he's getting, ignoring entirely the issue of the mustache. Then develop a food-plan in which you select foods that will inevitably get trapped in and dangle off of the mustache--thick soups, cream sauces, sticky rice, and and puddings, for starters--ignoring completely the effect that this will have on his weight. Make sure you snap a picture of him when the mustache is looking particularly foul, and post it here for all the world to see. Hope that he comes to the realization that the mustache is absurd sometime before he reaches 250 lbs.

I'm with 12.

Pics or "GTFO"!

Wow...retaliation...what a grown up and mature thing to do.

My boyfriend has a sexy red beard and when it gets shaggy I ask him to let me trim it. He usually does. Once he decided to grow a HUGE FUCKING GIGANTIC TENTACLE BEARD like in that Johnny Depp movie. I hated it. It was ugly. It scratched me. I used to get it in my nose, mouth, and eyes in the night when I would roll over to cuddle him.

But...

He wanted it and it's his face and I dealt with it. Eventually he got tired of it and it went away. Now he is my sexy little bearded guy again.

Moral of story: Deal with it Dan. It'll go eventually. Besides, as is already evident, throwing a hissy fit because he doesn't look exactly the way you want him to will just make him upset and dig in his heels.

Oh yeah is this related to the fact that you're "bearphobic"? ^_^

I too think that moustaches are gross. I just don't see how anyone could stand having one. When I'm stuck in a meeting with one, I spend the whole time trying to avoid eye-contact with it.

The beauty of two dudes doin it is that you DON'T have to face each other. Learn to cope.

Now if he gains 100 lbs then that's a whole other story.

You should post a before and after shot of Terry. And you too with blonde hair.

Dude, I call foul on the Visa bills thing. Not cool. I vote Terry dumps YOU already.

I'm happy to see the vaginia-on-the-forehead option holds a commanding lead.

"(His Visa bills, however, are my property.)"

Totally unnecessary and rude to post online. Those Visa bills make up for the hell it must be living with you.

I say let him keep it only if he agrees to trim like Hitler.

On a related note, I've always wanted do grow a gnarly Rollie Fingers 'stach, but never had the balls to go through with it.

Perhaps you need to stop being so shallow and emphasizing the aesthetic element here and merely start gently noting the health concerns associated with mustaches. Perhaps the two of you could make a routine of visiting barbershops and getting shaved together. Anything more and you might damage his fragile ego. He knows his mustache is a problem, Dan! There's too much mustachephobia in this society already! Be gentle!

Dan, he can have his moustache. Then you just have him dress like the guy in Reno 911 and wear the short shorts. It's only those TV cops from small towns that have moustaches for the long term anyways.

Play the fun vagina-on-the-forehead game until Saturday--and be lighthearted about it enough that both of you know that it's a game--, when you finally get to "wrestle" him to the ground and shave his lip for him. You know, preferably in your underwear or something. And, when his attractiveness and your sex drive are properly restored, have at it. Good times for all.

cosmic disco FTW!

Ya, when I grew a mustache my husband insisted I shave or wax it off immediately, no fair! It was a total turn off to him too ; )

You should just withhold yourself from him until he shaves it off. Make him sleep on the couch or have a headache for a month.

You should dye your blond but do a weave it looks better.

Hey, as you've stated, you control the Visa card. Cut his off until he shaves, then tape up articles about the bounteous snow at various ski resorts. He'll break.

Also, your second poll question should have a third possible reply: "Do nothing". This is honestly the best strategy if the goal is to say good bye to the 'stashe. The more you bitch and moan and retaliate, the longer your balls will be tickled by his soup strainer...

I voted that Terry gets to keep the 'stache, because he has a right to, but I don't think it's in his best interest...

Don't all couples have these little discussions about appearance and grooming etc.? My wife routinely offers me 'suggestions' on my clothing and appearance which I tend to follow out of enlightened self-interest. Similarly, she has over the years made changes to her hairstyle and wardrobe in part to appeal to me.

IMO it is pretty stupid to intentionally change your appearance in a way that you know will be unattractive to your partner.

for the love of god, do NOT dye your hair blonde. jesus! you already did it once - didn't you learn your lesson the first time? why punish yourself in order to prove a point?

why stop at wearing the vagina to bed? wear it FULL TIME. this is the only way to drive the point home. he'll be asleep in bed anyway.

