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Friday, November 9, 2007

Can You Really Get Herpes from Urinating Into an Empty Yoo-Hoo Bottle?

posted by on November 9 at 10:27 AM


That’s the primary question I have after reading this I, Anonymous submission.

You fucking piece of shit man-whore. In the four years we’ve been roommates, not only have I had to suffer through countless nights of your Mike Patton tributes—dude, didn’t anyone ever tell you that it’s only cool for a girl to be a screamer?—I’ve also had to share my living space with some true fucking champions of skank. Remember that forty-something panther with the flapjacks you picked up in the Kmart parking lot? There’s nothing I like more when I’m hungover than to wake up in the morning and find some grinning snaggletooth wandering around my kitchen, remnants of your duck butter glistening in her nasty fucking post-menopausal ‘stache. What the fuck was that? All I wanted was a fucking bagel and I have to see that shit. Oh, yeah, and then there’s that poly hippie chick whose nappy-ass boyfriend you let crash on our couch while you fucked her in the ass—oh yeah, hmmm… why did we all end up with the crabs two days later? You fucking moron. And that was my fucking couch too. But now you’ve really fucked up, and I’m leaving this cesspool of carnal travesty and I hope you drown in your own putrid fucking semen. Remember our trip to Seattle for Bumbershoot? Remember how I had to piss so bad and you wouldn’t stop the fucking car because you were in a hurry to meet up with some internet ho, but you were so kind as to give me your empty Yoo-Hoo bottle? Oh how generous and thoughtful of you, you fucking winner. Guess what? My doctor today gave me the news—I have fucking herpes! And don’t try and tell me it wasn’t you, you Valtrex-popping motherfucker. Now I have something to remember you by for all eternity, you fucking douchebag. Oh, but wait, there’s more. Remember when your sister came up here to visit you last weekend? Remember when you were out “sarging” with your fellow man-whores? Oh yes I did.

I’m awaiting an answer on the bottle-to-wang method of herpes transmission from a real-life medical professional. I’ll keep you posted.

RSS icon Comments


not a medical professional here, but...

"...transmission by fomites (inanimate objects that can transmit infectious material) such as doorknobs and toilet seats is theoretically possible but unlikely."

Posted by brandon | November 9, 2007 10:36 AM

This is the best I, anonymous post EVAR.

Posted by Sachi | November 9, 2007 10:38 AM

I'm a little unclear on the chronology here, but isn't it more likely that it's from the sister?

Quite a tale, regardless.

Posted by Levislade | November 9, 2007 10:42 AM

I thought Yoo-Hoo tasted like piss anyway.

Posted by Jill | November 9, 2007 10:43 AM

Re: 3: Yes, the chronology is tricky. Did he get it from the sister and blame it on the bottle? Or did he get it from the bottle and give it to the sister?

Posted by David Schmader | November 9, 2007 10:44 AM

@2: Seconded.

Posted by Gloria | November 9, 2007 10:45 AM

Didn't you know?

The herps lurve da Hoo.

Posted by Packratt | November 9, 2007 10:47 AM

I'm gonna go with "got it from the Yoo-Hoo, gave it to the sister." He just sounds bitter enough to be evil like that.

Posted by Hernandez | November 9, 2007 10:49 AM

There are different strains of herpes virus that "prefer" to colonize the oral area and the genital area, but in a pinch they can overlap.

Most people have been exposed to oral herpes and get occasional outbreaks ("cold sores" on the lip). Genital herpes is the same way - it smolders and all is normal between intermittent outbreaks.

I suppose it's possible that lip herpes on the bottle of yoo-hoo could then be transmitted to the cock stuck in said bottle. But it's a bit of a stretch. It's much more likely that the guy simply caught genital herpes from some skank and just wants to blame his roomate for yet another indignity.

Posted by Moltarr | November 9, 2007 10:53 AM

Boy, the Festrunk brothers have really gotten themselves into a rage spiral.

Posted by Big Sven | November 9, 2007 10:59 AM

I'm still reeling from the discription of the forty-something panther with the flapjacks.


Posted by Mike in MO | November 9, 2007 11:09 AM

If the roommate had oral herpes and had a cold sore at the time, and handed the bottle to this guy right after finishing it, it's possible that the herpes virus could be passed along. But, if the bottle had been rolling aorund in his car for a few days, it's very unlikely.

