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Thursday, November 15, 2007

Another “Sex Offender” Violates Inanimate Object

posted by on November 15 at 10:45 AM

We’ve Slogged about this poor bastard before—now apparently known as “Bike Sex Man”—but he’s made the news again:

Bike sex man placed on probation

A man caught trying to have sex with his bicycle has been sentenced to three years on probation. Robert Stewart, 51, admitted a sexually aggravated breach of the peace by conducting himself in a disorderly manner and simulating sex.

Sheriff Colin Miller also placed Stewart on the Sex Offenders Register for three years.

Mr Stewart was caught in the act with his bicycle by cleaners in his bedroom at the Aberley House Hostel in Ayr. Gail Davidson, prosecuting, told Ayr Sheriff Court: “They knocked on the door several times and there was no reply. “They used a master key to unlock the door and they then observed the accused wearing only a white t-shirt, naked from the waist down.

“The accused was holding the bike and moving his hips back and forth as if to simulate sex.”

Both cleaners, who were “extremely shocked”, told the hostel manager who called police.

What the fuck? He was alone, behind a locked door, in his own room—his own private room, not a shared room. And he didn’t answer the door because he was having a wank. How was he supposed to know the FUCKING MORONS on the other side of the door had a key and were about let themselves in?

And for this offense—for beating off on a bike—this poor bastard lands on a sex offender registry. Because he’s a danger to the public? No, because his sexual interests—assuming he’s actually attracted to bikes, and wasn’t just seeking new and different friction—make people uncomfortable. Check this quote out:

Sheriff Colin Miller told Stewart: “In almost four decades in the law I thought I had come across every perversion known to mankind, but this is a new one on me. I have never heard of a ‘cycle-sexualist’.”

Yeah, and you never would have, Sheriff Preening Douchebag, if Stewart’s privacy hadn’t been violated by a couple of prissy cleaning women, an idiotic hostel manager, and a police officers with way too much time on its hands. Christ!

RSS icon Comments


welcome to 1984

Posted by i have to poop | November 15, 2007 11:17 AM

@ 1. Your name is so stupid but it really has me laughing!

Posted by mj | November 15, 2007 11:31 AM

Meanwhile in Alabama they are going to enforce a ban on sales os sex toys.

The U.S. Supreme Court refused to hear a challenge to the ban. The State of Alabama said in their argument to the high court that states have a legitimate interest in "prohibiting autonomous orgasm."

Posted by Heather | November 15, 2007 11:34 AM

I am about to have an "autonomous orgasm" after writing this post. I will be doing it with my pink vibrator, purchased online. I will probably be squirting the bed as you read this. Kiss my ass, Alabama!

Posted by Squirting Molly | November 15, 2007 11:38 AM

no more bicylces in alabama then, i guess.

Posted by infrequent | November 15, 2007 11:47 AM

There is no privacy in England. Seriously.

Posted by Greg | November 15, 2007 11:54 AM

What possible interest could they have in prohibiting autonomous orgasms. I can't think of a single reason, let alone a single reason that makes sense.

Posted by Julie | November 15, 2007 12:06 PM

This happened in Scotland, not England! Us Scots hate being confused with the English. Although we do sometimes come across as a backwards country - homosexuality was illegal in Scotland untill 1980!

Posted by Ryan | November 15, 2007 12:09 PM

Julie: If you're alone, you're not making a baby. And Alabama has an apparent shortage of babies.

Posted by Sarah | November 15, 2007 12:10 PM

@ #7 Because they are a bunch of southern cracker control freaks in Alabama. They just want you to believe in their "lawrd" and having pleasure distracts from that.

Posted by Heather | November 15, 2007 12:15 PM

Does that mean it would be illegal to have sex with a tofurkey behind a locked door?

Posted by Fifty-Two-Eighty | November 15, 2007 12:23 PM

Just maybe, I wonder if Mr. Stewart didn't want to be viewed. After all, it is standard practice for cleaners to enter B&B rooms after knocking, IF NO "DO NOT DISTURB" sign is on the door. Likewise a shouted "come back later" would have worked too.

Posted by Fnarf | November 15, 2007 12:35 PM

More info I didn't want to know about.


Posted by Will in Seattle | November 15, 2007 12:39 PM

please. who wants to be caught fucking a bicycle? And calling the police was completely unnecessary. Just close the door and walk away.

Posted by ali | November 15, 2007 12:41 PM

Bikes are hotttt!!