Where's the other choice?

I wanted Terry to tape a vj to his forehead and Dan to grow a moustache ...

As a bearded person, my vote is that Terry should TOTALLY be able to keep the moustache. Totally. Dan, Dan, Dan. . .

And you should dye your hair blond. Sweet Jesus! I'd love to see that.

Maybe it is your man's way of telling you he wants out.

@33: What about their son? Maybe boys are different, but if my dad walked around wearing a picture of a vagina on his forehead, I'd be scarred for life!

What was all that about being "Good, Giving and Game"....?

I hope your fella grows his stache down to his fuckin' knees!

HAIRY MEN RULE!!!!

btw- your forehead already looks like a vagina.

Don’t air your problems on the Internet. March is hardly forever to wait. Close your eyes and think of others or of him pre-stache. Tape a picture of stacheless him to his forehead. Dying your hair is less cumbersome and less stupid than taping a picture to your forehead. You might get to like the stache; scary thought, but it’s not impossible. Another compromise is his wearing it every other year or every fall-winter. Your poll choices are bad.

Is this relevant to anyone except you and Terry? Is Slog a personal blog?

Sounds like divorce-town to me.

Ahh. Now the earlier Burt Reynolds post makes sense.

My suggestion would be to turn back time. Obviously, Terry got pissed when you were like, shave off the damned thing, or else. And rightly so, since having a moustache for a week for a theme party is totally reasonable, even if you hate it. So, he digs his heels in. If you had just been like, hey, I don’t like it but it’s only for a week, it probably wouldn’t have escalated this far.

There *should* be a third option of doing nothing. Maybe he re-gets you back by getting a monochromatic suit, then insisting on not shaving the stache off until learning, playing and singing you the entire Sgt. Peppers album (Bee Gees version) without error.

The thing about paying his Visa bills was awful! If I recall correctly, you're a couple, you have a small son, and both of you chose that Terry would be a stay-at-home dad, and that you would go on working and paying the bills. So it's totally dishonest and tyrannical to want him to shave off his mustache just because you pay the bills. What's the difference between this kind of attitude from you and from an abusive husband to his wife who stays home taking care of the kids? I don't see any!

Stop talking to him about it, but also stop looking at his face. Face away from him when you're having conversation, sit next to him instead of across at the dinner table, turn out the lights before you go to bed.

Either he will be creeped out by your campaign of not looking at him and shave, or you will have just learned how to deal with a temporarily unattractive spouse.

Also, I think "should Terry be able to grow a mustache for a party" and "should Terry be able to grow a mustache and keep it indefinitely" are two separate issues.

The first is a no-brainer (yes, duh, even if you hate it). The second is more complicated... Ideally, if you absolutely hated it, he should shave it off. But, if you're a dick about it and act like you're entitled to have him shave it off, I can understand why he might not want to.

I loved the advice from #25, Angry Female! That's right, tell him you two should start going to barbers together, and raise the health problems related to having a mustache!

Shave it off in his sleep.

In the morning, tell him that Christmas elves took it and used it to stuff pillows for tiny, injured hedgehogs.

Or you could try bribing him to shave his mustache. When I was 9 my mom bribed me to cut my hair by buying me a Nintendo.

It could work for you! The Wii is pretty awesome.

It's out of your hands. The problem is, it's also out of his hands.

You see, I started growing a moustache two weeks ago. It was my birthday, and just for fun, I thought I'd shock everyone at the party.

And then after the party, I figured what the hell, I'll keep it for a few days and shock my co-workers.

And then after a few days I thought, well, I'll keep it until we meet this big milestone at work, and then I'll shave it off to celebrate.

That milestone was delivered yesterday. And this morning I started thinking maybe I'll keep the moustache until Christmas.

You see, it's no longer just a moustache: it's an investment.

How long, do you think, until I can twirl the ends into little points?

I agree about the Visa comment. From an outsider's perspective, it seems out of line (though, I guess it's possible that it's something you joke about regularly).

