Savage Love That Dorito Bag Condom
posted by October 18 at 13:00 PMon
In this week’s Savage Love—online now—guest expert Dr. W. H. assures curious readers that drinking piss is, relatively speaking, a safe activity. Gross, yes, but safe. When I mentioned his qualifications, I wrote…
Dr. W.H., an ER physician at a big city hospital like the ones on teevee! Dr. W.H. has seen people “guzzling every nasty-ass secretion known,” and wasn’t fazed by your question. (He also says that he’s seen people use Doritos bags as condoms, but we’ll save that for another column.)
Naturally people are curious about that Dorito bag, so I asked Dr. W.H. the obvious followup question: WTF?
I have several horrible-but-true vagina stories. If they had titles, they would include:
“Tampon Stuck for a Month”
“I Cut Myself With a Grapefruit Spoon”
“My Vibrator Disintegrated Inside Me”
“Will You Fuck Me?”
“The Crack Pipe”
And… as a vagina proxy:
“I Shoved Razor Blades Up My Ass”
Then there are cock, ball, and ass stories, but I’m too tired to go into all that.
Anyway—here’s how the Doritos bag story goes:
An obese young woman came into our Emergency Department and said that her vagina didn’t feel normal and she wanted it checked out. No real pain, no bleeding, just a certain “fucked-up feeling” that had been bothering her for a few days.
Peering into (not at) the vagina of an obese person can be a bit tough, but eventually an inspection revealed a crinkled, shiny wad waaay up there. My colleague removed it, then unrolled it to reveal a snack-size Doritos bag (original style, with a few strands of cheddar-based mucus clinging to it). When confronted with the evidence, the patient giggled and claimed she suddenly remembered a drunken fuck with her boyfriend where no condoms were available, so he grabbed the nearest snack wrapper at hand and went for it. Not exactly a James Bond kind of move. The bag apparently slipped off his cock after a few strokes and got pounded into a compact mass during the sex, subsequently drenched by his ejaculate and marinated in her own secretions and soothing Dorito oils. Afterwards they passed out and forgot the whole thing, until the aforementioned fucked-up feeling brought her to us.
Amazingly, the sharp plastic crease on the bag didn’t seem to cause any noticeable laceration or injury, though superficial vaginal abrasions heal pretty fast, and it had been a few days.
I would like to say that the patient later gave birth to a baby girl covered with orange powdered cheese, but the truth is she never returned.
Aren’t you glad you asked?