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Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Priests: A Closer Peek!

posted by on November 13 at 14:23 PM

Priests (Pedofilius Catholicus) are bewildering and morally suspect creatures, and they have been since the moment Jesus said, “Hey! Peter! You’re my ROCK or whatever!” and levitated up to heaven to begin ignoring us all. But is the sketchy reputation of these beasts called “priests” truly deserved? Does the knee-jerk prejudice that so many of us harbor against the altar boy-boffing men in black warrant a closer look?

Yes. And no. Respectively.

Now, I know a thing or two about priests, thank you, for three reasons: I was born and raised in ostensibly the second most Irish Catholic town in the country (Boston is #1) and that shit just doesn’t wash off, I am the illegitimate great grandson of a priest (true story, don’t ask), and I’m face-fucking a priest at this moment. So I know my priests, yes sir, and howdy. And against all evidence, I’ve always wanted to believe in the noble image of what a priest should be—-and what a priest should be is Father John Patrick Mulcahy. From Mash. 4077. And you do TO remember, don’t make me smack you. Father Mulcahy was the perfect priest: kind, forgiving, gentle-eyed, soft voiced, totally useless, ambiguously gay, but nary a copy of Teen Beat, the Zac Effron Edition in sight. Father Mulcahy was unafraid to do what was right, to speak his little mind, and always handy for rushing in at a moments notice, rosary beads a-clackin’, to give some poor doomed extra a quick Last Rites. Father Mulcahy: The perfect priest.

Well, he only exists in fiction. I understand that now.

Here’s what happened:

Last Sunday (rather ironically) I found myself walking past a terrible accident: A woman (I could tell by the shoes) was on the ground, clearly in unhealthy circumstances, head and torso completely covered by a black coat, not moving, possibly dead, surrounded by intense looking people on cell phones. A typical accident scene. Approaching from the other direction (hallelujah!), a Catholic Priest. I watched, curious as a cat, to see exactly what he would do. Would he drop to his knees with a hearty Hail Mary! and begin holy-oiling the poor woman into heaven? Would he begin CPR? Would he engage the crowd, find out what happened, offer to provide what help he could? Give the poor woman an aspirin? A tic-tac? A hug?

The priest stepped over the woman’s prone body, and…just…kept…walking.


Father Mulcahy! Where the fuck are you?


RSS icon Comments


Farther Mulcahy may have been the only straight priest ever. And he was not even a real priest.

Posted by Just Me | November 13, 2007 2:34 PM

Well did you SEE her shoes? Clearly, she had it coming.

Posted by monkey | November 13, 2007 2:42 PM

He probably knew she was dead and didn't want to take the time to stop and pop a boner.

Posted by Mr. Poe | November 13, 2007 2:45 PM

adrian -

besides commit the seen to memory so that you could write about it later, and standing back to watch what a priest would do in that circumstance, what did YOU do? did you kneel by this poor woman to offfer her (i'm assuming prayers would not be your first choice) any comfort or encouraging words, or did you, in your self-righteous fervor, merely race back to your computer to (1) tell us you are face-fucking a priest (good for you) and (2) bitch about what a priest (no more or less a human being that you) did not do. perhaps instead of asking what would FICTIONAL!!! father mulcahy would do, your question should be "why didn't I do anything" - or does face-fucking a priest corrupt you so totally that you forget how to be a HUMAN BEING. good grief!

Posted by Stella | November 13, 2007 2:49 PM

But, if they're going to start leaving the dead and dying alone, that's a good thing. That's progress, isn't it? First they quit molesting the dead, then they quit molesting the near dead, and after that they'll not be bothering the nearly married. Sooner than you think (not in your lifetime, but soon) they'll slide down a slippery slope at the bottom of which they'll be molesting nobody at all.

Posted by elenchos | November 13, 2007 2:49 PM

Obviously, "Stella" hasn't face-fucked a Priest. It's a pretty visceral experience.

Posted by Mr. Poe | November 13, 2007 2:53 PM

2d most Catholic city....Providence? LA?

Or NOLA???

