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Thursday, December 13, 2007

Abridged Field Guide to Slog Commenters

posted by on December 13 at 14:52 PM

(In honor of the inaugural SLOG happy hour…)

Chameleon Framiliaris
Distinguishing Characteristics:
A clever and fantastic one-off name relevant to the original post.
Sample Comment:

it was totally a bicyclist.

Posted by critical masshole | December 13, 2007 1:04 PM

With provocation, Chameleon Framiliaris can convert into any of a variety of trollis forms.
Scientists hypothesize this is due to the increased anonynimity of the commenter, an application of the Greater Internet Fuckwad Theorem thesis.

Compulsivaris Insightfulian
Distinguishing Characteristics:
Consistent commenting, on nearly every post, but with something interesting, enlightening or entertaining to say
Sample Comment:

I’m still waiting for someone to tell me what the actual effects of steroid use on a BASEBALL player are — how many home runs, exactly, how many strikeouts, and how that’s different than the drugs that Babe Ruth or Mickey Mantle took; or how trying to win with steroids is worse than trying to win with biomechanical research, high-tech composites in your shoes, and so forth; and what it says about the era immediately PRECEDING this one, when steroids were much more prevalent — and more primitive — but no one ever got caught.

And of course the coming era, which has probably already started, when players take substances that work ten times better than steroids but can’t be traced or tested for. There’s no test for HGH, even, and that’s old school already.

Posted by Fnarf | December 13, 2007 9:12 AM

Can be provoked to extreme fits of anger by imbecilic comments.

Compulsivaris Framiliaris
Distinguishing Characteristics:
Consistent commenting, on nearly every post, generally entertaining and obnoxious
Sample Comment:

I honestly don’t believe in addiction, Judah. Sorry. Not me. And I’ve had this argument 3,000,000 times already, so let’s just agree that you’re right and I’m wrong.
Posted by Mr. Poe | December 4, 2007 1:38 PM

May lack self-awareness. (See comment above as well as the definition of addictive behavior.)

Compulsivaris Insightfulian Crankus
Distinguishing Characteristics:
Persistent commenting on many posts, but with a contrarian’s bent. Frequently viciously obnoxious, but also interesting to read.
Sample Comment:

So because you don’t wear proper attire and are scared of making a claim on your insurance and hence refuse neccesary medical care, we need to avoid building mass/rapid transit?

Sorry dude, you’re the dumbass. Stay out of the ruts, duh…

Posted by ecce homo | December 7, 2007 1:35 PM

The voice of this group is remarkably similar to A Birch Steen. Some have hypothesized that these “many” commenters are in fact Mr. Steen under various guises.

Trollis Framiliaris
Distinguishing Characteristics:
Obnoxious off-topic comments designed to provoke. Often repetitive, noise-like.
Sample Comment:

Jews can be athiests and still believe that g-d gave us Israel. Judaism is a much more sophisticated religion. If Bill Nye had said G-d didn’t give Israel to the Jews, that would be something to worry about.

The idiot Christians must be forced to give up their g-d, but the Jews will always have Israel because g-d gave it to us. This cognitive dissonance is beyond the intellectual capabilities of most goi, and especially shiksa.

Posted by Issur | August 27, 2007 6:12 PM

Do not feed the trolls.

Compulsivaris Transitus
Distinguishing Characteristics:
Obsessive commenting on transit related posts.
Sample Comment:


Posted by Bellevue Ave | December 12, 2007 4:53 PM

May be in other groups, but driven to new levels of rage by minor disagreements on transit policy.

RSS icon Comments


Thank god they didn't mention infrequent, but annoying and irrelevant posters.

Posted by Sigourney Beaver | December 13, 2007 2:57 PM

Or for that matter, frequent, but annoying and irrelevant posters....

Posted by NapoleonXIV | December 13, 2007 3:03 PM


Posted by Mr. Poe | December 13, 2007 3:09 PM

Or frequent, annoying, but occasionally relevent posters...

Posted by COMTE | December 13, 2007 3:11 PM

Don't feed them? Amy's buying them drinks tonight, and they get to guest-Slog. Blow me.

Posted by rene's awiggler | December 13, 2007 3:14 PM

Or frequent posters like me. Wait, no, this isn't right. I was snubbed. FACK!

Posted by Bellevue Ave | December 13, 2007 3:14 PM

Ack! Too busy today to do a proper job.

Perhaps we'll make the unabridged version tonight over drinks.

Posted by Jonathan Golob | December 13, 2007 3:22 PM

this post is just wrong on soooo many levels; its' ouright racism, sexism, and homophobia shows that the stranger is a really a front for big tobacco and corporate greed. when slog isn't outing dyke rent a cops it is ignoring police brutality and promoting the decline of society by encouraging barebacking, meth and chris crocker.

everyone in seattle is so petty and clique-y, i'm moving to portland where us unique unicorns can frolic in peace and harmony, far, far away from all you bitter and tweaker jewish drag queens.

