TV In Defense of (and in Love with) Crowned
posted by December 13 at 9:49 AMon
As Eli noted yesterday, last night brought the premiere episode of Crowned, the new CW reality show in which teams of mother-daughter pageant queens live in a house together and compete for…something.
“Crowned is the first in an onslaught of nonscripted programs to hit the networks’ schedule since the Hollywood writers’ strike began,” notes the Washington Post. “If Crowned is any indicator of what to expect, viewers are in for a thoroughly depressing 2008.”
That’s one way to look at it. Another is: holy crap! Despite it’s complete immersion in/obsession with/exploitation of grotesque meaningless bullshit, Crowned scores major points as a collection of uniquely awful human behavior.
Among the premiere’s key delights:
*The mandatory, introductory mini-performances given by each mother-daughter team, which ranged from bite-size raps to messily choreographed pose-dances to what looked like simultaneous acid flashbacks.
*The team names chosen by the mother-daughter competitors, most of which deployed the word “bombshell” (the Blonde Bombshells, the Redheaded Bombshells). Leading the surreal team-name pack: Silent But Deadly, chosen by the mother-daughter pair that “may not say much, but when it comes time to deliver, we’re winners.” Neither mother nor daughter displayed any awareness of their moniker’s gassy connotation. (Such linguistic klutziness is also at play in the show’s title, which obviously refers to the crowning of pageant queens, but given the mother-daughter set-up, also serves to remind viewers that, once upon a time, the placenta-smeared skulls of half the contestants emerged from the other half of the contestants’ vaginas.)
Needless to say, the whole thing’s terrible, but it’s terrible in some fascinating new ways, especially for those of us infected by Shari Cookson’s miraculous Living Dolls with a lifelong morbid obsession with all things beauty pageant.
Crowned continues at 8pm Wednesday on the CW.