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Thursday, October 18, 2007

That Dorito Bag Condom

posted by on October 18 at 13:00 PM

In this week’s Savage Love—online now—guest expert Dr. W. H. assures curious readers that drinking piss is, relatively speaking, a safe activity. Gross, yes, but safe. When I mentioned his qualifications, I wrote…

Dr. W.H., an ER physician at a big city hospital like the ones on teevee! Dr. W.H. has seen people “guzzling every nasty-ass secretion known,” and wasn’t fazed by your question. (He also says that he’s seen people use Doritos bags as condoms, but we’ll save that for another column.)

Naturally people are curious about that Dorito bag, so I asked Dr. W.H. the obvious followup question: WTF?

I have several horrible-but-true vagina stories. If they had titles, they would include:

“Tampon Stuck for a Month”
“I Cut Myself With a Grapefruit Spoon”
“My Vibrator Disintegrated Inside Me”
“Will You Fuck Me?”
“The Crack Pipe”
And… as a vagina proxy:
“I Shoved Razor Blades Up My Ass”

Then there are cock, ball, and ass stories, but I’m too tired to go into all that.

Anyway—here’s how the Doritos bag story goes:

An obese young woman came into our Emergency Department and said that her vagina didn’t feel normal and she wanted it checked out. No real pain, no bleeding, just a certain “fucked-up feeling” that had been bothering her for a few days.

Peering into (not at) the vagina of an obese person can be a bit tough, but eventually an inspection revealed a crinkled, shiny wad waaay up there. My colleague removed it, then unrolled it to reveal a snack-size Doritos bag (original style, with a few strands of cheddar-based mucus clinging to it). When confronted with the evidence, the patient giggled and claimed she suddenly remembered a drunken fuck with her boyfriend where no condoms were available, so he grabbed the nearest snack wrapper at hand and went for it. Not exactly a James Bond kind of move. The bag apparently slipped off his cock after a few strokes and got pounded into a compact mass during the sex, subsequently drenched by his ejaculate and marinated in her own secretions and soothing Dorito oils. Afterwards they passed out and forgot the whole thing, until the aforementioned fucked-up feeling brought her to us.

Amazingly, the sharp plastic crease on the bag didn’t seem to cause any noticeable laceration or injury, though superficial vaginal abrasions heal pretty fast, and it had been a few days.

I would like to say that the patient later gave birth to a baby girl covered with orange powdered cheese, but the truth is she never returned.

Aren’t you glad you asked?

RSS icon Comments


Jesus. Sometimes I am envious of your job, Dan, but then I read stuff like this, and recognize that you probably deserve occasional hazard pay.

Posted by Brad | October 18, 2007 1:26 PM

hooooly...i think my sould just died a little. next question though...what about the vibrator that disintigrated? that should be the next story.

Posted by Jiberish | October 18, 2007 1:28 PM

Could Dr. W.H. co-write your column with you every week please?

Posted by Dorion in Detroit | October 18, 2007 1:32 PM

Oh, man. That's gonna keep me up at night. And a whole 'nother list of WTF to speculate about. Dan doesn't deserve just a raise, but maybe some all-exspences paid therapy...AckyPooIcky!

Posted by MirrorMan | October 18, 2007 1:34 PM

Dude, I just vomited into my own mouth a bit.

Posted by Bellevue Ave | October 18, 2007 1:36 PM

Just think: This woman and her boyfriend could have wound up reproducing. Isn't that an intriguing thought?

Posted by tsm | October 18, 2007 1:36 PM

Aaaaaahhhh! Why did I keep reading? Why, God? Why?

Posted by Michigan Matt | October 18, 2007 1:37 PM

Next up: Dorito bag in the anus. Covered in shit, cum, and soothing Dorito oils.

Posted by Mr. Poe | October 18, 2007 1:39 PM

Just because someone tells you doesn't mean you have to tell us.


Posted by PA Native | October 18, 2007 1:40 PM

I love Dr. W.H. You need to give him a guest column. I need ball stories!

Posted by Gloria | October 18, 2007 1:48 PM

OH MY GOD. What did we do to deserve this?

Posted by Amelia | October 18, 2007 1:49 PM

Just wanted to add my own vaginal fears:

string falls off tampon

Posted by jennifer zwick | October 18, 2007 1:51 PM

Just wanted to add my own vaginal fears:

string falls off tampon

Posted by jennifer zwick | October 18, 2007 1:52 PM


Posted by Katelyn | October 18, 2007 1:54 PM

I'm dumber just for having read that.