Posted by Julie | November 9, 2007 11:24 AM

@11 - What, do you have something against pancakes? I think it's really nice that she made him breakfast.


Posted by Levislade | November 9, 2007 11:25 AM

Ugh. Combine this one with the public intern's most recent chore and today is skankfest on Slog.

Posted by gnossos | November 9, 2007 11:40 AM

You can get skanks at K-mart? Man, that place has everything.

Posted by c | November 9, 2007 11:47 AM

"duck butter"???

Posted by Irena | November 9, 2007 11:47 AM

LMAO @ Levislade!

Posted by Mike in MO | November 9, 2007 12:09 PM

seriosuly, what a bad week for matt hickey.

Posted by james silla | November 9, 2007 12:38 PM

professional right here. It is entirely possible to get herpes from the Yoo-Hoo bottle, but unlikely. Most likely it would be an HSV-1 infection from the said-skanks mouth, if there were plenty of saliva on the bottle and shedding from a cold sore or infected area of skin, it's possible. HSV-1 infections can sometimes infect the genitals. However, getting it from the bottle is a pretty low chance, and getting it on your genitals from an oral strain of the virus..also unlikely. So either he hit the unlucky jackpot, or he got it somewhere else.

In the average american population 1 in 4 people have genital herpes. By the time they are over 50, prolly 80% of them have it. It's common, its transmitted by touching skin. This guy could have gotten it from someone he slept with who had no symptoms or didn't even know they had the virus, like most people. Or it could have been dormant in his system for quite some time and he finally had an outbreak worth noticing. Herpes is in most cases is just obnoxious, but not dangerous by any means. Most people have will already have it if they are sexually active on a regular basis. It's a socially stigmatized disease, we have a name for it when it's on the mouth. "cold sores" but when it affect the genitals it all of a sudden becomes a dirty thing.

Posted by Hunter | November 9, 2007 12:39 PM

Hunter? As in the great HH?

Posted by gnossos | November 9, 2007 12:59 PM

What is "sarging"?

Posted by chrisdiani | November 9, 2007 1:58 PM

Poor guy! I wish I could give him a big hug!

Posted by Amelia | November 9, 2007 1:59 PM

sarging is a way to pick up chicks. Read "The Game" about how pick-up artists work their magic.

Posted by lone wolf | November 9, 2007 2:06 PM

Dammit, #16 beat me to it. WTF is duck butter? Do I even want to know this?

Posted by Geni | November 9, 2007 2:41 PM
Posted by Amelia | November 9, 2007 3:05 PM

@16, 24: "1. duck butter
The combination of sweat from the ballsac and anus that creates a buttery film on the grundle and butthole. occuring usually from an unwashed scrotum creating a smelly odor that worsens in thickness and odor by the minute. Also known as DB or Deeb."

Posted by Aislinn | November 9, 2007 3:08 PM

@10: I LOL'd repeatedly.

@24: Oh my god, the mental image is astounding.

Regardless, dude, I think you need to find a new roommate. But thanks for a truly memorable I Anonymous.

Posted by Jessica | November 9, 2007 3:22 PM

Has anyone suggested to the writer that maybe he should MOVE OUT? For christ's sake, they've been roommates for FOUR FUCKING YEARS.

Anyway, this isn't the best I, Anonymous ever but it is the best since "I Saw a Murder."

Posted by Matt from Denver | November 9, 2007 9:38 PM

You can get oral herepes HSV 1 in the genitals. It is not unlikely. Active cold sores + oral sex = genital herpes.

"A prior infection with oral HSV-1 lowers the risk of acquiring genital HSV-1 even further. Studies show that genital HSV-1 infections almost always occur in people who have no prior infection with HSV of either type (Corey, Annals of Internal Medicine, 1983).

In the absence of prior oral infection, however, HSV-1 spreads easily to the genital area, usually through oral sex. In some countries, such as Japan and parts of Great Britain, genital HSV-1 is as common as genital HSV- 2, or more common.

Prevalence rates of genital HSV-1 differ based on the practice of oral sex and on the percentage of people who are HSV-1 positive from childhood," explains Anna Wald, MD researcher at the University of Washington at Seattle."

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