@ 37, Dan said he'd tape the vagina pic to his forehead at bedtime. If he meant to do it all the time, he'd finally have given ecce homo something legitimate to complain about.

Moustaches are absurd and ugly affectations of a personal anti-style. One can't be expected to take a moustache seriously anymore that one would take "being-in-a-band" seriously as a career. Tell Terry no one, absolutely no one, thinks a mustache actually is attractive. People who don’t raise objections to a moustache also wouldn’t raise objections if you wore a cow-pie on your head, in other words they’re too numb to care.

The cosmic disco, btw, goes down at Nectar on Saturday. Dan will be there with a vagina taped to his forehead.

Go out, have sex with some homeless dude and get crabs, then make Terry give you a blow job so they all move into his fucking face. He'll be buzzing it off in no time. This can actually happen....trust me.....

who the hell is she to dictate what he does with his own body, you women tell us it's."your body" all the time! what if he told her you must shave your legs everyday, no matter what or i'll not have sex with you!
such a double standard here.

Wow, the Visa bill comment makes you sound like the businessman who makes big money and forces the wife to have a boob job.

Luckily for @51, I fully support hair experimentation by men (even the one I'm married to). As a woman, I am free to change the cut, color, and length of my hair whenever I want, and I think men should be able to enjoy the same variety. Even through those awkward in-between phases, and even with lip-tickling corny-looking mustaches.

Dear Dan,

I recently made a temporary cosmetic change to my appearance. In retaliation, my long-haul boyfriend is insinuating his considerable readership that I'm a freeloader who mooches off his sugardaddy, even though the reality is that we decided together that I'd be the stay-at-home dad. He's also asking his readers how he should retaliate against me. Is this slander and plotting justified? Should I DTMFA?

Terry should join our fund raising club: http://www.mustachesforkids.org/seattle/
(Site needs to be updated for this growing season.)

Mustaches for Kids - Seattle Chapter

There's about 20 of us growing our own mustache for a month and taking donations for Child Haven for our efforts. Think of it as if we're running a marathon. But instead of physical strain, we're going through mental anguish by way of our friends and spouses refusal to look at us and overt avoidal by the general public. All for the kids.

Check out Child Haven too: childhaven.org

@53: I know that, but I wasn't talking about what Dan said. I was replying to what Brandon said @33: "why stop at wearing the vagina to bed? wear it FULL TIME."
That would totally cause some emotional scars if Dan took Brandon's advice, even if he was kidding!

1. He gets to keep it.

2. You don't get to do anything to him, but you can do anything you want to yourself.

Work it out, crybaby.

Let the natural market forces work this out. If you're disgusted by a mustache (I would be too) then you won't put out, and when Terry gets horny enough he'll shave it in order to get some action. Kind of a "freakonomics" kinda thing.

Just want to jump in here for a sec: That Visa bill crack? We joke about that shit all the time, people. Terry's the stay-at-home dad and what's mine is his, etc. But we have a sense of humor about it.

But what's his is mine -- and that includes his upper lip.

he that jokes, confesses

@ 62 - whoops. Got it.

Get those wimpy pumpkin kids from across the street to ridicule him every time he steps outside the house.

PizmoSF: "no one, absolutely no one, thinks a mustache actually is attractive"

Inga thinks mine makes the cunnilingus better.

Which doesn't really help Dan and Terry, I suppose.

Terry! Grow a beard next! Rub Rogaine on your chest and legs! Grow your pubes and bum hair out to insane levels...We'll turn you into a Bear and drive Dan insane!!!

BooHaHa! (evil laughter)

When I decided to grow a beard to go with my existing mustache, I asked my (late) partner first and he said he didn't care. He knew one of the features I was attracted to him for was his beard so he never mentioned shaving even though I know there were times he wanted to over our 20 years together.

After he died, I shaved. My oldest niece called me a "hottie" post-shave and at 42 I was suddenly young and popular again...not that I've acted on it, nor been in the mood to.