Posted by Jill | November 13, 2007 2:56 PM

@ 5, darling, CALM DOWN. i did indeed engage a member of the scene who told me thank you, the ambulance had been called, nothing to be done. as to linger and gawk seemed couterproductive (if not rather rude), i moved to procede on my journey, whence came the priest, who offered nothing, engaged no one. this wasn't about me, pickle. i'm not a priest. i'm just a homo. and i asked. what did YOU do?

Posted by adrian | November 13, 2007 2:58 PM

Wow. Stella wins, you lose. Big time.

Posted by John | November 13, 2007 3:00 PM

The priest was really a journalist recording the heartlessness of passers-by ignoring a fresh accident victim. Besides, Swedes are Lutherans, not Catholics -- anointing the sick in such a case would be meaningless.

But Fr. Mulcahy is emblematic of the hundreds of sexually repressed Irish priests turned out like kerosene lanterns to serve American parishes, starting in the second half of the 1800s. By virtue of their numbers and English language abilities, they squelched the voices of the few French and German priests and bishops, assuring that American Catholicism would be less about Mardi Gras and Karneval, and more about hair shirts and self-flagellation.

Their repressed sexuality had to find some kind of outlet; sadly it was pedophilia. The Irish are in the forefront of churchly child abuse, sexual and otherwise. Do a google search on the Christian Brothers of Ireland, and their corresponding Sisters of Mercy, have done, especially in Eire and Australia. In Canada, the CBI had to sell all their schools to pay damages to the boys they abused in an industrial school they ran. The abuse performed by the Sisters of Mercy was made into a movie.

Posted by no irish pastors for me | November 13, 2007 3:05 PM

and i might add: if a PRIEST, of all things, fails to act (in any way!) in the presence of the dying, the injured, and /or the dead, then exactly what. The. Fuck. Are. Priests. FOR?

Posted by adrian | November 13, 2007 3:05 PM

Jill, Boston is (may be) the number 1 Irish Catholic city in the country. No. 2 would be either NYC or Chicago. Boston has so many Irish because it was the shortest trip and thus the cheapest passage from the old sod. Realize that immigrants who settled in East Coast cities were often the poorest of the poor, without enough money to take a train inland.

Posted by no irish pastors for me | November 13, 2007 3:16 PM

If I was badly injured and laying on the ground, the LAST thing I'd want to do is have to muster the energy to tell a priest to fuck off. Unless he was the only person around to call 911 on my behalf, I would only hope he'd step over me and move along.

Posted by Mahtli69 | November 13, 2007 3:22 PM

How the fuck are we not supposed to ask about you being descended from a priest's bastard?

Posted by Gitai | November 13, 2007 3:30 PM

where is father mulcahy? right here my friends:


Posted by 3mily wh1te | November 13, 2007 4:10 PM

i'm confused. That piece was actually sort of well written and interesting and I thought it was Savage for a moment.

wassup with Adrian?

Posted by michael strangeways | November 13, 2007 4:42 PM

Michael Strangeways just compared Adrian! to Savage.

It is officially time to kill myself.

Posted by Mr. Poe | November 13, 2007 4:44 PM

Now now...

I'm sure that nice priest was merely in a rush to find that poor woman's young male offspring so as to give them some much needed support in their hour of unsupervised vulnerability.

Posted by Packratt | November 13, 2007 10:03 PM

As well as being gentle, meek and slighty useless, didn't 'Dago Red' also have a serious left hook as a result of teaching boxing somewhere ?? Seem to remember him decking someone who was giving Hotlips a hard time.

Posted by Boz | November 14, 2007 6:44 AM

Mr Poe,

I know. We apparently now live in a topsy-turvy, mixed up, crazy, parallal university known as Bizaaro Seattle.

It's giving me the vapors.

Posted by michael strangeways | November 14, 2007 9:23 AM

I need somebody to explain this to me.

Why is collective accountability OK when talking about priests? Isn't each individual responsible for their own actions, and nobody else's?

Posted by Lee Gibson | November 16, 2007 6:59 PM

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