Posted by Davido | November 15, 2007 12:41 PM

Okay, maybe you can argue that he should have hung a "Do Not Disturb" sign on the door, or shouted "come back later". But holy fuck! Arresting the guy? And putting him on the sex offender registry? For rubbing one out on his bike seat (or whatever)? They'll surely need to put me on the sex offender registry for all the times I've wanked off on the keyboard.

Posted by SDA in SEA | November 15, 2007 12:45 PM

thats pathetic. if i got caught with all the stuff i masturbated with and got 3 years for each offense. i would have to live to be over a 100. nothing was safe in my dads house from 13 until i moved.

Posted by jace | November 15, 2007 12:47 PM

These people are SO uptight! I hereby sentence both of those cleaning women to a long bike ride on a bumpy road.

Posted by Irena | November 15, 2007 1:09 PM

more abuse of the sex offender's registry to force sexual conformity that pisses me off!

Posted by NELBOT | November 15, 2007 1:33 PM

@8: My mistake. It's been a while since I read the article, and I forgot that it was Scotland. The guy who got arrested for having sex with the pavement, did that happen in England?

Posted by Greg | November 15, 2007 1:38 PM

was this a fixed gear bike?

Posted by pain | November 15, 2007 1:41 PM

So would that make him a bikesexual, or a pedalphile (ba-dum-bump).

Seriously, this is some serious civil-liberties-violation shit when we stop giggling about it.

Posted by andy niable | November 15, 2007 1:53 PM

Yeah, and I suppose those prissy damned cleaning ladies never sat on the washing machine during the spin cycle, either. But apparently, that's okay.

I'm never going to understand cases like this, never. If you don't want to see lonely people who live alone choking the chicken or otherwise self-pleasuring, stay the fuck out of their rooms, mmm-kay?

Posted by Geni | November 15, 2007 1:56 PM

The ladies had a perfect right to be in the room. A duty, in fact. It's their job to go in the rooms. Keeping them out is trivially easy. He didn't do the trivially easy thing.

Should he be on the sex offender list for fucking a bike? Of course not. Should he be on it for deliberately exposing himself to the maid staff? I don't know. Possibly. I don't know enough about the case, and neither do you.

Posted by Fnarf | November 15, 2007 2:26 PM

@24, no Fnarf, they don't actually have a right to be in the room. They have a job to keep the rooms clean, but its _his_ room and even in Scotland I would assume people have a right to privacy. They certainly don't have a duty, its not a matter of personal honor that they clean those rooms. In fact, they are supposed to be working for him, since he's a paying guest. But customer's aren't right anymore, they should shut up and be happy they aren't spit on some more, right?

What should have happened is they should have opened the door, saw there was someone, then left. End of story.

But its so much more gratifying to label someone a pervert and see them goto jail for being different. Its been widely reported so I think most of the facts are in. The ladies _claimed_ they knocked, but I doubt he intended to flash them, cause it was reported that his back was to them when they came in, not exposing himself.

When you claim you don't know enough about the case, you might want to stop yourself from posting then. How do you know he could have done something trivial that would have kept them out? He locked the door. Maybe there wasn't a "Do not disturb sign", maybe the ladies ignored the one there was.

Posted by Just Some Guy | November 15, 2007 2:43 PM

Wow... I wonder if they'll arest me for all the times I've had sexual relations with a rubber glove... or my box of kleenex.

Posted by Woodbun | November 15, 2007 2:48 PM

Had this been a heterosexual couple engaged in hot sex and moaning so loudly that they failed to hear the knock, not only would they not have been reported or arrested, but the staff would have apologized profusely for interrupting and scurried away faster than you can yell "hypocrites!" Granted, their room might not have been cleaned for the remainder of their stay, but I promise you, they'd be thanked and welcomed back by the management when they checked out.

Posted by jack | November 15, 2007 2:58 PM

My sweetheart is from Ayr, and speculates that what the cleaners expected to find when they forced open the door of an unresponsive hostel tenant was a man shooting up. He goes on to speculate that perhaps this was indeed what the man was doing, and that the bicycle sex was concocted in a moment of panic as the cleaners rattled his doorknob. However, instead of being merely shocked, and leaving the man in peace, the cleaners were shocked and hysterical with laughter. They then phoned the police, whose reactions were similar--junkies are an everyday nuisance, but a bike perv would be a rare treat for bored cops. All speculation, of course, but it makes more sense than the actual facts of the case.

Posted by Kiru Banzai | November 15, 2007 3:21 PM

i fucked in a youth hostel in amsterdam. in a 6-person dorm, during the day when the sun was up, right on the top bunk. i was riding him like a bronco. the kids who ran the hostel have probably seen it all before, as they walked in, began laughing, and yelled "sorry!"

but this was in a country with a sense of humor, unlike the u.s.