But I have kept it all shaved off. It wouldn't take long for it all to grow back, and I think facial hair is hot on a guy. So Dan, when you're done with Terry over this, give him my e-mail, willya? I wouldn't even have to learn a new name to scream out since they have that much in common.

my man once shaved his lovely beard into a "hell fire," which is when you just shave the chin and leave all the rest--looks like a horrible fur rope extending down the face from one ear, cresting over the lip, and wrapping down and then up the other side o' the face. Yes, I stopped feeling attracted to him. Yes, he did this on my birthday, and yes, I cried for three days. And yes, I eventually ended the relationship because really, it's such a frivolous thing to have upset me so much, and such a frivolous thing for him to have disregarded my feelings over.

Moustaches are absurd and ugly affectations of a personal anti-style.

Or maybe they're just the natural result of doing something UNnatural like raking a piece of metal across one's face.

The Visa comment makes you sound like a Republican, Dan.

And yes, he's digging in his hells because you're being a sissy-faggot about it.

Ummm...
@72: That's not necessarily a frivolous thing to get upset about, but it IS a frivolous thing to break up about...
That said, while no one has any right to make demands about another person's hair situation, Dan is perfectly in his right express his opinions about the matter, and more than perfectly in his right to be unattracted to something that he is uncontrollably unattracted to.
My boyfriend regularly has to do random and often annoying things to his hair and face due to being an actor... I put up with it because he's worth it, but then, on the other hand, when he's not at the mercy of a director, he does pretty much bend to my will on that front; he doesn't actually care about his own hair, beyond beign lazy about it.

The problem with mustaches is that most guys look terrible in them. TERRIBLE. And the sad part is that they can't admit it. I'm with the ones who say tease him.

But seriously, Dan, the more you tell them not to do something, the more they want to......

The Visa bill comment was a low blow

@65

So using that logic Terry could tell you that YOU have to grow a mustache or he'll start pasting vagina's to his face. Or maybe he might ask you to Nair your whole body or he'll start wearing plastic breasts.

As you can see your logic is flawed. ^_^

How about this, Dan: make him bleach his mustache blond.

In my opinion, you're not really a fag until you've fucked a man with a moustache. You, Dan, are just one of those semi-fags who only lust after smooth, thin, hairless boys that may as well be women. Put a boner where the vajayjay goes, replace boobs with pecs and bingo! You get all googly-eyed. That's not homosexuality. That's heterosexuality with a few tweaks.

When we started sating, my wife and I used to have a similar fights about my goatee. She didn't like it because it reminded her of kissing her dad. I didn't like being told what to do. She eventually stopped giving me blowjobs. I haven't grown facial hair since.

Initially, she started to give me blowjobs. Then we got married and the blowjobs stopped.

Maybe I need to grow a mustache.

I am the opposite - I get pissed when my husband shaves his off. Everyonce in a while he goofs when trimming it and he'll shave the whole thing off. Some guys it doesn't look good - so has to look good. I love the hairy lip on him - makes him look like Tom Selleck.

@65 Fnarf has the best solution and my husband and I joke about credit cards all the time. I sell myself to him often and earn quite a good living doing it...

I even earned a trip to Cancun!!

I grew a mustache last summer, I thought it was going to be cool. The someone used my camera to take pictures of me with a few friends I was visiting back east. I looked at the images on my computer that evening and that mustache did not last very long. It was gone and I will never do it again. Some guys look good in a mustache (mainly young guys) but I am older I looked like an idiot. But I have to admit I never looked good in one even when I tried growing one when I was 17. Gotie ya mustache no.

Soooo Just take a picture of him and frame it or show it to him maybe he will see just how bad he looks.

@ 80
Yes I hate gay men that think this way. Like they are more masculine than everyone else because they have sex with so called "real men", men with hair.
Geesh! Get fucking over your self!

You fucked up when you demanded he shave it off. As you should well know by now, most guys don't respond well to demands and threats. Even swishy guys. We dig our heals in. It's a guy thing. Just look at our president, stubbornly refusing to admit his little war was a mistake, even in the face overwhelming evidence. He'd probably bail out of it if there were any way to do so in a face saving way, but he'll never leave if it means admitting he made a mistake.

Terry has every right to grow a mustache. It's his fucking lip, not yours.

But that does not mean it's a good idea for Terry to grow a mustache. Like our stubborn president, you must find a way for him to shave his mustache in a face saving way where he does not have to admit it was a mistake to grow it. It sounds like a mid-life crisis thing, or he's getting tired of playing the mommy and is trying to butch it up a bit.