Posted by Compulsivaris Trollis Concernus | December 13, 2007 3:24 PM

I do believe that the entirety of the city is on the rag right now.

Slog commenters are no exception.

Posted by just as pissy as everyone else | December 13, 2007 3:32 PM


Posted by critical masshole | December 13, 2007 3:33 PM

@8, you self absorbed prick, do you just not give a shit about the surface option? I can tell that you're texting frim your SUV, drinking Starbucks and not even thinking about transit. Jesus I hate you pricks from Ballard.

Posted by rene's awiggler | December 13, 2007 3:35 PM

@10, Who are you?

Posted by Bellevue Ave | December 13, 2007 3:36 PM

many of us are on the rag, 24/7/365 'cause thats how we keep it real.

real fucking bitchy. and bling.
we call that "slog gangsta style.....",
or something.

Posted by pissy mcslogbot | December 13, 2007 3:41 PM

Right. Just buy frequent posters drinks. We don't need to be fed.

Thanks, Amy!

Posted by Will in Seattle | December 13, 2007 3:45 PM

The Greater Internet Fuckwad Theory is not a theorem. It has no formal proof. Rather, it is merely a thesis of sorts.

Furthermore, fucking fuck asshole shitcock. Bitch.

Posted by tsm | December 13, 2007 3:46 PM

@12 - oh I go by sooooooooooooooo many names, it's almost trivial to get into any one of them. i've been around for a while. :*

Posted by (sock) puppet master | December 13, 2007 3:48 PM

I don't think Amy's actually buying the drinks, peeps. Not even for superstars like Fnarf.

Posted by Fnarf | December 13, 2007 3:53 PM

what about those people who continually try to bring it back to issues of racism?

Posted by Jiberish | December 13, 2007 3:56 PM


Posted by Greg | December 13, 2007 3:56 PM

well bellevue ave, are you going to be there tonight even though you were snubbed?

Posted by taffypull | December 13, 2007 3:57 PM

Science updated the post with a Bellevue Ave shoutout!

Posted by kid icarus | December 13, 2007 4:04 PM

@17 That's true--I can barely afford my own drinking habit. Pints and wells will be $2, though.

Posted by Amy Kate Horn | December 13, 2007 4:07 PM

I can play wii from my bathroom. It's awesome.

Posted by Joh | December 13, 2007 4:12 PM

@20, I won't be. My girlfriend is being sweet to me tonight; cooking me dinner, giving me a spa type pampering, maybe a cocktail or two. I am having a birthday week apparently. I will be there next time though. January 10th. BOOK IT!

Posted by Bellevue Ave | December 13, 2007 4:14 PM

Lame! I'm no longer beautiful....

Posted by (sock) puppet master | December 13, 2007 4:20 PM

So, do they have hard cider on tap?

Posted by Will in Seattle | December 13, 2007 4:24 PM

I was told there would be a free hat...

and punch and pie.

Posted by michael strangeways | December 13, 2007 4:30 PM

This is so typical of your Capitol Hill mentality. Look, would it kill one of you smug hipster fucks to get off your fixie once in a while and realize that other places exist? If you don't like it, LEAVE. You fatphobic, sexist, racist pigs. Gay people do fucked-up shit too; what if I posted about that all day? Huh?

Posted by courtesy of the CommentMaster 3000 | December 13, 2007 4:34 PM


I'm straight, and one of my #1 hobbies is punching babies.

And I don't ride a fixy. I have a sweet pink huffy with streamers on the handlebars.

Posted by Joh | December 13, 2007 4:35 PM

@ Trollis Framiliaris

Posted by Jiberish | December 13, 2007 4:38 PM

@28 i meant

Posted by Jiberish | December 13, 2007 4:42 PM

hey dan! are fat chick bloggers invited?

Posted by scary tyler moore | December 13, 2007 4:43 PM

Fat people have to keep a 20 foot distance from mister Savage so he doesn't catch the disease.

Posted by Joh | December 13, 2007 4:45 PM

This is just like the Golden Globes. It's an honor just to be not nominated.

Posted by boomer in NYC | December 13, 2007 4:50 PM

I'm not actually going inside Moe; I'm just going to doublepark in my Hummer outside, idling. Y'all can come out and shake my hand; I got plenty of love for the little people.

Posted by Fnarf | December 13, 2007 4:50 PM

"one of my #1 hobbies is punching babies."

sweet, thats much more fun than my sex toy dioramas that re-enact the greatest moments of the constitutional congress and/or old ricki lake episodes.

Posted by pissy mcslogbot | December 13, 2007 4:52 PM


Ricki Lake was hot in Hairspray.

I'd punch her babies.

Posted by Joh | December 13, 2007 5:01 PM

Same old names. Where's the rest of the world?

Posted by jay | December 13, 2007 5:09 PM

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