Slog News & Arts

Line Out

Music & Nightlife

« Let It Ride | Effective HIV/AIDS Education »

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

The Pine-Fresh Stink of Lohan: Knocking Soon On a Front Door Near You!

posted by on October 10 at 10:14 AM

That smell? That clean wintergreen waft that tiptoes upon the breeze, delighting the nose like the pine tree earrings of the Irish scented Angel of Spring? (Hang in there, I haven’t said much this week.) Why, ‘tis dear wee Lindsay Lohan of course, newly douched (as those naughty French say) of all of her nastier and more thrilling habits and just now sprung from that mysterious place they call rehab.

And I know what you’re thinking, and I’ve never agreed with you more: How delightful! How promising! How grand! How quickly will she relapse and crash face first into a sofa-sized pile of cocaine with her legs sprawling in the air like a Chinese contortionist and her panties missing and presumed crammed so deep inside her body cavity that coal miners couldn’t drag them back out?

How terrible of you, to interject that last bit. Be quiet now while I’m typing.

Yes, Lindsay is free at last from her prison of no drugs, and it might shock you to know (or maybe not, you know, whatever) that she has devised clever plans to pack up her septum and her vagina and abscond with them right back to, oh holy fuck, UTAH (where the rehab is), far, far away from those shadowy hills of Hollywood and the myriad naughty vices that lurk therein. Apparently she believes that losing herself in the Mormon wastess will help her remain free of any temptation whatsoever that does not directly involve JC Penny slacks and uncles of marrying age.

“I’m going back to shoot Dare to Love Me, but I plan on returning to Utah so I can stay focused and avoid other distractions,” she said in a recent interview.

So then. Considering these events, and the awesome brainwashing technology weilded by the Mormons, who, like, uh, rule Utah or something, it is not unreasonable to imagine that maybe, just maybe, should you someday soon hear that wee small knock upon your door and peek out to find two Mormon missionaries waiting on your step (they always travel in pairs—-more gay sex that way)…well, you might just want to open the door this time. And blast both of those sons-a-bitches in the face with a shotgun full of rock salt and tell ‘em to quit spreading their devil jibber-jabber.

Fucking Mormons.

In other shit: To fill the horrible void left by Miss Lohan (and her septum and her vagina) in the ranks of sloppy drunks, sources so sourcey you can hardly tell the difference report that drinky David Hasselhoff has been once again “hospitalized” (read: chained up like a raving dock whore ), but is, “doing fine and will be back home in the morning”after being treated for alcohol poisoning. The booze reclaims its own!

llohandrunkeog.jpg

RSS icon Comments

1

mmm, mojito....

how could you not with a face like that

Posted by Cale | October 10, 2007 10:25 AM
2

Park City, Utah has the most cocaine per capita than any other city I've ever been to. Good luck Lohan. I recommend a side-car with every drink to make up for the weird liquor laws.

Posted by Carollani | October 10, 2007 10:25 AM
3

The mouth is begging for a knuckle sandwich.

Posted by Mr. Poe | October 10, 2007 10:26 AM
4

It's a fucking ski resort Carollani. Skiers like snow. Johnny Dram goes there to watch movies with his brother sometimes even.

Lohan's a dirty dishrag with a suspiciously young ID card usually but that is seriously the prettiest picture of Lindsey Lohan I've ever seen.

I wish I could afford rehab and Utah and Mojitos.

I'd do all 4 at once.

Posted by Tyson Beckford's Capped Grill | October 10, 2007 10:46 AM
5

She should do crack instead.

At least 10 grams.

Then she'd learn what it's like in the US.

Posted by Will in Seattle | October 10, 2007 11:01 AM
6

Utah IS nice.

Posted by superyeadon | October 10, 2007 11:08 AM
7

Out of all the trashy hollywood child-whores out there (ie, Britney, Paris, Nicole, etc) she's the only one who actually has talent. Go back to 19 eighty-whatever and it's Drew Barrymore all over again.

I hope she pulls her shit together and grows up. I think good things could come from her.

Posted by monkey | October 10, 2007 11:38 AM
8

@7

What?! Monkey, are you serious?!

Have you seen her latest movies?

Posted by Mr. Poe | October 10, 2007 11:41 AM
9

My family and I have such an attachment to her Parent Trap performance that I can't help but keep wishing her well. I haven't seen her latest couple of movies, but I suspect I will keep hoping she can get it together long after she fades completely.

Posted by mirror | October 10, 2007 11:51 AM
10

I'm sorry but 'The Parent Trap' is my all-time favorite movie, followed by 'Mean Girls'... AND I was one of the 12 or so people in the world to see 'I Know Who Killed Me' in theaters.