Posted by MHD | October 18, 2007 1:54 PM

Oh man, I just had a snack-sized bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos with my lunch.

Excuse me, while I go to the rest room and regurgitate...

Posted by COMTE | October 18, 2007 1:56 PM

Those people brreeedd.

Is Doc W.H. good looking? That certainly explains number 4.

Posted by keshmeshi | October 18, 2007 2:01 PM

So she didn't get knocked-up, right? The Doritos bag was an effective contraceptive, then? Or was it the powdered cheese residue that defeated the dude's underpants navy? Jesus, I'm really giving this too much thought...

Also, I second the call to hear the disintegrating vibrator story.

Posted by Hernandez | October 18, 2007 2:02 PM

I always realized that, in general, doctors really do earn their high incomes the hard way, and this is another confirmation.

Posted by MarkyMark | October 18, 2007 2:02 PM

Please tell me you're making this up, Dan. PLEASE? (Cover eyes and repeat: urban myth, urban myth, urban myth...)

Posted by Irena | October 18, 2007 2:04 PM

It's fascinating what straight people shove up their vaginas.

I ran acros a lot of this sort of thing in medical journals while I was doing research for my "anti-heterosexual" tract parody.,015.htm

Posted by Jim Burroway | October 18, 2007 2:04 PM

That she was obese and the nearest thing was a Doritos bag made this story, if you ask me ;)

Posted by Lake | October 18, 2007 2:12 PM

nice clean bread bag, and lots of bacon grease (nice odor and tasty in the after licking)

no vagina involved

worked fine, washed the bag for sandwitchs the next day

Posted by 666-999 | October 18, 2007 2:23 PM

Teenagers. Christ.

Posted by Greg | October 18, 2007 2:26 PM

and I hoped I'd never read anything grosser than the one about the obese woman who became fused to her couch. this comes close.

Posted by josh | October 18, 2007 2:30 PM

@8 - Nacho flavored Santoritos!

Posted by Mahtli69 | October 18, 2007 2:33 PM

OK, that is messed up but hilarious. And I agree with the call to hear more of these stories. It's terribly unfair to tease us with the titles and not the details.

Posted by Mechalith | October 18, 2007 2:56 PM

Especially since you made a point of bolding it, I can't believe no one has commented on the phrase "drenched by his ejaculate". That is poetic beyond mere words. I'm misting up here.

Posted by Wowza | October 18, 2007 2:56 PM

Good God. I just ate Doritos earlier as well.

If this didn't come from a real doctor (I'll trust Dan on this) it would be an urban legend.

Posted by Jason Josephes | October 18, 2007 3:15 PM

Jason Josephes- Not likely to be an urban legend anyhow; noone "got what's coming to them." There's almost always a lil' schaudenfreudetastic morality play in an urban legend.

Posted by Eric | October 18, 2007 3:40 PM

yes, don't tease with all those headlines and not deliver the stories--that's just not nice, dan--the good dr. should guest star with you at least once per month, imo. and the dorito bag failed as a condom, but sounds like it perhaps worked as a diaphram, so all's well that ends well.

Posted by ellarosa | October 18, 2007 3:48 PM

Oh. My. God.

I could have made it throught the rest of my life and died quite happily without ever having that image lodged in my memory.


Posted by mambo king | October 18, 2007 4:07 PM

@6 intriguing?!? I would go more in the direction of disturbing.

Posted by Callie | October 18, 2007 4:11 PM

How can you say there's no schadenfreude?

Posted by Greg | October 18, 2007 4:20 PM

cheddar-based mucus

Posted by Paulus | October 18, 2007 4:21 PM

"Not exactly a James Bond kind of move."

No, really more of a MacGyver move.

Posted by Eric Grandy | October 18, 2007 4:53 PM

I keep picturing the couple in the sex scene from Sideways. Ugh.

Posted by Irena | October 18, 2007 5:18 PM

I didn't have to ask...I knew others would do so for me. And I'm looking forward to the gross-out factor for all my friends.

Posted by Paul | October 18, 2007 5:19 PM

Things I Learn From My Patients:

If somehow a ping pong ball should make its way into your rectum and you cannot retieve it, do not mix yourself a cement enema--as this will only make your problems worse.

Posted by Caro | October 18, 2007 5:23 PM

Did Dr. W.H. really come up with...

"drenched by his ejaculate and marinated in her own secretions and soothing Dorito oils"

...? If so, you *must* have him tell the other stories. Maybe he can cover for you when you're on vacation?

Posted by Big Sven | October 18, 2007 7:41 PM

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