Posted by dirty girl | November 15, 2007 3:26 PM

Finally, the nation's bicycles are safe.

Posted by Gloria | November 15, 2007 3:55 PM

Jack @ 27 is right...having been interrupted during sex in hotel rooms several times all I've ever gotten is a n embarrassed "I'm sorry" followed by the sound of a closing door and giggling.

Lot's of places don't have do not disturb signs...sometimes you forget to hang it up...and sometimes passion takes hold and the last thing you're going to do is stop the moment to go secure the room. No big deal. Hotel staff deal with this all the time.

Posted by gnossos | November 15, 2007 4:09 PM

Also for "hostel" we should be reading "homeless shelter" rather than "hotel". Obviously the guy shouldn't be disturbed in any case (let alone arrested, let alone classified as a sex offender), but you can see what institutional bias is at work here.

Posted by Kiru Banzai | November 15, 2007 4:43 PM

This "Sheriff Preening Douchebag" has soiled our good name! What a fucking asshole!

Posted by Colin Miller, Citizen of Seattle | November 15, 2007 6:40 PM

Well...the only reason I can possibly think that they would arrest him was if it was someone else's bike. Which it wasn't.

Kudos to bike-humpers everwhere, and don't go to the hotel that poor bastard went to.

Posted by Thorn | November 15, 2007 6:49 PM

I remember my first bike...a sweet little purple Schwinn three-speed with black rubber grips, mag tires, and a warm soft seat that just begged to be, that baby could roll! Even when we stayed in, alone in the garage, with her wheels up in the air, we went places most homo-organic couples could only dream about. If only we had been able to express our love openly, it might have lasted. But because of the bigotry and intolerance that we faced, not to mention my parents insistence that I grow out of my bike-loving "phase," we eventually went our separate ways. The last time I saw her she was being wheeled away from my mother's yard-sale by that fat little turd down the street who, no doubt, intended to jump ramps, pop wheelies, and otherwise degrade my beautiful Schwinn. It wouldn't surprise me if she ended up whoring herself out on some playground somewhere. All because you bastards couldn't just leave us alone!

Posted by jack | November 15, 2007 8:26 PM

What a creepy invasion of privacy. And to insist upon dragging this into a courtroom??? How pervy and violating!
Meanwhile, wars rage on, governments are corrupted by money-making schemes, and all of us watch as our freedoms are taken away and our quality of life suffers as a result.
And some people are fixated, apparently, on such minutia as what a man is doing in private with a bicycle. He's an adult!!!!!!! What a waste of time, resources and intelligence.

Posted by cleo | November 15, 2007 11:29 PM

in the eyes of the lord this he & his bicycle man + wife. May they have many happy, healthy little tricycles together!

Posted by easter | November 16, 2007 12:45 AM

in the eyes of the lord this he & his bicycle man + wife. May they have many happy, healthy little tricycles together!

Posted by easter | November 16, 2007 12:45 AM

or, trysexual, he'll try anything once.

Posted by cordero | November 16, 2007 2:57 AM

I'm sorry but someone has to stand up for the bikes of this world. We demand that this guy go to jail for life. No longer should bikes have to endure this kind of blatant sexual objectification. Once and for all end these evil acts against our friends the bikes. Those women did the right thing and someone should applaud them for it. Besides, they were wondering why their Hoovers had been looking so forlorn and neglected of late.

Posted by Stop objectifying bikes | November 16, 2007 3:32 AM

Everyone is missing the most important point.

Bicycles cannot consent to sexual acts. This was rape.

Wake up people!!!!

Posted by Wake Up! | November 16, 2007 5:26 AM

Maybe he should've gone to India and married the bicycle?

Posted by Toby | November 16, 2007 7:26 AM

@39+22: did you mean trisexual?

everyone else: um, if this guy deliberately staged the event, then he should be in trouble. otherwise, any flasher could rent a room, and stand naked behind his closed door and wait for someone to knock first then come in.

think about it.

Posted by infrequent | November 16, 2007 9:14 AM

A man in the highlands of Scotland recently got put away for sketching a woman as a naked viking, in his personal diary. They found his diary under his bed at the hostel he was staying at.

Now you know why the condederate flag was based on the Scottish saltire and you know who invented the Ku Klux Klan.

Posted by Doneaaildld McRaeichailaigagiagiag. | November 18, 2007 7:30 PM

I never heard anything about the guy being put away for drawing the women. It's sounds like your making it up. And the anti-Scottish stuff - accusing us of inventing the Ku Klux Klan - is bigoted and offensive.

Posted by Ryan Dunne | November 23, 2007 12:01 PM

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