I know, scorn me, blahblah. Admittedly not the most stunning cinematic performance, but the plot was intriguing and Lindsey's always hot, even while being slowly dismembered by dry ice... which you would probably enjoy for comic value.

Posted by Amelia | October 10, 2007 12:05 PM
11

@7

Oh, I know, right? Except Drew's likeable and Lohan's jaundiced and you can smell her with your eyes.

Posted by MC Confused | October 10, 2007 12:09 PM
12

I agree Amelia, she's hot as fuck and I'll watch those boobs—er...—that girl do anything.

Posted by Carollani | October 10, 2007 12:11 PM
13

You wanna know her problem? That's her mom cropped out on the right of that photo, isn't it? Trash.

Posted by tchtch | October 10, 2007 12:24 PM
14

Hey Amelia...

I liked "The Parent Trap", too. I thought Hayley Mills was wonderful.

But "all time favorite movie"???

Time to make better use of that Netflix subscription, 'mel...

As far as LiLo goes...

The comparison with Drew Barrymore is flawed--we really didn't witness Drew hitting rock bottom...so, when she came back and started working again, it was a delightful surprise that came out of nowhere. She was a delightful moppet in ET...she did a couple of other films...then, she disappeared...then she came back as a quirky teenager with a naughty edge and a body to match.

We saw Lindsay reach higher heights as a child star...we watched her transition into the bizarre concoction of smart but partially man made jailbait...and we watched every step on her plummet to the depths.

Drew seemed to have harnessed a healthy, positive glow...both in personality and physically... A few stumbles here and there, but for most of the time that she's reacquired the public eye, she's just been a happy, daffy person who was the worst thing about "Donnie Darko".

Lindsay has grown more grotesque, less expressive with her smoke ravaged husk of a voice...and uncompelling on the screen. Everyone keeps claiming that she has an incredible talent that, with the two exceptions of the remake of "The Parent Trap" and "Mean Girls"--neither of them acting tour de forces by any stretch of the imagination--has yet to be seen.

But...knowing the TMZing of young celebrity culture...I'm sure her "amazing talent" will be seen soon enough.

Promises, vows and rehab notwithstanding.

Posted by pgreyy | October 10, 2007 12:40 PM
15

Aw, ya gotta love a girl who steps up to the mike and describes rehab as "sobering".

Well, maybe not love the girl ... but keep her alive at least, just to see what happens next.

Posted by RonK, Seattle | October 10, 2007 12:42 PM
16

Not that I don't think the odds are against her, but everybody sure does love to declare Lindsay a lost cause when she's showed more dedication to not being an awful drug whore anymore than any of the other trainwrecks these days.

Losing Lindsay to the Paris Hilton/Britney Spears barrel upset me dearly, and I'd like to see her back to being just hot and sort of slutty.

Posted by Chris in Tampa | October 10, 2007 12:51 PM
17

That is to say, "are NOT against her," or, if you prefer, "I admit the odds may be against her, but..."

Posted by Chris in Tampa | October 10, 2007 12:53 PM
18

LEAVERALONE!!!

Posted by Chirs Crocker in Gramas | October 10, 2007 1:16 PM
19

@16 - agreed. When she's not on the dark side, she can be a good actress.

Posted by Will in Seattle | October 10, 2007 2:05 PM
20

I should say that I think she has actual potential. Drew couldn't act when she was 19 either. Hello? Poison Ivy?

Besides, she CAN sing.

Posted by monkey | October 10, 2007 2:41 PM
21

adrian, if you were straight you'd still want to hit it. i would hit it like richard mciver.

Posted by maxsolomon | October 10, 2007 3:54 PM
22

Yeah, but Drew was way sexy then. And still is.

Speaking of sexy women in movies - saw Cate Blanchett in Elizabeth: The Golden Age last night ... the audience (and I) loved it! And there's lots of fine eye candy for everyone ... no matter your gender or persuasion.

Posted by Will in Seattle | October 10, 2007 3:54 PM
23

Adrian - you need some help.

This ramble is really over the top - "her panties stuffed so far up her vagina" - honey, that is truly violent. It is a rape fantasy, and from a queer queer as well. Pretty girl, lots of problems, too rich, on the main stage too fast. Nothing more.

Get help Adrian. You are at the edge of sanity, angry and talking no sense.

Posted by Andy | October 10, 2007 8:18 PM

Comments Closed

In order to combat spam, we are no longer accepting comments on this post (or any post more than 14 days old).