And although Terry has every right in the world to do whatever he wants with his own facial hair, you certainly have every right to make your displeasure known. I like the idea of dying you dying your hair blond. Just be sure to tell him that you'll dye it back to its normal color (or a color of his choice) the minute he shaves the mustache.

Close 'em polls, Danyo.

What does DJ think? In my experience, parents (of either sex) will do something at their kids request that they wouldn't for a spouse. So if DJ is on your side you can probably get some backup.

But stop demanding he do what you tell him to, we stay at home parents hate that and will go on a monster shopping spree with your visa if you continue!

If DJ is on Terry's side you are fucked. Tape an old pic of a non-mustachioed Terry over his face when you go to bed. Maybe that will help.

Oh come on...he should have to get a vagina TATTOO on his forehead for this rather than just being let off the hook by pasting a photo to his forehead.

Here's some tape...gina.

Once my husband decided have a little fun before completely shaving his goatee and 'stache, and so accompanied me to a local mall wearing a big, dumb '70's cop moustache. He looked extremely silly, and kept saying things like,"What seems to be the problem?" or "Is this the alleged perp?"

Of course the joke backfired when we ran into his boss, who said, "Steve?" in an incredulous tone. Maybe Terry will be similarly embarrassed.

(BTW, Hawt and his wife had hot sex after he not only tells her she's unappealing, but also that his head is easily turned by others? Hmmmmm.....does that ring true, everyone?)

Hey, what about letting DJ decide? He sounds like a smart kid. What's his opinion?

I am not allowed to cut my hair. He should not be allowed to keep the 'stache. End of story. Just don't do him until he shaves it. If you are not physically attracted to him show him what it is like not to get any. If he wants you bad enough - he'll shave it.

He's entitled to have it (gross). You're entitled to hate it and refuse to go within 10 feet of it.

AND he is entitled to footwear from Manolo Blahnik's recently revived men's line to make up for the public Visa joke.

Dan, I suspect this is Terry's way of saying he wants to be tied face-down to the bed and spanked hard. Don't you agree?

I hope Terry kicks your sorry ass out on the curb.

Or, how about this. I think mustaches are hot. I'll fuck your boyfriend, and you can sit in the corner with a picture of a vagina taped to your head and watch.

I totally get your visceral reaction to the moustache. I've never seen anyone who could pull off a moustache without looking like a child molester.

But it is Terry's upper lip, and it's his choice what he wants to do with it. However, as part of the give-and-take that occurs in any relationship, he should *choose* to get rid of it because you (100% rightly) think it's gross. He should keep it until the party *if and only if* there is a fabulous "Best 70's porn star costume" prize that he fully expects to win if the moustache is intact.

Well, 96, Terry was mustache-free when I married him, and I was an asshole when he married me. If I wanted a man with facial hair, I wouldn't have married Terry. If he wanted someone that wasn't an asshole, he wouldn't have married me.

But that sitting in the corner and watching while someone else fucks Terry sounds pretty hot -- we'll have to try that sometime.

He is a free man to *choose* a moustache that repulses you. He is also an adult with a responsibility not to disgust his own spouse. I can't believe a moustache is that darn important that it trumps getting laid.

I stopped getting laid when I went from slamming hot to grotesquely huge. I LOST THE WEIGHT and got laid. Same for my husband when he got gross and flabby. He started taking care of himself and OH MY GOD he got laid.

The same goes with the mustache.

I had a mustache as a high school student in the late '70s. My yearbook picture looks like Frank Zappa. Maybe Dan should take Terry over to the vintage section at Value Village and find a nice leisure suit to complete the look.

I feel your pain, Dan. My bf got a bizarro haircut that made him look skeezy in my eyes. Sure, he's free to change his appearance however he wants, but if that change makes him unattractive to me, he has to choose what's more important.

"But now Terry is upset. He’s accusing me of being controlling."

Gosh, why would he say something like that? The nerve.

Grow up, don't be so superficial.

It sounds like you're only with him because of how he looks. If there was more to it, you wouldn't be so upset.